This week is a good time to abruptly change religions and alienate your family.
If you donât believe in ghosts, you will this week. Learn all you can about ghosts. Talk to people about ghosts. Impersonate the ghost of a controversial historical figure. Hide in the wall and spook your loved ones.
Live on the edge, Aries. Stop charging your phone. Cut yourself shaving and let it bleed. Answer every email âK.â Your newfound confidence and daring will spark jealousy and admiration in those around you. But you donât care what anyone thinks. You answer âKâ to emails now.
Itâs about time to admit that youâve been lying to yourself, Donna.
Itâs often helpful to remember to never give up. At anything. Eating an entire sheet cake on your own? Donât give up. You will finish it and sit dejected like the sack of excrement you truly are. Youâve ruined the birthday party, Gemini.
Your next set of directions on Google Maps will end in either great gin-inspired joy or terrible Cabernet-caused tragedy.
Iâve told you this before, but you look great when you wear the skin of your enemies, and even better when you wear the skin of your enemiesâ pets.
Drink more water. Than everyone. You drink the most water now. Assert your dominance. You are an Alpha Humanâ˘.
Take time this week to pick up a fun new hobby like competitive eating. Or competitive arson.
You will take a bunch of Meyers-Briggs tests an get a different answer each time. You will have an identity crisis. But keep in mind, personality is a social construct. If asked, tell people you are an ENFPQS84J.
The jig is up. This week, everyone will find out youâre a witch. You will not be burned at the stake or anything severe like that, but people will give you strange sidelong glances in the grocery store. Make the cilantro levitate and laugh to yourself. You donât have to hide anymore.
If youâre reading this, darling, know that I got your letter and I wholeheartedly agree. I was wrong to knock over the lamp at Sheilaâs daughterâs bat mitzvah. I hope you see this. I think youâre a Capricorn, if I remember correctly. You know how easily I forget meaningless details about astrology.
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