gajeong

[remixah]

darkest days series

[gajeongxah]

Gajeong looked out the window at the streetlights as they drove through the city. She didn’t dare to look at the man driving her. He was a music producer, one who had been in the business for over fifteen years. At first, she thought it was a professional meeting, she’d worn a nice button up shirt and a black skirt. She even curled her hair a bit to make a good impression. Her career was important to her after all. But after a little while, she suspected that they weren’t there to talk about her music. He asked her personal questions and gazed at her as if looking right through her. Although sirens went off in Gajeong’s head, she decided to remain passive and just wait until he dropped her back off at home. She answered him shortly and with little emotion. She didn’t want him to get the right idea. After all, she was only eighteen and he was thirty-five. She had chosen to sit in the backseat. He hadn’t said anything about it. They didn’t exchange words until he asked her if she wanted to see the recording studio at his home. 

“No, thank you. I need to get home. I have early training tomorrow.” Gajeong spoke firmly. She knew he was flirting, she knew it could be more forward, she wasn’t scared but she was grossed out. He persisted, and she grew more agitated. “I don’t want to go with you. Stop trying this.” He told her she was being ungrateful. “I appreciate the dinner but I don’t want to go anywhere with the likes of you.” He began to yell at her. “Just drop me off here. I know the rest of the way.” Gajeong feared any escalation would result in a bad look on her company. Might as well just leave.

He drove bit further and turned into a large parking lot. There were no other cars around. The building the lot belonged too was empty and barely any lights cast on the area. Gajeong knew where she was in relation to her building though. She was ready to leave the tense car ride, but the door was locked. She turned to him, he continued to berate her, telling her that young girls in the industry don’t make it far if they don’t learn to appreciate what is given to them. He left the car from his side and opened the door for her directly behind him, but he didn’t move to let her out. Gajeong tried to push past but he pushed back. Now it was getting scary.

Gajeong didn’t play weak or innocent, she never let her behaviour be governed by others, not fully. That’s what she learned while being picked on for her tomboyish nature as a child. They could hurt her physically but she could fight back, they could call her names but she could spit them back. There was no way she’d just sit back and take a beating without a fight. She had every right to yell and curse, and she did. She had every right to kick and claw, and she did. But Gajeong wasn’t stronger than a grown man, and she had no where to go, and she had no one to hear her. It was all in vain. 

He drove away, leaving her on the pavement of the parking lot. He’d taken her underwear, that confident that she wouldn’t tell on him. He’d be willing to keep evidence of his actions. She stumbled to rise. She didn’t know how she got home, she doesn’t remember going there, but eventually she was back inside the dorm. Her curled hair was all ruffled in the back, her shirt was done up by one button and barely tucked into her skirt. Thank God no one saw her as she returned in the night. 

It was 1am, Gajeong’s legs hurt, her head hurt. How could she have been so stupid? Did she really think her dreams would all come true after one nice business dinner? Never had she felt so powerless, and that was saying a lot. She was furious but her body showed no response, not even a frown. She could feel the walls growing thicker, Gajeong would not allow anyone to hurt her like this again. She’d be even more venomous, more unattainable, she’d cut people down at the roots so they never, for one second, though they could get away with taking advantage with her. All she wanted was a chance to show her art to the world. Gajeong had been told all her life that she wasn’t the right fit, and she had to fight every second of it to show them that she was worth respecting. She’d just have to keep doing it again and again. Again and again. 

[gajeongxah]

rinaxah‌:

“You could at least try and have fun, Gajeong. We should be appreciating the fact we get to do this at all. Conversations create bonds which lead to more sincere exchanges. Trust me, I’ve had enough boring talks with rich old men where I pretend to care and don’t. It isn’t nearly as easy as it looks. I do actually care what you all think about this. It only seems fake because we never say it anyways.” Rina crossed her arms, frustrated that she always had to be the one to give Gajeong the lesson in manners. The immature nature of her younger members was difficult to deal with. Especially since they seemed ungrateful for all the blessings the group had received. Perhaps she was ungrateful herself but at least she didn’t try to cast negativity to the others. 

Gajeong exhaled through her nose, a chuckle that almost became a scowl. “There you go. That’s a fun fact about you with some actual substance. Gotta love those rich old men...” 

