I think I'm neurodivergent.
For background info, I'm currently diagnosed with bi-polar type 2 and I'm on both a mood stabilizer and an antidepressant.
I've noticed that I show alot of autistic traits, and I fit all the criteria for a diagnosis. And to clear things up, I'm aware that ASD isn't the only disorder that is on the neurodivergent spectrum, I just notice more prominent traits of autism in myself specifically. I struggle with social interactions and understanding what others are thinking. I often get confused with social cues and don't pick up on stuff like when it's my turn to talk, if I'm matching everyone's vibe, if someone is being sarcastic OR if I'm being clear enough when using sarcasm, when and how to make small talk, and when someone tries to end a conversation or I don't belong in a conversation and just introjected myself into it. I often get really self concious because I can't tell if I'm doing ok, especially when people start to get quiet. I'm known to get really anxious when I think I've made others uncomfortable and either frantically apologize for however I might have messed up or completely shut down and isolate myself. It's really stressful because I love people and I want to be more social, I just don't know how to interact with others in a "normal" way. I find it way more akward when I resort to copying others because it's fake and I don't understand what I'm supposed to do. Overall my lack of social skills has really taken a toll on my mental health and it hinders me in my daily life.
I also struggle to do daily tasks like eating, dressing, and doing certain chores. I know alot of my lack of energy is due to my depressive episodes but it often comes down to more than that. For example, I'm feeling great and have alot of energy and I decide to get some work done. Even though I'm hyper, I very easily get stressed out by to much noise, others trying to talk to me and throwing me off task, feeling overwhelmed when working on larger projects (I say projects but I really mean stuff like cleaning a large cluttered area, or anything that takes alot of planning and thinking with no time to prepare myself, though it can also refer to school projects or personal projects). I often get way too overwhelmed and either start crying or snap at people when I feel like they're hindering me, usually both. I also struggle to do chores like dishes because of all the different sensations I experience. I don't like the smell of the dish soap mixing with the smell of food and the texture of the grime of plates and bowls. I especially can't stand how itchy and uncomfortable the dish water is, it makes my skin crawl... I'm sometimes able to avoid this by rinsing off plates individually opposed to filling a sink with water, and avoiding dishes with a significant amount of food residue that can only be manually washed off, but I often still can't wash all the dishes on my own. Instead, I dry and put away dishes. This is just one example but I thought mentioning it specifically would help others understand what triggers me (That didn't make sense at all I'm sorry💔). My sensory issues and easy overstimulation makes it nearly impossible to get daily tasks done and has causes a lot of conflict between me and family members.
Another huge struggle for me is coping with change, this comes in many forms.it can be about a small change in my schedule and plans, being forced to adjust to a new living situation, or fluctuations in how much time I spend with friends and families. I often pester people because I feel like if I don't constantly talk to them they will slowly dissappear from my life. I get very jealous and possessive too. This has spoiled many friendships and relationships since my clingyness is really bad and I struggle to control it.
Finally, I struggle with emotional regulation. I feel emotions alot more intense than most people. I get super excited about my interests and can hyper focus on stuff I'm currently intrigued by which stops me from thinking about anything else. When I have a string opinion I voice it loudly and don't know when to stop. I think the most troubling struggle is that I get upset very easily and I can't let go and calm down right away and end up staying upset for a while after. I work with my therapist on emotional regulation and alot of the other stuff I mentioned I struggle with earlier but I feel like I haven't improved alot on this specifically.
I feel trapped. I know I'm different. I compare my actions to other people actions and I can see a clear difference, I just don't understand why I behave this way when I know it isn't normal. I want to reach out and be more involved with others but I end up just staying in my room because I dont know how to interact with them. I feel so alone. I don't feel in control of my body and mind and I'm so depressed and drained. Am I valid? I of course plan to discuss how I'm feeling with a medical professional since people on the internet aren't the most reliable source but I would still appreciate your input.
(My apologies if this isn't well written, I'm better at speaking out loud)