Funny Things People Say

I know funny people who say funny things (particularly when drunk). So without further ado:

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Should I just start texting random people and asking them about my fucking swords?

Richie

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TMI

The Stepfather: Does he eat in the night?

Shelbey: I breastfeed him at night.

The Stepfather: Aw, Shelbey, I just asked if he ate. I don't need to know the details.

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The Black Card

Me: Who's supposed to be the black card right now?

Kit: Naeemah. Naeemah's always playing the black card.

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Kelly, I'm gonna move your boob brace here.

The Stepfather

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Legit.

Me: You can never have too many pens.

Richie: True dat. ... Ugh. I hated that.

Me: What?

Richie: True dat. I'm never saying it again.

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I used to think that 'balls deep' meant literally stuffing your balls in something ... and then it all made sense.

Shane

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Should I look for a band aid or should I just lick it once in a while?

Richie

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Off Limits

Me: Look, she has a matching tank top on underneath.

Kit: I don't want to see what your little sister is wearing underneath.

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Marital Bliss

Johnny: I'm not gonna say what you're being right now.

Shelbey: What? Totally awesome at this game?

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Sick Burn

Richie: Is she gone?

Todd: Yeah. I just walked her out.

Richie: So now we can have fun!

Todd: No, her name's not Monique.

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I don't want no homeless penis.

Danika

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Logo Game

Johnny: What's up with all these fuckin' Pot Licks?

Shelbey: It's Pot Lucks, baby.

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The easiest way to make a mix tape would be to burn the songs onto CD and then record them on cassette. Then microwave the CD.

Richie

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Life Lessons

Naeemah: Do you remember the Care Bear stare? They stared out of their chests.

Kit: That's what taught me to stare at people's chests.

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Well, that's bullshit. The common loon's a bird. It's real pretty.

Johnny (playing Apples to Apples, and the green card was "exquisite") 

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How do I get you to be an active cat? All I know how to do is turn on the laser.

Richie

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Blackmail

Todd: I do know the theme song.

Sean: One time Todd asked me for a ride and I said, 'Okay, on one condition: We have to listen to Van Nuys Boulevard on repeat the whole way there.'

Todd: I needed a fuckin' ride.