“...I’m not going to pretend I’m feeling any sort of way that I’m not. Not when I don’t have to.” Gajeong shifted in her seat, punching herself for her moment of silence. 

[gajeongxah]

sakuraxah‌:

It didn’t get much sadder than Rina, Sakura, Faye, Kitty, and Gajeong sitting in a car together. The girls were in their morning clothes, ready to go to their first stage for Navillera. When Rina addressed her, Sakura brightened her eyes despite the disgust that surged in her. Why couldn’t they just sit in silence? But Sakura always planned her actions carefully to how others will receive them. Unfortunately, that meant responding to Rina to remain in good graces. She was rather neutral about Rina overall, if she wasn’t friends with Hyeyeon, she might even like her. Too bad.

“Ah, yes, unnie. I am excited to get my hair done today. Our manager says I can try space buns that are half up now that my hair is a big longer and fuller.” She hoped to be so boring in her conversation that Rina would just shut up. Then, of course, Gajeong had to chime in.

“Holy shit. You guys did it. You really did. You made this trip even more agonizing. Thank, God. I was almost unsatisfied with wanting to claw my own eyes out, now I get to want to claw yours out too.” Gajeong didn’t remove her gaze from the window. She felt she was talking without even thinking. She sat right behind Rina, in the perfect position to give Sakura the side eye. Most of the other girls she had learned to tolerate by now. But Sakura’s brand of kindness ha the slightest hints of manipulation and insincerity. Although the audience ate her up as though she was cute and innocent, Gajeong had been able to smell a rat since day one.

“Look, I’m not against talking, but if you’re going to do this weird small talk where no one actually gives a shit what the others are saying then why even bother?”

[gajeongxah]

fayexah‌:

“Hello, I’m Faye, also from China. We promise to work very hard and make music that moves you inside and out.” Faye nodded, her space buns threatening to come loose on her head. She wore a single large white shirt with black english words that she didn’t know on it. She would have asked Remi or Gajeong about it if her relationship was better with them.

“Hey, there. It’s Gajeong. I’m the main rapper and I’m ready to tell you all our stories through lyrics and rhyme.” Gajeong pointed at the camera, trying to keep herself looking feminine but cool. Basically every guy’s dream girl. Then again, they were all a dream girl in one way or another. How disgusting this whole thing was.

[gajeongxah]

hyeyeonxah‌:

“Yeah, duh. It’s our first interaction with an audience. I’m practically bursting. I just hope we don’t fuck it up.” Hyeyeon crossed her arms, looking directly over her shoulder at Gajeong. In the few times all nine of them had gotten together, it was always a fight in the end. They all saw each other as means to an end at best, not real friends. Hopefully this wouldn’t shine through on camera. They were already restraining themselves in the presence of a crew who was not used to the dynamic. 

The girls had been positioned carefully into their spots. Remi lay on the far right followed by Gajeong and Qinqin sitting next to them. Taesun was center as she was the leader and would introduce the show. Rina was on her left, then it was Hyeyeon, and finally Kitty lying down to mirror Remi. Faye and Sakura sat on the couch above them all. It was a slight nod to age, visual power, and predebut popularity. Hyeyeon had to admit that is was artful. She was put in a large hot pink t-shirt and little white shorts with a pastel pink robe that was silky against her skin. She felt like it kind of hid her well maintained figure but at least she looked cute. It also hid how tall she was compared to the other girls. 

“Let’s not get me in a bad mood then, okay?” Gajeong shot a glare back at Hyeyeon. She couldn’t help but respond, unwilling to take such words lightly. But she knew she was outnumbered. Rina liked Hyeyeon while Taesun was never on the side of the person who raises their voice first. The director cued them for one minute and Taesun shuffled back to her spot.

“Time for the greatest performance of our lives, ladies.” Gajeong nudged Remi next to her, hoping that the kid was at least on her side. All she got was a vague smile. 

