En londoner i ... rAndoM placEs

A work in progress...

[gadvide]

2025 Log - Update

It's been a while since I've logged into this.

Where do I start... I used to run to Tumblr when I needed to vent about all the isolated experiences I was going through in Denmark all those years ago.

It's been almost 10 years since I graduated and 10 years since I've been back to Denmark. I can't lie, it does feel like a long time has passed, you know sometimes when it feels like something happened yesterday. This doesn't at all, those memories feel so distant now. I guess because so much has happened since then.

My life since then has really just been work and my social project. And boy, by far, working in the UK has taught me the most life lessons. My last experience being the biggest lesson till date.

I'm attending a meeting with my former company in a few hours. I don't know how I feel, I can't say I'm nervous, but I'm aware it's unlikely to be a pleasant experience. lol - In fact, it's likely to be awful.

I haven't let myself dread it as much as I would naturally be inclined to though - it's just what it is. It is in God's hands now. I'm going to pray, and just leave it to God. I will say I don't think I've fully decompressed from my experience there, I'm not alone with that feeling either. --I guess it's made me realise just how off and broken some humans can be.

Other than that, I've had to let some things go. I've mentally stepped away from the project that occupied much of my life. It gave me a lot, so many experiences, I've met so many people I never thought I would but it's also taken so much from me and I don't want to keep giving to something that I can't take anywhere.

I've also come to terms with the fact that at this stage of life, if you can't show your worth, most people won't give you time. I've clocked that I've neglected investing intentionally maintaining friendships too.

So, now that I have this break, I'm going to finally work on letting go of all the BS I've internalised, letting myself breath and just exist for a bit before I move on to allowing my mind to work up something that will help me get to achieve the things I want whilst there is still time.

[gadvide]

My favourite Leonardo gifs. Blame the submarine. It was literally - submarine - titanic - titanic the movie avoid - watch Romeo + Juliet instead = damn, Leo was beautiful.

Sigh... I want this phase to be over very quick.

[gadvide]

Revolutionary Road is basically Jack and Rose after surviving the titanic, getting married and having kids.

[gadvide]

It's been a while chile...

Man, we had a good lil run of good luck and now it's gone and got tough again... I'm really drained and once again having to deal with snakey people with limited self awareness.

I know better, I guess, but it doesn't make it easier to deal with.

all I can do is try my best and hope really... I really hope it goes well.

[gadvide]

Crazy things & motive

Been gone for a while. ‘Crazy tings are happening’ in the words of Tems. 

I don’t really know where to start tbh. I can’t even properly process the craziness... but it’s the only real thing assured at the moment. 

It sounds crazy but in times like this the best thing to do is to stay positive and keep on. One thing I realised is I’m the ultimate champion of my life. And I always need to remember that. 

I can’t even count the things I have to do... I really can’t.. and my house is so full this holiday period I don’t have peace to operate or even think without some disturbance. 

My dream seems to feel further and further away and my fight is weaning. ... sometimes I remember the words of my old mentor ‘you drive your own destiny’. You know, so I can keep trying, that’s all I can really do at this point... to keep trying and keep hoping...that’s all I have. 

However it ends up I wan’t to make sure I have no regrets, that if it was a song I was singing that dug deep and I sang my heart out... it’s so tough when the motivation isn't there, and when the situation is so uncomfortable but what is a story without the trials. And I suppose, I’ve sang in the storm so many times before...

I’m glad I came here to vent. Because I really should just get up and start. I’m so thankful I was left with so many good words to get myself together again. Sometimes all it takes is a few good words.

[gadvide]

En londoner i ... rAndoM placEs turned 8 today! Wow a whole 8 Years lol

[gadvide]

Ag

It’s been a while. I’m kinda in the throws of trying to figure out what to focus on.

[gadvide]

Day 2

So I woke up early today. And got to work early for the second time in a row. 

I read some of the exam material on the train and surprisingly it was interesting and useful, however, my tired eyes could only manage 2 pages. 

Slowly trying to coach myself through my ocd tendencies. 

[gadvide]

Work diary 30-10-2018

Work diary 30-10-2018

 In office, …. When I talk about the cultural differences and “same” preference at work, a lot of people tell me… ignore it, rise above it. But it’s hard. I might be sensitive, I hear things, I hear people’s comments.

I just overheard a conversation between colleagues.

I don’t even really know how to properly express it but I’ll write an update on my way to the station.

[gadvide]

work racism - update 26/10/2018

So, I confronted my colleague after speaking to a bunch of people about it.

We went into a meeting room to discuss it after I turned to him and asked it....

