what defines us is how well we rise after falling

A guide to all things funemployment: productivity, life hacks, health, fitness, cooking, book reviews, documentary reviews, travel, mindfulness, expat living.

[funemploymentin]

What I Love About San Mateo

S and I are approaching 9 months living in sunny San Mateo. We have contemplated moving somewhere more affordable, but we've decided to stay awhile. In rejoice of a decision made, I am taking the time to list what makes San Mateo great for us. 

Transportation in General: Not until I wrote this list did I realize how important transportation is to me.

Walkability: Sidewalks and clean air for when you walk outside are so underappreciated. However, I'm from a rural area where there are no sidewalks, and then I lived in India for a while where there is smog and where I once got "bumped" by a car while I on foot. For this I am grateful.

Bikeability: This is a little mixed because Hillsdale Boulevard doesn't have bike lanes. However, for the most part I feel safe biking around San Mateo. The city's partnership with Lime (an app based bike use program) makes cycling possible for me. For this I am grateful.

Caltrain: There are three Caltrain stations in San Mateo (Hillsdale, Hayward, San Mateo). This makes getting to the city really easy. For this I am grateful.

Rideshare: You expect this in a metropolitan area, but you appreciate it if you are from a rural area or somewhere without the service. For this I am grateful.

Enterprise: Prior to moving to San Mateo, I had no experience renting cars. Without any research or backing to my belief, I always considered renting cars to be tossing money in the trash. This still can be true, especially if you have the option to own. However, renting a car at weekend rates only when required has made day trips really affordable. For this I am grateful.

Proximity to the Airport: When I think about a dream living location, there is an international airport within two hours. San Francisco Airport is less than 10 miles from our flat. For this I am grateful.

Parks: S and I take morning and evening walks daily at Los Prados Park. We catch little league soccer and cheer on the Lady Bugs on Saturdays. There is also Central Park with the Japanese and rose gardens, which we make a point of relaxing in whenever we are downtown. Another great outdoor space is just outside WholeFoods; there's a water feature that you can sit by and totally tune out the world around you. For this I am grateful.

Restaurants: We have fallen into our same habit of going to the same places and ordering the same dishes. We like what we like, okay? This means Charm Thai Eatery for crab fried rice and pad kee mao. We've just scratched the surface in exploring restaurants and have so much work to do. For this I am grateful.

Farmer's Market: The farmer's market at San Mateo College isn't the cutesiest market. It takes place in a parking lot at the college, which isn't really central or easy to get to without a car. But, the products are great and it's still a fun experience. For this I am grateful.

Grocery Stores: I thought living next to Marina Market would be awesome, but it's repeatedly shut down by health inspectors and the cleanliness inside reflects why. This aside, San Mateo has Drager's and Whole Foods. These shops are high end but we've built this into our budget because we value quality organic food over owning a car or shopping for clothing and other material goods. For this I am grateful.

Barnes and Noble: It feels great to be surrounded by real books. This is a regular weekend spot for us wild things. We stay for a while, browse our different sections, and flip through magazines while enjoying coffee (S) and chai (me) from the cafe. The only negative here is that S is single-handedly trying to keep this brick and mortar shop in business. Yes, I realize there are way worse things a husband can be splurging on. The real win will be when we make it to the library. For this I am grateful.

Peet's: When I was an undergraduate at UW Madison, Peet's opened in the Memorial Union. Until I moved to San Mateo, I believed Peet's was just another bogus on-campus, university-run coffee shop. Now, I've grown to love and appreciate Peet's. While they're still a corporation, I prefer to support them over Starbucks. What about Phil's and all the other local places? For Phil's I can brew a pot of coffee at home, and I don't need someone to add milk and sugar for me. I'm just not hipster enough to enjoy the experience. For this I am grateful.

Hillsdale Mall: We don't do tons of shopping, but it was nice to have a Nordstrom and a shopping mall in walking distance leading up to our wedding and other events. For this I am grateful.  

Right-Size Houses: I love to the look at the houses when I'm out and about. San Mateo has neighborhoods, but it doesn't feel like urban sprawl with the tiny lots and right-size houses. The million dollar plus price tags for these adorable homes makes feel a mix of nausea and depression. Nevertheless, I like the idea of living on a smaller footprint and still having room for a small garden in a walkable city. For this I am grateful.

Landscape: Something is always in bloom here. It's November and my pepper plants have new fruit budding. My plants are happy on the balcony year round. I watch succulents grow more in one summer on my balcony compared to the same plant's growth over a decade in an Illinois sunroom. It's magical to see something grow so quickly. For this I am grateful.

Weather: The weather is exceedingly moderate here. This means that very little energy is required to keep your home at a comfortable temperature. Of course, when we moved in January, I thought it was going to eventually get hot hot hot come summertime. Not so my friends. It was a moderate summer. And just as I gave up on the feeling of fall, the leaves started changing to that pretty deep burgundy. The seasons are alive! For this I am grateful.

(On a more serious recommendation, do check the weather before you move somewhere. You really do not need tank tops and shorts in San Mateo, and you definitely need a winter coat in Delhi, India. Just putting this out there.)

Travel Potential: The road trip and weekend getaway options for the Bay Area are epic. We've had so many expenses and out-of-town events this year, but this is something I really hope to take more advantage of in the future as our budget and schedule allow. For this I am grateful.

NextDoor: NextDoor is an app for connecting with community. Our balcony table and chairs are compliments of a neighbor on this app. There are so many material goods being offered up for free or very little. People also use it to discuss public issues, gardening woes, lost pets, and more. For this I am grateful.

Nandi Yoga Studio: I saved this for last. There is a difference between practicing yoga at a gym and at a dedicated studio. Yoga in a space specifically for yoga offers a spiritual side that's difficult to recreate in a gymnasium or aerobics classroom. Mostly this is because of the people. Nandi Yoga offers a really special practice that is spiritual and physical. For this I am grateful.

Okay! That's my current round-up of gratitude for San Mateo. Of course, the grass is always greener on the other side of the street or the bay or the country or the world. San Mateo is not perfect. Cue in my major complaints: no form of rent-control, affordability, and distance from family. However, at this moment, I'm choosing to focus on the positive!

Photo: Flowers at Hillsdale Mall taken March 2018.

[funemploymentin]

Rememberance 

This post is about healing and process and repetition.

As the adage goes: “Everything that needs to be said has already been said. But since no one was listening, everything must be said again.” (André Gide, brought to the forefront of my mind by Austin Kleon)

Sometimes we are focused on more pressing lessons. Other times we are simply not in the right place or state of mind to comprehend helpful information. However, we are constantly growing and changing. Every day we have new experiences to inform and give context to incoming information. These life experiences are the backdrop for the understanding and impact that we take from the stories we hear. If you re-read your favorite classic from high school, it can take on a different meaning even just a few years later.

As an Irish man, it was fitting that my father be called home on Saint Patrick’s Day. This particular March 17th was spring like summer. Before my dad crossed over, a flock of birds descended into our backyard. It was a particularly beautiful scene because my dad built the house where he lay. He built it with his own hands and the help of his friends and family. And, he would leave this world in the presence of the family he built it for and the people who helped him build it. When he passed, the birds left with him.

Ever since then my sweet mom has remembered my dad in the birds. To me it was coincidental, but I could understand that it was a comforting story turned visual reminder of the partner she still misses. I was never ready to buy into birds being a special signal or message sent consciously from my dad lounging in heaven. I also had this ongoing hunch that my mom notices birds on special occasions because that is when she looks out for them.

Earlier this summer, I stood in the same place those birds departed more than fifteen years earlier and attempted to thank all who made my wedding celebration with S possible. A flock of birds flew over the tent as I rambled on trying to remember everyone’s contributions, a difficult task because we had so much help. I spoke nothing of my dad. I tell myself now that it would have been too hard and that I hadn’t planned on speaking. The painful and regrettable truth is that I just forgot. Even though the birds flying over went unnoticed by me, the meaning was not lost to others, especially my mom. 

This second anecdote I share is from yoga class. Many yoga classes end in savasana which is also referred to as corpse pose. In the Jivamukti practice, which is a devotional practice, this time is to practice offering your body up to Your Highest. Your Highest is whatever you believe in —Mother Nature, God, Jesus, Love and Understanding, The Ocean, Randomness, etc. Because we will all will have a day when we leave our earthly bodies, this is a chance to practice letting go. Leading up to this final asana, my yoga teacher shared a story of his guru:

The guru had lived a long, happy life. Before he died, the guru dictated a note to place on the door of the meditation room. The message read, “Great news! My teacher has told me that I can leave my body now. More great news! I don’t have to be physically present to continue teaching you. You can remember me as the sky.”

