Who Am I To Me?

The age is 33 and the name is Jai. Still trying to figure out who I am and what that all entails. This is a personal journey, but don't be afraid to follow along. PS: I'm sorry if I romanticize things I shouldn't.

[freshjai]

….

Lost something hella sentimental to me and now I don’t know what to do with myself. I knew I’d lose it at some point with where I keep it, but it somehow managed to stay and I thought that was nice.

[whendidmythoughtsgocrazy]

And if I'm meant to be alone, please take away my desire to be loved.

k.b. // unknown

[freshjai]

Of Course This How It Ends…

And just like that I’m ending the year just like I started it, lonely.

[freshjai]

A guy I’m talking to on a dating app just described me as “commie, VHS, no-sex” and although I’m dying, I think I want to run with that description forever. 😂

[freshjai]

Ugh! Gross!

Seeing a man who was behaving rather gross and aggressive with me, hang around Woman that I think are cool, grosses me out. I feel some sort of way about calling him out and ruining the fun, but man does it make me uncomfortable to see him out here just chilling with folks on my feed. I’m not/wasn’t overreacting with my feelings of uncomfortableness and overall ick towards the man, so this part I shouldn’t feel bad about, it just makes sense why people don’t publicly talk about the shit they receive like this. Don’t want to cause alarm, but you’re weird and gross man and I just want you far away from the nice people.

[freshjai]

Not-So-Titanic…

Overwhelmed, sad, stressed, anxious and on the verge of tears. It feels like I’m losing something I’ll never be able to get back. Maybe it destroyed my attention span and it is in fact propaganda for a government I’m not currently residing under, but man did it teach me something, give me something to relate to, feel alone and seen all at the same time. Whatever happens I still feel like I’m rushing towards the edge and I have no choice of not slipping off. And I didn’t even make 1 video.

[freshjai]

Riding Out The Night

Since I know I can easily knock out 3 hours with it, I’m gonna end the year with some Sims 4, the beef and cheddar my brother got me for dinner and the knowledge that I’ll still be working on ish from 2024 tomorrow. ✌🏾

Here’s to not drying in 2024.

[ryanlewisandclark]

i cannot hate myself into a version of me i will love.

[ryanlewisandclark]

i cannot punish myself in any way that will unmake the past.

[freshjai]

I Don’t Need Actual Reminders…

My need to keep little trails of pieces of who I used to be will be the death of me.

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— Anaïs Nin, from The Voice

[buzzkillgirls]

so. bad news. we have to keep going tomorrow. good news is that I’ll keep going with you

[freshjai]

12:50 am…

Several bites of the plate of food you made earlier that’s been laying in bed with you, cause you fell asleep, but were immediately too tired and uninterested the moment you sat down, and some toothbrushing with water…. I guess this is 32.

[betterstartwalkingbaby]

normalizing going out just to look good in public and maybe buy some used books

[feelingsoftheday]

I owe myself a damn apology for all the lame shit I let slide

[miseducatedmelanicmuse]

[freshjai]

No Cookies....

I'm not asking for points for the current stuff I'm doing and I would truly rather not get any cookies for them because I might fail or I just might not live up to what some people have asked of me/us. I just turned down an invite to hang out with some work friends because I told myself that one of the ways I was going to participate in the global strike that has been called, is to not spend any unnecessary money this week. It is a doable ask for me. I was asked to go to this thing with friends the other day and said I had to think about it and when I got the follow-up text I realized what I had already committed to within myself. I thought about telling part of the truth, about not wanting to spend money this week, but then decided to say that as well as mention that it's because I'm participating in s a strike this week. Again no cookies or points, but yes that did take bravery, cause this is new for me. I hope that I get invited to more things in the future and I even said so in the message, however my brain still wonders if I'll be passed up in the future for saying no now. Obviously this is just my worried brain that no one actually likes me or if you say no once, you've basically said no forever, but I do hope that's not the case.

Honestly I just wanted to come and write this feeling down. It was the right choice, I'm just dealing with the after-feels.

[freshjai]

11:50pm...11:58pm

Writing this technically past midnight cause I figured what better way to end one year than to be late. Time is irrelevant anyway.

I guess I really just wanted to say that although I spent the better part of the last 5 months sad and hella lonely, I got to be cute and a girl and wanted for at least a little while. I know he wasn't my whole year, but he was a big part of it and when people do the whole "look at my year" stuff, it's hard not to mention him. All the fruit snacks and all the knees and all the times I didn't know what was up until it was over.

Relient K's Let It All Out is playing and ah the emotions. We had some good times and I hope he's okay. I hope he looks back on our moment as something worth it, even if the ultimate wants were different.

But hey, Mari had a baby and I got to see Ocean Avenue live. I got to take shoe selfies with Watsky. There's just as many pictures of Aniyah in my phone as there are of me. Family Reunions and 10 year work anniversaries. A lot happened and although I may still be a little attached to my first meandering partner, there's more life to live and it doesn't end here.

We are where we are and we wouldn't be here without you trying, so I'm glad you kept trying. Love you hella much!