scenarios Alfred Pennyworth has to be a witness to as a resident of Wayne Manor that the batkids have absolutely no shame in front of whatsoever part 24 (masterpost here)
*Alfred setting dinner down for the kids*
Damian: thank you, Pennyworth. so will Father not be joining us?
Alfred: you father is working late at Wayne Enterprises tonight i’m afraid, he’s asked that Master Dick step in for him as Batman in the likely case that he not make it home in time for patrol.
Dick: if he’s not here then can we play Bat-Quotes?
Duke, instantly: YES. yes, yes, a thousand times yes,
Tim: also agreed, if B isn’t here then we have to.
*all the kids look to Jason expectantly*
Jason: …i shouldn’t have come up with that game.
Alfred, mild: oh dear, this isn’t a dangerous game, i hope? my dishware won’t be in danger?
Dick, snickering: no no, don’t worry Alfie. the game’s only dangerous to Jason.
Damian, smug: yes, meanwhile for us it is, in fact, a completely consequenceless endeavour.
Jason: …i really should not have come up with that game.
the batkids, chanting at Jason: Bat-Quotes, Bat-Quotes, Bat-Quotes, Bat-Quotes-
Jason: i- *wheeze* OK- ALRIGHT, we can play a round or two, oh my god, i hope you’re happy,
Alfred: *warily raises an eyebrow*
Jason, bringing out his phone and sighing theatrically: alright, alright, everybody welcome back to Bat-Quotes; a horrible game that puts my social life in danger on a regular basis. i hate that i came up with it, and i hate that you all like it, but here we are.
Alfred: and what is the nature of this game, if i may ask?
Dick, gleefully: Jason keeps a list of quotes that people associated with our bat-lives have said. he reads them out, we have to guess who it was that said it, and if we- *wheeze* if we get one right—*laughing* Jason tell him what happens if we get one right,
Jason, looking very begrudging: well, as you know, the Red Hood has become a big enough and regular enough ally of the Justice League that i’ve been added to the main JL group chat. so if- *wheeze* *regretfully* if somebody correctly labels the person who says a quote, then i have to say that quote as myself in the official Justice League group chat, with no explanation, and no matter the reaction i can never explain it.
Steph, grinning maniacally: to further explain to you the genius consequences of this game, Alfie, let me tell you the last time we played Bat-Quotes; where Duke got the best slam-dunk i have ever seen on the quote of- *laughs* what was it, Jason?
Jason, looking at his phone: uh- so last time we had the quote ‘i think i would fuck a plant if i had the free time, it’s just that i’ve always had an unnatural fear of stinging nettles stinging the inside of my ass somehow, so i think that i’d be a little bit paranoid about it at first.’
Dick: *wheezes, smacking the table-top*
Tim, also crying: GOD i forgot,
Jason: yeah—Duke came in with the guess of Harley Quinn, which was correct, so i had to- *wheeze* with no context,
Cass, shark-like: and you had a reaction, right?
Jason: yeah, so because of that i had Uncle Clark call me, because he thought that i was speaking in some kind of code to let them know i was in danger. and i had to fucking be like. ‘no i was just sharing my thoughts on the matter’ and he didn’t speak to me directly for like a week.
Duke: *cackles* BEST ACHIEVEMENT OF MY LIFE,
Jason: yeah- you’ll also all be happy to know that Bruce DM’ed me after that to say the simple sentence of ‘do you fucking know how hard i advocated for you to be on this team?’
Dick: *almost falls off his chair* *struggling to breathe* i love this game so much.
Jason, dryly: yeah i’m sure it’s real fuckin’ fun for you guys.
Jason: yeah exactly Alfie, Dear Fucking Lord.
Steph: hush up and play the game with us, coward.
Jason: *sighs* alright, let me- let me pick one.
Jason: alright- fuck. alright. here we go. and- AND LET ME BE CLEAR. you cannot each give your own separate answer, that’s fucking unfair, you can’t have six whole chances of getting it right. you have to choose one.
Damian: just say the quote.
Jason: *sigh* ok, number one. ‘if i tell you that i don’t currently remember which colours you mix to make purple, are you gonna make fun of me?’
the rest of the batkids: *intense focus*
Steph: oh, see that’s a hard one.