As I sobbed quietly in savasana, it was the first time I could relate to my mom remembering my dad in the birds. The birds ascending with my father’s spirit was only coincidence and symbolism in nature for me. What I failed to pick up on is that you do not have to sacrifice ration for spiritual meaning and connection. This imagery doesn't have to be a miracle signal to be special. We can choose to remember the faithfully departed in things we see every day for the reason that they are every day.  By remembering with the commonplace, these elements become frequent, built-in reminders that our loved ones are with us always.

Writing this out makes tweaking my interpretation of the birds seem too simple a choice in retrospect. Why do the obvious ideas go unnoticed by the people who need them most? And why couldn’t I have had this healing and understanding before my wedding? I would have been able to share in that moment with mom as a believer rather than skeptic. I will attribute the timing of my comprehension to all the heart-opening backbends I did right before that tearful savasana.

My wishes for you today: may you keep listening and may you keep sharing your truth. Without my mom, my teacher, and his teacher sharing their truths, all this meaning and healing would have been lost to me. What I know for sure is that the Universe is always giving us more chances. When we fail to grow or to understand or to act better, we can be certain She will present another opportunity for us to try again.

[funemploymentin]

Offer It Up

I recently embarked on a 40-day yoga journey. After all the family celebrations we had in the first half of the year, I desired a total mind and body reset for this next chapter. Why 40 days? The number has biological and religious significance. I also set a goal of doing 52 yoga classes at the beginning of the year. Jump-starting this goal (albeit midway through the year) with 40 classes in a row feels like a good way to get a chunk of that done. I had taken a few classes at Nandi Yoga in San Mateo with their new student offer at the beginning of the year. My very first class there set the tone for what was to come and allowed me to purchase my monthly pass with confidence. Giselle's Sunday class was (and continues to be) a full house. We introduced ourselves to our neighbors, chanted mantras from a guidebook, meditated on making all our actions (on and off the mat) come from a place of love, and breathed through a deep hatha practice. It felt like everything I wanted from church on Sunday. I also had a total Monica moment when Giselle asked me to demonstrate my failed handstand attempts. Apparently, I was failing correctly- pulling in my core as I kicked from my base leg to reach the other leg that was extended in the air. I am a total sucker for compliments.)

The second class I attended at Nandi (also before this 40-day journey) was Jennifer's restorative class. This class is a true blessing and as the name suggests, a time and a place for healing. So, I have been certain to return for more. Restorative yoga is the most accessible class of all; my mother-in-law proves you don't even need English to follow along. It helps that Jennifer is a yoga teacher who has so evidently found her voice. Like other teachers at Nandi, she'll introduce a simple mantra for you to focus on. Inhale, "I am," and exhale, "here now." If you are very flexible, you might not feel like you are getting a deep stretch or doing any work. However, I know the stillness, the complete relaxation, is where the magic happens. Sometimes if I am feeling rebellious, I drop the mantra and let my mind run wild. The best thoughts and ideas seem to come when entering or exiting a meditative state. My intention was to ease into this 40-day journey with Jennifer's restorative class, but I was late. So, I happened into Jules' vinyasa flow class. It is the last class on the schedule for the day and probably the last scheduled activity of the attendees. It could easily have been a sleepy vibe, but Jules used the best playlist. I cannot tell you what was on it or even the genre (I consistently tune music out like a weirdo), but it provided the right vibe for the class without feeling like a rigid gym workout. It is amazing how the universe provides what you need when you need it, even if you do not know what that is. Jules class was this for me. I felt completely energized when I left. If Giselle's class feels a little like church on Sunday (but only the good parts), Jeremy's Jivamukti Flow is small group worship. I believe it is only smaller in the number of attendees because most people do not have the luxury to attend a yoga class mid-morning, mid-week. This class also starts with chantings, readings, and interpretation. Jeremy talks about nonattachment (not to be confused with detachment) and about finding enlightenment through your relationship with God or Source Energy or the Universe or the Ocean or Acts of Love - whatever The Highest means to you. Jeremy repeats, "Offer it up." This has stuck with me. "This asana is easy? Offer it up." Or, "This is really difficult? Offer it up." Now when I hit a hill while cycling, it becomes an offering. The coast downhill becomes an offering too. Everything you do can become an offering. What feels most powerful during his class is settling into corpse pose to practice letting go of the physical and offering up your body. Wow. Just, wow. Every class at Nandi is designed with intention. It is obvious these teachers put in mindful planning behind the scenes. Wendy will make you work and not even realize how hard until the end of class. What is so eminent about her core flow class is that it transcends into other classes. After you isolate and focus on core strength in yoga, you are more aware of when you can really fire up your belly in other classes. Jenn has a really warm personality and gives great hands-on assists. Victoria offers a steady flow. Dana makes you sweat it all out in a vinyasa class and then offers the sweet release of a yin class held back to back on Saturdays. In Toni's class, we chanted a blessing over a couple moving back to their home country. All really impactful moving experiences. You are encouraged to introduce yourself to others at Nandi, which is something I have adopted into my daily practice. So far I have met Jill who sometimes brings her 26 and 28-year-olds with her; Natalia who has done a teacher training just for personal growth; a bearded man whose name I cannot remember; Grace whose strength was an inspiration to practice besides; Jacqueline from Ireland, and more. Sometimes I am being welcomed to the community and sometimes I am welcoming my new acquaintance to their first class at Nandi or ever. It is really easy: "Hi, I am <insert your name>. I am trying to introduce myself to more people here." No one will turn you down. I regress, but my point is that this makes a more comfortable environment for me and hopefully for the people around me. At most Nandi classes you dedicate your practice to someone. Due to indecisiveness, I ended up dedicating a recent practice to all my female ancestors. I called upon my matriarchy for support and to offer gratitude and praise for all the sacrifices they made which have allowed me to reach yoga and live a life of privilege. The next class I channeled my husband's matriarchy that will be part of my children's ancestry. We are all that came before us. Offer it up. At day 20 of my 40-day journey, I feel, not for a lack of a more inclusive term, good. I feel limber, but my strength is not all there yet. My mind feels more clear and my heart is full. I hope to write the world again with updates before the end of this trip.

[funemploymentin]

Manifesting a Dream Starter Cottage: Part I

I am so grateful for this dream starter cottage which is coming to us, so I have decided to make this a series of posts documenting the process by which it reaches. To help the universe know what is desired, I have been sketching our cottage in Ikea Home Planner and more recently in Revit. A few thoughts at the forefront of my design thinking are:

The home should be affordable. We should comfortably afford this cottage, and still have funds for retirement saving, gifts, and personal enrichment (i.e. travel, continuing education, etc).

The home should be relatively easy to build. The goal is to use this home sooner than later. With a simple, elegant design, I believe we can save time and money in the planning, permitting, and construction processes.

The home should be eco-friendly. What does this mean? Sustainable living means something different to everyone. Figuring out what green means to me continues to be a journey, but I want it to be top of mind when building this house.

The home should be located near family. I am targeting a cheap lot with neighborhood association lake access in Wisconsin. This is a lake community where I spent most of my childhood summers. My relatives are still present here, and it is close to my mom and siblings who live on the other side of the Illinois / Wisconsin border. 

It should be low maintenance. We do not want all our free time there spent on home and landscape maintenance.

The home should have room to grow. In a worse case financial scenario, we should be able to make this house work for our family. Our intention is not to add on or build up into the attic, but these should be options in case we truly outgrow the space.

This starter cottage will feature two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a kitchen, a family room, an entry closet, a den, a dining room, and a laundry closet. Below are specific design details that I don't want to forget about for this home. Please keep in mind that I believe our eventual right size cottage to spend time along with in-laws, kids, and a dog (eventually) will be slightly larger than what I write about here. It will also be lakefront property. I will manifest that home too, but not now.

Interior

The house will be roughly 1000 square feet. However, the ceilings will be 12 feet tall to make the space airy.

The ceilings will be constructed of wood plank. 

The living, dining, bedrooms, and den will all have bamboo floors. I believe these to be a greener option, and they will reduce allergens in the home.

The kitchen, bathrooms, and laundry closet will have heated porcelain floors.

The guest bathroom will be handicap accessible. 

