Personal insecurities can cause a great deal of pain to us. I have insecurities that are rooted in my childhood and the way I was raised, and in my interactions with family who were absent or often rejected my accomplishments. These might sound like excuses, but they give insight into the ways in which I react in certain situations today.
In hindsight, I have been able to handle them well, and I pride myself in my intelligence and ambition, and smaller things - like the fact that I am well-read (though not as nearly as I want to be!) and curious. But with insecurity, there comes a voice that tells you that you are always lacking, or that you could never possibly be good enough.
My insecurity is projected onto my relationships, and it can be distressing. There is a fear of abandonment, of the other party realizing that your flaws are a dead end, and that they must leave and seek something better. When I get close enough to a person, this kind of feeling begins to emerge. But they are false impressions. They are rooted in your past, but they are not your present. The present is where you are now, and you still have the ability to shape your future by modifying your approach to the present, and staying mindful.
I have gotten to the point with R where I am finally able to talk more about how my insecurities affect me, and how they might reflect on our relationship. Sometimes I can be jealous or needy, but I know now how to check myself. If they haven’t given you any reason, feelings of doubt stems from yourself, not your partner. My insecurities are not my partner’s responsibility.
We are responsible for our own emotions, our own actions. Like Viktor Frankl writes in Man’s Search For Meaning, we may not have control over the things that happen to us, but we have the ability to control the way we react to events. We have the power to reshape our thinking. I think the SO who is dealing with an insecure partner must also offer reassurances, but not to an excess. Your LDR partner is with you for a reason. They choose to be with you because of the love that you share.
I am lucky enough to have a partner that is thoughtful and empathetic, and incredibly patient. She tries very hard to understand me. I try to look deeper, to explain why I sometimes experience moods that she is able to sense. R says she knows when I am moody, grumpy, or unhappy with something. I told her, “You see the bad and good of me,” to which she responded, “I only see the best in you.”
It moved me a lot, when R said this, because I think we don’t always see it. But the fact is, we always see the best in our partners. To change is an active process, but one that we must engage in to fully experience both the positives (and sometimes negatives) in our relationships. Communicating how you feel is key to lasting in a long distance relationship, and R and I talk with each other every time to clarify and understand.
Managing your insecurities can feel like a lot, but it’s something you need to do to thrive. I combat these thoughts often, and make small attempts to change the way I view myself without becoming defensive or seeking reassurance. This is my problem, and not anyone else’s. This change doesn’t come overnight. It is an active process.
Because R is worth it. I am worth it. You are worth it.
R says I’m her everything. She accepts everything. So I accept it too. I gave my heart to her, and with that, comes honesty and truthfulness about every aspect of who I am.
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