A “friend” told me recently about his assessment of who I was and I didn’t appreciate the negative beliefs he held of me. A few examples were that he thought I chased prestige or overinflated my importance to…the world? I guess. It got to a point where I was defending myself and my growth despite not really needing to do that.
I realised that the reason I was getting defensive was because I once also held those negative beliefs about myself, but through therapy and time, that version of me is now outdated. Through a practice of self trust, I live and see myself differently than before. So I got frustrated with him because I worked and continue to work hard on myself and see real change only for him and some people in my life to be stuck on old versions of myself. It can feel like…what’s the point of all this effort??
But then I remember that I do it for my own peace of mind. Regardless of who or how many people notice, I get to reap the rewards of the changes to my internal world. I’ve become a person that past me would be proud of and no one can take that strength and confidence away from me 🥰
I try so hard to fit in and not feel like a freak, but I’m also balancing not destroying my Self. I’m weird, strange, and don’t understand social cues, which can be off putting to a lot of people that I meet or are currently in my life. Who would like someone that is a homebody and analyses movies and webtoons? Whose favourite kinds of dates are those where we just coexist?
I have all this soul, desire, and ambition that requires acceptance and understanding from the people in my life. I don’t want to be caged, I want freedom, but I’m also so lonely it’s hard to breathe. My relationships are so customised and against traditional relationship structures that it feels like a fight all the time. I’m tired. I don’t like fighting so hard for my existence in almost all the layers in my life.
I want to be held, admired, respected, and accepted; but, why is it so effortless for everyone else to find that balance than it is for me? Why is it so hard? How can I learn to be satisfied?
A lady on holiday, feeling unsatisfied and starved of touch, decided to reach out to a long standing friend. At first her intentions were pure, but one strike of curiosity darkened the white.
“Can we intensify a different pillar of our friendship, the more physical one preferably?,” she asked. She figured that the 10 year long companionship could withstand experimentation. A low risk for a potentially high gain in the network of her life.
Looking up, his face not betraying his thoughts, he replied with more of an acknowledgment when she expected a cheer, like receiving a bland smile.
Nevertheless, the song and dance began that moonlit evening.
She observes him, as he fumbles to advance and lead— “Where will his hands go? What parts of me would he desire? How does he feel?” The anticipation shouting in her head.
“Should I lead?,” she asks noticing his lack of direction. To which he replied with tentative approval. In retrospect, she should have noted the passivity then.
She began to undress and position herself on top of him, asserting dominance symbolically, because in truth, although she had experience, she was never in the position to backlead. It required too much of her energy and a social acumen she didn’t possess. Nevertheless, she proceeded to service with feigned confidence and foolish courage.
Her mind rushed with doubt to provide an enjoyable experience, for it was his first time. The inner critic reprimanding her choices on top of questioning her reality—“Why does your hand do this? Is this where your tongue should go? Shouldn’t you check in? Did you lotion today? Does your breath smell good? Is he even enjoying? Are you capable of satisfying your dear friend?”
She was surprised with the result of her advances. Usually sensations are heightened for her when drunk off Mary Jane, but the proceedings of this interaction were lukewarm. Like tepid water that has been left out—slightly off, but hydrates in the end. The exchange felt stagnant and monotonous.
They continued going through the motions to the point of disingenuous performance. She explored his body and allowed him to explore hers, continuously hoping for an allegro, would settle for an adagio, but really yearning for a union of both that would never come.
She devolved herself to a tool, one in which he could use in accordance to his motives, and stripped of a voice. An inanimate approach to body flight.
The arbitrary contact of their lips, the slushing sounds of their body, and the eyes that never meet were all too agonizingly sobering when juxtaposed to her expectations.
It turns out, he wasn’t interested in her. The ritualistic escalation, an almost gynecological exploration, and the clumsy glibness that would never pass as expressions of genuine desire made it clear to her that they were both out of sync. Threads of a skein that would seemingly never meet.
This unyielding fact broke her spirit. She found herself envious of the imaginary fortunate that held his affection. Why couldn’t she be enough? What was the marsh missing in her garden? Her envy turned to lonliness, which she forced into dissociation in order lick the burgeoning wounds in her pride.