Water faucets will be attached directly to a tiled wall in at least one of the two bathrooms for design and to save counter space. 

No fireplace is necessary for this house.

No bathtub is necessary for this house. I don't love taking baths, and they also aren't energy efficient. If there are kids in the house, we will figure out how to get them lathered and clean.

The bedrooms will feature space-saving wardrobe closets.

The bedroom doors will be solid wood. Ideally, they will be refurbished from an older building. 

The front and side kitchen doors will not require screens.

The rear french doors will require a pull-down screen.

The dining and kitchen spaces will be separated by a pocket door.

The kitchen will be a galley kitchen with a window of walls above the sink. I prefer not to walk around an island to get to the refrigerator or the sink. Lower cabinets and high upper cabinets offer plenty of storage. They also require you to squat and reach and move your body, which I like to do.

The water heater will be on demand, and the whole house will be on a reverse osmosis system.

One attic window will be big enough for building materials and large furniture to fit if necessary.

Access to the attic will be available via a pull-down staircase in the back hallway.

The attic ceiling will be insulated rather than the floor so that the attic space can be used for storage and keeping plants in the winter.

The attic will feature interior and exterior fans to allow for proper air circulation.

The hood above the kitchen stove will vent to the exterior. 

Exterior

The foundation will be raised to prevent flooding and allow for the design element of a brick skirt.

The walls will be constructed with 2x6 plywood to allow for thicker insulation.

The siding will be vertical fiber cement Hardie plank siding, with accents of shingle siding. 

The roof will be a simple gable roof of a metal material, and the trusses will allow for an attic room if required in the future. 

The roof will overhang by two feet to protect windows and doors. 

An eyebrow roof will be built over the side door.

A gable awning will be built over the front door.

There will be no gutters to clean unless a qualified person informs that this is necessary. If there are gutters, we will add rain barrels. 

Solar panels will be installed depending on light exposure.

There will be a detached single car garage, that is 1.75 cars deep. This garage will have concrete with a stained finish and be heated and air-conditioned. The back portion will be partitioned and offer lots of natural light for S's office. Ceilings will be ten feet tall. 

The garage will also feature a doggie door.

The driveway will be only one car deep. It will be a brick, ribbon driveway.

The back deck will be small and covered for easier maintenance. 

There will be an option to add a lower maintenance patio in the future. 

A gas grill hookup will be available on the deck located off the kitchen.

The side kitchen door will have a ramp for accessible entry.

Two waterspouts for hoses will be located on the exterior.

The side and back yards will be lined with cedar fence posts and metal fencing with climbing evergreen plants. This fence will get taller towards the back of the lot to create a garden oasis.

There will be no front porch because the lot is small, and the neighborhood doesn't offer much for looks yet.

Electrical and Lighting

The bedrooms, living space, den, and kitchen entry will all have ceiling fans without lights.

One bedroom will have wall sconces as lights above the night tables to save space. 

The living room and kitchen will have recessed lighting.

The dining room will have a chandelier.

The kitchen will have farmhouse lights above the windows overhanging the sink and countertop.

The exterior of the house and garage will feature lanterns or farmhouse lighting on either side of each entry.

Exterior outlets will be available in strategic locations.

We will consider up-lighting and other backyard lighting solutions.

An outlet will be available in the laundry room upper cabinet for the vacuum charger.

The lighting should not feature any blue lighting that will mess with anyone's circadian rhythms. 

[funemploymentin]

A Right Size Home in Spring Grove, Illinois

Set upon three lots, this spacious 4 bed/ 3 bath, 2,900 square foot custom built home is your hideaway with views. Enjoy an open floor plan featuring updated bathrooms, a classic stone fireplace, and two levels of wrap-around patios. Enjoy real hardwood floors and open concept living on the main level. The walkout basement adds naturally insulated living space. Feel great enrolling your kids at top-rated Spring Grove Grade Schools and Richmond Burton High School. Close proximity to Fox Lake Metra train station, Wilmot Mountain Ski Resort, Twin Lakes and Chain of Lakes recreation areas, the State Park, and more. Relatively lower taxes.

Assisting in the sale of this home was almost my first post-wedding project this summer. However, my step dad's renters are not sure of their plans and he has no need to rush a sale, so a month to month lease makes sense for both parties. Nevertheless, I had so much fun playing real estate agent that at one point I hold sold myself the property and was trying to convince S that we should buy it. Ideating what projects I would take on as a homeowner or as a flipper was like living a dream job.

I will be grateful for this home’s potential to be realized, and more grateful for it to provide space for a new family to grow in love and togetherness.  Here I share my favorite qualities of the property and send my renovation ideas into the universe to manifest. 

Here’s why I am excited about this eco-friendly hillside ranch: 

1) I know that it has been cared for. My step-dad purchased the home from the original owners. Although the home isn’t completely updated, it has been meticulously maintained. The renovations required are all cosmetic. No tearing out walls or revamping systems is required.

2) The size is right. I view this house as a ranch with a walk-out basement, so the actual square footage of primary living space seems more manageable. The lower level offers a sunny bonus room with a fireplace and sliding door to the exterior, a guest master bedroom and bathroom, laundry, and access to the garage. 

3) The lower level has the potential to be handicap accessible.

4) The kitchen can be renovated without major plumbing or electrical work. Keeping the stove and refrigerator in place makes for an easier kitchen update. Replace cabinets alongside the stove and remove the peninsula. Add a large island with the kitchen sink and dishwasher parallel to the refrigerator and stove. The over-sized island will offer lower cabinet drawer storage and an overhang for bar stools. Replace the existing tile with hardwood to match the dining and living spaces. Moving the plumbing to the island can happen when the floors are torn up. Replace the pantry door with a salvaged door with frosted glass for charm. Add two oversized chairs on either side of a small table to create a bright, comfy kitchen. 

5) The house has a healthy life-style built-in. The dining and living spaces have so much natural light for Vitamin D. The lower level garage entry forces basic stair climbing daily. The future screened in porch offers fresh air without the annoyance of mosquitos. And, pathways can be cleared on the adjoining wooded parcels for daily walks. Smaller living space means lower taxes, less cleaning, and more time and money for other things.

6) The location offers connectivity to the city and to nature. Spring Grove also offers great schools. Plus, you can keep up to 6 chickens with a city permit at an annual cost of $10.

Exterior updates:

New front door

Re-do front of house landscape

Remove wooden square dividers in all windows

Re-stain decks

Main floor updates:

Clean fireplace

Paint all trim white in interior living space

Install new kitchen (appliances, cabinets, countertops, backsplash)

Replace tile kitchen flooring with matching hardwood (material already purchased)

Replace the pantry door with a salvaged wooden door

Replace the folding closet doors in all three main level bedrooms

Replace the carpet in the master bedroom to match hardwood in other bedrooms

Re-surface bathroom cabinets with paint in the main floor bathroom

Replace countertops in both main floor bathrooms

Frame out the mirror in both main floor bathrooms

Update paint throughout

Replace light fixtures

Lower-level updates:

Replace basement flooring with plank tile throughout

Add a projector in the living space

Move laundry from the bathroom to the utility room

Remove a door to create a single entrance to the bathroom

Replace the shower with a larger, handicap accessible shower

Replace the bathroom mirror with two round mirrors

Re-surface bathroom cabinets with paint, or replace altogether

Replace bathroom countertop and sinks

Replace doors to the bedroom with ones without glass

Replace the bedroom bifold closet doors

Update paint throughout

Garage updates:

Add a built-in mudroom landing space with cubbies and hooks

Add a ramp for handicap accessibility

Updates as a homeowner, with no expectation of a return on investment:

Raise the front door so that the stairs to the main level are on the exterior.

Add a small front porch with a gable awning

Update exterior colors

Fence in the yard with cedar posts and metal fencing with climbing evergreens

Add a long and narrow, heated infinity pool off the lower level patio

Reduce the size of the upper-level deck

Add a doggie door to the garage

Photos

Replace tile with matching hardwood for consistent flooring on the main level.

These drawings are only rough estimations of dimensions; door and window sizes and placements are approximate.

Replace the peninsula with an island.

An even larger island with the sink and dishwasher parallel to the stove with the barstools opposite the sink is recommended.

Paint all trim in the living space for consistency. 

Remove the interior wood squares from windows for a cleaner look.

Move the dining in place of the pictured office setup. 

Clean the fireplace.

Install tile plank flooring throughout lower level.

Add a screened in porch off the back of the house. 