[hyeyeonxah]

It was July, debut was once again within the reach of the girls with the company only wanting one more member. They’d just been shoving in any trainee that they could into the group and Lee Gajeong was one of them. She was a rapper and she was pretty but her attitude was nothing like that of an idol. She had no clue how to conduct herself. Hyeyeon disliked her almost immediately after Gajeong saw right through her fake-nice act and pegged her as she was, a mean girl. However, Hyeyeon knew the sponsor scene. From mid 2015 to the beginning of 2017, it was not uncommon for her to meet with a few regular men. They were all at least ten years older than her. She’d been highly desired for a while so it wasn’t a surprise. The company only expected her to spend time with them, like having dinner with a star, but she knew there would be more to it than that. The men gave a lot of money to the company, towards her future, and they frequently would use it to encourage more affection from her. Knowing it would complicate her career too much to fight them, she never said no. Hyeyeon liked to think that made her in control when, really, she couldn’t shake the feeling that she was a coward, and a dirty one at that. But, that summer night, when Gajeong returned from a meeting with a sponsor, of which Rina assured it could just be a casual and fun night, Hyeyeon could see signs of someone who did fight and had lost. Gajeong seemed unsure and uncomfortable when she returned home and, somehow, Hyeyeon could sense every emotion within her as she had felt the exact same herself. Gajeong seemed like the type to put up a fuss, maybe that was the problem. Still, this heavy suspicion prevented Hyeyeon from hating Gajeong despite the abrasiveness she continuously receives from her. 

“Gajeong-ah,” Hyeyeon was painting her finger nails a vibrant red in the living room as she watched a comedy show on the television. She was the first excused from the recording session as they found her parts to be in little need of work. Gajeong was next to return just half an hour after. Hyeyeon would try and use this moment to get closer to her, or at the very least, pry enough to have something to use against her if anything went wrong. “How did it go? You impressed them fast enough I guess?”

[gajeongxah]

She never liked Hyeyeon, not one bit. She was the exact image of those who would pick on anyone different from them. Gajeong could sense that she was always trying to manipulate the social sphere so that they all abided to Hyeyeon’s every whim. Gajeong refused to take part in it.

“Don’t try that fake shit with me, Hyeyeon. Just talk normally without all the sugary BS. Of course, it went well, I’m done, aren’t I?”

[gajeongxah]

fayexah‌:

“Uh, oh, okay…” Faye had mixed feelings still but she knew she’d regret rejecting it more than accepting it. Still, she could feel there would be moments where she wanted to bail out of the harsh critique of Gajeong. “I guess you’re right. Um, how about meeting here early tomorrow to practice? At 8am instead of 9am?”

“Yeah, perfect, fine. Glad you came to your senses. Now, hold it together until we’re done this practice at least.” Gajeong gave Faye a smile but her annoyance shone through. She then promptly headed back to her starting spot on the floor as their instructor called them off of break, ready to try again. They’d dance until their feet ached, became numb, and ached again. It was the routine, but it would pay off soon enough.

[gajeongxah]

fayexah‌:

“You’re offering to personally tutor me in dance? Uh, you really don’t have to do that if you don’t want to. I’m sure I’ll work it out. It just takes longer for me. Don’t trouble yourself, really, it’ll be good enough by debut.” Faye was uncertain about the offer. Gajeong was usually pretty cold and she wasn’t exactly comfortable making mistakes in front of her. But it was a rare friendly gesture from the girl, still, it could be meaningless and Faye didn’t want to be an inconvenience. 

“Of course I want to, that’s why I offered. If it takes longer then wouldn’t you want help? Don’t be so modestly over-confident and just accept my help, yeah?” Gajeong tilted her head, almost as if she was intimidating Faye to give her lunch money. Realizing her aggressive stance, Gajeong leaned back and rolled her eyes. “I just think that we gotta help each other pick up loose ends if we wanna succeed, okay?”

[fayexah-blog]

kittyxah‌:

Ugh, how mortifying. Kitty was among the best dancers in the group, one thing that she was actually secure about in the dynamic, and knew Faye as someone to struggle but a fall like this had never occurred. She resisted the urge to rub her elbow that had made contact with the ground as she suspected it would seem rude. Like her, Faye was quiet and tried not to stir the pot too much. But at least she was beautiful, talented, could write music, and be in touch with her emotions and secure with her body; all things Kitty could never achieve. 

As they walked over to their bags for break, Kitty found herself next to Faye still. She didn’t look at her while talking, not wanting to seem too forwards. Even though it wasn’t her fault, she felt the need to apologize to the younger girl. 

