My breastfeeding journey for you is coming to an end…it wasn’t without a fight. I provided you with breastmilk for almost 13 months even though we had to supplement. My milk aided you through covid, many common colds, and teething. It provided you comfort during those early morning wake ups. And while I wish I could have provided you more for longer, mommy hung in there the best she could. It wasn’t for lack of trying…my body produced what it could, using the resources it had. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to give you more and for longer. I love you so much my sweetie boy. Mommy loves you so much. I will never forget the tears I cried at six months postpartum when I started my period again and my milk supply began to dip. It was like a personification of my failure. Of how I failed you. Feeding you with my milk has been one of the greatest joys of my life. But it also came with great difficulty. Sitting there for atleast 3.5-4.5 hrs a day to pump 21oz at best, and sometimes 6-10oz… dealing with DMER… being unable to pick you up because I was pumping, even though you were crying, being unable to be the one that sets you down for the night because I needed to pump, all that time away from you so that I could provide you with some form of my milk… in hopes that it helps optimize your development… I hope that you see Mommy’s sacrifice as a worthy one. I love you so much, my sweet baby boy. There are so many times after a pump that I was told “that’s all you got?!” With the subtext of “why do you keep pumping?” or “just stop pumping already , you don’t make enough anyway..” but each time my people-pleasing self pushed back, for you. My breast-feeding journey is coming to end for our chapter here but my love for you has just begun to blossom. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you more. I really tried. Mommy really tried.. I hope that one day you’ll understand that, and I hope that one day I’ll look back on this chapter and at myself with kinder eyes. I pushed through because of you. I pushed through because I wanted to, FOR you, my sweet son…my smiley boy…the sweetest, kindest, most cutest, lovely, amazing, so-worth it baby boy. I love you. Mommy loves you. Forever.
we promised ourselves to do a pro/con list so here goes:
-milk for bb (duh lol). Optimal for his brain devt, provides antibodies/defense
-close connection and bond with bb
-helps me feel like a mom
-convenient for feeding/comforting
-DMER/debilitating, make you sit down, make you lose your appetite (only drinking water helped) type of sadness
-discouraging low yield/bad for morale
-less time with bb, no wind down opportunity unless planned for
-can’t comfort/pick bb up
-inconvenient for time and space/storage and refrigeration
All in all, you tried your best. Even when things were excruciatingly difficult and even painful, you persisted for your son..what a good mama you are. You’re already showing up for bb; that’s what counts. That’s what he will care about. He will see your BF journey not as your low yield, but as your persistence despite your yield..all for him. Or frankly, he might not care hahaha BF has been such an emotional journey from start to finish. From the cluster feeding that second night every 45 min, to the lactation specialist, the lactation cookies, the 3 different pumps, the cracked nipple and nipple creams, the different flange sizes…the supplements and drinks/foods…you gave it your best shot. The pumping 8x a day…to power pumping more times a day than you probably should have and then quickly learning the lesson lol…having the clogged duct the 2 time that was seriously painful. You tried your best. Even though mom told you to stop pumping every chance she got, your inner mama bear said absolutely not. You did the best by your baby with the time, energy, and resources you had. You’ve tried your best and should be so proud of yourself. Even if your son won’t see that one day, you will. You will look back and be amazed at your persistence, your resilience, and how far your love for your son would take you.
You’ve done so well. Now, give yourself permission…I give myself permission to stop pumping, without any guilt, shame, resentment, or negative emotions. I’m grateful for what my body was able to provide for my baby. My body has done so well and i am proud of it. I give myself permission to reclaim my body as my own. I give myself permission to nurture and grow my relationship and bond with my baby outside of breastfeeding.
Thank you, breastfeeding…for pulling me out of darkness in the weeks following birth when the world was dark and I had not yet found my way to my son…thank you for cracking open that light and showing me what a beautiful bond I could have with my baby boy…that my baby boy wasn’t trying to be difficult or overstimulating to me, he was seeking me for comfort, a comfort only I, his mommy, could give him…the countless nights I sat in that rocking chair, petting my baby’s hair, fixing his ear folds, studying his profile…precious moments forever etched in my memory…sweet memories with my special boy. Thank you, body.
vaporwave
turnnoffyourmind
izzy806
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