reparo

just a bibliophilic ex-medblr setting out on a new adventure

[frommedicinetomagic]

Moving Tumblrs

This one will stay but I no longer plan on posting or otherwise logging on to this one. If you wish to follow me still, my new Tumblr is @tea-books-and-somelooks

[frommedicinetomagic]

4.5 mo to go

until our wedding arrives.

I thought there was lots of time and that I was ahead of everything.

Except now I keep thinking of how much time we have left. 4.5 months, 18 weeks, 137 days. It doesn’t seem like so much time after all. Especially when I’m trying to figure out our overseas honeymoon (having never been overseas and wanting to get our hotels shortly) and need to completely plan the ceremony timeline and reception. And figure out what details I’ve forgotten.

[frommedicinetomagic]

golddigger

Apparently something I said made a cousin of my fiance’s think I was only after his money.

Since he’s currently a med student, and knowing the stress that comes with that career and having already experienced the stress that puts on the significant other, I want to be like

Not to mention the other part of me is offended that someone could think that of me (granted they don’t actually know me), seeing how much I love and care about my fiance. We’ve been through a lot of shit together and it upsets me a lot that someone, a soon-to-be family member, sees me as a golddigger.

[frommedicinetomagic]

long time no post

Sorry if you’ve been waiting to see something from me!

Life is pretty normal (sigh, normal.... what a relief after med school!). Wedding plans still going and coming together. (180~ days left til wedding day!)

And I’ve applied to a near by accelerated BSN program. I’m waiting to hear back now, but I hope nursing is a better fit for me.

Please don’t think I’m going to try to get into nursing school because I ‘didn’t make it in med school so nursing is the other option’. 

I chose to pursue nursing because of several reasons;

I like hands-on care.

I like being busy.

I like interacting with patients (usually).

I like caring for others.

I don’t want to waste the education I have already received.

I still like medicine.

It’s a 1.5 year program, which, if I am accepted, only puts me 6 months behind my fiance (who will at that point be my husband).

Nurses are always, always needed. Everywhere.

There are many different areas of practice and many different jobs a nurse can have. (Much more flexibility there than a doctor has!)

Nurses are amazing, strong, intelligent people without whom the doctors could not do their job. Nurses are indispensable.

I hope I can join their ranks. I hope it is a better fit for me than becoming a doctor...

[frommedicinetomagic]

I choose to stop being who I think I need to be to become who I really want to be.

[frommedicinetomagic]

a transitional time

Fiance has started his 3rd year, which means clinicals, while I’m working full-time at hospital and part-time at a retail chain. (At said hospital where clinicals occur, which means many ‘hi and bye’ dash-away-from-former-classmates encounters for me.)

Transitioning from being a med student to only supporting one then should be easy, right? Cause I know what’s going on. I know how busy he is. But... While I know he’s busy, I didn’t make it far enough to know what clinicals are like. I can’t and won’t know what he’s going through. It feels like looking through a window at something that I can never have. And other days it’s like looking inside the window and feeling relief at being free.

I want to help him as much as I can. But I’m not sure how. Giving him foot rubs and fetching dinner doesn’t seem like much. Making sure his water bottle is full and coffee cup clean is trivial. I want to do more, but my time is limited unfortunately. Help a girl out?

Medblrs, what is the most helpful thing your SO does for you?

[frommedicinetomagic]

For some reason tonight, I cannot shake off the pain of my failures. I can't forget how I couldn't do anything for my grandfather, dying painfully from metastatic lung cancer. He was a farmer. A gentle soul. Never smoked. Died after months in the hospital, weeks on hospice. I was 11. I can't forget how I didn't handle a bad situation in college, when my newly-made ex threatened suicide if I didn't take him back. (He didn't, though he did swallow handfuls of ibuprofen and banged his head off the floor until I physically restrained him.) How I couldn't save myself. How stupid I was to let this terrible manipulative relationship drag on. How I didn't act as quickly to protect myself as I should have. How I seemed to have destroyed this guy's life, though I only wanted to be free and find honest love. How a few months before then my father had a major heart attack and I didn't answer my mother's call. Because I was with ex. How I almost lost my father, after losing my biological father at 3. (My father raised me since I was 5, so he's my true dad to me.) How a few months after my grandma was diagnosed with metastatic cancer that they called liver cancer for lack of a known origin. Plus kidney failure. She chose kidney failure over a hard course of treatment. How I promised I'd come home to see her the next weekend, but due to family restrictions on visitors I couldn't. How she died of kidney failure after a late snow storm in March, a couple days after I said I'd come visit. How I utterly failed my expectations of myself in medical school. How I regret ery time I see am old classmate that I'm not still a student. I regret my regret. I hate that I miss it because I know fully well how terrible the environment and system were to me, how I'm happier and healthier I'm the real world. But how I still long to belong somewhere. I can't fall asleep from the weight of all of it.

