I need to write about it or I won't stop thinking about it even temporarily.
I miss my friends so much.
I fucked up, but I understand I'm not perfect. And thst my Intent was good. But my methods were hasty and sloppy and inadvertently counterproductive.
I still have you two as friends log and chi
That hurt the most. Because I did ignore your advice. That be true. But I didn't do it to hurt anyone or further anyone's agenda. And im not sure if that's what you believe or what.
That's a meme and a real life I fucked my knee up taking the surface cleaner out of the back of Marc's truck at McDonald's for a little of pneumonics later.
It just hurts that I was okay for you to sit there on the side lines. Which was your position.
Then immediately suddenly throw me to the wolves and choose your side and ostricize me from the other.
I don't want my friends to hurt.
I don't want us separated like this.
It hurts so bad because I rather have fucked things up and said I'm sorry and explain myself truthfully than to have sat there and watched my friends hurt eachother constantly.
Trying to be a liason I ended up a spy. And no I wasn't brainwashed by one side or the other. I was panicked and scared to see all of my friends in turmoil over a situation thatI have no real life feel over.
I still do. I'm just hurt because I thought you out of anyone would know that I was the last one to so anything of I'll intent towards my friends. I'm only here to help.
If you can't trust me over some pictures a guy I didn't like sent to me and chi. Well the thing is you sided with him still. That may have been your catalyst for mistrust towards me. And for that I cannot blame you.
But I had honestly forgotten they existed about a week after. I was just more laughing about how chi was scared of his dick.
It was awkward. I didn't even want to be a part of it but suddenly I was. I had just met you shan and I did not want you to just leave the group over some action a fuck head had after being yeeted from the group. I never looked at you different nor did I ever test you differently. And all of this may be null and void because you have a right to know. And to that affect your 100% correct. Hold everyone accountable.
I know your stressed. I was there for you.
Because I legitimately enjoyed you as a human being.
And you think I'm capable of having a hidden agenda to destroy our friend group that is the literal only thing that was keeping me mentally afloat for absolutely no reason.
I cannot fathom it. And I do not care for the hypocrisy.
I love all of you regardless. It hurts seeing the empty group and empty chat and I will hold on to it. I love it. It's all I have.
Every single one of you got off line that day and had someone to break down to in person when you needed to.
You could even expect people to be there.
I say there that morning I woke up.
Trying to figure out what in the hell I did to deserve this.
"oh don't be so self loathing"
Everyone's sad and not communicating. And im scared.
If I'm selfish and spiteful about one thing it's that I'm not a factor just a blame.
Luci I care for you. You did make me mad for a minute. And I apologize for my tone. But I love you husband. And I love his ex best friend and I love you for loving my best friend.
You had your right to be mad at my but no right to accuse me of being the reason.
I was the catalyst for the final conclusion. But I was in no way the reason for the problem.
I know you are protecting your man. But those emotions were for log and I got all of them when I'm the fucking one who's alone.
You raised your voice at me. And then I had no one to talk to about it. I couldn't cry to anyone.
I'm not sure if your this far in Naruto or not yet. But friends who leave friends behind are worse than scum.
I'm appalled at Shannon for just sitting there. If she would have collaborated with me maybe we could have helped somehow.
Maybe that's all wishful thinking.
But I held my tongue. I didn't say a word because I know she doesn't like to be involved with things. And I know she is under alot of stress because I was there to listen about it.
I sometimes suggested things.
But she's one who knows what she knows and is going to do what she's going to do.
Every time I talk to my friends.
It's lonely and I relate. But it's almost rage inducing because they have someone to hold or talk to. But I understand because it's sad for the group.
I miss the friends together.
I want something like it back.
Everything's changing and I'm stuck over thinking and forcing myself to hyper fixated on random bullshit to compensate for the lack of attention to my full emotions because I'm scared and I cannot physically manifest them to myself because of my mental state and the way I work.
I need to talk face to face and break down and hurt and be understood by someone.
I'm fucked up but my heart is good.
I'm glad to talk to chi and log again separately. They don't exist to eachother,separate realms in my eyes from now on.
I'm so tired of being alone.
Why is everyone allowed to pick and choose when they are alone and im here.
Now gimme back the porn on here and we good.
2087
kianamaiart
stormborns
areudirty
dededos
tangentwithtanner
romaincrisis
