goldenhand the just

“Two swords would be even better. One for the wench and one for me. We’d die, but we’d take half of them down to hell with us.”

[gcldenhandthejust]

oftrth·:

she couldn’t understand why she didn’t feel–  herself. she felt more tired- she ached everywhere. she felt her moods shift. even this morning, she found herself yelling at a poor squire just for bringing her the wrong thing for breakfast. what was wrong with her? she rubbed her lower back slowly as she looked at him. she heard the shuffling of the healer’s feet leaving the room as she lowered her plain shirt, hiding the ever growing bump on her belly. she still thought it was just from eating too much. when she saw the tears fall from his eyes, she felt her heart be tugged in so many directions. she wanted to hold him, tell him everything was alright– but at the same time– she was glad to see him cry. to feel the same pain she did. 

“now you cry.” she huffed “you didn’t cry when you left me standing in the snow crying. i almost let myself freeze to death, you know…. but i didn’t. i pulled myself back together and i hated you— oh—- i hated you so much.” but not for long… she could never hate him for long. “because you were just what i was afraid of. taking my maidenhood and leaving. leaving me to ache from soreness and ache for a broken heart.” she wandered over before she grabbed his hand, only to squeeze broken bones. she was pissed. “he did. and you have no right to say such when you broke my heart like the stone broke your bones.”

--- jaime could not recall the last time that he’d endured such extensive physical pain. the EMOTIONAL pain he felt was customary. he’d grown so accustomed to being mentally battered and bruised, that while it never stopped hurting, he did become used to it. the same could be said of the physical, to some extent, he was willing to concede. but the last time that he’d felt such intensive agony in his nerves was when his hand had been chopped off. in his nightmares, he could still hear brienne coaxing him to LIFE with her words. what are you doing? she’d asked him, as they’d sat around a fire. his eyes were drooping at the time, and he’d refused to eat even a single bite of the stale bread that they’d been given. DYING. the man sure had felt that way then. NO, the strongly spoken reply had been given by his protector. you have to live. 

only brienne of tarth could convince him to live. it was CERSEI who prompted him to die, even if her commands could be placed under the guise of his protection. his sister sent him on countless missions that resulted in his capture, maiming, and emotional harm. jaime did his best not to admire her, through the sheen of his tears, as she changed and moved towards him. the woman always managed to leave him without the proper words. no words were good enough for her--- a whole new, perfect language would need to be invented, and even then, all of its descriptors would necessarily FALL SHORT. jaime swallowed again, as brienne detailed how he hadn’t cried in the snow. i wanted to, he thought, but he did not give voice to this thought. he’d had one goal--- and tears would have prevented him from achieving it. “brienne, i am... i am so sorry for leaving you in the snow. i should have returned to our bedchamber with you. it was the only true place for me. i see that now. i always should have seen it.” she’d hated him. she deserved to. he knew that. it didn’t make the pill any easier to swallow though. “i am deserving of your HATE, my lady. perhaps never of your love. but i do, you know--- i love you.” none of the moment was RIGHT. he should have told her prior to their first coupling. he should have told her prior to the battle of winterfell. he should have told her before he’d taken her to king’s landing for that first and only time. “you are right. i became everything that i swore to you that i would never be--- i was no different from the lot of horrible men that you were afraid of.” 

jaime hated himself for being THAT. he hated that he’d slept with her, and then abandoned her after they’d consummated their love. it was cruel, it was wrong, and it was not WHO HE WAS. it was not who he was meant to be--- who she believed him to be. “but i swear to you.... i shall prove to you.... why i am worthy of you. i shall never betray you--- not again. my lady.... i wish to be WITH you.” before jaime could react to the news that brienne had received tyrion’s message, her strong hand was upon his own. when she squeezed, jaime saw STARS, and white-hot pain tore across his entire limb, before it swam into his chest, and seized his mind. all of his nerves felt as if they’d been set AFLAME. but he did not pull away from her--- he deserved this. he deserved to receive a modicum of the agony that he’d put her through in this instant. but despite the fact that he willed himself to be strong, his body betrayed him. hot tears seeped from his eyes, and soon, he was WEEPING. the pain was too great. “yes, my lady...” he choked out, whimpering in pain like the crushed lion that he was. “you are right, my lady....” but all the while, he did not pull his hand away. he maintained her angry, intense blue gaze with his green one, which never faltered. no matter how fiercely she challenged his already-broken bones. 

[gcldenhandthejust]

oftrth·:

brienne winced as she straightened her back, feeling the pain resonate in the lower portion. she didn’t answer him at first, just glared at him as her head tilted to the side so the healer could spread the ointment on her large scars that rested on her neck. “i’m fine, kingslayer. just pains of old wounds…” she mumbled. once the ointments were applied, the healer examined her body for any other hidden wounds. it was surprising that he didn’t see the state of her. he would have known them but he just thought it was ugliness. 

she finally stood after a moment when he mentioned that he couldn’t come to her. a small sigh left her as looked at him. “what if i don’t want to speak to you?” she glared at him once more. “i have nothing to say to you…” she mumbled.

