Frosts Wrath

Writing/vents/personal shit Main: l0lumbine

[frosts-wrath]

Short intro for this account

Frost/Jaden, she/her, 16, German/English (learning French/Norwegian)

Main (tcc) account: @l0lumbine

This is NOT my tcc account

I will post a lot of my personal shit her (I lowkey hate everyone and this will probably show)

Severely mentally ill

I hear voices and think I’m in a parasocial relationship with a dead guy <3

Feel free to ask me about my opinion on literally anything or just ask random questions

[frosts-wrath]

I don’t know what’s wrong with my view of things but it feels completely different from everyone else’s and I can’t turn it off or explain why. Everything is a sign. Everything is connected. Sometimes that’s nice for like one second because it gives me hope or makes life feel a lil better or more exiting, but most of the time it’s just exhausting and scary because then my brain starts turning everything into proof that people hate me or that something is wrong.

If people laugh I think it’s about me. If people talk in groups I think it’s about me. If someone looks at me weird I think I did something wrong. I feel like I’m constantly being watched and judged and like everything I do will be used against me later. I try to shrug it off and act normal but inside my head everything is being overanalysed and I can’t stop it even when I know it doesn’t make sense logically. So much doesn’t make sense.

And it’s not even just fear but also attachment. I get stuck on people in my head in a way I can’t explain properly? I start seeing signs everywhere connected to them and my brain builds this whole story around it until it feels real. it turnd into this idea that someone is my soulmate even if he doesn’t know me (he is dead) but he talks to me and understands me so much better than everyone else. (I will probably write a lot more about him) I don’t even know how to explain that without sounding insane but it feels real in my head and that’s the problem. I hate how real it feels.

I also try to talk to people about it all but it still feels like nobody really gets it. Maybe they listen and maybe they don’t judge me as much as I think but it doesn’t reach that part of my brain that actually feels it. So I end up feeling alone with it even when I’m not alone. Oh wow.

Or my stupid thought about none of this being real. I often think that I’m actually just in a coma and that I will wake up son from it (idk I find signs that I’m gonna wake up soon ig) like I’m not actually here and this is all just something I’m watching or trapped in. this life is so horrible and doesn’t make sense at all to the point I just believe it’s not even real anymore. What a good mindset to live with ig.

And I’m tired of feeling like this, of turning random things into signs, of thinking people secretly hate me or laugh about me or are waiting for me to mess up. I just want to exist without analysing every second of it. Omfg it’s annoying and people promise me that they’re not planning anything against me and stuff and literally offer me to go through their phone so I can see for myself. I’m so fucking sorry for everyone who has to be around me and my stupid thoughts.

I want to be normal so badly but my brain just doesn’t stop.

[frosts-wrath]

I need to talk about my math teacher Mrs. H again. I genuinely think I lost years of my life in that classroom. I don’t understand how someone manages to make math worse than it already already is. Like mathematically that should not even be possible, but this bitch somehow found a way.

Nobody understood anything. And when I say nobody I actually mean nobody. Not even the smart people. I hate them but I even asked them about Mrs H. The people who ended up getting good grades didn’t get them because the lessons helped but bc they went home and taught themselves the entire topic again. I genuinely felt like every math lesson made me know less than before. I would walk in thinking okay maybe I understand this a little and then leave class completely confused wondering what I did the past 90 mins

And then she gave us Bettermarks.

NINETEEN assignments. With each having 5-10 sub tasks and most of those have 2-5 steps too.

And she said if you’re good at math it should take 1-2 hours and if you struggle maybe 3-5 hours. Three to five hours?? I don’t know who she thought she was talking to because there is absolutely no universe where that estimate was correct. First of all the “good” students didn’t have to do those tasks. Second of all it took SOOOO much longer.

I spent way too much time sitting in front of my screen trying to understand anything. At the end AI had to do my stuff (come on it’s math homework guys don’t hate me) but not even AI could get everything right and even with AI it took too long. This shit was a psychological experiment to see how long students can stare at a screen before they completely crash out. The teacher is a social experiment too btw.

How am I supposed to do nineteen online assignments about a topic I already didn’t understand in class?

