Galena ~The Witch~

The assorted ramblings of an anxious mess. Occasional information on Witchcraft, mostly Herbalism, Symbology and Hellenistic worship.

[galenathewitch]

Binary~

This weekend i had dinner with some old colleagues. During it the topic of gender identity came up.

THE DREADED TOPIC OF THE XXI CENTURY! *faints like an overly corseted lady*

The main topic was regarding a couple that decided to, on a gender reveal party, reveal their child as non-binary. All my female colleagues were outraged. Actually outraged, as silly as that sounds.

I have my own thoughts about it of course: i believe it is no different than forcing normative rules upon children when they can't even say their own names, both points cancel each other out in my eyes, therefore thinking about it is an exercise in futility, like an hamster running on a wheel until it tires itself out. Furthermore, as a childless woman approaching her 30s i feel it's not my place to give opinions on it - as our society so lovingly treats us as if we have little to no value i prefer to continue acting like the old crone witch i expect to become and let society eat itself up while i brew my teas and praise the Hellenic god in peace.

I simply do not care about making a stand either way. Still, if they're is one thing i do not condone is close mindedness. So it does make me feel like raising questions at least:

Why should they care? It's not their child. They might not agree but how does it impact them directly? It's not a human rights violation, it's not child endangerment...

Gender reveal parties are an absolute waste of time. Why even give it value?

Are they so outraged because they fear that their own children, hypothetically, will find it difficulty to deal with other non-binary children? Isn't that inputting your own morals on your children as well?

And when I thought the topic couldn't get more awkward... Someone suddenly states they "don't understand non-binary" and therefore it makes no sense for it to have value or even be considered a thing. (I paraphrase)

So...

If i don't understand mental illness does that mean it shouldn't be a thing? (it'd be nice if it wasn't but thems the breaks)

If i doing understand how the world can be round it shouldn't be a thing? Guess i found out how flat-earthers are born...

Just because you not understanding something it shouldn't make it impossible for others who do. Have your opinions but be willing to accept others as well.

Here is where i actually decided to explain what the concept of non binary is as factually as i was able. There was more confusion as I expected. Some more outrage as well.

I am in no ways an expert as i consider myself a cis-female and have no non-binary friends. What I do is roam the internet frequently. What i do is also study/research into anything related to psychology or brain development. What i do is listen when people talk and try to place myself in their shoes. And what i do not condone is unwillingness to accept that which is different. THAT i know the feeling of. It does not feel good. It does not feel right.

I also know what it feels like to not want to be a woman and to not be referred to as such. The weight of womanhood is one that is heavy to hold. I know how it is to be treated by when people don't know my gender versus when they do (business emails are one example), and how being seen as neither sex could prepare ease that burden. This is in no way my way of saying i understand what it is to be non binary but that i understand reasons why some people might navigate towards it

There was also then the discussion that "they" is not a correct pronoun. I won't lie... this one was when i cracked as the little grammar nazi i am and immediately went on a grammar testing moment. (Bear in mind none of us are native English speakers and there isn't a "right" word for non binary people that sounds correct in our language - latin languages can be a pain in that regard - this is not the case with Germanic languages though.

Fortunately outrage and confusion suddenly stopped as food was promptly served to the table.

If there's one thing we could all agree on, as latin blooded people, is that at least food is a good way to end conflicts 🍝🏳️

[galenathewitch]

I'm the love child of a narcissistic, possessive, verbally abusive father and an passive, emotional dumping, cynical mother...

And people wonder why i am mentally ill and turned to Witchcraft as a coping mechanism!

[galenathewitch]

Bitterness

Trigger warning: suicide, mental health

I smoked a cigarette alone.

I am not a smoker. I hate tobacco.

Nevertheless, I smoked a cigarette alone, of my own free will and volition.

I'm not entirely sure why I did it. It all started when I was looking for stockings. I always go to my mother's drawer for stockings as I have none of my own (I'm much more of a fan of thick cosy socks). I was looking through the mess of socks, trying to find one that looked decent - no holes (had no luck there) - when I found a box, a small metal box of cigarettes.

