Dumbass

The chronicles of a dumbass doing dumb things

[rowan-e-ravenwood]

So um

[gamer-gulls]

The Welsh National Anthem is just Men Making Assorted Noises

[wrenrouge]

[redthebitch]

G-Gay anime pig?

[gamer-gulls]

Ah, gay ghost ass :)

[lovelysuggestion]

each time I tell you those three words I mean them more and more

[jimmybuffetsmargaritaville]

I eat bugs

[gamer-gulls]

Yes, I’m homophobic.

Fuck homophones.

God said Adam and Eve not Sea and See.

[gamer-gulls]

The Good of Rome Chapter 1 Julius Caesar x Reader

I hate myself

You inhale. Some of the rising dust from the road catches in your breath. You exhale. You focus intensely on your own breath, the sound of people talking in the distance, the rhythm of hooves against the dirt. Distractions are welcome, your goal is to escape your thoughts. Eventually though, you must return to the inevitable. Grasping the hem of your tunic, you glance around nervously. He said he was going to be here. Where is he? You focus intently on an apple in a market stall nearby. 

The bright red exterior contrasts the dull, neutral colors of the Roman market. Amidst the various shades of tan and beige, a flash of purple and gold catches your eye. As the owner of the garment makes his way into view, you let out a breath that you didn’t even realize you’d been holding in. Relief floods your chest, along with a prickling feeling of excitement. You raise your arm to wave the toga-cladden man over to you. He sees you, and his stern expression softens. His piercing black eyes land on you, squinting against the sunlight and wrinkling at the corners in a smile. The corners of your mouth turn up on their own, and you’re unable to hide your joy at seeing him. 

What had started as a casual walk towards him turns almost to a sprint. The man spreads his arms the entire length of his wingspan, and you throw yourself into him. “Julius!” you practically squeal. He wraps his soft arms around you, and you rest your head on his chest. You feel it rise and fall with his breath and rumble as he chuckles softly. You look up and catch a glance of him beaming down at you. He quickly looks away, then breaks away from the hug reluctantly. A moment passes before he speaks. 

“So, I take it that you missed me?” he asks. The faint smile on his face poorly masks the sincerity behind the question. Your mind swirls with thoughts. You want so badly to tell him how painful the past several months have been. He forced his way into your thoughts all too often during his absence. Your excitement for life faded while he was away. You missed every aspect of his presence. You missed the compelling, confident way he spoke before the senate, and the sheepish smile he’d give you afterward, asking,“Do you think that went well?” 

You missed the way he could barely contain his excitement when giving you and his other friends gifts. You missed his constant energy, the powerful manner in which he walked, and even his inability to stand still. You notice it even now in the way he is leaning slightly towards you, drumming his fingers on the loose fabric of his toga. He’s waiting expectantly for an answer to his question, so you drag your mind to the present. No answer would sufficiently describe your emotions. You try your best to playfully say, “I’m just glad you’re alive,” but the way your voice breaks says everything your words fail to. 

“I’m sorry,” he says softly, almost to himself. He raises his voice and regains his confidence as he continues to speak, “but I had to fight, and you know that. I had to lead our people into battle for the good of Rome!” The last part is nearly a shout, and catches the attention of others in the crowded marketplace. There are a few cheers, and some people echo back to him, “For the good of Rome!”

[gamer-gulls]

The story of my marriage in Skyrim

So, I recently experienced a series of events in Skyrim that motivated me to create a tumblr account just so I could share them. So strap in, it’s gonna be a doozy. (If you don’t feel like reading this novel of a post, just scroll down to the last two paragraphs, they pretty much sum up the whole story. But I personally recommend you get the backstory as well.)

It all started when I was deciding who to marry in Skyrim. I had just murdered my previous husband, dragged him into the lake, and gotten myself another amulet of Mara. (Yes, I did feel insanely guilty for doing this.) I had narrowed my decision down to the furries Companions, but it was still hard for me to choose. I furthered narrowed my choice down by the extremely important factor of how hot they were. When I narrowed it down to Aela, Farkas, and Vilkas, I ruled Aela out because she was simply not thicc enough. So, I had it down to the brothers, but I couldn’t for the life of me pick one. 

I lamented this choice for hour. Just one. How does one decide between an intelligent, eloquent, confident warrior, and Farkas? I weighed in my mind the personalities of the otherwise identical brothers. Finally, the answer was as clear to me as it probably is to you. I chose the superior brother, Farkas. I couldn’t resist his blatant stupidity, lack of emotional intelligence, and violent tendencies. In all seriousness, I found him absolutely adorable with his puppy-like personality. I also have a thing for dumbasses.

