I wake up
Today is the first day
That I wonāt call you mine
After all this time
Iām relearning how to be myself without you
Thought I canāt breathe without you
But Iām doing fine
Ā The first time Harry realized you werenāt his anymore, was when he stood at the doorway and he canāt move himself and canāt bring himself to breathe either. Heās anchored down almost, and not even anything as powerful as threatening couldnāt move him that time.
Ā His posture was sloped and his eyes were hazy with tears and he refuses to make a sound, the only thing to be heard was tossing of clothes and shuffling around the room but he couldnāt hear his words because he knows it wouldnāt be heard.
Ā He feels numb to everything but heartbreak.
Ā āY-youāre gonna leave me?ā
Ā The words sounded off pathetic to his ears and he canāt help but clench his hands and unclench them with so much urgency, curling his toes as his mind is all over the place and focused at the same time itās confusing him, not daring to step closet to you whose back is turned to him and he feels his heart flutter when you flinch.
Ā āI donāt want to leave you.ā
Ā Harryās heart slows down and he knows what heās hearing is right, all worry vanishing from his place and heās stumbling over his words, the rolled-up sleeves of what he was wearing on the night-out tight against his arms when he raised them up to comb through his hair frustratedly.
Ā āThen please donāt.ā
Ā Both your sentences collided at the same time and it knocks the breath out of him again, a whimper unconsciously coming out of his lips and the green of his eyes looked absolutely dull even if compared to how the area encasing them was red and irritated and itās barely been half an hour ever since he started crying.
Ā āWhat ā what do you mean? Why are you ā no, no! Donāt pack that!ā
Ā He thought he was gonna be absolutely silent the whole time but he canāt bring himself to be, striding over to snatch the shirt you were about to put as if it would hinder your departure, looking down on it briefly and it pierced right through him.
Ā Was a yellow shirt, but it looked like to him as something heād want to see you wear everyday because it gives him the vibe of happiness every time you did put it on much to his delight and it is happiness but it looked faded and dull and itās not the shirt that didnāt bring him the opposite of sadness; itās who wears it and thatās the one heās supposed to object in being taken away from and not a piece of clothing.
Ā āWhat do you want me to do?ā
Ā His whisper goes through and heās desperate to have some answer even if itās the vaguest because he wants to fix this more than anything.
Ā āWant you to find someone else.ā
Ā Harry would scoff at the idea if it wasnāt for the situation that the only thing leaving his mouth were broken sobs, shaking his head to what youāve said and he doesnāt want to do it nor believe that you would want him to do such a thing but he doesnāt want to be convinced with your eyes that were telling otherwise compared to what he believes.
Ā He simpers and heās looking for any hesitation in your eyes and it breaks him when he canāt find any, hands falling limp on his side and he stutters.
Ā āDonāt want anyone else. Donāt want anything else. Please, love, just stay. Would do everything for you.ā
Ā The sight of him breaking down is enough to put someone to their knees in their attempt to calm him down and it softens you, not as the same way it renders you with the urgency to drop everything youāre doing and hush him until he stops ā it renders you now as a friend as you consider yourself to him these past few weeks of thinking about your decision, and prompts you to wrap your arms around his waist.
Ā It felt weird touching Harry for the first time in weeks, and heās never changed around your grasp, only if were someone thatās the closest to him feels on how tight he grasps you and itās with utter desperation, but it didnāt at the same time.
Ā āYou donāt need to anymore.ā
Until I hear your voice
It haunts me every now and then
Your ghost
It cuts me through every memory and I
Just wanna run away
But my feet are anchored underwater
Ā The second time Harry realizes you werenāt his anymore, was when he was shifting through voicemails to find the one Jeff sworn he sent awhile back.
Ā āShould get a new one.ā
Ā He mumbles to himself when the process isnāt going fast enough, groaning to himself as only three minutes have passed but heās getting tired listening to conversations half-way to know if it was Jeffās, about to call him to prove that he really didnāt send one.
Ā He was about to take a nap in his couch because the lack of doing something and coming down from something exhilarating as writing and recording in the studio made him absolutely knackered, and thereās this voice he hears thatās so fucking familiar and it makes him sit upright.
Ā āHi, Harry! Mācoming over later, sāthat okay? Well ā wait, thatās stupid. You arenāt home.ā
Ā Itās your voice and it snaps him right to his core, looking at the phone and itās the only thing thatās grounding him from not having his heart beat so quickly since itās the one that reminds him you arenāt there.
Ā Ā A beep sounds and it signifies for another message and heās just about to rush over to the landline again to reply that voicemail but heās cut off, with your voice again, and the realization sinks in him faster than heād like it to.
Ā The last words of your voicemail werenāt meant to stab him in the heart in guiltiness, but it was meant to be said to yourself since youāve just realized at that moment that he really wasnāt there at his house ā and that message wasnāt really meant to be sent.