My mother doesn't smoke. At least not that I knew of.

I took two. Hid one in my tarot deck box and put the other one in my bag, along with the lighter I use for my candles and incense.

The urge to do it was just too overwhelming.

I went out to meet friends for Nanowrimo. We rarely write though. We are all too depressed, anxious or lack the confidence in ourselves to do anything other than try to meet our socialization quota imposed by almighty Lord Covid.

Didn't write anything as expected. But kept thinking about that cigarette for some reason. Eventually, I decided I'd smoke it on the way home. My friends don't smoke either and seeing me do it would certainly raise flags that something isn't right with me. I've only ever smoked in social situations - usually when I've had a few drinks - and only shared cigarettes, never had one to myself, never wanted one.

My friends know of my mental state, I've told them everything there is to know about my depression, about the suicidal thoughts I had last year - that still linger somewhere in my head - and yet I didn't want them to see me smoke... not entirely sure why I drew the line there. At least not by then I wasn't.

As I left I decided on the right path to take, how and where I'd take that smoke. It was dark already but I didn't care. I sat down by a fountain, turned on Billie Marten's soft tunes on my headphones and took the bloody thing out.

It was instinctual: lighting it, taking that first puff, holding it correctly in my hands. Like I'd done it a thousand times before.

It tasted disgusting. It was one of the worst smokes I ever tried. That didn't stop me though. It was like I was in this twilight state, this liminal space where reality is not quite real and I was not quite myself... it was nothing special and yet...

It was the first time I smoke a cigarette alone. I hate tobacco.

I'm not sure why people smoke nor were I sure on why I chose to do it. Maybe there's some Freudian response with sucking on the thing like you used to smoke on the primordial mother's tit. A sense of comfort from an acquired trigger. The only thing I could think of was how pleasant it was to see the smoke come out of me and float up in the air into the darkness. Like a part of myself was going with it.

A slow form of suicide.

Maybe it has to do with the bitterness of it all. As bitter as life itself, and yet it's MY choice to go through with it, it's under my control, unlike the rest of my adult life. It made me feel like an actual adult, much like the first time I realized dark chocolate was actually good, or that coffee would taste just as good without sugar or milk.

I was poisoning myself like I'd thought of doing before. It was less permanent, though. Fewer chances of regret, fewer chances of destroying my family and traumatizing my friends. That's why I took that smoke. Holding death in my hands and knowing I had a choice and yet the consequences would not be as harsh, at least if I don't continue the habit.

I don't know If I'll smoke that other cigarette yet. Perhaps it is a good alternative for less pleasant thoughts...

Is that why people smoke? Is that why my mother has cigarettes?

I'm not sure... all I know is that, at least, it inspired me to write.

[galenathewitch]

The Invisible Wall

It's interesting how long one takes to realize the true depth of one's trauma or mental issues.

Some things are always there, in the back of your head and you keep telling yourself "it's not THAT important" or "it's a minor thing, it just comes and goes". Then, all of the sudden, reality hits you at the most unexpected of times.

When you think everything is fine, and you are getting better... BAM! Here comes the realization that your problems are actually much worse than you ever allowed yourself to think. Sometimes it's such a small trigger too. Some insignificant thing you come across that shots you in the chest, like the kick of a shotgun.

For one moment your whole world gets turned upside down. You realize you've been lying to yourself so completely that you became blind to the thing that is starting you right in the face. The thing you thought was in the past, or insignificant, is actually a wall that covers your entire field of view.

...

I wish people took mental issues more seriously. much like some physical maladies, some things in your head can't be cured. You can either suffer a little more each day by pretending it's not real, or you can learn to live with it for the rest of your life because that wall might be mostly invisible but it's always there.

[bestyouuniveristy]

You haven’t messed anything up. You haven’t taken the wrong path. You haven’t sabotaged your destiny; you’re living it. All that you’ve endured was, and still is, a part of the master plan. Your impatience is a sign of your spirit drifting away; reel it back in. At times like this, when your mind is going off in different directions, stillness is the only answer to your questions. You’re being prepared for something grand, that’s why your soul has been put through one test after another. Raise your head to the sky and thank the universe for the blessing that’s coming; your time in the dark is ending. A new chapter filled with light, love, and abundance is about to begin .