Raise and replace the front door.

[funemploymentin]

A Real Life Wedding Registry

Hello! Here today to talk about how I put together my wedding registry. My goal was mindfulness across several factors, which meant spending more than average time deciding what to include. I knew I wanted a universal registry with a clean look so that I could have limitless merchants. I chose Thankful Registry which is a flat fee registry that never expires. What items you select for your registry depends on your style, situation, and values. So, what make sense for one couple won't necessarily make sense for another couple. This registry was also all me and not we designed to be used only for my wedding shower, which was definitely a factor too!

Here is background on me and the life experiences that shaped what I chose:

My fiance and I are not home owners yet, and I have moved a lot, a lot. So, I was looking for items that are more portable. Because I have moved a lot, I have realized that I prefer to have fewer, more quality items in my life.

I value experiences over collections and material items, to an extent. I would much rather have items that fuel a hobby than have a collection of candles or have technology that will quickly be outdated.

My family is traditional, so people like to give things that you can open at a traditional wedding shower.

I wanted to keep the environment in mind. I would rather invest in a high quality item than have a low quality item that will wear out quickly and end up in the trash. On the same note, we want to buy food in bulk and store in containers, adopt a paper free kitchen, and go without steak knives because we rarely eat steak.

My fiance and I set up an apartment when we moved to California six months before our wedding, so we already had most of the basics.

Here is the checklist I ran through before committing to an item:

Practicality: Is this something that we will actually use?

Portability: Is this an item that will be worth moving around with us?

Longevity: Is this an item that will last a long time?

Lifestyle: Does this help or hurt the lifestyle we want to live?

Affordability: Are there different price points in my registry?

Protip: If you have items you've recently purchased, you can add them to your registry and mark it as fulfilled. This lets rogue shoppers know what you already have and also gives more information to your guests about your style and values. For example, I already had a guest book printed with our engagement photos in it before my wedding shower. I wanted to make sure I did not end up with two, so I added it to the registry and marked it as fulfilled.

Without further ado, here is my wedding registry selection (links pending):

For Kitchen and Dining

Linen napkins from The Little Market Kilner Round Storage Jar 2.1 qt. from The Container Store Kilner Round Glass Jars 3.2 qt from The Container Store Spice Jars w/ White Ceramic Lids from The Container Store Measuring Spoon Set from Kohl's 5 Piece Measuring Cup Set from Kohl's Chicago Cutlery Walnut 3 Piece Set from ShopWorldKitchen.com Chicago Cutlery Bread Knife from ShopWorldKitchen.com Chicago Cutlery Walnut Sharpening Steel from ShopWorldKitchen.com Chicago Cutlery Beechwood Vegetable Set from ShopWorldKitchen.com Chicago Cutlery Scissors from ShopWorldKitchen.com Cake Stand Milk 10" from Fishs EddyCake Dome Cover 10" from Fishs Eddy Small Ivory Farmhouse Canister from Pier1Medium Ivory Farmhouse Canister from Pier1Large Ivory Farmhouse Canister from Pier1 Charcoal Element Soup Bowl, Set of 4 from World Market Charcoal Element Plates, Set of 4 from World Market Charcoal Element Salad Bowls, Set of 4 from World Market Charcoal Element Mugs, Set of 4 from World Market Charcoal Element Salad Plates, Set of 4 from World Market Ceramic Measuring Cups from World Market Blue Shibori Print Measuring Spoons from World Market Retro Copper Magnetic Timer from World MarketWhite Textured Ceramic Canister Set from World Market Ceramic Egg Crate from World Market Orange Diamond Pot Holder from Target Orange Diamond Oven Mitt from TargetStainless Steel Slotted Spoon from Target Stainless Steel Pie Server from Target Stainless Steel Colander 3 Qt. from Target Stainless Steel Pasta Spoon from Target Stainless Steel Skimmer from Target Stainless Steel Ladle from Target Stainless Steel Basting Spoon from Target Stainless Steel Large Turner from Target Spoonula Light Silver from Target Vegetable Peeler Light Silver from TargetJute Braid Charger from Target Open Kitchen Oven to Table Baker - Large from Williams Sonoma Open Kitchen Oven to Table Baker - Medium from Williams Sonoma Open Kitchen Oven to Table Baker - Small from Williams SonomaApilco Quiche Dish from Williams SonomaOlive Embossed Stoneware from Williams SonomaLe Creuset Signature Cast-Iron 3 1/2 Qt. from Williams SonomaAll Clad Stainless Steel Paddle Grater from Williams Sonoma Minimalist Baker's Everyday Cooking from Amazon Pyrex 3-Piece Glass Measuring Cup Set from Amazon KitchenAid KHM7210CU 7-Speed from Amazon Seville 3-Tier Bamboo Spice Drawer Tray from Amazon Hario V60 Ceramic Coffee Dripper, Size 02 from Amazon Vegan Wax Wrap from Amazon Walnut In-Drawer Knife Organizer from Amazon

For Bedroom, Organization, Decor

Sea Grass Foldable Basket 15" from EtsySea Grass Foldable Basket 12.6" from Etsy Raised Marker 13" Wall Clock White/Brass from TargetOutdoor Rug- Oatmeal Basketweave 5x7 from Target Brass Geo Prism Tabletop Clock from World Market Gaylord Archival Wedding Dress Box from Amazon Honeywell Fire & Waterproof Safe Chest from AmazonUltra Luxury Bamboo Memory Foam Pillow from Amazon Bamboo Pillow Protector from Amazon Flat Sheet, Queen, Ivory from Boll and BranchFitted Sheet, Queen, Ivory from Boll and BranchHemmed Pillow Case, Standard, Ivory from Boll and Branch Umbra Round Khaki Crunch Can from The Container StoreNarrow Open Linen Drawer Organizer from The Container Store Linen Purse Storage Bin from The Container Store3 Section Linen Drawer Organizer from The Container Store White Wire Basket with Wooden Handles from The Container Store Navy Oskar Storage Box with Lid from The Container Store

For Hobbies

DSLR Camera - Gift Card Contribution from Amazon MSR PocketRocket 2 Stove from REI Jetboil MicroMo Cooking System from REI Jetboil FluxRing Cooking Pot 1.5 Liter from REI Humangear GoBites Uno Spork from REI Nite Ize Moonlit LED Micro Lantern from REI Jetboil Fry Pan from REI Therm-a-Rest Z Lite Sol Sleeping Pad from REI Humangear GoBites Uno Spork from REI DIY Furniture Projects - Gift Card Contribution from Home Depot Miter Saw from Home Depot Brad Nailer from Home Depot Drill/ Driver Kit from Home Depot Jig K5 Pocket Hole System from Home Depot Wedding Album - Gift Card Contribution from Artifact UprisingGuest Book - Gift Card Contribution from Artifact Uprising

[funemploymentin]

My Maid of Honor Speech

Margaret and James, May 5, 2018

(To audience)

Good morning. It's wonderful to have you all here celebrating.

We’re especially thankful to those who journeyed from out of state to be here including: Jim’s friends, D in from Aspen, J in from Dallas, K and J in from California; my mom's god-daughter, my cousin A who is taking time off from her travels; my mom’s godson, my cousin H who is in from Colorado; and my mom’s brother, my Uncle P in from Atlanta.

For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Mary Kate, and I have been Margaret’s daughter for my entire life.

It’s difficult to put into words how much this woman means to me and how happy I am that she is now lucky in love twice, but I am going to try anyway.*

(To Mom)

Mom, I will never know or comprehend how many lives you have touched through your work as a social worker, or even as a friend and neighbor.

But, I have been a witness of your steadfast belief and actions demonstrating that charity begins at home, through your service providing respite and care for your own parents and of course through your dedication to us children.

You see, from the beginning, our dad used to say that you were raising rich kids on a poor man’s salary. Boy, was he right. You sacrificed and stretched yourself financially to make sure that we always had the best programming, toys, and experiences.

Of course, we don’t have memories of a trampoline in our backyard because it was too dangerous, and Grace will never remember seeing the Broadway performance of the Lion King because she slept through it. But otherwise, we have a well-documented childhood and a crawl space full of toys as evidence.

Even more important than your monetary investments was your time. As a scout leader for all three of us, you made sure that we developed rock-solid values, a repertoire of knots, our own unique leadership styles, and survival skills not just for the outdoors but for whatever environment or challenges we would face.

