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[gaybloom-blog]

I love where i come from.

I found purpose again. wow. im so happy i met this person. i have to wake early for class. but i just want to say that im fortunate to have grown up the way i have. im scared to wake up and not feel this way again. i dont want to be depressed anymore. i just finally understand where i come from. My cousin always told me when i go to college im going to realize alot of things. yea i knew what to expect. I just kind of didnt realize it yet. I dont know how to explain it but wow i cant believe ive been so stupid my entire life. All this time i have done things this way because i felt i needed to. Now i realize why my mind has done it for me. i didnt want to end up like anyone from my family. but i never wanted to leave it. I never want to forget where i come from. Its amazing to finaly realize how blessed i am. I love my family and the oportunities they have tried and worked so hard to give me. I love all people. anyone in the struggle just remember your not alone. I have always felt that way but damn was i wrong. i didnt meet somone who has been through what i have. but i know others out there have. I love your courage. I was about to fuck up my chace thanks to this depression but i need to get over it and i declare today that i am over it. fuck this! im gonna keep my head up. I dont care about the things that have held me back. im only looking forward now. I love you family. I will never forget about you. i wish i could see yall right now so i can share my new look on life. wow. i just dont know how to explain my new realization. I wanted so bad to leave my sitiuation at home and now i am. but i wish i would have appreciated that time. i need to call everyone one and let them know i now know. Pedro you are a fucking inspiration. I want to make you all proud of me for me. I love all people. damn if your in the struggle keep at it. worry about what you are doing for yourself. keep up the hard work and do what you do man. its important to leave the struggle sometimes. i dont want yall to think im gonna be different fom yall. im still with yall. i am what yall. one love to all yall. one. peace. i love it all. good people man. i can now fully appreciate all the music we listened to together. now i know how yall feel about me being here.

[gaybloom-blog]

Where do I belong?

Im always knew there were people in the world that had more than I did in an economic stadpoint. I just never met very many. Now im being exposed to many. I guess I have always been trapped in the small world of where I grew up. My parents always told me about how dangerous the world it. I never really cared. I thought if I just keep my grades up in school and have my priorities right, ill move on from where I lived. Im beggining the transition now by attending college. It still makes me feel very underpriviledged when I go into another dorm and they have game consoled or food in their "pantry." I dont put very much value in anything. I dont have a lot of things because I dont feel I need them. Maybe thats my problem. Maybe I grew up to only think about things I need. I feel as though this is bad. I can help but think what people think of me now. I remember my cousin telling me "your and inspiration to me because you never cared what people think about you in school." I never knew what people thought about me. Could it be that I expressed my poordom in school and I was too foolish to see it for myself. Did everyone know? Is that what people think about when they meet new people? Ive never talked about the things I have. I like to build relationship by sharing hardships. Maybe I just have a negative outlook on life. Im sure everyone goes through hard times. Its what we all have in common as a Human race. The only difference is that I have never been ebarrassed about my economic status, but now I feel as though I should be. That is how other people make it seem. Everytime they talk about the enviroment they grew up in, I can not relate. Or if I do, I will get the same reaction. They are amazed at what I experienced. I view their life as normal, but they dont view mine the same. Why is it so hard for me to make relationships with people who have had more than I do. Could it be my ideas of value. I only care about the person and how they are doing. I care about how they are doing, not what they have done. But most people share experiences in converstaion while I have none to share. What do I talk about if i didnt have the resources to experience any of those things? I feel alone and left out. I dont have anything intresting to contribute to a conversation. I am now wondering what people think about me when I dont have an intresting story to talk about. How is it possible that I did nothing with my time. Maybe its because I had little friends. I wonder why I had very little friends though? This sucks. I guess the solution would be to make things happen with people. Do things. The only problem now is that I dont know how to act around others. I dont know how to fit it because there are no pieces of me I can fit. The more I write the worse i begin to feel. Maybe this is why my mind has chosen to blind me to the realities of life. The realities being that everyone has certain standards of living. I had no standards of living. Just standards of survival.

