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@fydmwy
what. I can't.
Husband came home a while ago, saying he was hungry because the only thing he'd eaten since breakfast today was a peanut butter Moon Pie.
A peanut butter Moon Pie.
A PEANUT BUTTER MOON PIE.
I think you can imagine the look of horror that crossed my face at that moment...
Is that a Langolier?
Oh, no, wait. It's a German Chocolate Fudge Bite.
Contains:
No chocolate whatsoever
Oh, no, wait. There's a note here at the bottom of the ingredients list. Like fine print, almost: "optional: feel free to add some chocolate chips."
Ehhh, we'll see. Wouldn't want to overdo it.
Oh my goodness, you guys, it's an ENTIRE HEALTY DESSERT TABLE.
Just look at it. All the fruit! All the yogurt! All the sprigs of mint! I'll bet this wedding reception is the prettiest... and something tells me it's the driest, too.
You know what, though? I don't see any peanut butter, so maybe there is something redeeming about this.
Banana Mousse
Contains:
Banana
Lowfat yogurt
Takes 1 hour to prepare.
Just eat a banana with some yogurt. Neither is a dessert so you might as well go with the easy version.
Have you ever wondered what would happen if you fused a quiche with a yogurt parfait?
Yeah, me neither.
But luckily we don't have to! I bring you:
the Yogurt Parfait Pie!!
Contains:
Lowfat yogurt
Strawberries & blueberries
Egg yolks
Cornstarch
Unflavored gelatin
So instead of just making a nice parfait, you make and toast a graham-cracker crust (which somehow includes crushed Cheerios that are not mentioned in the ingredient list), let it cool overnight, then make an unholy mixture of parfait ingredients and quiche ingredients, dump that into your crust, and let it "set" like jello.
Um.
No thanks, I'll just take the parfait.
"Skinny Monkey" Cookies - all the horror of no-bake cookies with the added inconvenience of baking!
Actual quote from the source blog, "I know it’s not often you see chocolate, bananas, and peanut butter in a healthy recipe..."
Oh, dear. She has not been reading this website, has she.
Recipe contains:
Bananas
Oats
Peanut butter
Unsweetened cocoa powder
Unsweetened applesauce
Excellent for people who hate both desserts AND convenience!
Gluten Free Frozen Banana "Ice Cream"
OF COURSE IT'S GLUTEN FREE, IT'S BANANAS.
It's also not ice cream.
But you know, for a kick you can also add peanut almond butter (nothing so pedestrian as peanut butter for this blogger!) and some shavings of (gluten free) chocolate. And optional sea salt.
Quote from the blogger: "I can't seem to get enough of sea salt these days. It adds so much flavor to so many recipes naturally."
Oh, yes. I vastly prefer natural salt to that synthetic salt we're all so used to using.
I think I've just burnt off enough calories eye-rolling over this to eat a real dessert.
Apple Sandwiches with Granola and Peanut Butter.
Ohhhh, all of my "favorite" things, including:
Unnecessary measures taken with apples
Peanut butter (or almond butter!)
Granola presented as dessert
In order:
Apples are delicious, they don't need to be cut into a simulacrum of bread slices so you can shove peanut butter between them
Peanut butter is NOT dessert (but I am biased, remember?)
Granola is not dessert - a great snack, and quite delicious, but not dessert
Whole Foods, whyyyy?
Strawberry and Kiwi Parfait with Cornflakes
Contains:
Greek yogurt
Cornflakes
Honey (optional! For sweetness! In case you want any of that in your dessert!)
It's a fruit-and-yogurt parfait... with cornflakes. And optional sweetness!
Now, to be fair, the source website says this dish is "perfect for breakfast, or even as a snack." It was the poor, misguided Pinner who labeled it a "healthy dessert." Whoops.
No-Bake Choco-Choco Chip Peanut Butter Balls
They're so exciting that no one single typeface can fully capture it! So exciting they couldn't even complete the word "chocolate," only stutter excitedly, "Choco! Choco!" They're no-bake! They're peanut butter! They're balls!
Also, they totally don't look like poo!
Black Tie Oscar Worthy Double Dark Chocolate Pancakes with Salted Peanut Butter Syrup
Contains:
Nonfat Greek yogurt
Quinoa flakes
Ground chia seeds
Cacao nibs (huh? Are those like chocolate chips?)
You can tell this recipe is fancy because the name has so many words in it. Also, these pancakes are "healthier than your average pancakes, they also a lot more decadent [sic]." These pancakes are "the pancake equivalent of a 70% dark chocolate bar." AND there's peanut butter. Fancy, healthy, and slathered in peanut butter.
Banana Ice Cream!
Contains:
Bananas (frozen)
Peanut butter
Chocolate chips (optional)
Don't let the enthusiastically punctuated title fool you! This is not ice cream!
This is a frozen banana, pulverized in a blender and violated with peanut butter.
Sigh.
"5-Layer Flat Belly Dessert" from Dr. Oz's website.
First of all, fuck you, Dr. Oz. Stop shaming my non-flat belly, which is mad sexy, regardless of whether or not I eat some bastardized version of actual dessert.
Phew, now that I have THAT off my ches-- er, belly, here's the "dessert":
Contains:
Nonfat Greek yogurt
Agave syrup
Toasted oats
Flaxseed or flaxseed meal
2 oz bittersweet chocolate (but only for shaving!)
"Each layer of this 5-layer dessert has an added benefit to keep your midsection trim."
Hahahaha. Shut up.
Aww. I don't want to unfairly target this blog, but it keeps coming up in my searches.
This is a "BIG bowl of cookie dough" made of... chickpeas.
Or white beans! You know, whichever.
o.O
Recipe contains:
Chickpeas (garbanzo beans) or white beans
"Nut butter"
Oats (or flaxmeal)
Does not contain:
Cookie dough
Baked Oatmeal with Blueberries and Bananas
Contains:
Blueberries
Bananas
Quick oats
You gotta get up pretty early in the morning to fool this girl... and to make breakfast.
This is breakfast. Not dessert.
can you say yum? (:
http://www.diethoroscopes.tumblr.com
Oof. There's a lot to break down in this photoset.
Let's start with the first image, which reads: "Half an apple sliced + 1/2 tsp cinnamon + 1/2 tsp splenda = It's like the inside of an apple pie. ~45 calories in total."
First of all, no it doesn't taste like the inside of an apple pie. It tastes like an apple with cinnamon & sugar Advanced Sugar Substitute (A.S.S.) on it. Second of all - HALF an apple? Seriously? Just eat the whole damn apple & skip the cinnamon and sugar. Apples are fucking delicious. But they're not dessert.
I'll give a pass to strawberries + RediWhip. Strawberries & cream (or, "cream," in this case) have a long dessert history.
Now, "20 grapes + 1/2 tbsp maple syrup = a sweet treat. ~70 calories in total." Just... what? Grapes and maple syrup? If the goal of this exercise is to teach you NEVER TO DO THAT AGAIN, then mission accomplished, I guess. But... still not dessert!
And the other items involve cucumber slices and rice cakes, venerated staples of assy diets down through the decades. Ugh.
1-Minute Berry "Ice Cream"
Contains:
Berries
"Runny honey"
Natural yogurt
Mint
Does not contain:
Ice cream
Also, "runny honey" is not anything I want to associate with my after-dinner activities.