And were we tested. But, you navigated us through our dad’s sickness and death with humility in the ways of the of the universe and with some humor to lighten our hearts. As we grieved together, you continued to provide for us, while replacing almost every single appliance in our house that first year and also while taking care of business in your own fight against cancer.

But even in the face of loss and life’s adversities, your faith in God has given you the strength not only to go on, but to love life without bitterness and instill in us a gratitude for every day that we have together.*

It would have been easy to get caught up in the struggle to balance our family’s time, but you made sure that we continued having a relationship with the McLaughlins too. We are so grateful you prioritized this because we McLaughlins are a pretty fun group.

Through this and many other examples, you’ve shown us that as an adult our best friends become more like family, and our family becomes more like best friends. Even for someone as meticulous and categorical as me, this blurring of lines is truly beautiful.

There’s a quote from Lincoln I always come back to because I believe it to be the simplest distillation of the truth. Lincoln said, “All that I am or hope to be, I owe to my mother.”*

Thank you for the honor of being your daughter and friend, and now for the honor of being your bridesmaid.

(To Jim)

Now, Jim. When my mom first started riding bikes with you, she was like a teenage girl who didn’t quite know how to balance her time with friends and a boyfriend. I thought I was flying in from India for two weeks of dedicated family time. Happy as I was that my mom met you, I was not prepared to share her. And I definitely wasn’t thrilled to learn that during your courtship, my accident prone mother had been riding on the back of a motorcycle.

But then I got to know you. And, as you yourself might have discovered over the years, you are a very likable guy. I could also see you bringing out a youthfullness and excitement for life in our mom. I would have had to put on a really good act if I was going to pretend that having you around wasn’t good for her and in turn for our family.

Luckily I am not that great an actress and it was easy enough to get to know you. Out of necessity, we co-founded a moving company. And over the last two years, we have done decades worth of tree trimming. We have taken on too many DIY projects to count. And you don't get mad when my role starts and also ends with me picking out the tile. You are a team player for all family festivities making sure everything goes smoothly for gatherings big or small.  

On most Fridays you play golf weather permitting or not. And while you love the sport, it is obvious that you show up in the cold and rain because you value the time with your friends like family.

Jim, you show your love through shared time and assistance in all our endeavors. Thank you for being a friend to us first.

(To audience)

Today, our mom and Jim have become partners in every sense of the word. Jim also knows grief and loss too well, but that’s not why they make a great couple. Yes, they may share an acute awareness for the brevity of life, but it is what they do with this that makes them compatible. First, their shared gratitude for each day makes them kinder and more compassionate people. And second, they live like kids. They still ride bicycles together. They eat well and sometimes drink better. And they aren’t afraid to travel somewhere new or try something different. They support each other through everything.

Not only do they live like kids, but they also live with us kids. Our mom and Jim have had the privilege to be roomies with all three of us adult children, and K, and even S for a while. While my mom is a pretty good roommate, Jim is a great roommate. He has coffee and breakfast ready for everyone in the morning; he lets you borrow his car; and he puts up with Grace and I lecturing about veganism, or how not all calories are the same, or about whichever documentary or podcast we’ve consumed most recently. He tolerates all of us girls “temporarily storing” things in the middle of the walkway.

Above all, Jim has provided security and companionship for our mom, and we kids are able to venture out (and back home too) because of him.

(To Jim)

Jim, we had settled into our new normal and really weren’t expecting you. But the great thing about having a loose definition of family is that there is always room for one more. Maybe I should, but I don’t feel too old to gain a step-dad in this marriage. We will share a dance at my wedding and you will be Grandpa to my children. Of course, you weren’t my first choice for these, but you make hell of an option B for our family. I hope we are the same for you. So, just in case you haven't already felt a part of the gang supporting us through countless moves, trips to the airport, vacations, and the planning of three weddings, welcome to the family.

(To Mom and Jim)

I am so excited for this next chapter you will share together. I wish you travel and adventure, good health and prosperity, many grandchildren, and a long and happy life together.

In closing, “Love is not a matter of counting the years, it is making the years count.”*

References

Austin Kleon reminds us that great artists show their work and share their sources. Thank you to:

My maternal Great Uncle Joe for, “lucky in love twice.” He used this phrase during an informal speech delivered to the family at his final birthday celebration in 2016.

Abraham Lincoln for, “All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.”

Stephen Colbert for, "But her love for her family and her faith in God, somehow gave her the strength not only to go on but to love life without bitterness. And to instill in all of us a gratitude for every day we have together." This was spoken on The Colbert Report, in a live, on-air tribute to his mother in June 2013.

Michelle St. Amand for, “Love is not a matter of counting the years, but making the years count.”

[funemploymentin]

Moving to California: One Month Update

Growing up, I never considered that I would one day live in California. To me, California was Hollywood, hard drugs, pool parties, tech, wineries, and weed farms. My perception has been based completely on what I have seen on Weeds, Californication, The O.C., and more recently Silicon Valley. So far, California seems to be all these things, and more. Here I share my first impressions based on one month living in California.   

We landed in the small-ish city of San Mateo, so I have yet to experience the hard drugs and pool parties. S and I can walk to all essential places (i.e. coffee, groceries, and S’s office) from our flat. For everything else and venturing outside city limits, there is Uber or the occasional weekend rental. I suspect we will encounter the dirty needles and human feces littering the streets of SF when we finally make it to the city this weekend.

What I have noticed the most about where we live is that I am not the majority. There are students from abroad, immigrant professionals, and first generation Americans still closely connected to their roots, but not many white girls, especially from the Midwest. One exception, is my new gynecologist. She’s a proud UW-Madison alumna from a small town in Iowa. There is also Morgan who works at the car rental place, but I actually have no idea where she is from. But I notice more when someone is similar to me in this way because it feels rare. To give more context, S asked if I plan to wear a saree the next time we go to Ikea.   

The cost of living is high enough to make almost anyone cringe. We knew this coming in. I used to think people were mad when they commented online that HelloFresh, Plated, GreenChef, etc. were saving them money compared to ordering-in. Now I know where those people live. Rental prices for apartments in our area have increased by $500 per month since we moved into our flat just a couple weeks ago. We will think of the obnoxious boiler room noise below us as white noise because we cannot afford to go anywhere anytime soon.   

What amazes me is that there are normal people here, working normal jobs. I have absolutely no idea how anyone affords to be here long term. People with regular jobs in retail, service, banking, etc. must have lengthy commutes and extremely tight budgets. It isn’t even a dichotomy because the average worker in the tech industry isn’t living large. I know from experience that the Goodwill stores are picked through and items in the “free” section on Craigslist go fast. 

We won’t be parents or homebuyers anytime soon, so what I am most excited about is spending time outdoors. We took a drive on Highway One and saw the Pacific for the first time. It’s sunny here and we’re going to enjoy the moderate weather. S is excited and energized by his job, but he still makes it home by 5:30 most days. We aren't very social people, but he is ready for our quiet fun on weekends. I wish this kind of passion and balance with work for everyone, including myself.   

On Monday, the ER doctor reminded us that we are still very much newly weds. (S sliced his hand open in the kitchen.) My point is that as we are figuring out a new city/state/country, we are also navigating how to be married. I didn’t notice much difference in our relationship after our court marriage. However, something about moving across the world and trying to plan weddings remotely makes the waters a little rougher. It is not smooth sailing, people!   

What I miss the most no matter where I am is the people. I went out to breakfast with my mom and sister the other day via Facetime. (The waitress kept glaring at me, so I didn't tip her for my coffee.) I chat with my cousin on WhatsApp while she is on a bus in Southern Mexico, I video call on Signal with my in-laws, and I keep in touch with my closest gal pals on Hangouts. It would be better to spend time in person, but you can't be with everyone you love all the time. We will be positive about having people in so many places because it means more cities we must visit. 

I know from experience that it will take time to build a life here. I’ve started by applying for communications and EA roles for the obvious financial benefits but also to facilitate making friends. It will take networking and effort to land the right role. We will figure out the best restaurants to order from and the best dishes in our city. (There is a 4.5 star Indian restaurant with 900 reviews on Yelp, but the chicken tikka masala is too sweet for S. It’s obviously no Khaaja Chowk.) We will eventually agree on and purchase a car to stop paying $15 to go three miles via Uber. And, our wedding will be fun no matter what we spend because life is what you make it. So, we’re minutes from Silicon Valley and all their apps and websites are only solving some of our issues. We're having fun and making it work anyways. 