--- there was something quite wrong. jaime had seen brienne fight against the undead, for hours upon hours. she never winced, even when her injuries were extensive. she’d barely made a noise, when the BEAR was upon her in the pits, or so he’d been told by friend and foe alike at the time. there was nothing wrong with revealing one’s pain, jaime believed this quite rigidly. but there WAS something off now. he would not push her--- he held no right to do so, or to question her judgment, after he’d lost all of his own senses. but he was worried for her. he would always worry for her. “you contradict yourself, my lady,” jaime pressed, willing himself to sit up even straighter, despite the fact that his own pain was building to levels that he could not tolerate. “if old wounds pain you, then you are NOT fine.” the pair of them argued like the married couple that they were not. their actions deceived them, their actions revealed what they should have been. gods, jaime should have married her after their dinner with the likes of the terrible ROOSE BOLTON, he often considered. they’d even been dressed properly, or nearing that which was acceptable. jaime knew that his beloved did not care for gowns. not when she could shield herself in ARMOR--- and she wore it well, the gods knew that much. but he often caught himself wanting to see her in her plainclothes more often. she did not need to shield herself from HIM--- her trueness, her bareness, her fullness. perhaps now she did.... after what he’d done wrong. but before, she didn’t NEED TO. 

“if you do not want to speak to me?” jaime repeated. he swallowed painfully at the thick lump that had developed at the base of his throat. “i would understand why you would wish to avoid a conversation with me.” but that was not how things could be, could it? jaime felt torn between fulfilling her wishes--- he owed her that much, and then so much more that he could not GIVE--- and following his honor and stubborn nature. this was not how things could end for them, he would not allow it. brienne made him believe in a new and healthier version of DESTINY--- she was the soulmate he’d worked for, not the wrongful one that he’d been born with. the one who had called him stupid, that had degraded him--- that made him feel like he was NOTHING. “but i have much to say to you, my lady....” jaime continued. he felt grateful when the healer had the wits about him to LEAVE. after all, jaime did not falter--- he did not change the topic, simply because the stranger was around. once he tended to brienne’s pains, then there could be no use of him, and he could exit. “beginning with the fact that i am deeply and truly SORRY.” his green eyes shimmered with new tears--- deeper ones, that mixed with the former ones of his physical pains. “i was wrong--- gods, i was so beyond wrong. i never should have left you, my lady. i should have remained by your side for the rest of a life that was not to-be CUT SHORT.” his own hadn’t been, but.... seven hells, he had come close. “did TYRION ever deliver to you my message?” jaime asked. he would tell her from his own mouth--- he would tell her a thousand times per day, if he became so LUCKY to be able to do. but he needed to also know his baseline. did tyrion ever tell her that he was sorry? and even more importantly, that he LOVED her?

[gcldenhandthejust]

oftrth·:

she was still hurt- still upset. why would he just leave her like that? heartbroken in the snow and cold. she thought him a loyal man. but she was swiftly reminded that he was not. he had went to her. but brienne couldn’t fault him. he had only known her for– a few years? when he had known cersei all his life.  but he survived. she was— torn at that news. she was ecstatic– over the moon and stars. she didn’t have to grieve for him. just for her love for him. but at the same time– it hurt. what if he had died with her? maybe it was the best. being born in the world– to leave together from it. it was poetic in it’s right.. and jaime was always so damn over dramatic. it made brienne want to pull her hair out. but oh– how her tears of sadness turned to joy at him being alive. yes. it was like her prayers were answered. but she dare not see him in the weeks of his healing. she was still pissed off. she’d break every bone in his body again. a soft groan came from her when she walked to the healers- almost forgetting jaime was there. her back was killing her. and the giant scar on her neck from the bear was bothering her. 

it wasn’t until she walked in when she heard his voice– and she stopped immediately. her breath left her but she quickly composed herself. “i’m not here for you.” she told him bitterly. “i’m here for ointments.” she mumbled. okay. maybe she also came to see him but she wouldn’t admit that. gods. she felt sick again. she had been throwing up all morning and the past few days for a week. “my lady, you are glowing.” the healer said but brienne just narrowed her eyes at him. “shut up.” she didn’t like when people commented on her ugly appearance or made fun of her for it. she had enough of that with men all her life. brienne sat, removing her armor ( which was getting too tight on her ). she needed to stop eating. she was getting to large for her armor– and it was already the size of a man. she groaned, her hand coming up to her left breast. gods. it was so sore. that armor was really rubbing against them… wait… is it bigger? she never had the largest of breasts- small compared to other women… but she was never this big. the healer lifted her shirt in the back, applying the ointment to it. her sapphire eyes wandered to jaime before they narrowed again. “Stop staring at me…”