Math being difficult isn’t even what annoyed me. What annoyed me was feeling like we had to teach ourselves everything and then still being expected to perform as if we had actually been taught. Some people were genuinely stressed about whether they’d even continue because of math and that’s insane. And the teacher acts like she always explains well. No you don’t. I’m so sorry for her kids. It’s literally concerning. Why did your dad have to sit every weekend with you as a lil kid to practice math.

Fuck bettermarks!!! It’s a horrible website

I hope Bettermarks never enters my life again because I didn’t get better marks I just got burnout.

[frosts-wrath]

Rant about 2 people I hate

Summer holidays are almost here. We have two weeks of internship now so basically no more normal classes and I’m FREE. I can finally chill my life and not see certain people every day anymore. And around 20 people aren’t moving on to the next year and 2 very special people named LF and LT are included. Which… after this year… I’m not even surprised.

LF:

She’s in my class and genuinely one of the most exhausting people I’ve ever met. At first she was friends with us and we liked her and still hangs around us but lowkey acts like she hates everyone in our group half the time. She complains that people exclude her while doing the exact same thing to us. She talks like we’re worth less and makes stupid comments and then acts confused when people get annoyed.

And the amount of random excuses drive me insane. Every problem suddenly has some explanation and somehow she always acts like there’s a reason why none of it is her responsibility. What annoys me the most is when she acts like she completely understands stuff she literally makes fun of. Like she laughs at me and J sometimes and then later acts like she gets what people struggle with. She acts like she has social anxiety and anger issues even tho she makes fun of our social anxiety and my problem with going outside and making friends. If she actually had social anxiety she wouldn’t judge me/us for it.

Also the whole “I’m actually super smart but I can’t use it in school” thing. girl please you’re not some secret genius and it shows when I talk to you. Every conversation with her feels like a social experiment and my brain cells are actively disappearing while we talk.

And btw calculating my BMI and yelling through the class that I’m underweight was actually insane behaviour. Like why are you doing announcements about my body. I mean Karma came to your life bc now the “army” didn’t accept you because you’re too thin. And that was your only plan for the future and now you don’t have anything to do after school. Have fun

Also you constantly judge people for having fun. We go out, get drunk, laugh, enjoy ourselves and afterwards you sit there telling us how embarrassing and cringe we were for literally just existing and having a good time. Don’t go with us if we’re so embarrassing. Btw she told us that she gets drunk every weekend and is going crazy then. When we get drunk and go crazy it’s too much?

LT:

He’s luckily not in my class but I still have lessons with him and at first we were actually friends with him too but his opinions just kept getting more and more questionable. Like saying stuff such as women shouldn’t work and should stay home and acting like it’s normal isn’t cool. He hopefully never finds a wife bc she won’t be allowed to work. Then he is being completely unable to explain or defend anything properly.

I’ve argued with him multiple times because half the time he says things with complete confidence while understanding almost nothing about the topic. Then one time I tried explaining to him why certain anti-antifascist stuff (1161) is obviously extremist and instead of having a normal conversation he starts saying edgy stuff like “one day I’m gonna get a gun (kalashnikov) and school shoot and you’ll be my first target” okay edgelord you’re actually just embarrassing for it. Recently I was leaving class and he reached toward his backpack and shouted “Run”. Like okay calm down who do you think you are? The new Eric Harris? Nope you’re actually just cringe and corny.

And honestly the whole thing feels so attention seeking sometimes. Lowkey that part almost makes me feel bad because it feels like negative attention is better than no attention for him. But he doesn’t even try to have a normal convo with anyone so still his fault.

Also saying you want to graduate while handing in empty exams, never studying, always being late, constantly beefing with teachers and looking at horses on eBay is actually crazy and also an unrealistic goal. I mean now you have to switch schools and do something else bc even your parents are embarrassed by you.

And random side notes: the combination of being super homophobic and then acting gay and always making stuff to seem more gay is… something. And btw “god” didn’t kill the dinosaurs so you can drive cars with internal combustion engines.

Atp LF and LT would probably be a perfect couple because they both survive entirely on ragebait and making everyone around them lose patience.

Anyway school’s over and I’m finally free.