Duke: my instinctual reaction is one of the rogues. they spout a lot of shit when they’re beaten half into the ground, you know? all delirious n’ shit?
Cass: sounds like somebody drugged.
Damian: Cain is right, if it’s a rogue then it’s more likely to be Scarecrow high on his own gas.
Tim: no, no, i don’t think it’s a rogue. i wanna say… Steph?
Steph: excuse me?!?! i did not-
Tim, defensive: YOU SAY A LOT OF WEIRD SHIT WHILE DRUNK! we have to be logical about this; Jason objectively spends more time laughing at things we say while hammered than he does sticking around after fights to listen to rogues rambling. and your favourite colour is purple!
Dick: ‘s got a point. this is about being right, Steph. we have to put pride aside.
Steph: i would not say that shit!
Duke: i dunno, one time i watched you google how to boil an egg.
Steph, begrudging: fine, whatever.
Jason: ok, well in that case that’s one of the biggest flops i’ve ever seen, because Tim that was you,
Jason, smugly: you, about seven months back, high on cold medicine, when you were bed bound. and- and you actually said it to Steph, so that’s a double failure really.
Dick: please tell me you have more, that can’t be it.
Jason: i’ll give- ok, i’ll give you two more chances, and then i’m banning this game for the next month at LEAST for my own safety.
Jason: ok, ready? this one’s one of my favourites, actually.
Jason: ‘is it just me, or are Nightwing and Batman kinda gay for each other’.
Steph and Tim: *loud cackles*
Dick, offended: HELLO?!?!
Jason, proudly: come on, what do you think?
Dick: WHAT THE FUCK, THAT’S MY DAD.
Damian, snickering: no, no, this is good. it narrows it down, it proves that the answer is somebody who doesn’t know our identities. it has to be a rogue.
Duke: i dunno if he’d repeat answers so soon but it does sound like something Harley would say, not gonna lie.
Steph, still laughing: you guys are talking like all of us wouldn’t yell this shit from the rooftops just to piss Dick off. i’d pin this on Babs taking the mick over comms.
Tim: no, Damian- *wheeze* Damian has a point. if it were Barbara over comms then she would have said Dick and Bruce, not Nightwing and Batman. i feel like this was said out in public, around other people.
Dick: surely i would remember if one of you had said it.
Tim: i dunno. i’m kinda worried it’s me again.
Damian: *wheeze* it’s all- it’s all just Drake.
Steph: is there a chance it could have been- like, the titans or something? this sounds like a joke Gar would make.
Tim: oh, maybe, that’s genius,
Duke: i don’t know the titans well enough to make that kind of call, so i’ll go with whatever you guys say.
Dick: …*intense squinting at the table*
Dick: …i’m just trying to remember- Selina’s made a few jokes about her third-wheeling us before, and i’m trying to remember if this could have been her.
Tim: i feel like Steph is right, i think it’s more likely to be a titan.
Damian: honestly, the most likely scenario is that it was Jason. is that an option?
*the kids all turn to stare at Jason*
Jason, shrugging: you can use your one guess for me if you want.
Steph, instantly: oh- fuck off, you can’t do that. you have to at least tell us if it’s possible that you’re the original quoter.
Jason, laughing: alright, alright—none of them are me.
Dick: then- ok yeah, i’m with Duke, you guys take this one. i don’t know.
Tim: ok, we’ll say Beast Boy then.
Jason: *incorrect buzzer sound*
Jason: that one was actually Antonio, one of my main subordinates in the alley.
Steph: THAT’S SO CHEATING!
Dick: -SO unfair, how the fuck are we supposed to know the names of your men?!!
Jason: no no, this is fair, and for the record i would have accepted ‘a Red Hood goon’ as a correct answer, i’m not a monster. y’all are thinkin’ about people you know; gotta think about people i know.
Tim: -shut up and give us the final one.
Jason: ok touchy! well this one—this one i think is the worst one for me to put in the chat, so. i’m not really happy about this.
Jason: …’i saw a bird fly into the wing-mirror of the Batmobile, and ever since i’ve just been feeling kind of depressed. is anyone available for a hug?’
Tim: …shit i really want him to say this to the Justice League.
Duke: guys we need to lock in. we need to get this one. who would say this that spends time around the Batmobile?
Steph: and who would actively ask for physical comfort?