--- IT WAS NOT JAIME’S INTENTION to betray the woman he loved, and yet, in the end, a man was measured by his actions, and not by his thoughts. despite the fact that he’d been fueled by panic when he set off on horseback, jaime had thought of her--- particularly when he’d been captured, and when his mind was not to be nourished by his FEAR alone. when he was chained--- quite like he had been, when the late robb stark had taken him prisoner--- his mind traveled to the lady love he’d left behind. his heart ached, and he hated himself for what he’d done. and when TYRION had reached him? when he’d set him free? he’d asked his little brother to deliver a message to the glorious woman whom he’d knighted--- tell her that i am sorry, little brother, jaime had pleaded, with more than a few tears crowded inside of his emerald eyes. tell her that i love her--- and that i should have told her with my own lips, rather than through yours. but from the looks of her now, his yellow-haired beloved had not received his words. and jaime wondered whether that was better or worse--- he wondered if she could forgive him for what he’d done. and he would ASK HER--- of course he would. but at this moment, words did not come for him. his lips still felt dusted from the debris, and yet, he knew that its particles were no longer there. aside from his bandages and tubes, jaime’s skin was kept clean--- perhaps a demand of the new KING, but jaime rather doubted it. it was more likely to have been demanded by tyrion. even in the face of mutual betrayal, the kingslayer brothers ADORED one another. it was one of the few truths that jaime knew.

another was that he LOVED the woman who stopped several meters short of him--- and gasped at his sight. “i know, i know. i am quite unsightly--- for gods or men.” jaime’s tone was humorous on the surface... but he knew that she would recognize the HURT that operated more dominantly beneath its layers. she knew him better than anyone else did---- most certainly better than CERSEI did, even though his sister would have sworn through her teeth that this was not true. you would not leave me for that BEAST. gods, he’d despised her for calling brienne by that foul name. it was not true--- he knew it in his heart, and in all other parts of him. to him, she was beautiful. not to mention, as she’d taught him, there were far more important qualities than those of subjective senses of physical attractiveness--- loyalty. honor. friendship. bravery. mercy. gentleness. jaime lifted a brow, frowning at her mention that she had not come for HIM. not that he blamed her. “brienne, we should...” a groan escaped him, another borne of PAIN, before he completed the sentiment. “we should TALK.” it was a terrible understatement, before jaime’s green eyes settled upon her--- and he began to truly SEE, rather than simply to look. her breathing was more labored, and she seemed out of breath. her skin shone strangely... in a way that he knew, but that his mind would not allow him to reflect upon at this moment. “for ointments?” jaime repeated, swallowing hard-- pained at the idea that brienne had been injured. even if it was likely, due to the course of events that had transpired. “my lady, are you.... are you all right?” jaime held no right to refer to her with the name, and he knew that. but he could not help himself. at this moment, he did not think of his wildfire-like pain. all he could do was to look at her--- with care and concern shining in his bright eyes. “how could i not stare at a woman of your beauty?” jaime asked. in the past, he’d asked the question with a MOCKING voice, but that voice had dissipated long ago. there was only love emanating from his tone now. the healer passed him a quick glance, but said nothing. WISE, jaime thought to himself. “my lady, would you... would you come to me?” he asked her. “i would rise and travel to you, but...” several of his bones had been broken. “... i am quite unable to do so now.”

[gcldenhandthejust]

---- it was his fault. and jaime knew it. it had all happened in such a blur, things had happened so quickly.... that whenever a healer or maester assured him that several weeks had gone by.... he almost did not believe it. he’d been near mortally wounded from multiple injuries. the first and most serious had been the blunt force trauma that occurred from the materials of the RED KEEP caving in on him. when a random stranger pulled him from the rubble, and shouted for others to come to help him, jaime could not believe that he was alive. his head was swimming with nonsensical IMAGES that did not seem to belong together, and his entire body had been alight with agonizing pain. the second had been the bites of EURON’S BLADE, all of which should have ended his life as well. when he closed his eyes, and allowed milk of the poppy to consume his senses, he could still see the man’s devilish smile. he could still hear his cruel words. i am the man who killed jaime lannister. not quite. not at all. other bits of news came and went. KING BRAN had his coronation, and jaime’s little brother was to be his hand. a suitable position for a suitable ruler. the news that his sister had perished. that their child would never be born. it was enough to make jaime wish to cave into his injuries at times. the knowledge that he’d betrayed his true love.... to save his former one... and that he’d lost both of them in the process. in the midst of his grief-stricken idiocy. and his true love... he could still hear her words flitting in the expanses of his mind. stay here. stay with me. PLEASE. jaime had to stifle a groan when he opened his eyes again, the biting of his pain still quite strong. but it subsided, even a touch, when his green eyes fell upon her--- his true love, his lady, the woman he’d knighted. “BRIENNE...” he choked out her name, his voice sounding garbled and labored. “you.... you came to see me.” he was the only person in this room and the king made certain of that. jaime imagined that only TYRION had been permitted to see him thus far. “the white cloak...” tears rushed into his eyes, as he made an agonized sound, trying to prop himself into a sitting position against his pillows. “it BECOMES you, ser brienne.” 

@oftrth​