French Maid Suggestions

[frenchmaidsuggestion]

Mademoiselle, how does one find employment in your profession?

My apologies for such a late reply!

I shall be able to answer this from my own experience. The trick is, if you are not the ideal person for such a career, to make yourself seem as if you are. Look to myself as an example- I drink, flirt, and spend altogether too much time with animals, particularly my mistress’s cat. And yet my employer is none the wiser, since I hide my activities well with a flurry of curtsies and French phrases dropped here and there. Why, he would as soon drop an anvil on his toe as fire me. The ideal French maid is charming, pretty, respectful, moral, and honest- and since I am none of those things, I simply make others believe I am. That is all there is to it.

[frenchmaidsuggestion]

feed the cat at a certain time each morning, so that she will wake you when that time approaches, and you need not fear oversleeping.

[frenchmaidsuggestion]

abandon your normal sleeping habits to care for a sick animal. what manner of animal is entirely at your discretion.

[frenchmaidsuggestion]

do not explain yourself after a long absence, but adopt a mysterious and solemn air when asked where you have been.

[frenchmaidsuggestion]

buy small christmas gifts for as many people as possible, regardless of whether you know them well or whether they are mere passing acquaintances.

[frenchmaidsuggestion]

get yourself ready for some event earlier than you need to, so that you are not in an undignified rush to finish when the time comes to depart.

[frenchmaidsuggestion]

use tempting morsels and the promise of affection to entice your mistress’s cat to take its afternoon nap on your bed instead of hers.

[frenchmaidsuggestion]

Dear Maid, do you have any advice on gaining employ as a baker?

My apologies on not answering this query sooner, mon amie!

While I am, as you must know, not myself in employ as a baker, but rather as a maid, I do have a dear cousin who runs a successful bakery in London. After speaking with her, she has informed me that, above all things, if you would be successful in your endeavor, to either create your own recipes for each bread, pastry or biscuit you will sell, or divulge slightly from the amounts and ingredients listed in the recipes you use. This will ensure that your baking will be just slightly different than another shop’s, and some patron will prefer yours over all else.

[frenchmaidsuggestion]

use hair-ribbons with reckless abandon- pink for brown hair, blue for blonde hair, green for ginger hair, and purple for black hair. red ribbons can and should be used for any color.

[frenchmaidsuggestion]

Have no desire whatsoever to obtain the reputation of a “good girl.”

[frenchmaidsuggestion]

My sincerest apologies for the lack of activity I have supplied to my loyal readers. My aunt has arrived in town unexpectedly, and I find myself very busy with visiting her in my spare time, leaving precious few hours to pen these small pieces of advice with.

[frenchmaidsuggestion]

smile sweetly when people discuss politics in your hearing. do not give a fig about politics, so long as france is not disrespected.

[frenchmaidsuggestion]

hide away chocolate and sweets in such quantities as to make even a confectioner frightened.

[frenchmaidsuggestion]

do not be afraid of large dogs, for more often than not, they are friendly creatures who will not bite and seek only affection.

[frenchmaidsuggestion]

embrace winter, but utterly reject woolen stockings.

[frenchmaidsuggestion]

wake with the birds and sing with them, too.

[frenchmaidsuggestion]

My reliable source has found wonderful information yet again- the number of people reading this publication has doubled! There are now 200 of you to whom I have given advice. Merci, merci, merci!

I should like to inform you all that my letter-box is always open, should you wish to submit some advice of your own or perchance are curious about my personal affairs beyond the suggestions I give. And for any who do not speak the loveliest tongue on Earth- I refer, of course, to French- I shall endeavor to reply to you (primarily) in English.