Photo Credit: S  

[funemploymentin]

Over 80 MPH in VA is a Criminal Offense

From the title, you can infer that I received a speeding ticket for over 80 in Virginia. In this lovely state, any moving violation over 80 mph is charged as a criminal offense; it is at the same level as a DUI. The maximum penalty includes a $2,500 fine and up to one year of jail time. From what I have read online, there have been several attempts to reduce these penalties, but there are financial and political benefits that have kept them current.

Letters from Virginia lawyers soliciting my business reached home (Illinois at the time) almost before I did. These firms specialize in representing out-of-state residents facing criminal charges for speeding in Virginia at a cost of no less than $1000. With the threat of jail time, I can understand why some people bite, especially if they have a less than perfect driving record.

These lawyers clearly did not know this specific audience because there was no way I would pay for this. First of all, I haven’t had any speeding tickets since high school (mostly because I haven’t been driving that much). Second, I recently navigated the Special Marriage Act in India as well as the U.S. immigration process with no legal counsel, so I was feeling empowered. Third, I am currently without a vehicle and have no immediate plans for one; therefore I have no concern regarding a rise in my insurance rates.

After speaking with one law firm, I decided to write a letter to the judge. I felt confident because the officer had kindly recommended this option. I am not here to share legal advice on whether or not to hire a lawyer for speeding tickets in Virginia. The point of this post is just to warn you about this special law and to share my letter to the judge in case you ever find yourself needing to write a similar letter. Without further ado, here is a sample letter to the judge:

<Insert Your Address>

January 23, 2018

Alleghany County Combined Court

P.0. Box 139

266 West Main St.

Covington, VA 24426-0139

Dear Honorable Judge Moore,

I'm writing in regards to Case Number <Insert Case Number> with misdemeanor charge RD 89/70 SP. I am not able to be present at my 9:00am adjudicatory hearing on January 30th. Please accept this letter as testimony in place of my presence.

On Friday, January 12th, I was driving from Lynchburg, VA to my hometown of McHenry, IL. It was an unusually warm Friday afternoon with favorable road conditions. I was driving my sister-in-law's vehicle, and she and my sister were both passengers. We were returning from a one week intensive course that my sister-in-law attended at Liberty University where she is a graduate student.

The weather and road conditions were good, there was no traffic congestion, and the road was a straightaway. In these conditions, I recognize that I sometimes exceed the posted speed limit, and I admit to speeding at that time. However, I never knowingly or intentionally exceed the limit by more than 10 mph. I believe the officer clocked me at the bottom of a hill; I recognized the black car to be an official vehicle and I immediately slowed down. I don't know to what degree I was speeding, but I have no reason to believe the officer would provide a false report. For this, I apologize for putting fellow drivers and passengers at risk.

I pride myself in being a safe driver with a lifetime accident-free record. I have not received any moving violation in any state in more than ten years. I would be most grateful if you would take into consideration that my actions were not a criminal act but rather a traffic violation.

I appreciate your consideration and thank you for your time and service.

Sincerely,

This story ends with me paying a fine of $194 online after my hearing results were posted a few days later.

[funemploymentin]

2017 Review

My year started with Home Renovation January which ended up overtaking Fitness February (sorry, I’m not sorry). It's great to have a mom who lets you play house in her house. We ended up with a lot less clutter, backsplashes in the kitchen and laundry room, fresh paint everywhere, textured wallpaper that took hanging twice to get it right, more crown moulding, and a gallery wall that rivals any art museum.

I had a lot of travel starting from the USA to India to the USA to India to the USA. In there, S and I went to Kovalam where I got my first taste of vacationing at a five-star resort. I’d be up for more of that. S and I also came home to Gurgaon engaged! This, of course, leads to the biggest and bestest highlight of the year, marrying S. This actually wasn't so easy (only in terms of logistics, obviously). But, we independently and successfully navigated the Special Marriage Act and the US immigration process. Hats off to Ashish, Naman, and Aditya for being the most patient and amazing witnesses ever. And welcome to life in 'Merca, S!

I marched with my sisters. I spent an afternoon catching up with my childhood friends, and meeting their kids! I made new friends at SocialCops. S and I celebrated the marriage of our friends in Delhi, and I witnessed two old friends getting married at their beautiful downtown Milwaukee wedding. I took an epic trip with my sisters through North India. (We refer to it as the Great Himalayan Sprint.) S and I got to spend Diwali in his hometown of Patna and Thanksgiving in my hometown of Johnsburg. We got quality time living with both our parents (at different times). S and I took a trip to NYC where we ate a lot of delicious food and caught up with a dear friend. I spent many afternoons with my grandparents, celebrated my grandfather's 90th birthday, and visited with cousins I hadn't seen in too long. I went wedding dress shopping with my mother, grandmother, godmother, sister best friend, and sister-cousin best friend. And by the end of the year, S landed a job in San Mateo. To say, "my heart is full,” would be an understatement.

In addition to all of the above, what went well?

Put people first. I've learned that half of being a good person and friend is just showing up. I'm lucky that I had flexibility professionally to be able to do that this year. This goal in a way conflicted with all others but it also improved my life the most. Showing up and spending time with friends and family was more important than checking off that I read 17 books, having a perfectly planned wedding, or even having the smoothest moves from city to city. 

I set out to eat a mostly plant-based diet, and I succeeded. There is still much room for improvement in my diet (i.e. my addiction to sugar that I should address), but overall I'm happy with the choices I've made. I do not regret all the ice cream, banana bread, barfi, and most recently Christmas cookies I had in 2017. I didn't keep a food journal. Part of me thinks this would be helpful and/or interesting. A more rational part of me thinks analysing my diet would feed too much into my OCD tendencies. It also seems like an unsustainable habit and a waste of time. TBD.

Meditate once a week. Oprah and Chopra carried me through some trying times. Their meditation series helped me stretch my patience during periods of waiting. I still lost more time than I would have liked to anxiety, but I'm learning to manage my mind better and am grateful I can tap into these meditations when I need them. 

Live within our financial means. We've made huge progress here because of S's professional life, my minimalism, and a couple months living rent-free. But let's bring on intense saving in 2019! (You thought I'd say 2018? With two weddings to plan and a flat to furnish, I'm not going to kid myself.)

What didn't go well? 

Was I active once a week? Nope. I documented 19 workouts, and half of these were a 10-minute ab video. Fifty-two weeks in the year. Even I can do that math. I can blame the pollution in Delhi or an everlasting internal infection, but I also know that I could have put in more effort.

Learn Hindi. I didn't make any progress here, and now it is go-time. 

Read 17 books. I only read twelve, but I enjoyed them all. Twelve is a lot more than I've read in years past so it could have been worse.

Write 12 blog posts. I only published eleven, but I'm the only one reading them. Whatever I post is enough.

This was not the year for professional development: Exceed expectations at SocialCops; apply to grad school; take pre-requisites for school psychology; learn java and build an app. What went wrong here? I chose to temporarily de-prioritize my professional life in order to keep myself in balance. 

What am I working towards?

This year of 2018 is the year of jubilee for my family. We have so much that we are celebrating. My mom says these are the good old days, and I know she is right. Below are my focus areas for 2018. They could be better defined, but it's a start: 

Put people first

Celebrate everything

Do more yoga: 52 classes this year

Travel

Read: 12 books

Learn Hindi: 52 hours of class time

Be a boss of my professional life

Stay sane

Thoreau sums up my attitude and reflection for the year ahead: "Live in each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influence of the earth."

[funemploymentin]

“Rich Bitch,” a book. Not me (yet).

With our upcoming move to the USA, and with the specific city and our salaries still to be determined, S and I have many unknowns ahead. However, we are in this together, so everything will work out on its own, right? Lol. We may be better together, but planning for our shared future and finances will help us live a more conscious, purposeful, and hopefully happier life.

S hates talking about money, so I knew this was going to be a challenge. I wanted to be prepared, so I searched my online library for resources and somehow ended up with “Rich Bitch” by Nicole Lapin on my Kindle. This book assumes you know nothing, and there is a lot of fluff to make the author feel like the cool, with-it, and opposite-of-your-parents'-austere-financial-advisor that she is. “Rich Bitch” is exactly the tool I needed to prep for this conversation.

I think the conversation will be best structured into three parts. First, we will write our goals for finance, fun, and family. We have talked about these verbally, but we have not written them down together. Then, we will make a tentative spending plan. Finally, we will talk through a financial checklist we will follow on the way to becoming savvy investors. I’ve shared outlines and tips below. Fingers crossed that we can beat the odds and not have money be a qualm of contention in our relationship!

