[frookie]

Don't know how to ever shift the guilt from calling in sick to work, not because of The Company or whatever, I just hate being the reason someone else gets drafted in on their day off for cover.

[frookie]

Two days on from my first endo physiotherapy and I'm trying to remember I have to trust the process. I was so worried about it being awful but she really made me feel at ease, it's just that the internal examination was hell and I thought I was going to pass out afterwards from pain which was cool. It helped that it's all managed by the specialist clinic and she had all of my notes at least, because going over the same stuff is time consuming and tedious. Had to do a lot of bending, squatting and stretching, then she had some sensors on me to assess how my muscles were responding to each movement (the answer is: badly), but a part of me also wonders how doable it is at the moment. A big focus was on diaphragmatic breathing and that's sort of hard when my diaphragm is full of endo tissue on the right side. Similarly for bending and stretching when my pelvic organs are fused together. I'm sticking at it because at this point I'd give anything to feel even a slight improvement until my laparoscopy happens but I'm so down about it all.

[frookie]

Woke up in the night and knew immediately when I had some water that I had a bad throat coming on. Sure enough this morning it felt like swallowing razor blades - got some spray for it, now my head feels so heavy it might fall off and my nose has been running constantly for hours. Someone needs to go to jail for me getting a cold when I already have two chronic illnesses and we are literally amidst a heatwave.

[frookie]

Had a new visitor to the feeder - a female eurasian blackbird. I always find it so comforting when I wake up and check my notifications to see that all the birds have been out there having breakfast while I've been fast asleep. This was at 4.52 this morning!

[frookie]

A story in two parts.

[frookie]

Be funny when all the mainstream football podcasts tomorrow like your Guardian Football Weekly and your Totally Football Show all do the usual "It's Coming Home is actually an ironic and sort of self-deprecating thing, it's very misunderstood, so we never actually mean it" thing. It happens every time. At least they still have irrelevent Scotland and German bombers to sing about. xo

[frookie]

I think there's no international fanbase more full of daft wee edgelords than England's. There's a total inability to have any banter despite the "no one likes us, we don't care" nonsense. Say you hope their opposition wins and you'll have some St George's cross emoji cunt in your replies like "our country fucking slayed your lot once and we could do it again, respect our king, filth". Omg lighten UP.

[frookie]

Imagine you became tragically ill and lost your independence completely, maybe even capacity to make decisions for yourself, and your loved ones started filming themselves caring for you and posting it online for content. Or imagine you'd grown up with a disability and discovered that your mum and dad had an entire online presence based around raising you, having documented some of your most vulnerable moments for thousands to see.

I feel like I'm LOSING MY MIND that this has become a thing and people aren't kicking off an appropriate amount about it.

[frookie]

I didn't sleep well enough last night to be checking a prednisolone taper schedule script written by a doctor whose handwriting might as well be hieroglyphics.

Shoutout to the person who told me I need to get my eyesight checked as well because I looked in their ear with an actual otoscope and it was a textbook example of a Healthy Ear, but they said they're certain something is lodged in the canal but wouldn't accept that there could be a pressure issue instead so stormed away. Cba.

[frookie]

Some better things:

- although the weather has been so warm, I've been managing some shorter runs and keep getting new PBs on my splits, and on the last 5k I did I had improved my time significantly, so I'm chuffed that I'm keeping up with it in a more manageable way until it cools down a bit again

- I have my first hypertonic pelvic floor physio appointment this week and have literally no idea what it's going to entail, but I can't wait until they help me get to a point where I don't feel like I have unbearable muscle cramps in my actual vag anymore, endometriosis continues to be hell

- Pokemon cards are still bringing me no end of joy and I have some pre-ordered bits from the new set arriving this week, I did a sort out of my binders earlier in preparation for all the new additions

- I made a proper TBR list earlier of what I want to get through on my shelves and I feel excited about reading again after the last book I slogged through felt like such hard work, and I know I can simply just not finish something if I'm not enjoying it, but my brain is funny about it for whatever reason so maybe I should simply tell myself to stfu in future and not care

[frookie]

Luteal phasing + having a range of delayed EMDR responses from my appointment last week is really making me feel gr8 today. Need to do a factory reset overnight somehow as I cannot carry this vibe into a new week.

[frookie]

The staunch R*ngers fan who lives near me has chucked a load of England fans up for tonight. What a sad little life.

[frookie]

Today a person pretty much threw a crumpled up prescription at me that was printed in the middle of *May*. I don't know what had happened to it but it was covered in various stains, so that was lovely. When I said it would be a 45 min wait because we were totally backed up for waiters/call-backs/consultations, they screwed their face up and snapped that they needed it ASAP because they were just about to head to the airport on holiday. I glanced down at it and was like "Oh, it's just that it seems this was printed off away back in May...?" and they said they'd had extras at home so hadn't needed to get it filled until now, conveniently a matter of hours before flying out of the country. Be more organised then!!! I always want to help people but if they're going to have an attitude then they simply have to recognise that an emergency for them doesn't constitute an emergency for us - we have a triage system for a reason. When I said they were welcome to try the other chemist down the road they just snatched it back out of my hand and left. I love 2 work with the public. My favourite is always "20 minutes? But I've got a taxi waiting!" - I mean I guess you better go and tell the taxi to leave then and you can phone another one once you're ready to go? Urgh.

[frookie]

I was sat on my couch earlier and heard two guys talking as if they were directly under my living room window. When I looked out I then discovered said two guys trying to open the doors on my car??? I stuck my head out the window like "eh, can I fuckin help you?" and they just immediately ran away. Neighbour next door said she got them on her doorbell camera trying her car as well and then ripping a load of branches off someone's lovely flowering garden bush across the road. Do they know it's still broad daylight and there are loads of people still awake/out and about? Idiots. This is another example of why we can't have nice things, cunts like them seeing a beautiful plant in someone's garden and thinking "be funny if we ruined this". There's not even an excuse of them being bored kids, they were fully in their 20s at least. Everyone is testing me this week.

[frookie]

I hate to be a "it wasn't like this back in my day" person but walking around yesterday made me feel so bleak looking at how all the young girls I saw were like clones of one another, all dressed like mini influencers in the exact same athleisure clothes, full 'clean girl' face of makeup done, wearing the same shoes, inexplicably at like 10 years old all drinking giant Starbucks flavoured matchas. Trends have obviously always been a thing, but no one is telling me that social media hasn't resulted in the death of individuality in so many ways.

[frookie]

I wrote a whole thing about today and deleted it because I'm annoying.

But.

Basically I had to take the car to the garage to get the air-con gas sorted but while waiting for it to be done I had no idea of a rough time estimate for collection and it slowly drove me more and more insane over the day because it wasn't close to where I live and I didn't know what to do or where to go because if I started making the journey home (an hour away) but then got called back then that would've also been annoying. Without knowing timescales for stuff I seem to be unable to cope and it's ridiculous. I tried to have a chill time with a drink in a nice cafe and my book but then some iPad children arrived and ruined everything so I had to leave for my mental health. I walked around loads and went to some shops but anyway I dropped the car off at 8am and collected it after 3pm and Idk how I really spread those activities out over 7 (seven) hours but I'm tired and moody.

[frookie]

It's the cat's birthday today! He's 8! 🎈