bastard4bastard @futchphobic - Tumblr Blog

I feel like the first class you played in DND tells a lot about you

Reblog and put in the tags what your first class was

If you ever, and I mean EVER think that you fucked something up royally, remember that the organizers of the 1904 Olympic marathon:

- Had zero stations for water on the 26 mile (42 km) course

- Accidentally gave North American competitor Tom Hicks a cocktail made of egg whites, brandy, and actual fucking rat poison

- Had a guy come into the race late wearing a beret and cutoff slacks, sneak into an apple orchard during the race because no food had been given to him for 40 hours, eat rotten apples, projectile vomit onto the track, fall asleep for hours, and finish in fourth place OVERALL because most of the other runners collapsed of exhaustion or injuries

- Conducted the race on a dusty road, which caused so much dust to be kicked into the air that an American runner somehow inhaled enough to tear his STOMACH LINING open

- Accidentally released feral dogs onto the track

- Fucked the other competitors up SO BADLY that Tom Hicks—the guy who ate RAT POISON and was HALLUCINATING the entire run—came in first place

garbage-empress

i just looked it up and it wasn’t an accident that they gave rat poison to him, the mistake was that they gave it to him twice. strychnine was apparently used as performance enhancing drug way back in the day because it has stimulant properties if you take it at a sub-lethal dose. a third “wake up cocktail” might have outright killed him though.

weaver-z

I don’t think a single other human being alive can imagine what it would feel like, physically, to be starved of water for 36 hours, fed only Special Hallucinogenic Rat Juice, and then made to run a MARATHON and WIN. That man saw the eyes of god I’m sure of it

sketchydrawer

Dogge

warmcoals

i mean the thing is, the “high school setting” shit in anime and spec fiction and all that happens bc the stuff is made for literal kids. and obv kids wanna read about kids, they wanna relate! but the simple response to that is, dont put all sorts of sexual and otherwise creepy shit in kids media, no ifs ands or buts. and the other response to that is, make speculative fiction/animation/whatever for adults.

idk we can argue about how once we hit adulthood we’re supposed to be studying and learning and consuming only heavy shit, but frankly with how lots of us have been raised online with webcomics and widespread anime access and fanfic and shit, a lot of us are still hungry for escaping and fantasies! and it’s easy!!! slice-of-life abt a group house of useless post-college gays. cool knight stories w a mix of actual political intrigue and sexy monster bullshit. theres a bajillion ideas out there that appeal to a TON of adults that dont even necessarily need to be about horny sloppy love triangle sex murder or drugs n depression in a hyperreal world.

sry for the random rant i just do see takes of like, “once you hit adulthood dont watch cartoons or you’re a freak” or “do whatever you want in a high school setting!” and they both totally suck. adult media sucks ass right now and we should be more thoughtful about the shit we make for kids. both can be true, and both can be fixed pretty easily.

bought a new mask but the print on it is crooked and im genuinely upset

love seeing a picture of siri with his trainer and it being talked about how he's in training for his handover to his new handler... like, that's my dog.

#I know he's not! I know he stopped being mine the second it was decided I was switching dogs!#there's a very very selfish part of me that wants him to wash bc my family has first dibs to adopt him. but thats so selfish of me #i miss him so much

drawinglobster

Guess what month it is??

vilf-deactivated20210205

i still can’t believe this is real

girlfriendsofthegalaxy

#me putting homoerotic subtext in potc

dstroym

aaronburrssexdungeon

mangomess4

Here’s the full version...

sailorbrazil

weaver-z

Me: Please Mr. Lecter I don’t want to die don’t eat me ple

Hannibal:

lotorhasabuttcape

every episode of Hannibal

pretty much anyone: (looking at a dead body) his tongue’s been cut out, almost surgically, like they were planning on using the organ for something else

hannibal: everyone come over to my house and eat this freshly prepared tongue i made

literally everyone: how delightful and unrelated to everything else going on

hannibal: I think you’ll find everything is related

straight up everyone, who have at least a graduate degree and are qualified to work for the FBI: (while eating tongue) haha, oh hannibal

popsunner

So there’s this huge dudebro in my class, who, yesterday, sat next to me. And I’m sitting there sweating because like… I’m wearing my shirt with the lesbian flag on it, and he’s the most popular jock in school, and always has this look on his face that say ‘I can and will kill you’. He looks me up and down, stares at me for a minute and then goes, “So. Girls in skirts and long socks, am I right?”

To which I nodded solemnly, both out of agreement, surprise and also a healthy amount of awkward fear. He nodded and went, “You get it.”

I said, “Yep.” He fistbumped me, and on went our lives.

popsunner

Oh! I forgot to mention! I saw him at lunch the same day, and he ran up to me, tapped me on the shoulder, pointed at this super sweet girl who comes to GSA and asked if she’s gay. I told him he should ask her because that’s not my place and he said he would.

I thought that would be the end of it.

Except ten minutes later he came back and told me he found out (she’s bi) and that both of us have a shot. I said “You more than me.” because he’s attractive and popular.

But this wholesome dumbass looked really confused and asked, “Because I’m tall?’

popsunner

So this isn’t lesbian/jock solidarity but I thought you guys would want to know-

My math teacher was trying to fix the rolling whiteboard and he just offhand said “This would be easier with a wrench”

And deadass, dudebro said “Hang on” and then proceeded to pull a fucking wrench out of his backpack

popsunner

Update- after school today he saw me in the library and he didn’t say anything? He just pointed at the book he was holding and I gave him a thumbs up because it’s a pretty good book, and he went “Yes!” Really quiet and pumped his fist and then left

popsunner

Okay so today he asked me if I know how to help people having a panic attack and I was like yeah? And he smiled at me and then went “cool I think I’m having one”

And I was like what the fuck Colin we’re in the middle of Tech class sit down and we went out in the hall and sat there for a while and he told me about the test he’s stressed about so we kind of went over his study guide and when he was feeling better he kind of like… smacked his head against mine gently? And I helped him up even though he’s almost a foot taller than me and yeah

popsunner

Today at lunch we walked to the football field and laid in the grass and I told him thank you for being my friend (because I don’t have that many) and fistbumped me and said, “You always looked so nice and chill, how could I not want to be your friend?”

And honestly y’all, I would’ve started crying if he hadn’t sneezed and accidentally smacked me

annabanannabeth

henstomper

too many people see evolution as just animals becoming better animals when the truth is that theres a species of boar that evolved to die because its tusks grow into its skull because the males with long tusks fuck the most

paleo-mammalia

Yep.

And don’t forget the Irsih elk, which supposedly went extinct because its antlers were too bleeding huge for it to function, and the ladies wouldn’t bang a man if his antlers were not huge enough.