This may very well be my last update.
Things never did get better. I’ve been hurting so so much. I’ve lost basically everyone I ever cared about. I’ve never felt so alone and abandoned in all of my life. I’ve also never felt so certain that life had nothing to offer me. Every day is a pain that I just can’t keep enduring. It’s not fair to expect me to suffer forever.
I told myself a year ago that this April would mark when I make my final decision. By April’s end, I would decide if I have any reason to keep trying. And if life continued to be as miserable and awful as it is, I would finally give up entirely. Cuz I can’t just keep going on and on like this. I don’t have that kind of endurance. Especially not alone.
So far, NOTHING has improved. I’m still alone, I’m still suffering, I’m still worthless, I still make no money, I still can’t do the things I love, and it’s becoming clearer that these will never get better ever again.
You can blame me if you want to. I know it’s my fault for losing the people I loved most. I know I’m terrible at being a friend. And you can blame me for being weak and giving up too. But I just can’t do this forever. My mind wasn’t well to begin with. NORMAL life had been difficult. But this? This life where I can never do anything I love and I will always be alone? This is impossible. I can’t keep torturing myself by fighting a losing battle. It’s not fair to me.
So I make my final decision on April 30th. And it seems extremely likely that I’ll decide it’s time to stop. Unless something miraculous were to happen that involved becoming free again and my friends forgiving my stupid terrible self, I’m going to shut down entirely. Especially because my birthday is in may, and I don’t want to have to be reminded again of what I’ve lost.
I’m sorry it has to come to this. But I’m tired. I can’t fight forever. I’m not well. The only reason I made it as far as I did was because of the help of my beloved friends and family. But now they’re gone and things just keep getting worse.
I hope you all remember how amazing you all are and how much each and every one of you meant to me. Please don’t take my failure as a reason to give up on yourselves. Hate me if you wish, but never forget that I believe in you all.
I might say something again at April’s end. I might not. Writing this hurts a lot. But I was willing to do it because I think you all deserve to know what happened to me.
I wish you all the best.
-Madeline
(A.k.a. Frillythingy, Coffee Fueled Author)