The final moments of the dance ends uninspiringly. It’s late, or early, she wakes greeted by an unreserved moon and no trace of him. Both are disillusioned and return as if nothing had happened. The experiment ending in ennui as a result of half baked effort that tried to change a settled relationship. The only difference being a broken hope as they wait for the sun to rise again.
Ever since I made the pilgrimage to polyamory, I’ve needed to re-examine how I approached something that I never really needed to before… jealousy. I took for granted the lack of presence of the green eyed monster in my previous monogamous relationships because it was a given that romantic affection would be received and given to only one person. This is not the case in a polyamorous relationship.
I d.t.r’ed with a person almost three months ago and was purely fueled by NRE power during our weekly hangouts…until recently when they started dating someone they had good chemistry with. With my NRE battery running low, I was left to examine what was left behind, which were my unaddressed and unexpressed feelings of insecurity and fear of abandonment in this relationship. The foundation of our partnership is predicated on being able to meet and love other people, but when I start hearing stories about their happiness with their other partners, all I feel is a tightening of my chest and my waning willpower to not pre-ejaculate any sarcastic pleasantville responses. Will I get left behind when the other relationships bloom? Will I be demoted to a lesser partner? Was I enough for them to like and possibly love?
Clearly I was fixating.
My two left feet in this emotional tango with the Mistress of Envy illuminated how easily I can be destabilized by this fleeting feeling. The first step in healing is to recognise you have a problem. I needed to confess to myself that I was ashamed of feeling this way, ashamed of how I’m trying to cope, and ultimately ashamed of myself. But from there, of course, the anxiety merry go round was back on schedule. Has this fling with jealousy turned into something more long term? Am I going to have to soothe and pacify this parasitic leech until the day I die? What if being a “jealous person” becomes part of my identity without me realising? All this spinning is killing me by centrifugal force.
I’m trying to find compassion to deal with these complex emotions and mental spiraling, so I did that in the best way I could: I asked myself different questions. If I stripped out the intense intermittent and looming presence of jealousy in my emotional repertoire, I recognised more comcretely my unmet needs and desires on how I want (or my partner) to approach my vulnerability.
I’m feeling too raw at this time to elaborate on those specific needs in writing, but I’m making progress and will get there someday.
I write this in hopes that my Act III self can look at this Act II chaos with wiser and calmer eyes.
Everything that I wanted to achieve for a long time is becoming a reality this August. My partner and I have a chance to get a new house, my graduate program is starting, and I'm a project manager. Despite all those rewarding experiences, I feel catatonic. I feel stunted by stress. I can't move and everything feels like a big task.
I don't know how to handle this no motivation state but to keep moving.
Just wrote a whole blog post and it didn’t save on the draft. Might write it later, but it won’t capture my genuine emotion and thoughts at the time.
Setting: A McDonalds in a small, yet booming, city in the year 2018.
Characters: Two exhausted college students and a confused cashier.
Plot: Two college students that just finished their exams head to a city an hour away. They decided to make a quick food stop when they realized they were famished. A cashier greets them and has an interestingly quirky interaction.
*Enter College student A and B*
A: Do you feel like getting a smoothie?
B: Hmm, yeah sure, why not.
Cashier: Hi, when you're ready.
A: I'll have a large fries and...what are your smoothie options?
Cashier: We have strawberry banana mango pineapple.
A: I'm sorry, could you repeat that?
Cashier: Strawberry banana mango pineapple.
A: Sorry...is that strawberry COMMA banana COMMA mango COMMA pineapple or is it -mangopineapple-?
How do I politely or wittily (preferably both) tell someone that when I'm talking privately with someone else, I'm not talking to you? It's so frustrating to have someone non-consensually insert themselves and dominate a conversation that they know nothing about.
For context, I was telling my partner how much I loved a show when a person just emerged out of their room and almost demanded one of us to tell them about the show. I can welcome this interest if I wasn't mid-sentence in explanation with another person. But the fact that I was interrupted then commanded to allocate my time and discussion to someone that doesn't have any value to offer me is incredibly annoying. A discussion has to have an equal exchange of respect. How do you handle when there's no incentive to talk with someone who talks over you in a discussion? Who doesn't listen?
The framing of the question was also incredibly rude imo, "what's this show about? And skip the prejudice. I just want to know exactly what the fuck is going on?" No one has to indulge your curiosity, especially when the approach was so abrasive. It comes across as entitled.
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