This is Gaeyl

Flawed and still worthy

[gaeyl]

#69 - This grief that I am feeling

It’s been a year and a half since I last opened this site or at least since I last poured my emotions out here. I’ve been busy with work and my personal life and I never really got the chance to write. Well, I tried, but somehow it didn’t work. I don’t know maybe I was just caught up in too many things.

But today is different.

I’m so lost with everything. There are so many words I want to say, but I can’t or maybe it’s because I don’t really have anyone to talk to. Honestly, I don’t know how to handle the grief I’m experiencing right now. I’ve tried opening up to some people, but they don’t get it. They always say, “It’s going to be okay,” or “Give it some time.” I don’t know if it will ever be okay.

My dad passed away two months ago. I don’t have the words to describe the emotions I’m feeling. It all happened so fast and as expected, no one is ever prepared for it. I want so badly to be with someone who wouldn’t tell me it’s going to be okay, or that it will pass, or that I just need time. I want to be with someone who will just sit and listen and let me sob until I completely release the pain. It kills me.

Everything is different. The first night after I got home. The week of the funeral. The days after. The weeks. The first departure without my dad giving his goodbyes and reminders. The first night without the family. The days after, when I had to pull myself together and try to move on. The empty mornings. The afternoons without my dad asking if I’d already had lunch. And the lonely nights reminding us that we are no longer complete.

I tried focusing on work and going for stroll afterward, night after night until I was exhausted. I tried to be happy and act as if everything was normal so my mom and brother wouldn’t be burdened with my feelings. But the truth is, it’s still here. It still kills me. Everything reminds me of my dad; what I eat, the places I go, the things I do because I want them to eat the same food, visit the same places and do the same things I’ve done. But that will never happen anymore. Not with our dad.

Sometimes, without realizing it, something just snaps remembering his face, hearing his voice, remembering the things he used to do. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I pray to see him again, even though I know it’s not going to happen. I hope God gives me the strength to live every day.

[gaeyl]

#68 - Confession

It's been a while since I blog. I got lost in process of fixing myself. I had no one. At least that's what I thought. Then I remembered, I've been trying to fix myself, trying to keep my feet on the ground, longing for support from people I once knew; then He reminded me that I am not alone. I was never alone. All those days I am being frustrated at work. All those days I am trying so hard to figure out my purpose. All those days full of questions and forgetting that I was never alone.

He reminded me that I need to trust Him; that I need to trust His plans for me; that I need to be patient. All those days I am frustrating and stressing myself over things out of my control. He was there. He is here, with me.

I lost touch with Him. And now I know, that this is His way of reminding me that He is always with me. Glorify and surrender everything to Him.

Lord, I thank you for not forgetting me, your little warrior who almost surrender her life to death. Thank you for reminding me that I have a purpose and I need to be patient as your plans are better than mine.

[gaeyl]

#67 - How can someone be mentally prepared for something that you didn't expect coming?

I’m trying my best not to feel or show that I’m exhausted to my partner, to avoid dramatic conversations that I end up suffering through.

I’m trying my best to put up and show my warrior side, when in fact I’m already troubled and crying inside.

I want him to feel that I’m at my best and that I’m with him with full support, when in fact I’m already crashed and broken.

I know there are many things we cannot control and that are beyond our control, but how can I at least be mentally prepared when they come unexpectedly?

[gaeyl]

#66 - I used to dream about coming back to this place. Taking a huge step forward and making sacrifices to reach this point. But everytime I look back, I feel lost and disconnected to someone I once knew, myself.

[gaeyl]

#65 - How do you know when it's over?

[gaeyl]

#64 - The most painful part is knowing what needs to be done, yet your mind can’t process it. Fighting your own mind becomes the hardest battle you’ll ever face.

[gaeyl]

#63 - I am worthy of it.

Coming back here, being with you again, reminded me of parts of myself.

Loving you has shown me how important it is to stay connected to who I am.

Being with you made me realize that love should allow me to grow, not lose myself.

I’m learning to reflect on what we have and what truly feels right.

I want a love that feels whole, steady and meaningful.

A love where I don’t forget myself, but become more of who I am.

If this love is worth it, then I shouldn’t have to change who I am or chase it. Love should meet me where I stand. I deserve that.

I want to reconnect with myself - with the things I love, the dreams I carry and the places I still want to see.

Let me do the things that make me happy again.

Let me rise as high as I can.

Let this love be free and let it grow naturally.

[gaeyl]

#62 - Not all blessings are in the form of money.

Being alive is a blessing. Being with the people we love is a blessing. A whole day of rest is a blessing. Even a cup of coffee is a blessing.

Focus on the good.

Be thankful, always.

[gaeyl]

#61 - One of those days

Dear Sunny,

It’s been a while since I last wrote to you to express myself and reveal my feelings.

I messed up these past few days. I made a lot of mistakes at work. I’m dealing with a lot of personal issues. My mom got sick, had surgery and still needs treatment. My head is loaded with worries and fears. I cry a lot. At home. At work. Alone. My depression is back. I’m having trouble sleeping at night. I’ve started to fear sleep, knowing I’ll forget for a while, only to wake up and face the same sh*t again. I don’t know what to do anymore.

It’s one of those days when I need someone beside me, someone who will tell me that everything will be okay, that everything will pass.

It’s one of those nights when I need a shoulder to cry on, someone who will listen to me until I unload all the burdens I’m carrying.

It’s one of those days when I need my best friend, my boyfriend, my family.

It’s one of those days when I need someone to hold on to, someone who will make me feel better until I find myself again.

Unfortunately, this is one of those days when no one is available. I have no one to talk to, no one to listen, no shoulder to cry on, no one to catch me when I fall.

Sunny, can I have you at least for a day? Can you be real, at least for a night? I don’t know how to go on another day without having someone beside me.

—

I’m so tired, Sunny. I just want rest from the pain, from the fear, from everything.

[gaeyl]

#60

The older I get, the more I realize I don't want to be around drama, conflict or stress. I just want a beautiful home, work that fulfills me, and to be surrounded by the people I love.

[gaeyl]

#59 - You can never fully know anyone, no matter how well you think you do. There will always be truths about them that remain unseen.

[gaeyl]

#58

I started missing the things I used to do, the people I used to speak with, the things I used to have and the space I used to get.

I'm starting feel suffocated. No room for mistakes. No room for learnings. No growth.

I'm tired.

I want something new.

[gaeyl]

#57

Better days are coming; I won't always wake up in the morning with a heavy heart.

I put my trust in You, my Lord.

[gaeyl]

#56

When the time is right, He himself will take and guide you there.

[gaeyl]

#55

She's guarded because she knows how it feels to get broken by the words of someone who was supposed to protect her.

She's guarded because love has done nothing but cause her pain.

She's guarded because she no longer wishes to place her heart in the hands of someone who is too weak to love her correctly.

She's guarded and you'll have to prove that you're worthy of her love and dedication.

The women with their guards up are capable of loving the hardest; have the deepest love to give.

If you are not ready to provide her with the type of care she deserves then don't waste your time trying.

The women with their guards up are worth the effort, we're worth the fight.

[gaeyl]

#54 - I can give nothing more than my best effort. I am not perfect, but I'm good enough.

Just the way I am.

[gaeyl]

#53

Everyone has a story.

Everyone has gone through something that changed them.