Funny Schmitt @funnyschmitt - Tumblr Blog

one of the best moments in television history

I would eat healthy but then I remember that one time when Eve ate the apple and doomed humanity so idk I better not risk it.

I hate when kids ask “Why’s the sky blue?” *smh* “FOR THE 100TH TIME ITS QUANTUM RAYLEIGH SCATTERS & LACKING VIOLET PHOTON RECEPTORS IN OUR RETINAE!”

-Does it have apples in it? -No. -What about pine? -No pine either. -Perfect, we'll call it a pineapple.

i’m writing a children’s book

my favorite post on tumblr

A Message About Miss America

Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child and we laugh

I hate when kids ask “Why’s the sky blue?” *smh* “FOR THE 100TH TIME ITS QUANTUM RAYLEIGH SCATTERS & LACKING VIOLET PHOTON RECEPTORS IN OUR RETINAE!”

I told my doctor I needed medicinal marijuana. He asked why so I told him it was for my joints.

I'm hosting a lecture for people who have trouble reaching an orgasm. If you cant come... let me know.

So airplanes have officially banned tweezers. Honestly, i think anyone that can hijack the plane with tweezers deserves the airplane.

**white girl attempts to count to 10**

White Girl: "1...3...5...7...9"

Me: "why are you skipping numbers!?"

White Girl:"...I CAN'T EVEN" (ง-Ò｡Ó-)ง

Raise your right hand if you like the French. Raise both hands if you are.

She looked in my general direction, she wants me.

Men

Petition to make Joe from princess diaries the new anonymous icon

Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can't even.

Funny Schmitt