Some hairy thoughts...
I just wanted to be a furry guy. My entire life- I’m 50 as I type this.
It was a dream as a kid even. When I was older, I would get hairy. I knew it happen - wishes come true - I just knew it would happen. It HAD to happen because no one, NO ONE, could have wanted to be hairy as much as I did. I drew pics of me at what I thought I would look like at 18, 21, 30, 40, 50…. Each drawing getting progressively furrier, bigger bearded, balder. I think I was 8-9 when I drew those pics. I’d spot people while out in public that had the look I liked- I’d memorize it “for later.” I recorded tv shows, researched magazine articles, collected story books that involved hairy guys, big beards. You know, bear folk. I was drawn to it even as a kid. Though I didn’t know about bears then. I just knew one thing. I couldn’t wait till those early chest hairs formed at the center of my chest- awaiting them to spread over every other part of me. I drank coffee, dark black coffee, because my grandpa - moderately furred - promised it would put hair on my chest. I feigned bravery because courage would put hair on my chest.
Then, It started happening! … On my friends. Locker rooms became showcases of what I didn’t have, but they did. Chest hair, side burns, stray buttocks fuzz- all developing on them and not me. College only became a bigger show as full beards began sprouting on young men’s faces and chest hair was now visible above the collars of opened shirts… and even above the crew neck t-shirts of some others. But not on me.
My desire only grew. My yearning to be a furry guy wasn’t going away. I didn’t notice that I could grow a decent beard. What I did notice was I didn’t have a hairy chest. I didn’t have hairy arms or legs or shoulders. I wasn’t receding, or balding, nothing. The disappointment grew immense. I even started to feel jaded in some ways. Why didn’t this happen for me? My life progressed and I continued to grow up, but underneath it all I was still noticing, comparing. Noticing the furry 21-year-old at the bar, when I sat - a bare chested 28-year-old.
Then the internet came. Now the super hairy 20-year-old appropriately screen named something like furrycub95 (coincidence if this was you, sorry) was showing off an extremely furry chest and face and the start of shoulders and back hair. And I watched, from my 35-year-old mirror showing my random rogue chest hair and a few straggly nipple hairs. I fought the depression that was setting in by trying to manipulate the science of it all… I ate more protein! Exercised! Slept well! Lifted weights. After all, buddies of mine who all lifted regularly had more fur than I did. THIS had to work! Science! It was hormones! All those things boosted testosterone and I was about to finally unleash my inner furball. Instead-More waiting. Not more hair.
I was obsessed. Driven to collect and observe all the furry guys I could find. If I only had HALF the hair some of these guys here on tumblr had, that would be amazing! I would be complete. Who I felt I was on the inside would match my outsides. But no. Not in the cards for me, I guess. I look now, as a middle-aged guy, would has a very patchy dusting… a powder really, of fine, patchy, chest hair. Not grown in a complete pattern, just patchy and random. Leg hair that came and went. Arm hair that fades with sunlight.
I know people might say, “it’s just hair.” But to me it’s more. I hear the horror stories of hairy guys who shave it all off- or worse laser it away. I see the shadows of amazing beards the world may never see because “facial hair is gross” or “my wife doesn’t like it” or “I can’t get past the itch.” If I let it, it makes me sick.
I am sure it’s an unhealthy fetish. I’m sure I’m over-reacting. But in all honesty, it keeps me home from bear nights out at bars or bear events or traditional bear travel destinations and it sucks. I’m not saying this for pity. It just sucks. I collect these images here as a longing for something I always wanted but didn’t get. What sucks the most is there is zero I can do about it. It’s not like heading to the gym to build your perfect body fixes this. No amount of fad chemicals or expensive procedures suddenly fixes my issue. It is what it is and for me, it just sucks. I know, I know, the grass is always greener… I get it.
