Bad Horoscopes Weekly

Your Weekly Home for Bad Horoscopes

[badbadhoroscopes]

you haven't posted in ages.. you okay fam? or did you die?

ascended to a separate plane of existence in September. have returned with even worse Bad Horoscopes™

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Carpricon

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Cappricarn

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Carpricon

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i'm a scorpio and i've a libra best friend. but for some months i can't stand her, like idk why.. please help me

If this were a good horoscopes blog, I would say have an open and honest conversation. However, being a Bad Horoscopes™ blog, I am legally obligated to recommend staging a loud and angry falling-out in a grocery store parking lot.

[badbadhoroscopes]

No but i just had this random thought, as a Gemini™, will i ever slay the karma is a bitch challenge? (Since we are known for being tWo fAcEd hOeS)

You will do what you put your mind(s) to, Gemini™.

[badbadhoroscopes]

What's a product placement though?

I don't know what a product placement is, but I do know that if you get a Casper® mattress, you can sleep on it and the answer to your question will come to you in your dreams within the first 30 nights, or your money back.

[badbadhoroscopes]

some advice for a confused virgo? 💚

Stay confused. Life's better that way.

[badbadhoroscopes]

Week of 8/13/18

AQUARIUS

I know you want to take a week off, Aquarius, but you’d be better off if you didn’t.

PISCES

Whatever you do, don’t forget to show off your umbrella to everyone. Open it inside buildings. Who gives a shit, Pisces?

ARIES

Your week will be like the dirt that collects under fingernails. I don’t have a follow up to this metaphor.

TAURUS

The McHoroscope for $1.99: coming soon to a Bad Horoscope blog near you.

GEMINI

You better get used to product placement, Gemini, because there is a lot of it in your near future.

CANCER

Do you think you’ll find love soon, Cancer? Are the planets and stars aligning perfectly? That’s just great for you. We’re all really happy for you. Really.

LEO

You’re just going to keep strutting your stuff, aren’t you, Leo? Even though the universe is telling you not to? The universe knows best, Leo.

VIRGO

Like an electronic billboard, you impress and also annoy everyone who looks at you.

LIBRA

Can you run fast enough, Libra? I’d start practicing if I were you.

SCORPIO

Those flowers will wilt soon enough, and you’ll be the only one to blame, Scorpio.

SAGITTARIUS

Run onto the fire escape and sing your face off, like any reasonable person would.

CAPRICORN

Have you spent enough money on accessories? Have you spent too much money on accessories? You should buy more accessories.

[badbadhoroscopes]

Fam I need a reading, Capricorn broken foot and I offer the wheezing of when it broke

Capricorn, next time you break a bone try fully screaming or total silence. Anything in between is a cop-out.

[badbadhoroscopes]

An advice for a stupid Gemini?

Good question. Let me know when you find some.

[badbadhoroscopes]

Week of 8/6/2018

AQUARIUS

Be careful the next time you drive, Aquarius, because you will certainly get profoundly lost.

PISCES

Don’t forget your upcoming appointment to have an existential crisis this week. Have fun!

ARIES

The cafe across the street has begun selling a mysterious hot liquid and calling it coffee. It’s delicious, but at what cost?

TAURUS

I have been collecting all of the t-shirts that you loved but inexplicably misplaced. I hoard them.

GEMINI

The ghost that lives with you probably doesn’t mean you any harm. Unless you keep forgetting to wash the dishes.

CANCER

Don’t be so crabby this week, Cancer. (Get it? Do you get it?)

LEO

I’d watch out for portals to alternate universes this week, Leo. Please don’t accidentally fall into one.

VIRGO

I have seen the future, and your upcoming haircuts are doomed. Doomed.

LIBRA

Aggressively shake everyone’s hands. All the hands. Shake them. First impressions are important.

SCORPIO

That person you have a crush on will probably soon be leaving Earth to live on the Mars colony.

SAGITTARIUS

This week, it may be beneficial to change your voicemail message to one of those prank messages. Trust me.

CAPRICORN

The song you have stuck in your head? It’s not a good song.