[galenathewitch]

If this is not a sign from the Universe i don't know what is. Finding this right after my last post... It's things like this that make me certain that there is guidance to my path.

[galenathewitch]

Depression or laziness?

I've always been a huge introvert, antisocial even. I have friends and love to hangout with them but every single time i meet one of them i feel exhausted afterwards and i don't feel like socializing with anyone for a couple of days, sometimes a week.

Socializing exhausts me. I often even prefer to hang out with groups of friends, this way i can mostly listen in an only talk once in a while. Having to think of things to say is a tiring exercise. With some people it goes more easily but still leaves me feeling tired.

Then Corona happened.

If I was antisocial before now I'm practically a shut in. I can go weeks without leaving the house, especially since i now work from home. The only socializing I get is through Teams at work. And the less socializing i do, the less i feel like doing.

I don't answer phone calls, i ignore texts and messages for days, weeks even. All because i feel too exhausted to even care.

Almost everyday i get that nagging thought that I'm wasting my life... Yet i can't help but feel like this is more of a societal imposed idea than one of my own... Yet at the same time i just feel like I'm lazy.

It makes me feel worse about myself, and the worse i feel the less i want to do, the less i want to go out, the less i want to talk to people.

This is what depression feels like isn't it? I guess it's different for everyone though...

I work. I eat. I sleep. Sometimes i do something productive, something artistic or i learn something new. Other times i just watch videos and sleep some more. I'm constantly exhausted, constantly empty, in constant immobility.

I'm getting tired of doing nothing.

[kellyroman]

New piece I did today. Dedicated to a vertebra from a deer I found while walking up stream the other day. Decided to frame it with lesser celandine. There’s tons of it carpeted around my yard and they’re delightful little flowers. Really enjoyed making this piece. Prints will be available soon. 

Etsy | Website | Instagram: @kellyaroman 

[galenathewitch]

"Lesser Celandine" is many times considered a pest in gardens, as it spreads rapidly but I like to think of it like a plant that doesn't simply survive, it THRIVES. It spreads as far and wide as possible, paving the ground like little speckles of sunlight, sometimes in places where no other plants can survive.

In Herbalism, a cream made of the roots of this plant was said to help cure haemorrhoids due to them having the same appearance. Sympathetic association at work... also now you cannot "unsee it", sorry haha.

[source: "Death in the Garden - Poisonous plants and their use throughout History"- Michael Brown]

[galenathewitch]

XIII - Death

“Death” is the tarot card for both endings and new beginnings. Something ends so something new can start. And even though it sounds morbid, I think it’s a good symbol for the start of this page of ramblings.

I have no idea if anyone will read this, or even come accross it, but it doesn’t matter. I’m creating this for me, as a public diary of sorts. I equate it to writing your diary on loose pages and sacttering them around random places outside. Some people might see them, others might even read it, while most will either ignore it or not even notice its presence. And that’s all a-okay for me! At most its a good place to direct people I know to keep them updated on what’s going on in my head.

As someone that suffers from generalized anxiety (GAD) and occasional depressive episodes, sometimes it’s hard to keep track of my own mental state, and its even more difficult to share it with others, even if they do offer to listen. I think that’s mostly because its hard for you to understand it yourself and as a wise man once said:

«If you can’t explain it simply you dont understand it well enough.»

So this is my attempt to understand it, and to make others understand if needed be. And if even one person can read all my ramblings and think “wow, I’m not alone! There’s others like me...” then I’ve done something useful.

I don’t usually pour my feelings and what’s really in my head because 

I’m afraid of being judged, 

I’m afraid of creeping people out, 

I’m afraid of worrying or boring others with my problems (and yes, I’m afraid of many things, that’s why I have GAD). 

Yet here, on the land of the Triple W’s, I’m just a nobody behind a screen. Another collection of 1′s and 0′s coming together to create something somewhat coherent. I’m just Galena, The Witch. It’s a pleasure to meet you :) 

...

If nothing else it’s at least good writing practice.