UNSENT LETTERS: PART TWO ; THE GIRL IN THE MIRROR.Ā
I know we arenāt really on speaking terms anymore because I left you open faced in the rain nearly three years ago, but I never forgot about you. You were once my only friend, the only thing that made me feel completely safe about where my head was at. In reality I never found myself, I lost myself and thatās why I need you. I needed to just let my thoughts out on a page whether or not it makes me feel secure again. Our last chat if you remember was when I was in love and stupid enough to keep thinking alcohol or abusing drugs, basically wishing I was going to catch a break from my sad ass life. Ā I never knew it would last even this long.. My dad of all people cried when I fell from my graces, he cried. A man that I had never seen shed one tear in my life cried when I fucked up so hard. Do you know how shit that made me feel? He doesnāt talk to me much anymore, my momās gone and the only people I have are parents who pay me to teach their kids tennis. Mishka my mom is the one I miss the most though, how is it possible to miss a woman who quite literally made my life a living hell? Iām figuring that out.
I want to be honest and just say that everything thatās happened to me, hasnāt been easy for me to cope with. Everyone thinks Iām a bitch or ā the town slut ā , you know that? Iāve started to think theyāre right, I havenāt been honest about how I feel about a lot of things and a lot of people for that matter. I canāt help that Iām shy or insecure thatās just who I am, it doesnāt make me an automatic bitch because I donāt like to talk all the time. In the end I donāt want this all to feel like a distant memory or like a dream I had. I want it to feel real, I just want it to go so far that Iām not that memory Iāve almost become in the back of people's minds. Maybe they wanted me gone though, maybe it would be better if Iām on the other side not in the way of everything.Ā Iām just afraid Iāll never be happy with what I have because I donāt really know what I want anymore.
Maybe I just need some sleep to clear my head or maybe I just need to get the hell away, I feel stressed out of my mind. You know how stress makes me feel? I feel like ripping my hair out and screaming at the top of my lungs until they burst. Iām so frustrated, why canāt I change? I thought all this time I was better, but I think denying all of my shitty thoughts that are running through my mind makes all of it worse. The anxiety, the loss of sleep, and all that shitty alcohol that I thought would make me feel better inside. I thought it was behind me, the demons within myself are haunting me again and I have nothing I can do about it. How can I fucking change? What on earth can I do to make all these feelings of not being worth it wash away like the stars when the sun rises in the morning sky. This isnāt a call for help, itās a hope that I can get better again. Ā I canāt talk to anyone about it anymore because I just know they wouldnāt understand, theyād all say the same thing. āSage youāre just overthinking it, youāll be fine in the morning just get some rest.ā What if I go to sleep and never see the light of day again, do you know how fucking scary that feels? Its scarier than any feeling Iāve felt.
I donāt even know if I believe Iām alive anymore, am I just a dream? Am I a fragment of someone's imagination like a character in your favorite novel or movie, just another girl made of paper and pen? Someone who isnāt meant to even feel, but I so damn want to. I want to feel like my world is spinning faster than my head and my heart is pounding more than the faint sound of drums in my ear. Ā I want something that's real.
A person gave me that feeling a few times, he was like nothing I would have ever expected. He made the taste of burning alcohol in the back of my throat feel sweeter, the thousands of cigarette butts on the ground look like a field of gorgeous flowers, and most of all he made me feel real. Whenever I was around him it was like I wasnāt awake. His smile was brighter than an entire room of illuminating light. The way he looks at me is like Iām the only person he sees, I wish he knew he was the only one I saw. It didnāt matter though, not anymore because he doesnāt feel that way about me. He just thinks Iām her friend and if thatās all I can be I donāt care, I want to be around when heās at his worst and stay forever to keep him at his best.
I never liked relationships though, not because I didnāt want one, but because I had never had a good one. I want it with him though, in fact I crave it. When he touches my skin the feeling is like a supernova of colors and ultraviolet rays are blinding me. But you know Iām such a flake though, I always tell people to be honest about their feelings, but I canāt be with him. If he found out I liked him, and could eventually in a short amount of time even love him, Iād be at risk of losing his fire. HIs fair skin and the way he looks at you like youāre his world. The way he laughs when heās so happy and his eyes roll back into his head right before they crinkle at the sides when he closes them. Everytime he touches me I think of that 1975 song when they say I donāt want to be your friend, I wanna kiss your neck. Even if I never build up the courage to tell him what it was I felt, I donāt want it to be over and I know it never really began, but in my heart it's so real. I have to stop thinking about him, itās not good for me, it would never work out and I totally know that and especially now with what Iāve done.. Iām losing this fucking game again.
Heās a glimmer of hope though that I can be happy again, like fully and completely happy about Ā my life. But no matter how hard I try heās always out of my league, like heās not even in the same realm as me. I could look as far ahead of me as my eyes will go and I wouldnāt even see Ā him. I remember my grandpa always telling me, ā Sage, no matter how many coins you toss in the fountain, if itās not meant to happen it won't happen. āĀ I try not to push my luck looking for relationships anymore, I think they should just come to you and hit you straight on like a freight train.
I guess me turning into a star and being truly myself ends up like this, people hating your guts for being something you canāt control, trying to change that and it ends up hurting your insides, or just living and breathing even when you know youāre losing everything. I just want it to end I canāt sit around waiting for it to fucking crumble at the snap of someoneās fingers, I could take matters into my own hands, plan it and itās done. I donāt know how to feel anymore? I just donāt know..
Anyway stay cool princess.
Your better and far more intelligent self,