The Future

What you want in life in terms of finance, fun, and family?

Finance: What are your career goals? Do you want to own a home? When do you want to retire? Do you need to support aging parents? Do you plan to fund your children’s college educations?

Fun: Do you want to start a blog, learn an instrument, sail around the world, work on a political campaign, own a vacation home? What is on your bucket list?

Family: Do you want to be in a relationship, get married, and/or have kids?

What do you have to do to reach these goals over one, three, five, and ten years? How much money do you have to put away? These goals will change and then change again, but it is still important to write them down. 

The Spending Plan

Budgets are boring, spending plans are fun. You can borrow from different categories depending on your situation, but everything you spend money on must be added to the plan for it to work. Your spending plan should look like this:

HOUSING 35% (Essentials) 

TRANSPORTATION 10% (Essentials) 

HOUSEHOLD BILLS/INSURANCES 15% (Essentials) 

FOOD 10% (Essentials) 

SAVINGS 15% (Endgame) 

FUN 15% (Extras)

Take note that any form of take-out, coffee-to-go, subscriptions, and gym memberships will be in the Extra category. These may feel essentials, but you can survive without them. 

The tough part of the spending plan is of course reconciling how your future goals will fit in and become reality. 

Priorities

Based on Nicole’s recommendations, these are your to-do’s, in this order, leading up to joining the investor’s club:

Pay off any credit cards and high interest loans. 

Build an emergency fund that will cover 3-6 months of your Essentials.

Contribute the max amount possible to a Roth or regular IRA. The 2017 max out is $5,500, and you have until April of 2018 to make this contribution. 

Regularly pay lower interest loans like education loans and/or mortgages without any trouble.

Save $500-$2,500 to start investing in an appropriate risk portfolio.

Although “Rich Bitch” discusses life insurance and health savings accounts in detail, it is up to you to decide where they fit depending on your situation.

Other Nuggets of Financial Wisdom from Nicole

Don’t assume a 401k is a good thing. There may be better alternatives, especially if your employer doesn’t offer matching benefits.

Don’t lease or even take a loan for a depreciating asset such as a car. Pay cash for what you can afford.

Buying a home only makes sense if 1) you can truly afford it and 2) you plan to live there for a long, long time.

If you are a small business owner or a sole proprietor, you can create a pension for yourself. Plus, the money you the employer contributes to you the employee can be deducted from your business taxes.

If you make more than the qualified income required to contribute to a Roth IRA ($132,000), you can contribute to a non-deductible IRA and then rollover to a Roth IRA account on the same day. You won’t get a tax deduction on your income taxes, but you won’t have to pay taxes when you withdraw from the Roth IRA at retirement.

Tax-deductible college savings accounts or 529s can be used for you too! So, if you are planning to work on a degree in the future, this can potentially be a big tax saving to you now.

[funemploymentin]

On Dreaming Small

My mother once told my adult siblings and me to "lower our expectations in life.” Now, our mother is among the wisest, which is why we immediately called her out on such callous advice to millennials. We have not let the joke go and continuously remind one another to “dream small” and “reach for the ground.” 

However, the real irony is that I have been following this obviously ill advice long before I heard it. How have you used your education? I haphazardly job hopped through my twenties. How many professional opportunities have you squandered? All of them. What skills have you gained along the way? Nothing tangible. What is your proudest moment? Umm…

I’m more than a quarter century into living and my biggest regret is that I haven’t dreamt big enough. I have consciously avoided testing the extent of my mental capacity, the limits of my willpower, and the degree to which I can manifest my greatest desires. I am the kid who dreams of making it big in Minor League Baseball or who aspires to star in an off-Broadway musical. I have kept my hopes and dreams completely in check with whatever has seemed feasible, attainable, and reasonable. Never fully committing to anything, I have religiously guarded against disappointments when I should be putting these efforts into doing and being more.

I can’t be the only 20-something, 40-something, or even 70-something lacking satisfaction in personal accomplishment and contribution. What percentage of people are living to their potential? Do you personally know anyone on an honest journey to self-actualization?

Misery enjoys company, but better company is hope. The only dreams that are attainable are the dreams we believe in and actively reach for. Why do we limit ourselves by reaching only for what seems reasonable? We ourselves are the limiting factor. So, fail for being inept, under-qualified, idealistic, unlucky, naive, or any other reason, but at least try. Set your targets and build momentum with small wins, but let go of dreaming small. Here’s a mantra to start: 

I acknowledge my blessings and massive potential. I give myself permission to dream big. My first wish is that others will too. It is not too late. I can do anything.  

[funemploymentin]

The Great Himalayan Sprint

$500 for 3 Weeks of Travel: Delhi - Rishikesh - Valley of Flowers - Manali - Leh

I understand that India isn’t on the top of everyone’s bucket list. But, if you haven’t visited because you think all international travel is unaffordable, think again. Yes, metropolitan areas in India can be expensive if you are trying to maintain a western standard of living. However, once you are outside of cities, India offers incredible value for money.

I had a divine time travelling North India in August with my cousin and sister. We only had about three weeks (which I realize is a luxury) but we had very ambitious plans. Even though we scaled back our agenda significantly in order to accommodate the joy and unpredictability of public transportation, we managed a pretty epic journey and time well spent in Delhi, Rishikesh, Valley of Flowers, Manali, and Leh.

I didn’t keep an exact record of all our purchases, but our trip cost came out below $500 per person for a little more than three weeks of travel, which included a one-way flight from Leh to Delhi. (This obviously didn’t include the international flight.) I’d like to acknowledge some advantages we had going for us: 1) We had a home base in Delhi where accommodation would have been most expensive. 2) We carried a tent and slept in it more than half of the time 3) As a group of three sisters we could share a room and divide the cost by three. 4) We believe ourselves to be decent at negotiating. 

Below I share some sample prices from August 2017 (the exchange rate was ~64 INR to $1). 

August 2017 Prices

Sites and Activities

Beatles Ashram entry permit, 600 INR for foreigners (150 for residents)

Yoga lesson in Rishikesh, 300 INR per person

Valley of Flowers entry permit, 600 INR for foreigners (150 INR for residents)

Jogini Falls in Manali, free

Laundry service in Manali, 8 INR per sock set and underwear, 15 INR for shirts

Buddha Stupa entry in Leh, 50 INR

Permit to Pangong Lake, 600 INR

Transportation

Shared auto ride from Haridwar to Rishikesh, 50 INR

Manali to Keylong local bus ticket, 157 INR

Auto from New Manali to Old Manali, 150 INR

Leh to Pangong local bus ticket, 270 INR

Last minute flight from Leh to Delhi, 8k INR

Accommodation

Room in Laxman Jula, 650 INR per night

Waterfront room in Karanprayag, 500 INR per night

Room in Old Manali, 650 INR per night

Cozy Corner Hotel in Leh, 1000 INR per night

Home stay in Leh, 700 INR per night

Food

Breakfast of eggs, fresh bread, cooked vegetables, potatoes, and tea at River Garden Cafe in Manali, 180 INR per person

Dinner for three at family restaurant/ home in Keylong, 250 INR 

Large beer in Keylong 220 INR

Plate of momos in Leh, 100 INR

10 bananas in Leh, 80 INR

250 grams of dried apricots in Leh, 150 INR

1 kg of fresh apricots in Leh, 50 INR

Pot of ginger lemon tea in Leh, 70 INR

Cup of masala chai in Leh, 40 INR

Seabuck thorn juice in Leh, 25 INR 

Large piece of apricot (Apple Tree Restaurant) in Leh, 100 INR 

Sku (spicy vegetable stew) at main market festival in Leh, 80 INR

Veg thentuk (noodle and vegetable soup) at Pangong Lake, 150 INR

Veg maggi at Pangong Lake, 40 INR

Gifts

Apricot cream from Leh, 140

10 pack of small sized prayer flags from Leh, 110 INR

Singing bowl from Leh, 650

Yoga belts/ mat holder from Rishikesh, 50 INR

Prayer beads from Rishikesh, 300 INR for ~20

Camel leather wallet from Manali, 250 INR

Wool scarf from Manali, 250 INR

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God, Gratitude, and "The Science of Getting Rich” 

Although he was born way back in 1860, Wallace Wattles rocks my world. He might be the dead-or-alive dinner party guest I’d ring if Oprah couldn’t make it. I cannot overstate the value his magnum opus “The Science of Getting Rich” has brought to me. Be warned that this is not a text on finance or a guide to quick riches; it deals in faith, creativity, the benefits of trade, and living fully. On the other side of it, this text is not figurative; Wallace teaches you how to earn all the money required to buy and do everything you desire. 