So, the decision was made, I talked to the dude at the temple to Mara, and the last step was to attend my wedding. This is where the true fuckery began. You see, when choosing a dumbass to be my husband, I failed to foresee the full extent of his dumbassery. I’m sure the incidents that follow were all the result of the hundreds of mods I have polluted my game with, but I’d love to imagine that this is all just canon how Farkas is. 

I arrived at my wedding, everything seemed normal, my groom was there, along with three random people I didn’t remember ever helping. It was perfect. The cutscene began, and the ceremony commenced. Then, halfway through the cutscene, after we had agreed to marry each other, Farkas fucking turned around and left. He didn’t say anything, just casually walked out the door. Through the varying degrees of “what the fuck?” in my mind, I came to the conclusion that either my game glitched and he left prematurely, or he was too dumb to understand that he had to fully attend his own wedding. 

After the cutscene ended, I went outside to see if I could find him. I assumed he was making his was back to Jorrvaskr. Oh boy, I was wrong. I couldn’t find this bitch ANYWHERE. I looked through Riften, scoured the path from Riften to Whiterun, and looked everywhere in Whiterun. Forkass was nowhere to be found. At this point I was honestly offended. I was losing my grasp on reality, thinking, “did this mf really flee skyrim just so he didn’t have to marry me?”  Distressed as I was, I had to get on with my life and save Skyrim. I tried to marry Vilkas, but the game wouldn’t let me. 

I proceeded with the main quest, along with doing some smaller side quests. Now, I’m not too big into roleplaying in games, but I’d imagine that these quests would have taken my character at least a few months. (That’ll be important later, just keep that in mind.)  At one point, I needed to turn on quest markers for the Thieve’s Guild. When looking at my quests, I realized that I could turn on quest markers for The Companions, and it would mark the locations of Vilkas, Aela, and Farkas. When I turned my quest markers on, Vilkas and Aela were in Jorrvaskr as usual, and Farkas was in some random fucking location between Riften and Windhelm. 

I rode out to go find my missing dumbass husband, and when I found him, I had to pause my game to cry laughing. This dumb bitch, the motherfucker, this absolute fucking walnut was standing in the middle of the woods, with his face directly up against a tree. If he moved any closer to this tree, he would be inside of it. When I approached, he turned to me, half of his face clipping into the tree, and said,"Married. It isn't what I thought it would be, but I'm happy.” WELL YEAH, NO SHIT IT WASN’T WHAT YOU THOUGHT IT’D BE. YOU LEFT HALFWAY THROUGH THE WEDDING TO STICK YOUR FACE IN A TREE. I DIDN’T THINK IT’D BE LIKE THIS EITHER.

After that situation, I told him we would live in my house in Falkreath. He told me he’d meet me there, and promtly went to Jorrvaskr. I told him to follow me, fast traveled to my house, walked inside, and dismissed him from following me. Thankfully he stayed at my house from that point forward, but he has yet to figure out where the beds are and he hasn’t slept through any of the nights I’ve been there. 

Earlier I said I don’t lose my mind over roleplaying in Skyrim, but I couldn’t help but put myself in the shoes of my character in this situation. I mean, Imagine: You’re in love with Farkas, and he admits to being in love with you. You agree to get married, and you couldn’t be any happier about it. You show up to your wedding, everyone’s already there. Then, during the ceremony, the absolute oaf turns around and walks out the door. You run through the streets of Riften looking for him. (At this point you’re well acquainted with his stupidity, you’re thinking he probably forgot he was at his wedding, left, and got lost on his way home.) You search the path back to Jorrvaskr. You search the whole city of Whiterun, yet your love is nowhere to be found. You must accept this truth, and reluctantly you move on with your duties as dragonborn. (Just forget that I tried to marry Vilkas it’s not important) 

You spend months bettering Skyrim. You fight bandits, dragons, the undead, and all types of ill-meaning foes. One day, you’re on your way back from an adventure. You’re taking a shortcut through the woods, and out of the corner of your eye you see...him. You rush towards the man in the woods, wanting to be sure of his identity. Yet, deep down you know. You know it is your long lost husband. How? What other man but Farkas would be standing in the middle of the woods with his head pressed against a tree. You call out to him, tears in your eyes. He turns to you and says, "Married. It isn't what I thought it would be, but I'm happy.” You beg him to come home, after leaving your wedding and spending months lost in the woods with his face against a tree. He obliges, but is too dumb to get to your house, and ends up at Jorrvaskr. You try again, this time personally escorting him to your home. He smiles at you, and warms his hands a bit too close to the fire. You spend the next few weeks in bliss alongside your husband, even if he doesn’t know how to sleep in a bed yet. He’ll figure it out eventually, and for now, you’re happy.