firestar finally confronts her one night, in the middle of their journey to their new home. after the destruction of their forest, being driven out of their home, and having to abruptly find a new start, morningflower almost forgot seeing sasha again.
“you knew the whole time?” firestar asks; morningflower’s ears prick, and she immediately knows exactly what he’s referring to.
she gives her friend a tight smile. “it was hard not to. hawkfrost looks so much like him, and sasha pretty much told me when she was staying with windclan.”
(she saw it so much over the seasons, as hawkfrost and mothwing began to grow - their resemblance to their father was becoming as plain as day.)
firestar is quiet for a long time; morningflower blinks, frowning at the orange-furred tomcat.
“it wasn’t my secret to tell,” morningflower tells him sternly. “and it has no relevance; who their father is, that’s not important. hawkfrost and mothwing have nothing to do with him.”
“it’s not that,” firestar’s voice is strangely soft. morningflower blinks, and he looks at her with a sad gleam in his eyes. “i just….how were you able to do that? to take them in, to raise them as your own. how….”
morningflower feels a twist in her gut, and she can’t look at firestar’s face. it’s the same question that tallstar had asked. onewhisker. ashfoot. every cat who was alive during that time, during the worst day of morningflower’s life, had asked.
how can you look at them? dont they remind you of the cat who murdered your son?
she’s quiet for a very long time; firestar looks worried.
“i’m sorry,” he says quickly, dipping his head. “i shouldn’t- it’s not my place to comment on that, i apologize.”
“it’s okay,” she tells him; she thinks of his question much harder than she has any of the other times she’s been asked it.
“truthfully?” morningflower asks, and firestar nods. “i was - am - able to be their mother because they needed someone. they were all alone, firestar; sasha couldn’t stay in the clans, and they would’ve been alone in windclan. they needed someone to look after them, to take care of them,” she’s quiet again. “to be another mother to them, to love them. i can see tigerstar in their faces every day; it’s hard not to, but…”
she thinks of hawkpaw, running full speed to her just to show her his first catch. mothpaw, curling up against her side because of a thunderstorm. the pair of them bringing her out of the nursery on her worst days, the days when all she could think of was gorsepaw, just because they realized she needed someone, too.
“they saved me,” she feels a weight coming off of her shoulders, just being able to finally say it out loud. “i needed them just as much as they needed me. i wanted….” she smiles as she looks at firestar; it’s pained, but it’s there. “they’re tigerstars children by blood, but i wanted to raise them away from his image. they’re my children, not his.”
she can imagine gorsepaw’s face - but this time, she feels as though she can hear him whispering i want you to be happy, mama.
when she pictures hawkfrost and mothwing, she thinks back i think i’m getting there, baby.
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