“Um, sorry about that. I wasn’t paying attention.”

“You didn’t do anything, unnie. It was me who fell into you. I’m just always forgetting that footing. Sorry.” Faye sighed as she took a swig of her water bottle. “I’m just not an amazing dancer like the rest of you guys, I guess. But I’ll keep working at it.”

[gajeongxah]

Gajeong approached the mousy pair. Faye was one of the smartest and most talented in the group but felt content making herself as average and unassuming as possible. Kitty seemed to think so little of herself yet spent every second trying to make herself better. They were annoying in their methods but she saw them both as sad figures who must have been put down to the point where they felt that they would never be enough. Faye was more tolerable to talk to so Gajeong spoke to her directly.

“Hey, don’t feel bad about that. It’s hard shit. If you haven’t picked it up by now, you might not in time for debut in two weeks.” Gajeong crossed her arms, not caring if she sounded harsh. “You know, I can just teach you personally. Our coach sometimes explains it weird and he can’t focus on individuals the same.”

[gajeongxah]

sakuraxah‌:

“Gajeong, I seriously want us to get along. Please, don’t accuse us all of being fake and then disputing the things we say genuinely. I do agree with you and I agree with Hyeyeon too. We all want to succeed so even in the times when we don’t get along, we shouldn’t let it show. But instead of being cold when there are no cameras, we should use that time to get better.”

Sakura put on her more sincere face. This time, her words were not lies. Although, she didn’t believe she could ever truly get along with her members. She’d learned long ago that pursuit of friendship only ended in heartbreak for her. So she’d read the room and pretend. A fake friendship was better than nothing. She would feel empty either way.  Ideally, all the other members of AriaHex would form real friendships and believe she was a part of the warm feeling too. They’d include her in things and speak kindly to her. It’d be almost like the real thing except she wouldn’t feel anything. Maybe because she was too disconnected with emotion, maybe because they wouldn’t actually be friends with her, just what she pretended to be. She’d never show her true self and so, even when she was loved, she wouldn’t really be loved. It was a paradox of wanting love but having to lose herself and her heart to get it so that she couldn’t feel it anyways.

She couldn’t decide if the words were true or not, so she simply stood from the table. It was easier than addressing any real feelings right now. Gajeong liked to keep it real but her real wasn’t mushy and she didn’t really know how to handle that type. She had finished her food anyways. She brushed off her jeans and coughed. 

“Thanks for the dinner, Faye. It was good.” Gajeong took her plate and dropped it in the sink on her way to her bedroom, hoping none of her roommates would follow. 

[gajeongxah]

sakuraxah‌:

She was completely right. Sakura found Gajeong often said what Sakura was thinking. If anything, she phrased it more kindly. Still, she despised her. Not only could Gajeong get away with saying anything she wanted, something that Sakura had repressed for years to stay likeable, but she still got to have prime roles in AriaHex. It wasn’t enough that she got main rapper, she got to steal position as visual over girls who’d been in the lineup longer, namely, Sakura.

“Gajeong is right. We need to really learn to get along as a group or we’ll never succeed. We’re always shutting each other out. We’d be much happier if we began to open our hearts to each other. I don’t want to be faking friendships instead of trying to create real ones.” Sakura furrowed her brow, lies falling of her tongue easily. She had no choice to fake it. Her real self was too dark and far gone. If she were to let it out, she’d lose her mind. So she’d continue letting her outside and inside be polar opposites forever. Why would she be her old self when nothing good ever came from it? Why would she be her true current self if it’d only make people hate her? Being synthetically perfect was all she could do. Face it, Sakura peaked at age 6. Everything else was just a pursuit of happiness, a vain attempt to fill a void within her. But, hey, she had to try, right? If it meant a chance at being loved again? Even if she didn’t believe she could feel it herself anymore.

“That’s rich. Faking that you don’t want to be fake. Either way, you’re right and I think you do actually agree with me so I’ll let it slide.” Gajeong crossed her arms, a sneaky smile on her face. she rarely called Sakura out especially in front of others, but her frustration was rising and her filter was even less there than usual. Maybe it was just habit to never believe a word Sakura said. But the girl had to be sincere sometimes, right? Gajeong was probably being too harsh. 