[frommedicinetomagic]

Life lately. New job is great. It's busy and makes the day go fast, plus I love the steady hours. Fiance and I have officially been together for 2 years now. He took me on an amazing date, where he wandered around the zoo with me, bought me more books than he planned and treated me to a romantic dinner. He even had a champagne bottle for us, not to mention all the rose petals on the table. Oh and I've settled on centerpieces for our wedding and have almost everything I need for them. Picked bridesmaid dresses and just need to settle on colors. Our cats are getting accustomed to our newest member, a little grey kitten who doesn't sit still enough for a good picture. The black cat, Shadow, is very much like her and is a great big brother for her. And I finally did a paint nite, this one Harry Potter themed. I think I did ok for not having painted in over ten years. Added a favorite quote to it too.

[purplebuddhaproject]

https://www.instagram.com/pbuddhaproject/

[frommedicinetomagic]

Guys I'm a big girl now

In that I was offered and accepted my first post-school full time job! I'm going to have health insurance! Is it sad that that has been one of my main worries as my 26th year draws closer? (It's still 8 months away....) Now to plan out how to break the news to my current manager, at a place I want to continue working at. Just with a lot less hours.... Any advice?

[frommedicinetomagic]

My flowers make me happy. <3

[frommedicinetomagic]

I'm sorry if this is too personal, but why did you decide to step away from medicine? Are you happy with that decision?

I don't mind answering. C:Honestly I began to hate the environment I was in. My class was full of over-achievers (aka gunners). I get like I didn't have time to just be a human, hardly got to see my family, rarely hung out with friends. I didn't feel happy. I wasn't me; I'm pretty sure the environment resulted in depression and anxiety problems. I may have had a tendency towards it already, but med school brought it out. And it turned me into a living shell of the person I used to be.I loved the patient care aspects, and I am still interested in medicine. But I also didn't like or realize how much business work is built in to being a doctor. Didn't like isn't strong enough, actually. Loathed? Detested? So between the few moments of patient care, the bureaucracy, my lack of anywhere close to a normal life with limited social contact, and the stress pot on me leading to declined mental health, I decided the best thing for me was to leave medical school. And now I'm happy. I don't have my future career planned out, since I had been so focused on becoming a doctor. I do have a low level job and am trying to find a full time job. Wedding plans keep me busy in my free time, which I actually have and can spend doing normal human things without feeling like I should be studying. I'm working on learning a new language. Despite working nearly 40 hours each week, I have had time to hang out with friends and go see family. I still have some anxiety issues, but it's rare, and I no longer feel depressed. I feel free.

[frommedicinetomagic]

my bad: the update

Apologies for being so silent lately!

Work: I’ve been working pretty much 40 hours a week at my job. Which sucks.

Career: Well, for one, I had an interview a couple weeks ago at a local hospital for a low-level medical-ish position. Waiting to hear back (within 7-10 days now I think). I’m waiting to hear back from an accelerate bachelor of nursing program too. On whether I can scratch off another couple classes or not from their requirements. (Cause do I really need to take anatomy and physiology when I’ve done it in all but name?)

Life: I get two days off, usually. Spent doing housework and running errands, mostly, with some down time for reading books. Eh. It’s ok.

Wedding: I have an idea for centerpieces, and actually quite a bit of what I need! Also got save the dates in already. I really need to slow down on this... 

My fiance: NP just finished his second year of med school (yay!) but now has to study for Step 1 (the horror).

[frommedicinetomagic]

how to learn a new language

So I’ve attempted this in high school and college (Spanish and ASL, respectively) and didn’t really succeed at it. I was marginally better at ASL than Spanish. But now I want to try again. The local library has Rosetta Stone, which I thought I’d try. Any other advice or suggestions?

[modernathenamd]

#DrAthena

[frommedicinetomagic]

ahhhhhhhh!!!! I’m so happy for youuuu!!! :D Congrats Dr. Athena!

[frommedicinetomagic]

my coworker is awesome

Recently bereaved, nice, friendly older man. I realize that sounds creepy. But he isn’t, I promise. He just likes to chat about anything and everything. For example, Boy Scouts, dogs, gardening, and once I told him about my tea obsession.

Today at work I took his place at a register so he could have his break. He came back with a green metal thermos, started unscrewing the top while he said that he’d been thinking of me yesterday. (Um, ok?) Then proceeded to show me the little tea filter in the thermos, just before I spotted the Teavana logo on the side, and said his kids hadn’t wanted it, so he was giving it to me because he remembered I like ‘nice tea’. (I presume this is something that was his wife’s, or maybe he’s just cleaning house now that he’s a widow.)

His generosity, giving me something he knew I’d like because he remembered I like tea, made my day a wonderful one. If everyone was a bit more like my coworker, I think this world--and in particular this country--would be a better place. I hope I can be as generous as he was today.

[frommedicinetomagic]

advice please?

My fiance seems unusually worn out, tired, and unfocused lately with his studies. I never managed to learn how to help him through this, since I was too busy with my own tiredness and burn out to be of use. So, as a newly-made non-med student, do any medblrs have suggestions on how to help a second year med student stressing over Step 1 studying?