In My Veins.

Declan Sanders twenty-five It was not the feeling of completeness I so needed, but the feeling of not being empty.

[fuckindeclan]

declan wasn’t even sure how long he’d been gone. having went to the nearest bar, wishing he could do it. take that first drink and let all of his problems wash away. but that wasn’t who he was anymore. so he’s locking the door behind him as he makes his way to their room. somehow knowing that logan would still be up. the fight was stupid, and he didn’t have no reason to get angry but it still hurt that he was being told a year later. “----- hi.” his voice was soft as he climbed into bed, resting his head on logan’s shoulder. “i’m sorry, lo. i shouldn’t have left. i didn’t do anything bad, i’d never go there again.”

[fuckindeclan]

logandicarlo:

“you wanted to talk about it! we’re talking and you’re leaving because of something meaningless.” 

“You don’t get it do you? It doesn’t matter if you think it’s meaningless, it meant something to me because you were supposed to be different.”

[fuckindeclan]

logandicarlo:

“i never messed around with him! It was just a kiss or two. –where are you going to go, declan?”

“A kiss or two, that’s great. Good for you. Doesn’t matter, somewhere that isn’t here.”

[fuckindeclan]

logandicarlo:

“it doesn’t matter! i figured that he would have told you before i did. it’s not a big deal. i love you, not dominic.” 

“Don’t. ---- Just don’t, Logan. We might not have been exclusive, but I wasn’t messing with anyone else except you. I have to go, I can’t be here right now.”

[fuckindeclan]

logandicarlo:

“you’re really going to stay mad over something that happened over a year ago? we weren’t even exclusive back then.”

“We weren’t exclusive, and yet you still never bothered to tell me until now. To you it doesn’t matter, but it does.”

[fuckindeclan]

“Are you going to say anything, or do I have to help you?” Declan questioned, not really understanding what was happening. “You said you wanted to talk, so talk.”

[fuckindeclan]

logandicarlo:

“the colors help create a certain mood but you’re right.” logan smiled as he watched declan hold the picture in his hand. “it’s my favorite of you. your smile is my favorite. i love you”

the moment he heard the three words, declan felt himself freeze. they had been dating close to a year, and hadn’t bothered taking that step. which was fine with him because he knew logan did love him, but hearing it is completely different. he used to think he’d never love logan, that whatever they had was passing, but was proven wrong. they survived new york together, and have been happy ever since moving to italy. glancing over, he could feel his cheeks redden, suddenly feeling shy. “--- i love you too.”

[fuckindeclan]

logandicarlo:

“what color?” logan laid back to relax against the bed a little with declan on top of him. “you can open it. i think you’ll like it.” logan lifted a hand to rest on declan’s arm. “i do know all about your feelings with people. the less, the better. that’s sweet.”

“color never really matters, i mean they all do the same thing.” he never really felt this comfortable talking to someone in such a long time, well apart from dominic. “what can i say, i’m a sweet guy.” he reached for the box, opening it a smile spreading. it was one of the very first photos logan got declan to take while smiling. “i love it.”

[fuckindeclan]

logandicarlo:

“it’s not but now that i know what you really want, i’ll make sure i get one for your birthday.” logan rolled his eyes, moving to take a seat on their bed. “she is happy. it’s a nice feeling. everyone back together again. it sounds more relaxing. being around a lot of people can be stressful.”

“please do.” he laughed, moving to sit next to logan. “do i get to open my gift now or do i have to wait?” he asked, wrapping his legs around logan’s waist. “relaxing is the best thing. plus you know how i feel about being around people. except you, you’re always the exception.”

[fuckindeclan]

logandicarlo:

“i might be a little excited about what i got you.” logan half smiled, moving to place the gifts on the bed. “i did see roy. he’s adjusting but i think he’s happy. dinner sounds nice.”

“--- is it a dildo?” he grinned, trying to hold in his laughter. “that’s good, i’m sure you’re mother is happy to have her family all back together. yeah? i figured it’d be nice to stay in instead of having to go out.”

[fuckindeclan]

logandicarlo:

logan moved further into the bedroom, smiling as he saw his boyfriend’s face. he knew he was lucky but he liked to be reminded sometimes. “i am done with work.”  he shrugged as declan noticed this gifts in his hands. “oh? these? nothing at all.”

“i think you need to work on your poker face, di carlo.” he laughed softly, pressing a chaste kiss against his lips. “did you get to see roy? i bet he’s happy to be back finally. i figured that i could make you dinner tonight, since it is valentine’s day after all.” 

