I’ve had this blog for so many years. All my diaries are here, buried in the tags, hidden between posts. Sad 15 year old me raging over the world that was so unfair and cruel. She had the right to, after everything she went through and all more horrible things she’d have to go through, she had the right to rage and scream and quit. And then she quit. I quit blogging and writing through my pain cos even that wasn’t a way of coping anymore, my mental health was deteriorating very rapidly, I was self-harming in too many ways. I was planning my suicide every day 4 years ago. Past 3 years I’ve been in therapy I’ve made more progress than I ever thought possible, more change than I’ve ever seen in any psychological thriller or a sci-fi movie.
And now I am proud. I’m no longer hurting myself or those around me, I’m planning each evening in my head instead of my suicide. I’m making dinner, I’m playing with friends, spending time together, having fun and enjoying each other. I’m kissing my best friend and the best partner I could’ve ever wished for, a human who I thought didn’t exist or would take me forty years to find. A man so kind he took care of me when I was at my worst over the past year, when I was feeling worse and struggling to recover from PTSD, every night he would wake me up from my nightmares and hold me safe. I am proud cos I became the healthy, happy person that he knew I could be. He was patient and loving, caring. Even when I was toxic and egoistic, he knew I was working on myself. And I am proud cos I knew I was bad and needed to be better for myself and for him and I am. I’m better, not perfect, but I’m the best that I have ever been.
I’m a girl who had 5 horribly traumatizing surgeries between ages of 5 and 11. I’m a girl born in one abusive neglecting household, dragged to another neglecting abusive household. I survived the constant terror and tiptoeing from bedroom to bathroom. I survived bullying, mockery, bites, shame. I survived incest from the only person who took care of me in every situation, my mother. I survived myself throughout my teenage hood, I survived assault early adulthood. And I am proud to be better than I was. I am happy and alive and joyful to every breathing moment.
The only thing that’s constant is change, it’s inevitable and the moment you embrace it, you can control it. It’s possible to survive and be happy at the same time. But if you want it and you’re willing to put in the work, you can do it too. You can do it, believe it or not, and you can do it on your own. You have all the power in the world to help yourself, through therapy or other means, to be better. You don’t need supportive family, lots of friends or a loving partner to do what you need for you to be better. You just need the will to change and help yourself. I didn’t have any of it. I do now because I worked for it. You can too.