[gaybloom-blog]

Met someone that was like me!!!

It is so weird that the day I talk to my boyfriend about my identity crisis would be the same day I grow the balls to talk to someone and tell her I am gay and then find out she is gay! How coulds this be?!! Im really happy I met her because she understand how I feel toward the gay community. She was real with me and told me that it will be harder for me because my family would kick me out if I told my dad, but I believe this is a step forward. Lesson learned! Find a reason to talk to someone. Then bring up something that will let them now you are gay. Now we are making plans to go to a glbt resource my college offers. Also, my bf told me it would help to see a therapist. My entire 18 yrs of existence have been a cover up. I followed so called "straight" behavior and I have lost sight of who I am. http://psychcentral.com/lib/2010/when-your-son-thinks-he-is-gay/ Follow that link and it will basically put my situation into perspective. I lost sight of myself and it has led me into depression. Now I am always sad. I am busy with school so finding out who I am and making up for lost time will take some time management. I have exams coming up and this should not be something to distract me but it is. I am up for the challenge. I hope I succed.

[gaybloom-blog]

What makes me different?

I am an Hispanic. I was born and raised in Houston, Texas. I attend Texas A&M University in hopes that I graduated in a bachelors degree in Computer Engineering. Oh, and I am a homosexual. Many people go through life having to accept their sexual orientation. I am no different. The only distinction between me and certain groups of homsexuals is the fact that my family will not accept it. I came out to my mom. She, of course, said I was confused. Typical reaction. While I cried terribly she tried to figure out what was wrong with me. "Is it a girl...no...did you do something bad...no( or so i thought)...is it drugs. because if it is, we can move pass it....no. Then what is it." She deduced, after I told her I was not like other guys, that I was talking about being gay. Her reaction scared me the most. Doing drugs or breaking the law was worse than being gay. She warned me not to tell my dad. We would get through this phase together. I know it is not a phase. I was not going to be accepted in my family. My mom is trying to protect me. She does not want to see her son living in the streets. How could I possibly tell my dad? How can I risk living on the streets with no place to go. ~So thats my life as of now. I am hiding who I am from my family and have been doing so since I was gay...my whole life. I come from a family that knew riches, but fell to extreme poverty. I will never forget the days we would cook food outside with a fire from the wood I had to collect. And the cold showers because we had not heat. The freezing winters living iside a broken trailer with no insulation. I know poordom. I am now greatfull for any little thing I have. I am also extremely sad. The only problem is I dont know why. It would seem obvious to other why I could be sad, but I can never accept it. ~In the day of my youth I can remember my dad being a drunk since he had money from his adventrues in Mexico. My mom raised me. And I remember days when he would hit her. I remember days when he would break all the doors in the home out of anger. I remember my olderst sister being preganant at 17. My other sister pregnant at 16. Now my younger sister pregnant at 14. I dont know why my family is this way. This is how I was raised. I dont like to see myself as different than anyone. I want to be like everyone else. I dont want to have to think of these things. It kills me when I get a phone call from my younger sister crying saying my dad is drunk again. He has gotten better over the years. Maybe he got tired of it. Or maybe he finally gave in to his son's hate for when he drinks. I am his only son and heir. He has many daughters in Mexico, but I am his prized possesion. Even if I wanted to tell him I was gay, I could never hurt him in that way. I understand because it is the typical Mexican culture. He stoped attending school in the third grade to work. He doesnt understand life any different. Just like I dont understand myself. ~I wish gay people around the world could see me as an inspirational person. And have someone to be their role model. Its what I want. Someone to look up to. But trust me when I say it is hard to find someone to relate to simply because if they are like me, they are in the closet. I will soon get over this sorrow; everyone gets through their problems sooner or later. My time has not come yet. ~This tumbl will be my testimony. I hope that one person gets to read it when I finally am able to look past my problems. Hopefully my story will not have to be long. If given the choice, I would choose to finally be happy tomorrow. But we will find out.