[fuckindeclan]

logandicarlo:

arriving back home after another day of mindless family business, logan moved into the house he shared with declan, carrying the presents he had bought him behind his back. valentine’s day wasn’t really celebrated in europe but logan felt the need to do at least something little. he peeked his head into their bedroom, calling out for his boyfriend. “declan?”

they’d been living in italy for months now, and declan loved everything about it. he hadn’t thought about using since arriving, which was important--- and having logan certainly helped. he was in the bathroom, fixing his hair when he heard logan’s voice enter their bedroom. “please tell me you’re done for the day.” he grinned walking out. “--- what are those?”

[fuckindeclan]

“I haven’t been this sick in years--- I’m gonna die.”

[logandicarlo]

Everything kind of happened quick when the Di Carlos moved out back to Europe. The aftermath of several things had prompted their move and fast. Logan was more than surprised when Declan accepted his offer and even happier that they were living together. He hadn’t been happy since before his father died. Declan was the one person that changed everything. He made him believe in love again and that happiness was possible. “Is that so?” Logan laughed a little, lifting a hand to Declan’s face. “I wouldn’t mind you going insane so long as you can wait another couple of minutes. I don’t want take out again.” Logan nodded, returning the final kiss. “That’s the best thing.” 

[fuckindeclan]

Declan hadn’t planned on moving away, and it took him a few days to agree. He talked with his therapist, and she suggested that it might help. That the suffocating feeling might just go away, especially with Logan being around. Living together was certainly different, but it was a nice change from what he was used too. “Alright, I can wait a couple of minutes.” He laughed softly, moving to sit in his usual spot. “So what are we having?”

[logandicarlo]

Logan was a little unsure how things would be with Declan since the move to Italy. He hoped everything would be better than in New York, away from all the chaos and mess with the families and mob. So far, so good. Logan had moved into the kitchen after taking a quick shower once he was home from his family’s compound, glancing around the kitchen in all of the cabinets until he found something suitable to cook for dinner. This was their new thing. Logan cooking and Declan bantering with him until it was done. It wasn’t perfect, no but it was his life and he loved it. Logan glanced over his shoulder from his spot at the stove when he felt Declan’s arms around his waist. He half smiled, dropping a hand to turn down the temperature on the burner he was using, turning in Declan’s arms to face him. “I honestly have no idea how hot it is. Why don’t you tell me?” 

[fuckindeclan]

In the beginning it was a bit tough, being away from everything he knew but Italy grew on him quickly. Especially with Logan’s family being around all of the time, and they felt like a real family. Unlike back home which was also a nice change. Declan could cook but Logan was the one who usually did everything cooking wise, Declan could still possibly burn a place down. For the first time in a while, he was happy-- and didn’t have to fake it. “Oh it’s extremely hot.” He grinned before kissing him. “So hot I can hardly stand just sitting in my usual spot.” Another kiss. “I might just ya know---” Kiss. “Go insane. Good thing your all mine, huh?” 

[fuckindeclan]

Things had been good for him, a lot better than when he was in the city. He hadn’t had a panic attack in months, and the urge to use again was hardly there. Declan had a lot of people to thank for that, but mainly Logan. He never thought that he’d be that person, the one to fall for someone else. His plan was to just shut everyone out, yet he somehow slipped under the wire. Logan was in the kitchen doing god knows what when Declan found him, wrapping his arms around his waist with a smile. “I don’t think you realize how hot it is to come home to you like this all of the time.”

[sashaprescott]

Only three people? I want to blame someone else. I want someone to blame. I can’t blame a stupid drug dealer for just selling me more and more drugs. I can only blame myself, right? That’s the worst part of it. We’re just going to be known as fuck-ups. Everyone thinks we’ll slip up and then it makes me think that I will. I don’t want that to happen. It was so easy to get addicted the first time, it would be even easier the second time.

[fuckindeclan]

At the end of the day, the drug dealer is doing what they know best. Is it wrong? Yeah, but we all have a role to play in this fucked up world. I blamed my parents for the longest, they were never around so it was easy. Three rehabs later, I realized that it’s my fault. You get a certain amount of years under your belt and no one will think you’re going to slip up. I always find starting to be harder, especially after I’ve been sober for a long period of time. Your mind is clear so you’re hyper aware of what you’re about to do. What you’re about to ruin for the second or fifth time. Stopping has always been easy for me, I just never choose to stop unless my parents come at me with stupid threats. You go to any meetings?