Ā God, he remembers it now. The way youād always complain about your phone at your flat because itās pricey yet itās extremely hard to work out no matter how much you read the instructions included in the box. And he was meant to buy you a new one as a surprise; only that he didnāt get to do it.
Ā āHow was your day, bub? Just got out of work, and my boss ā fuck, this isnāt about me.ā
Ā Harryās sat there in his melancholy and then he realizes on how much heās missed you, and the fact that he was reminded of it using only your voice made him think itās that much worse.
Ā He has a ton of unsaid words on his mind, and if only you were to say that in real-time, heād scold you in a second because how your day went is as important as how his went, and then heās gonna have to coax the little story you have originally prepared for him about how it went when you get too flustered.
Ā Your voice plays for a little more, and thereās a string of voicemails meant for him and they both have the mix of the ones you meant and didnāt mean to send.
Ā And the words are just spilling out of his mouth.
Ā But you canāt hear them now, can you?
Now youāre coming back
Ooh can we make it?
This wreckage that weāre at
Weāre trying to save it
Bruises on our hands
Talking on the phone
Oh, Iām drowning
It hurts to be alone
Oh, weāre going back
I canāt let you go but I need to
Iāll bleed if I have to
Ā The third time Harry realizes you werenāt his anymore, was when he saw you at Nickās party without the slightest idea that youād be there.
Ā āWhere did you buy that white long-sleeved shirt again? Wanna buy one for Sarah.ā
Ā Mitch asks him and it makes him shake his head, raising his hand to dismiss him as he takes a sip of his drink and it confuses his friend momentarily, but he gets what he meant quickly.
Ā āShe could have mine.ā
Ā It warmed his heart that Harry really was ready to give that shirt of his to his girlfriend, but heād rather not have him do that because the last time he gave something of his to someone else, he suddenly regretted it because when he saw those boots that Harry L. bought for him as a gift for the end of the tour, he knew that the shirt he gave to a friend was the one that would be the most suitable for the pair of it.
Ā āWhy are you givinā me that look?ā
Ā He accentuates and he raises his shoulders, giving his friend a look of disbelief and amusement because heās always given that Mitch look in where he just squints and pouts his lips as if he was thinking but in the same time looked like he was dismissing, and itās very confusing.
Ā Harry was about to explain what he thinks of the look his friend is giving him and his eyes roll, lingering around the room to find Sarah to back him up on this one.
Ā And for Godās sake, he freezes again.
Ā The chill heās having extends from the back of his ears to the bottom of his spine and itās goodebumps all over again and the taste of metal in his mouth.
Ā Doesnāt know if heās lucky to have seen you after four months of not doing so, and the wound in his heart was only faint and it took him the majority of those months to have it as that.
Ā And itās square one all over again, both the feelings he felt the first time he saw you and the last.
Ā Harryās feet walked on their own and they donāt coordinate with his heart thatās hammering against his chest painfully fast, and even Mitch doesnāt see it coming because heās suddenly whipping his head around looking for his friend who he swears was just right in front of him a second ago.
Ā His hand is tightened around his glass and the contents of it keep sloshing around the rim of it but never spilling, and it resembled his heart pouring over upon seeing you.
Ā Itās like you never left.
Ā He doesnāt know the difference because youāre just so lovely and looking so bubbly and happy, and he ponders if you still wouldāve if you never left and he never fucked up.
Ā He knows the answer to that but he doesnāt want to know.
Ā Harry raggedly breathes out and it takes you in surprise too, hesitantly yet in the same time eagerly turning to face to whom the warm familiar voice belonged to and he looks dashing if you admit.
Ā Doesnāt know whatās going on in your mind and his eyes are frantic, just taking you in completely and looking on how the corners of your lips are raised and the drink you have the same as his.
Ā Thereās this pull in him that just wants to put you in his grasp, and itās powerful that his mind wasnāt even able to comprehend it when he embraced you.
Ā Nor even comprehend when you embrace him back.
Ā You feel so warm and welcoming and heās happy by that because youāve never changed with that aspect in you, faintly remembering that every friend of his that youāve hugged telling him the same exact thing.
Ā āYouāre really lovely.ā
Ā He whispers against your ear and itās enough to make you chuckle and say a āthank youā back, and he only realizes to let go of you when he feels a pair of eyes on the side of his head, and he doesnāt know either on who it belongs to.
Ā āNever not lovely, yāknow.ā
Ā Harry adds and heās a stuttering mess and heās trying to calm himself down because this is all too much to take.
Ā Your scent that he loves and yearns for is overwhelming him and he wants to get away from it and breathe it in at the same time.
Ā Itās not the same when he sprays your perfum to his pillows all around his house when he got around to buying it for himself when you left, and he realizes that it just makes him sadder yet in the same time a little less empty.
