Future Mushrooms

shit straight from my brain, curated entirely for my own personal enjoyment.

[future-mushrooms]

“Have you tried kicking it? Maybe kick it harder?” is frequently the technical theatre equivalent of “Have you tried turning it off and back on again?” and it’s about as effective

[future-mushrooms]

I really don’t like killing things but I also am not brave enough to catch the spider. I find a cup and a piece of paper. But he’s in the shower, which is much more difficult terrain than a wall or desk. I got him under the cup but the only piece of paper I could grab was a show bill from my seventh grade musical. It was a little warped and bent, which made the whole ordeal harder. After several minutes of traumatizing the poor guy, I left to grab a tissue to mercy kill him. But when I came back, I stoped to watch him. He would run up the side of the tub, but the tiny drops of water pulled him back down. Over and over he tried but it was clear he wouldn’t escape on his own. So I, a being about ten thousand times his size, understood I had to be benevolent. He rode my Annie Jr. playbill to victory and is now in a bush. Aren’t we all just spiders in bathtubs, to some being thousands of times our size, too big for our consciousness to comprehend.

[future-mushrooms]

i think Gwen Stefani could release an entire album and every song could be about car sex. and i think i would listen to it 

[future-mushrooms]

I just finished Inherit The Wind. Man, I wish Christians were real

[future-mushrooms]

how many pies would a moon pie moon if a moon pie could moon pies

[future-mushrooms]

future-mushrooms

by far the best part of working with brand new, tiny freshman technicians is that I get to see their face the first time they hear the phrase ‘percussive maintenance’  

[future-mushrooms]

I keep stopping for green lights. 

That’s not poetic, it’s a traffic violation.

[future-mushrooms]

9 months until top surgery, 9 months of my horrible friends calling my chest ‘daddy milkers’ 

[future-mushrooms]

accidentally gave my favorite dnd character the nice cock, bro voice

[future-mushrooms]

worked at a huge, very fancy wedding last weekend and at ~9:30 pm the DJ played Baby Shark followed by WAP

guess which ones the 7 year olds liked more.

[future-mushrooms]

why the hell are gc2b binders in women’s shirt sizes?! men’s sizing is literally the default

[future-mushrooms]

just heard a friend of mine call changing their bong water routinely ‘self care’