Straight White Boyâs Guide to Talking to Girls
Iâm aware that I am probably being over-generous, but I am going to pretend for a moment that many of the boys featured on straightwhiteboystexting are unaware of how to talk to women, rather than purposefully harassing them. I am creating this to be a helpful guide to anyone out there who is prone to saying stupid things, the likes of which can be found on that blog.
Part 1: Pickup Lines
Donât. Just donât. Yes, there are some women who will find an exceptionally cheesy/clever pickup line to be adorkable, but most people canât pull it off.Â
Unfortunately, Hollywood and tv have taught us that unless you deliver a breathtakingly suave introduction, youâre doomed from the start. This is not true. The best conversation-starters are the simplest ones. The general rule is to pick from whatever information you have (her appearance, profile information, location) and start a conversation there like a normal human being. The only change is to make it slightly more positive - build in some nice, non-creepy compliments - NOT âI want to put my face in your boobs,â but âYou have gorgeous eyes.â Hereâs a few examples.
Online:
-Â âHey, you look really nice in your picture.â
-Â âHi, Iâm X. Your profile said youâre from X. Me too!/Whatâs it like there?â
- A comment on something strange going on in the profile picture, like âWhoah, thatâs quite a cannonball youâre doing in your profile pic! Did it hurt when you landed?â
-Â âHey, Iâm X. Do you go by *stated name* or *common nickname for stated name*?â
In person:
-Â âHey, you look really gorgeous. Can I buy you a drink?â
-Â âWild party, huh? Hi, Iâm X. Whatâs your name?â
-Â âHey. Do you wanna go dance?â (if she says no)Â âAlright. Hi, Iâm X. If I canât entice you to dance, can I at least get you a drink?â
- âHi, nice chucks/cool scarf.â If this makes you uncomfortable, 1) You will not stop being heterosexual if you admire an article of clothing, I promise. 2) You can add a line like, âIâve been looking for something like that to give to my roommate/mother/sister/aunt/friend for her birthday. Whereâd you get it?â
Part 2: Continuing the Conversation
1. Pay attention. Sheâs going to bring up other stuff. Talk about that! Did she mention that she didnât like the music? Compare some musical tastes! Ask if sheâs heard X album! Did she say sheâs there with a friend? Ask how they know each other! Did she say the whiskey was good here? Start talking about the different bars in the area, and what they serve thatâs good!
2. Her brain is not the doorman to her vagina. Maybe you wonât get laid with this girl. Now, I want you to think back on how much of your life youâve spent not getting laid, and see how that turned out. Not dead yet? Still functioning? Great! Furthermore, being in the friendzone is a really good thing. That means you have a new friend! Plus, friends often set up other friends with single people they know. If she says upfront that sheâs not interested, here is your response: âOk. Sorry if I bothered you. You donât happen to know anyone here whoâs looking to meet someone, do you?â
If she says no, then say, âOk, nice talking to youâ and head on out. Nobody has to be belittled, slut-shamed, or creeped out.
3. If the conversation stalls, hereâs a few restarters, mixed for both in-person and online.
-Â âWhatâs something youâre looking forward to this month?â
-Â âHave you had the food here yet? Do you like it?â
-Â âWhatâs the most recent movie you watched/book you read/video game you played?â
-Â âHave you seen [popular movie thatâs currently out] yet?â
-Â âWhat do you do for fun?â
-Â âYou have really pretty eyes, you know.â
-Â âDo you wanna dance?â
-Â âWhere did you grow up?â
-Â âGod, the new emojis are so weird. I mean, look at this one - [posts strange emoji]â
3. Follow her lead. I know the prevailing theme here is âDonât bring up sexual stuffâ, but if she does, feel free to talk dirty back. Has she stated she doesnât want to dance? Donât ask her to dance again. Is she touching your hands? You can probably touch her arms too.
Please remember that any woman you talk to is going to be on-guard to make sure youâre not a potential rapist, and so her comfort level needs to be respected. Thatâs not to say yours isnât important, and let her know if youâre not comfortable with something sheâs doing/saying/suggesting. Women in general have a pretty good track record with respecting stuff like that.
Part 3: What NOT to do.
1. Pickup lines. Seriously, just donât.
2. Bringing up anything sexual before date #2. Do not ask for nudes unless youâve been together for over a month. Remember: she has to gauge whether or not youâre the type of guy whoâd post it to a revenge porn website. If you really want nudes that bad, go watch some porn. Also, I canât believe I have to say this, but it is none of your damn business if sheâs a virgin or how far sheâs gone. Furthermore, you donât need to know anything about her sexual proclivities until you are actually inside the bedroom.
3. Ignoring signals. Now, this oneâs hard for guys to understand, hence the whole HAHA WOMEN BE CRAY CRAY AND NEVER SAY WHAT THEY MEAN subset of internet culture. Please remember that if you are a woman in this world, you have to be very careful in what you do or say to the men you meet, because thereâs a very real possibility they might murder/rape you, or at the very least use their power and privilege to make your life hell. Here are some popular signals you need to learn to recognize and respect:
- Flinching/physically withdrawing from you: This means âStopâ or âNot todayâ or âThat was a red flagâ
- Short auto-response, followed by long pause/long âUhhhhâ. This means: âYou just said or did something that makes me uncomfortable, and Iâm trying to think quickly of how to respond.â Qualifying phrases include âWow, okâŚâ âOh, ummâŚâ âWelllllllâŚ.â
- Silence/Ignoring: This means âGo away.â
- Making as little eye contact as possible: This means âIâm looking for a way out of this conversation.â
There are some exceptions here, especially with women on the autism spectrum, women with PTSD, women with sensory disorders, or women who just auto-react to some things poorly. It wonât hurt you to come back with a âOh, Iâm sorry. I didnât mean to make you feel uncomfortable. Do you want me to go?â
Part 4: A few more general rules
- If you wouldnât say it to your celebrity crush, donât say it to her.
- You are not and never will be entitled to sex from anyone.
- You will be ok if you donât get laid tonight.
- If your friends would make fun of you for being with a certain kind of girl in public, then you need to find new friends.
- Every woman is different, and there is no grand conspiracy, or universal thing that women want, except respect.
- Consent can be sexy as hell, but even when itâs not, it is always mandatory.
- Consider asking a female friend to be your wingman. Lots of women love setting up their friends. Or ask her or for advice, like, âDo I come on too strongâ or âDo I smell?â or âIs there something everyone else picks up on me that I donât notice?â
- Ax the Axe. Take a shower with some soap and shampoo and youâre good.
- If youâre self-conscious about your appearance, you are allowed to do things like get a manicure, get some light concealer for spots on your skin, get your hair done professionally. You will not stop being heterosexual if you do these things. That is not how heterosexuality works.
- Women of color do not enjoy being exoticized. Generally itâs not a good idea to bring up her race unless she brings it up first, at least not on the first date. Thatâs not to say you canât, but WOC are so used to creepy guys talking to them about their Asian/black/whatever fetishes that you might come off as one of those guys without realizing it.
- Never forget that you are a human, talking to a human. You are not a human talking to a separate species with sex-holes that you covet.
If this helps even one boy not send dick-pics, I will be satisfied. Peace, yâall!
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