“ can I ask you a question, why did you call me a rasta last week, and why do you keep saying wagwarn...etc to me...”

I reiterated my question.... and he immediately apologised.

He was very apologetic “ It is racist, and it isn’t right” - “I could tell you were annoyed” - “I should have apologised sooner”

I accepted his apology but part of me knows this isn’t the end. It might be my anxiety. I know that other racial groups have this understanding that it is us vs you guys. So, in his mind he may see this as a reason to be wary of me....

And being the only black person in the whole company... it would be too easy for them to take sides.

There goes my work anxiety... which is slowly chipping away at me.

I commend myself for my resilience so far though.

[gadvide]

work racism

How can you be a digestible... How can you make me feel comfortable with your difference. You should be grateful, your culture, more you’re language are not worth keeping.

Surely it was invented by the Romans, when Igloos are one of the oldest forms of arches dated. Because your excellence makes me feel insecure...

Really, it's a human thing, misery loves company is a way of life for some people and they live by it as firmly as a religious extremist. The fact is some people find it very hard to digest the very notion that there are people who have the audacity to dictate their own destiny and seek success outside of the 9-5 rat race.

Those who in many cases demand humility because it makes them feel uncomfortable. Particularly when it comes in the wrong shade. The truth is I've been a 'working' on this article for a while, much of the while has been spent asking around and prodding different people for feedback. I think push really came to shove when my new colleague joined, a London born, wm similar age.

I has assumed he'd 'get it', - and being... He'd not be phased, impressed or alarmed by my blackness... And it started that way. Until, the influx of a few too many What's up, yo yo yo (with rap hands) and wargwarns followed. I never played into it. To those who know me, I know that's not my character, not even around other back people. I attempted to ignore it on several occasions, hoping he'd get the message. As time went on, I noticed this odd facial expression whenever someone external would come to talk with us, I'm supposed to wbe helping him learn a few software packages so there is frequent interaction. I'm not sure what to call it but it always made me feel judged. .. As if he was discomforted with me speaking. Its difficult to explain. Granted that could just be me being hyper-aware.

But it always gave me the reason to be distrusting, when people are negatively discussing you and give code to each other as if it's some kind of tag team in belittlement. The straw that broke the camels back was when one afternoon he turned around to get my attention and called mea  Rasta, "hey ma rasta". I looked at him shocked and asked him what he called me and instead of gathering my annoyance he repeated himself looking me square in the face. I paused for a moment and said I'm sure you wouldn't like it if I called you leprechaun. Ive been mad at myself since that, I didn't address my disapproval then. I should have said, don't ever call me that again, please. My name is.... I stopped engaging with him for the rest of the day haven't outside of software questions since.

I'm still not sure with how id go about addressing it. At this point, it gives me more satisfaction ignoring his attempts at conversation. I suppose it dawned on me that, and he wouldn't stop... he's one of those people who are used to being catered to racially, eventually he'd push his boundaries, and dare I say go as far as the N word. The question is, what if I don't know what he expected of me, pander to his African American hip hop stereotype or the Jamaican stereotype.... For his entertainment am I supposed to pander to his profile of blackness? The irony is that I'm Nigerian.

[sodahan94]

[gadvide]

I love this art

[lltqyuna]

Yuna Kim : Reactions to Hanul and Dabin 💖 (PyeongChang 2018 Ladies FS)

[gadvide]

PyeongChang....it was truly wonderful!!!!

[gadvide]

This never ceases to make me laugh

[gadvide]

I really cant wait for the grand prixto  begin!!

The chopain returns!!

[gadvide]

Being a better person.

 Being the bigger person.

 Currently I’m in a scenario where I’ve somehow managed to piss off a few people. It’s funny because they range from family, colleagues to friends. I’m not sure how I managed to create such animosity, but there is clearly something I’m doing that doesn’t bode well.

 I tried to figure out why, and I think it’s partly because people have a lower tolerance for me. I genuinely can say that I have done nothing severely wrong to anyone. But the responses and reactions to me seem to differ.

 But, amidst all of this, I’m not going to respond with my usual counter friction. I’m just going to be kind back. Not to form friendships or what not. I just wouldn’t be able to communicate (consistently) with people who are going to be so volatile and easily offended. I suppose it’s more so to gain the moral advantage.

 It’s also been a whole month since I last heard from the guy I dated. Which adds to my current feeling of....’ omg I must really be an unaware shitty person’ HA! But yea, I’ve definitely got the message. It’s gonna be difficult but hey. Tis life.

[gadvide]

BIM Conference 2017