[gajeongxah]

hyeyeonxah‌:

gajeongxah‌:

Gajeong scoffed, the insincerity in Sakura was always laughable but the girl pulled it off so well. It was almost impossible to call her out without looking like the jerk. Instead, she simply expressed an obvious apathy to Sakura’s words. She only assumed it was fake because nobody could really truly be thinking AND saying the perfect thing at all times. If, somehow, Sakura were the perfectly kind and amazing person she presented, then she would have vulnerability. And yet, no one knew anything about her, she never talked about her past or her interests and she always agreed with others. A truly perfect person would have a mind of their own. Gajeong couldn’t help but believe that there was something under the surface. Whether Sakura was so insecure and unsure of herself that she didn’t want to be subject to criticism or if she was simply manipulating them all was a mystery. Either way, Gajeong didn’t trust her.

“My God, can we just have a normal ‘family’ meal, ladies? Without picking at each other’s flaws or something? Straight up, we’re gonna debut and have the most awkward dynamic and fail after one year if we act even sort of like this.” Gajeong popped a piece of food in her mouth, chewing with a grumpy expression. She didn’t care if what she said was too straightforwards and harsh. Everyone here always tip toed around stuff. She was right, why shouldn’t she say it?

“We’re good at faking smiles, Jeong-ah. I think you can tell that by now.” Hyeyeon raised an eyebrow. If Gajeong was going to keep it real, then she’d offer the same attitude back. “I think the one think we all have in common is that we want to do well. We won’t act like this.”

“Oh, cool, so we’re just going to be the group full of fake bitches who pretend to like each other? Instead of actually trying to get over ourselves and be legit? When was the last time any of you actually said what you were feeling?” Gajeong hated Hyeyeon almost as much as Sakura, at least the redhead had her moments where she addressed the truth. Still, the thought of living a double life by being friends in front of the camera then snipping at each other at home disgusted Gajeong.

[kittyxah]

sakuraxah‌:

“I think Kitty should be allowed to do what she likes with her own body.” Sakura spoke up, finding an opportunity to show up Hyeyeon. No one liked her anyways, but at least now Sakura could contrast her nastiness with words of wisdom. She knew just what to say. 

“But, Kitty, please treat yourself well. We can’t tell you what to do, your decisions must be made on your own, but remember the importance of health when it comes to success. We say this because we care.” She didn’t care. Kitty could starve and die and Sakura wouldn’t shed a tear over it. But the success of her members ultimately meant her own success so Sakura did whatever she could to put them on the path.

Although she appreciated Sakura’s words, she was annoyed by the continuation of the topic. All the older girls were elegant and the younger girls cute and fresh, most of all, they were all skinny effortlessly. Kitty didn’t consider herself any of those things. She was the unfortunate middle ground, she wasn’t the best at anything and, in her mind, that meant she was the worst overall.

“Thanks but I’m not a child, Sakura. I understand. I just…I don’t know what you guys want me to say. Why can’t we just continue without talking about this?”

[gajeongxah]

Gajeong scoffed, the insincerity in Sakura was always laughable but the girl pulled it off so well. It was almost impossible to call her out without looking like the jerk. Instead, she simply expressed an obvious apathy to Sakura’s words. She only assumed it was fake because nobody could really truly be thinking AND saying the perfect thing at all times. If, somehow, Sakura were the perfectly kind and amazing person she presented, then she would have vulnerability. And yet, no one knew anything about her, she never talked about her past or her interests and she always agreed with others. A truly perfect person would have a mind of their own. Gajeong couldn’t help but believe that there was something under the surface. Whether Sakura was so insecure and unsure of herself that she didn’t want to be subject to criticism or if she was simply manipulating them all was a mystery. Either way, Gajeong didn’t trust her.

“My God, can we just have a normal ‘family’ meal, ladies? Without picking at each other’s flaws or something? Straight up, we’re gonna debut and have the most awkward dynamic and fail after one year if we act even sort of like this.” Gajeong popped a piece of food in her mouth, chewing with a grumpy expression. She didn’t care if what she said was too straightforwards and harsh. Everyone here always tip toed around stuff. She was right, why shouldn’t she say it?