It’s been quite the spiritual journey to say the least. There have been many memories made with countless souls which will never be forgotten, and with this reflection I can confidently say I am exactly where I’m meant to be. Let me start by thanking the most influential adults from my youth, this includes my immediate guardians and every person I once called family. Throughout my life I have transcended from one Ashley to the next, some a little more impulsive than others. Each version of myself I see a reoccurring insecurity, which I will get into later. There are about 4 people who I consistently thinking of when I envision what kind of person I want to be. These people are or have been the rock in my life at some point and without being selfish or materialistic I suggest taking what you need from those people, take the qualities you love most about them. To start off, thank you to the woman who stepped into both pairs of shoes and raised a child alone, provided me with a roof over my head and food in my stomach. Naturally, she learned from another special woman whose creativity had no bounds and fought for her independence as long as she could. If she didn’t encourage my impromptu fashion shows, endless painting of cats on rocks and passion for holiday festivities, I don’t know what kind of person I would be. The foundation for my person came from a loving and wildly creative upbringing, and I hope to build upon my experiences when raising my own children. As I ventured through my high school years I wouldn’t realize how much there was to learn from a woman more kind than any living soul ever to be encountered. A warm, unbiased welcome was always waiting for me as I pulled myself out of the rain and mud into her car. Thank you for loving me for all of me and not whom I was dating. Last but not least, my most recent influence has challenged everything I’ve battled in my head over these last 10 years. She has paved a road toward the self-actualization I never thought could be reality. Who knew a placement supervisor could have such an impact on someone. Becoming a student in the Social Service Worker program ripped the band aids from hidden wounds, let them bleed out and gave them the oxygen needed to heal.
I sat in Cindy’s car and explained for the first time how a new perspective has washed over me. New beginnings and positive posts aren't foreign to me or my blog but there is something different about my newly acquired attitudes. This mind set is calm, it is logical, it is forgiving. Thanks to my new inspiration, I don’t feel the constant pressure to view the world through rose coloured glasses. I was convinced in order to be happy I had to act happy all the time, it was fake and hurt me more in the end. It felt like everyone always wanted the happy, bubbly and cheerleading Ashley and they weren't willing to accept any other version. The thought of letting them down tore me up inside, the endless nights crying because I never left good enough for anyone. This insecurity bled into every relationship, every thought and everyday for years to come. The winds of change have blown me into the arms of new beginning. However, I do slip up from time to time but the difference between then and now is I’m willing to forgive myself and embrace the sadness. There are many affirmations I turn to when times get tough but the most important tool I’ve acquired is being okay with being sad. Learning to accept myself through each emotion allows me to control my thoughts much more effectively instead of letting them control me.
I’ve listed below thoughts I tell myself on a daily based. They have really helped me move through my emotions and if this post can help guide you in anyway I have done my job.
1. Live in the present, listen and learn from your surroundings and absorb as much as you can.
2. You don’t have to smile all the time. Being kind and genuine doesn’t mean you have to be a cheerleader every second of day, everyday.
3. Be comfortable with being uncomfortable, that’s how you grow but never feel bad for stopping uninvited or negative behaviours.
4. Forgive those unwilling to apologize but also forgive yourself. We are just human.
5. Some people aren’t meant to be in your life permanently, even if you try your hardest to keep them there. They will flow in and out of your life teaching you as you are teaching them.
6. Progress not perfection.