Dick, intensely thinking: ….it does kinda sound like me…
Tim: do you remember ever watching a bird fly into the window?!
Dick: no that’s what- i’m trying to think, i can’t remember!
Duke: Dami, do we think it could have been you?
Damian, flat: is that a genuine question.
Duke: no- i know, i know it doesn’t sound like you, but the bird thing tracks. and like- we’ve all been high on pain meds during various points in our lives. we get clingy, it happens!
Damian, shaking his head: if it was me i don’t remember it.
Tim: i don’t think Damian would ask for anybody to hug him. when he gets high he beelines for B, Dick and Jay. he’s specific about it. this is somebody who just likes physical comfort point blank.
Dick, considering: can i suggest… Bruce?
Steph: there is no fucking way we wouldn’t remember that. we’d have the recording. i keep going back to Dick, i feel like it’s him,
Dick: same but i also think i’d remember watching a bird hit the window-!
Damian, leaning back in his seat, tonguing his cheek: hmm.
Cass: Damian, you have an idea?
Jason: i want a final answer.
*silence, all attention on Jason*
Alfred: *takes a sip of wine*
Jason, with feeling: ffffuck.
*instant uproar, batkids celebrating*
Jason: WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME-
Jason: I DON’T WANNA- YOU GUYS DON’T UNDERSTAND-
Dick: DUDE- JASON- WONDER WOMAN IS IN THAT CHAT,
Duke: *falls off his chair*
Jason: I DON’T WANNA DO IT-!
Damian, deadly serious: you have to- i won fair and square, you have to.
Jason: *glances at his phone, pensive*
Tim: *wheezes* that’s such a bad one-!
Jason, dramatically throwing himself down in his seat: I DON’T WANNA DO IT.
Cass: i’ll do it for you if you want-
Jason, snatching his phone away from her: don’t you dare- THIS IS THE WORST FUCKING GAME WE HAVE EVER COME UP WITH!
Damian: you have to do it.
Dick: *wheezes* this is the best day of my life,
Duke, incredibly happy: dude- you know Bruce is gonna see that in the chat, right? he’s gonna be so worried.
Dick, wheezing: and you can never explain-!
Jason, grumpy: god fucking- *angrily typing at phone*
Steph: Dick you’re in the chat too, right? check he actually does it.
Dick, pulling out his phone: he has- *wheeze* word for word, it’s there.
Jason: i’m so mad- Damian you weren’t even there when he said it.
Tim, wiping tears from his eyes: when the fuck did he say it?!
Jason, annoyed: he said it on the Watchtower while Clark was working really late and he was over-tired, and me, him, Kon, and Roy somehow ended up in the rec room with him watching fucking Marley and Me at three in the morning, and i guess he got sad!
Dick: oh my- aw, oh my god, he got a hug, right?
Jason: yeah actually- Kon opened up his arms and Jon walked right past him and into mine, and Roy laughed so hard he had to leave the room.
Steph: god that was- Damian that was SUCH a god-tier move.
Damian, dryly: my best friend, ladies and gentlemen.
Jason: i’m putting my phone on mute, fuck you guys. worst game ever.
Steph, wetly: best game ever.
~forty minutes later, as the kids clean up the kitchen from dinner~
Jason, walking back in from the bathroom: i hope you’re all happy, because i just got a text from Uncle Clark that says ‘i want you to know i’m always here for you if you need a shoulder to lean on’.
Dick: *wheezes, falls into Cass, who has to hold him up* oh my god, Uncle Clark is my favourite person on this fuckin’ planet,
Jason, holding up a finger, reading from his phone: wait for it, because the Flash has responded to me in the actual chat, and he has said, ‘i’m so sorry you’re feeling like that Hood, i know what it’s like.’ to which Diana put, ‘depression is a battle that we all struggle with at some point, it’s brave of you both to speak up.’ and then Barry put, ‘i mean yeah, but i meant i knew what it felt like to run into the Batmobile wing-mirror at full speed’.
the batkids: *burst out laughing*
Jason, bowing begrudgingly: you’re welcome, you all better be fucking satisfied.
Damian, hanging onto Tim for balance: victory tastes so sweet-!
Alfred, from the other end of the kitchen, face flat: i hope you all know that i will be the one that Master Bruce comes to for advice when he thinks his son is depressed.
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