Capricorn Diaries

Ramblings from a lost soul in Los Angeles...

[friendofjupiter]

Nose to the Air

I remember the "good old days" when I could pacify myself with things.  If I was feeling down, I'd go to a hip and trendy eatery, or I'd spend too much money buying clothes to feel as cool as some fashion blogger I was obsessed with at the moment.  These distractions helped me temporarily mask the deep sadness and loneliness I feel.   Now that I no longer have financial freedom, it's forced me to really pull from within to find happiness and boy, am I struggling.  I live somewhere that would be the average person's dream location, yet I spend almost every day in this apartment, alone.  Each night I promise myself that tomorrow I'm going to drive to the beach, or go hiking, or go to the art museum, but I never make it.  It's like I want to experience something specifically, but I don't know what it is.  All I know is the feeling.  Each day I see things, and they call out to my heart.  I get so frustrated because I don't know how to translate these vibes into something tangible.  Life for me is an aroma only.  I can almost taste it on the breezes that drift through my windows, but I can never have a piece.  

[friendofjupiter]

Extreme lounging.

[friendofjupiter]

Let it GROW!

My first big chop was in summer 2009.  Since then, I've grown my hair and cut it off several times.  In November 2012, I buzzed it all off again and promised myself I'd leave it alone and let it grow.  So far so good, but I still have days when I want to grab the clippers and go crazy.

[friendofjupiter]

Onyx

Onyx is my one-year-old fur baby.  She's a sweet terrier/chihuahua mix who's very mischievous and full of energy.  I adopted Onyx from a friend's coworker whose dog had puppies.  I remember meeting Onyx for the first time when she was just a few weeks old.  She looked like a Beanie Baby and even with her eyes closed, she was on the move and seemed determined to go somewhere.  

Onyx is my first dog and I love her immensely.  It wasn't easy raising a puppy, but we got through it and I'm so proud of her growth.  I find her to be such a beautiful spirit and an amazing creation.  I always wanted a girly, calm dog, but Miss Onyx is not that.  She's a true tomboy who loves to roughhouse and be chased.  She can play fetch and tug-o-war all day and enjoys playing with Simon, a puppy who lives down the street.  She gets shy around new people, is excited to meet new dogs, and is slightly intimidated by cats.  Her pastimes are digging in the couch, chewing the carpet, hiding under the bed and snacking on the shoeboxes mommy has under there, eating her stuffed animals, and pulling dirty clothes out of the hamper and destroying them.  Sigh...

During this difficult period of transition in my life, I'm so glad I have Onyx as my companion.  She has taught me to be more open by forcing me to interact with people I meet on the street.  She's small, yet so full of life and joy.  I hope we'll have many fun years together and continue to learn from each other.

[friendofjupiter]

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

While sitting here watching Kill Bill Volume I on IFC, I flashed back to a couple of years ago when I saw Django Unchained and then noticed Quentin Tarantino sitting in the theater bar after the movie. I NEVER ask celebrities for autographs or pictures out of respect, but I thought this moment was too special not to capture. I nervously asked Mr. Tarantino for a picture and when he politely said no, my soul was crushed. And now I will NEVER ask a celebrity for an autograph or picture.

[friendofjupiter]

One of the best moments I captured during the West LA College fireworks show.

[friendofjupiter]

Working on my portraits.

[friendofjupiter]

Last sliver of light on my wall as the sun made its descent tonight.

[friendofjupiter]

Dream Job Deferred

Some people are so lucky in that they grow up knowing exactly what they want to be.  Then there are those like me who at thirty-two are still trying to figure it out.  I had a phone interview the other day and the employer said I sounded like I didn't know what I want.  Accurate.  I seem to only know what I don't want.  When people ask me where I see myself in 5 - 10 years, I always tell them that I just want to be happy.  

It seems like society doesn't have time for people who don't know what they want.  There has to be a goal and a plan.  During interviews, I used to be able to pretend that I was passionate about whatever the business did, but I can't hide it anymore.  And there's this pressure to hurry up and figure it out; I have to pay rent and feed myself after all!  I keep wondering if there's a place for me, or if I'm doomed to wander aimlessly for the rest of my life, going wherever people will have me, and never feel satisfied.  

I believed in the idea of a dream job up until recently; the concept has changed for me.  It's no longer about benefits and money and doing cool stuff and getting to wear jeans every day.  For me, a dream job is simply one that will not suck the life out of me, and will allow me to make time for the things I enjoy doing.