#69 - This grief that I am feeling
It’s been a year and a half since I last opened this site or at least since I last poured my emotions out here. I’ve been busy with work and my personal life and I never really got the chance to write. Well, I tried, but somehow it didn’t work. I don’t know maybe I was just caught up in too many things.
But today is different.
I’m so lost with everything. There are so many words I want to say, but I can’t or maybe it’s because I don’t really have anyone to talk to. Honestly, I don’t know how to handle the grief I’m experiencing right now. I’ve tried opening up to some people, but they don’t get it. They always say, “It’s going to be okay,” or “Give it some time.” I don’t know if it will ever be okay.
My dad passed away two months ago. I don’t have the words to describe the emotions I’m feeling. It all happened so fast and as expected, no one is ever prepared for it. I want so badly to be with someone who wouldn’t tell me it’s going to be okay, or that it will pass, or that I just need time. I want to be with someone who will just sit and listen and let me sob until I completely release the pain. It kills me.
Everything is different. The first night after I got home. The week of the funeral. The days after. The weeks. The first departure without my dad giving his goodbyes and reminders. The first night without the family. The days after, when I had to pull myself together and try to move on. The empty mornings. The afternoons without my dad asking if I’d already had lunch. And the lonely nights reminding us that we are no longer complete.
I tried focusing on work and going for stroll afterward, night after night until I was exhausted. I tried to be happy and act as if everything was normal so my mom and brother wouldn’t be burdened with my feelings. But the truth is, it’s still here. It still kills me. Everything reminds me of my dad; what I eat, the places I go, the things I do because I want them to eat the same food, visit the same places and do the same things I’ve done. But that will never happen anymore. Not with our dad.
Sometimes, without realizing it, something just snaps remembering his face, hearing his voice, remembering the things he used to do. I don’t know what to do anymore.
I pray to see him again, even though I know it’s not going to happen. I hope God gives me the strength to live every day.












