Suffering without awareness can sometimes feel easier than living with the constant consciousness of pain. The ability to recognize the forces, situations, and patterns that slowly drain the life out of one’s initiatives can become more paralyzing than empowering—especially when the cycles of manipulation and emotional damage exceed what the mind and spirit can reasonably endure.
When people you trust and genuinely care for manipulate your kindness, resources, and emotional investment, the result is often a profound sense of exhaustion, humiliation, betrayal, and ruin. Every day, I wake up with the desire to create better conditions for life—for others and for myself—yet it often feels as though something within the environment I evolve in continuously opposes that intention.
The individuals I once loved and trusted now feel transformed into sources of emotional and psychological heaviness, draining my energy, my joy, and the strong sense of purpose I carried when I committed myself to expanding my academic abilities, my consciousness, and my value to society. The pain that bleeds through my heart and the regrets that travel through my spine have slowly imprisoned my creativity and weakened my ability to contribute meaningfully to the world around me.
Jealousy resembles a slow form of death because it gradually erodes the essence of a person’s existence. Lies, selfishness, and emotional sabotage from those you care for can poison even the smallest efforts toward growth—whether personal, professional, or part of a larger vision for sustainable change.
Jealousy poisons sincerity, and when sincerity is repeatedly wounded, especially in vulnerable people, life itself can begin to lose meaning. Since returning from France, I have slowly withdrawn from life in ways I never imagined possible. Many people offered spiritual solutions and promises of liberation from suffering. Thousands of euros were spent moving from one person to another, each claiming to remove curses or restore peace. Yet too often, those experiences only deepened the exhaustion and intensified the feeling of being drained. That was the beginning of my desire to disappear from life altogether, because without real solutions, destructive individuals continue to succeed in their harmful actions.
I have no one with whom I can truly share this grief. The parental figures in my life have done what they could, but time and age have changed their ability to fully understand the nature of the pain I endure. The only temporary refuge I sometimes find is in cheap whisky and menthol cigarettes—small escapes from a reality that feels unbearably heavy.
Ironically, I carry ideas, strategies, and consultancy concepts potentially worth millions, yet my inability to communicate clearly and consistently has made me feel imprisoned within my own creativity.
I am aware of the negativity and harmful intentions that often surround me, but I no longer react the way I once did. When I speak about my suffering, some people smile as though my pain entertains them. The years during which I shared what I had—premium goods from Europe, phones, tablets, beauty products, and generosity of many forms—have been forgotten.
There are people who seek to diminish and humiliate me, and in many ways they have succeeded. Yet when I pray, silence fills the atmosphere around me, and within that silence I still sense that there is a higher force capable of seeing and hearing what I cannot express to the world. Despite my limitations, despite my exhaustion, I continue to ask that force of creation to protect and guide me through these difficult days.