That a text published in 1903 can connect the incongruences I observe in myself and my disparate beliefs about the world into one cohesive understanding of the universe excites and motivates me. 

First, to understand that being rich is both a right, a responsibility, and a healthy desire is amazing in the true sense of the word:

It is perfectly right that you should give your best attention to the science of getting rich, for it is the noblest and most necessary of all studies. If you neglect this duty, you are derelicit in your duty to yourself, to God and humanity; for you render to God and to humanity no greater service than to make the most of yourself.

Furthermore, that there is an exact science to becoming rich strengthens my faith that this is God’s will. The science deals in a number of principles you must follow. To start, you have to be in the business of good for everyone, win-win-win situations:

You are to become a creator, not a competitor; you are going to get what you want, but in such a way that when you get it every other man will have more than he has now.

Wallace is agnostic to industry and profession; he teaches you to focus on developing yourself to your fullest expression starting from where you are right exactly now.

The world is advanced only by those who more than fill their present places.

His teachings promote fair play and betterment of society at large.

Every man who becomes rich by competition throws down behind him the ladder by which he rises, and keeps others down; but every man who gets rich by creation opens a way for thousands to follow him, and inspires them to do so.

Wallace values a balanced life in mind, body, and soul. He knows the importance of giving: 

Man cannot live fully in body without good food, comfortable clothing, and warm shelter; and without freedom from excessive toil. Rest and recreation are also necessary to his physical life. He cannot live fully in mind without books and time to study them, without opportunity for travel and observation, or without intellectual companionship. To live fully in mind he must have intellectual recreations, and must surround himself with all the objects of art and beauty he is capable of using and appreciating. To live fully in soul, man must have love; and love is denied expression by poverty. A man’s highest happiness is found in the bestowal of benefits on those he loves; love finds its most natural and spontaneous expression in giving. The man who has nothing to give cannot fill his place as a husband or father, as a citizen, or as a man. It is in the use of material things that a man finds full life for his body, develops his mind, and unfolds his soul. It is therefore of supreme importance to him that he should be rich.

A summary of this science by Wallace would be incomplete without mentioning gratitude: 

The law of gratitude is the natural principle that action and reaction are always equal, and in opposite directions. The grateful outreaching of your mind in thankful praise to the Supreme is a liberation or expenditure of force; it cannot fail to reach that to which it addressed, and the reaction is an instantaneous movement towards you.

Some may deem this type of text as hokey or worse. To these naysayers and to the believers, I encourage you to read the “The Science of Getting Rich” and test it. Give yourself permission to buy into it. Let it be your truth, at least for a while. You will open opportunities to know more, be more, and do more.   

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The Immigrant Advantage

I complete four consecutive years with my primary residence outside the USA this month. It is bizarre considering I only expected  to stay a few months in India and humbling because I still speak “toda toda” Hindi. As S and I get ready to move to my homeland, we naturally make comparisons and contemplate how different our life will be, what we will miss, and what we look forward to. What pieces of Indian culture will we try to preserve and eventually pass on to our children? What learnings can I take home from my time in India? 

In the “The Immigrant Advantage,” Claudia Kolker examines a variety of practical habits that different immigrant groups have maintained. She considers how these traditions give some immigrant groups an edge and also examines whether it is practical for non-immigrants to consider these same practices. Several of these customs are not so foreign to me. I can for sure get on board with the following four. What about you?   

Multigenerational Households

My dad grew up in a multigenerational household. He was one of nine children and his grandmother kept a notebook in the kitchen where she had all nine kids write their breakfast requests the night before. Grandma Kit- my namesake and a saint! I too have tapped the benefits of multigenerational households. 

In India, my in-laws stay with us in Gurugram a few months at a time. In addition to managing deliveries and apartment maintenance while we are at work, they let me vent to them when their son is being less than ideal. They also help us keep better habits. If the parents weren’t here, we would likely be going out to eat, having take-out, or drinking more than we should. In the USA, I know I was not the first child to ever stay at home for savings benefits. 

Looking to the future, I wouldn’t mind having live-in grandparents, great aunts and uncles, etc. from either side of the family when we have kids (provided there is adequate personal space). These are the people who raised S and me and would be an extra layer of family support to love and read to our kids. Plus, I cannot imagine anyone better than our own relatives to care for our children while we are at work. We’d pay well if they were up for the job! 

More than anything, it is great to have the time together. We know our time on earth is limited, but we do not always act accordingly. Sharing a space with family builds in time together with no planning required. 

Tiffin Meals

Can you imagine healthy, home cooked meals delivered fresh to your door daily for a meagre price? For young professionals living independently, this is a dream. For a flatmate of mine in Dubai, this was reality. She paid ahead for the month, and then dinner was waiting at the door five days a week when she reached home from work. Her tiffin service included salad, rice, chapati, vegetables, and dal, and her only complaint was that they consistently gave her too much food. This option is healthier and more convenient than take-out. Had I not been tired of Indian food, I would have readily subscribed.   

Homemakers cook in bulk and sell meal subscriptions to young professionals living independently who are in need of an economical solution to sorely missed home cooked meals. You know if you will receive a vegetarian meal or not, but outside of this, the menu is up to the home cook.   

So, what’s a tiffin then? Tiffins are stackable metal food containers. You have two sets. You leave your first washed out food container outside your door to be picked up at the time your meal is delivered in the second container. Many of these services now use disposable containers, but I’d want to go green and keep the tradition of reusable containers. 

From “The Immigrant Advantage," I now know this type of meal service is available not just in India and the UAE. You can find this practice in Vietnam, Thailand, and other Southeast Asian countries, and even in South America. Claudia Kolker sought out Vietnamese food for dinner once a week at $7 for a meal for four. Provided we can find it, I would love to have tiffin dinners a couple nights a week.   

Assisted Marriage

Letting family and friends help you find your someone seems like such a no-brainer. They know you best, and they know your family values and customs. The fierce lady bosses and sweet guys I work with in India do not stress about dating or who they will end up with. They focus on their career and personal development. Finding a partner is is not their responsibility.   

My brother-in-law and many of S’s college friends have had successful assisted marriages. Family networks arrange and attend the first meeting, but nothing happens without the couple-to-be agreeing. This allows them the opportunity to talk, text, and meet each other before deciding on forever.   

When a potential couple shows up to their first meeting, they ask questions about how they envision their future and their expectations for marriage. It is truly an interview for a life partner. In India some conversations go into bizarre details: how many international trips the wife can expect per year, what her monthly shopping budget will be, and whether or not the wife will be able to work outside the home. Of course the topics covered would be different in a Western culture, but the point is that they get down to business. 

At the same time, many families in India prefer their child to find his or her own spouse. Some parents will go to great lengths to facilitate this by enrolling children in higher education. They might even supplement a daughters’ income to work and live in a more progressive city where she might meet a suitable match on her own. 

If my own children wanted help in finding a life partner, I would absolutely consider taping into these Indian roots to get conversations started.   

The Cuarentena

The cuarentena is “an ancient set of postpartum rituals still practiced with religious intensity by migrants from rural Mexico.” It was designed to prevent infection in infants as well as postpartum depression in mothers. Over the course of six weeks, a new mother is surrounded by her closest female relatives who are there to tend to the cleaning, cooking, and shopping. In addition to carving out time for a mother to care and bond with her baby, these female relatives are there to monitor and support the mother’s mental health. They provide guidance to new mothers and are a buffer to anxiety and depression. 

Setting aside time for a mother to rest and bond with her baby is not an exclusive tradition. According to Kolker, women all over the world take rest for forty days after giving birth. This magical number carries religious meaning for many and scientific meaning for all. A baby’s gestation lasts forty weeks, and it takes approximately 40 days for a mother’s womb to regain its shape and position.   

But, how can this work in modern society? Six weeks off work for the mother and close female relatives? A new mom might line up friends and relatives to stay one week at a time as Claudia Kolker did when she had twins. Or, husbands take over household responsibilities while female friends and family visit in the evenings. I believe in the value of a cuarentena. If one of my tribe has a baby, I will do whatever I can to encourage and provide this experience provided it is welcome.

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Flowers of Kerala

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The Streets of Kovalam