Ā Your touch that he craves is on his back rubbing soothing circles as you offer him a glass of water and he genuinely doesnāt know how to feel.
Ā Harry shakily takes the glass from your lips and he brings it to his lips, eyes hesitantly looking to your warm and concerned ones and it hits him.
Ā Hits him that you changed for the better, and heās the reason you needed to do so.
Ā Heās thinking of you as a friend, as someone who treats him the way you always did when you were more than one, and he doesnāt know if he has to hurt about the treatment yet the lack of the label he wants back.
Ā Harry shakily smiles, and he wants to put his hand on top of yours without thinking of how snug and perfect they wrapped around his.
Iām reciting out
This secret language that we share
Maybe youāll hear my voice from where you are
Iām realigning
All of the stars up in the sky
Disconnecting you and I
āCause Iām alright
Ā Ā The fourth time Harry realizes you werenāt his anymore, was the day after he met you again.
Ā He wakes up without an alarm and without the dread to get up not unless he has a plan for that day, and thatās maybe four out of seven times in a week that he does get up.
Ā His sleep was peaceful, and he had less intervals in between them of just wanting to do something besides resting the past weeks.
Ā His phone was on silent, and heād normally be a bit worried that it is because he thinks for worst case scenarios from time to time, and he isnāt compelled to check it just for the sake of it.
Ā He didnāt even feel the slight hangover he thought he was gonna have last night from about the three drinks he had, and that either says something that heās too used to the alcohol or his immune system has just gotten stronger.
Ā Harry fell asleep to the thought of you.
Ā And his heartbreak was put to the side because the both of you didnāt rehash anything that happened in past and heās thankful because he doesnāt know if he could muster another breakdown right in front of you for the second time that night.
Ā āLove, where dāyou wanna go today?ā
Ā And maybe he woke up too to the thought of you.
Ā Harry isnāt answered and he turns and god he wish he hadnāt because he isnāt faced with what he fell asleep to thinking in his dreams.
Ā You werenāt really there.
Ā You havenāt been there for so long.
Ā His face falls and so does his heart, and heās anxiously biting on his lip in disbelief on how could he have thought that you were actually there with him.
Ā Or even more, the thought in his head that you never really left.
Until you touch my skin
Youāre sounding all of my alarms
Imagining
What itās like to be wrapped back in your arms
Iād run away
But my feet are anchored underwater
Ā The fifth time Harry realizes you werenāt his anymore, was when he was pissed-off his mind drunk, but not that pissed-off his mind drunk kind to not forget you.
Ā He kept mumbling to Mitch whoās worried for him and if only he knew that the half a year he was talking about was today, and that itās been half a year since he lost you.
Ā Heās looking at him warily, and he just decides to remove all the alcohol he could be in reach with and heās talking to Harry as if heās a toddler that heās gonna get him some water, to not leave, and that they would leave right after.
Ā But Mitch doesnāt even remember to take his friendās phone, because he doesnāt know that your number were one of the only five things Harry knows in this state of mind, and one of them was to properly dial it.
Ā āI-I need you right now.ā
Ā He says as soon as he call goes through and heās mumbling to describe his surroundings the second later, and thereās tears pouring down his cheeks all the while.
Ā He really does need you, and thatās why he called.
Ā He needs you in every way he can think of.
Ā Harry needs you back and needs you for himself. And he canāt believe to himself that itās been half a year thatās he been going by without you and the days he went through felt so long and he hates that thinking about on what you can call a sad milestone, it feels fast.
Ā He remembers being in bed all day and being completely a bum to be with. Doesnāt have words poked out of him not unless your name was mentioned.
Ā Heās missed waking up before you, and heād fight anything just to see how your chest rises and falls again while your hand is holding whatever body part thatās closes to you or something youāve gotten a hold of while you sleepily move, and sometimes itās his hair, his arm or his waist.
Ā Missed seeing you sometimes smile in your sleep and being real happy when he sees you do it because it was so rare for him, and heās taken a picture of you doing that and itās compiled to an album of you, both in his phone and in the shelf he has.
Ā āHey, cāmon now, are you okay?ā
Ā Harry barely notices that itās been twenty minutes now and that Mitchās watching him from the bar as he calls the driver and follows his gaze that lands on you.
Ā His hair is being pushed back by you to have a better look at him and heās all messed up.
Ā Thereās this pull again, and not a second later that he has himself engulfed in your embrace he took initiative of starting and there it is again.
Ā Warmth and welcomeness and everything he misses.
Ā He tears up and heās fisting the back of your shirt again as he nuzzles his head to your neck, lip trembling and he doesnāt know how itās only been half a year.
Ā And he may or may not have gotten drunk for this, and maybe has found reasons and excuses just because.
Ā Harry wants to know what itās like to be wrapped around your arms.
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