[badbadhoroscopes]

Week of  7/30/2018

AQUARIUS

Have you noticed yet, Aquarius, that the walls of your living room have begun to close in?

PISCES

In every situation, it is best to have the first 100 digits of pi memorized and ready to recite.

ARIES

Aries, the universe saw you riding that tour bus and knew you were ashamed.

TAURUS

SCALDING COFFEE VERY SOON IN YOUR FUTURE. BLOW DELICATELY BEFORE SIPPING PLEASE.

GEMINI

You will begin wishing irrationally for a chance encounter with a man-eating plant.

CANCER

Four words, Cancer: Deadly Game of Charades.

LEO

Give inspirational speeches with your mouth stuffed with donuts. It’s a power move.

VIRGO

This horoscope is not brought to you by a corporate sponsorship. Particularly not one of those online mattress companies.

LIBRA

Doors in your life are opening, Libra. But they’re all Norman doors, so they’re opening the wrong way.

SCORPIO

Sing loudly on the crowded train. Seriously. People want to hear it.

SAGITTARIUS

The library knows you forgot to return that book, and they’ve been watching you for all these years. Preparing.

CAPRICORN

Make too much eye contact this week, Capricorn.

[badbadhoroscopes]

Ok I have an Aries person who I need a reading for. He's loud, he's ginger and he has an interesting soul. I offer a nice warm cake, straight out of the oven.

I will accept the cake but I can only provide horoscopes to gingers with uninteresting souls. I will accept the oven too.

[badbadhoroscopes]

Could you do a reading On my Scorpio friend ravenwingshadow? I offer some fuzzy socks to keep your feet warm drifting through her hp obsessed blog.

Oh Scorpio, you and I both know that life is simply an incessant cycle of packing and unpacking boxes of socks.

[badbadhoroscopes]

I offer a gel pen for a reading of what my board tells about me. The gel pen is REALLY cool and worth it.

Dear one, you may want to go swimming soon but the water is filled with flesh-hungry beasts. A gel pen is not weapon enough to fend them off.

[badbadhoroscopes]

Week of 7/23/2018

AQUARIUS

Karma is the reason none of your binder rings close properly anymore.

PISCES

You will soon shower in the water that falls from air conditioning units.

ARIES

Aries, live your life like a video game character. Run aimlessly into walls.

TAURUS

You’ve been lied to, Taurus.

GEMINI

I am mourning the deaths of all the leaves of grass you’ve plucked from the earth, you monster.

CANCER

The knife falls. The bone cracks. Tonight, we feast.

LEO

Pulling the curtains down won’t fully hide your secrets.

VIRGO

I hope you’re not claustrophobic, Virgo.

LIBRA

Libra, I know you’re phoning it in, okay?

SCORPIO

When you wake up, you may notice that all the people in the photographs on your walls have slightly aged.

SAGITTARIUS

You will get the urge to eat all the frozen food in your house without cooking it.

CAPRICORN

Someone has written spells in the margins of your cookbooks.

[badbadhoroscopes]

Week of 7/2/2018

AQUARIUS

Is it possible to be immune to quicksand? You’ll find out soon enough, Aquarius.

PISCES

Run like the wind (bitter and stinging), or walk like an idiot (dumb).

ARIES

This week, the cat living in your building’s hallway will finally find its way into your apartment.

TAURUS

You may be doomed to wear wet socks this week, Taurus.

GEMINI

Gemini, this week will vanish as mysteriously as it appeared: on a small, weird boat.

CANCER

When the tour group passes, Cancer, don’t forget to wave and flash your bright fangy smile

LEO

You should do a lil dance. Like a square dance or something.

VIRGO

Remember. The. Alamo.

LIBRA

Remember the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, or the assassination of President William McKinley, but not both.

SCORPIO

Do a lil dance while reciting the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo.

SAGITTARIUS

President William McKinley has already been assassinated, so don’t even think about trying.

CAPRICORN

Push the next Aquarius you meet into some quicksand. They’re curious about being immune.