so I've seen people's thoughts and theories on aziraphale's "i forgive you" to crowley after the kiss and I'm like... I'll just drop my random thoughts about it. in advance, I hope this makes sense.
again, these are just my dumb 3am thoughts, in no way i dismiss anyone else's theories or hc's.
so.. crowley, a demon, not only fell in love with an angel but he acted on his feelings in such a desperate and human-like way just to show aziraphale what "us" could've been if he had chosen him. all the possibilities. what he wanted to offer aziraphale. this is how serious I am about us. this is what you're throwing away.
It was pretty much a "choose me, love me" moment and it was extremely sad and beautiful even if it wasn't your stereotypical, romantic first kiss in the rain that they deserve to experience. but still, like I said, beautiful. an incredible scene overall that will forever make me cry like a little bitch.
now, back to what this post is about... to me, obviously, aziraphale wanted the kiss, for a moment he even gave in a hugged crowley. he didn't pull away until crowley did. he was shocked, yes but he wanted that moment to last because he knew it was... well, a sin.
what is interesting here is that he did not seem to think of it that way when beez and gabriel revealed their relationship. he was happy. touched. our jane austen enthusiast was LIVING his best life. i mean look at his face.
he saw nothing wrong about them being in love and wanting to be together. or he just let his human emotions take over, idk.
he even allowed himself to think of him and crowley. he looked hopeful. (that's what I assume by his look)
aziraphale LOVES love. he's a hopelessly romantic who reads jane austen and looks at people in love like this
and, like everyone else, a part of him craves to experience such a magical thing as falling in love. he's lived on earth for thousands of years after all. a part of him is very much human. he believes in good, in romance, in hope and all those great things life can offer.
that is, after all the reason he still thinks heaven can change for the better, or that is not as bad as crowley says. of course he would take the opportunity to go back, especially knowing that crowley could go with him cuz ultimately, that's what mattered to him the most; the fact he could be with crowley without any fear anymore. In his head, they would fight together and make the world a better place for them to live in.
he doesn't want to run away and ignore all their problems, like crowley suggested. he wants to fix things before they get to relax and just enjoy each other's company for the rest of the eternity. which is a sweet thought. he's willing to do all that for their relationship to work.
and crowley says no.
"good luck" well, i know that hurt aziraphale as much as "nothing lasts forever" hurt crowley.
and that is what they do at that point. hurt each other back and forth. aziraphale gets defensive when crowley pretty much calls him naive for not understanding the situation, and then crowley proceeds to acknowledge the fact there was no love in the air with the "no nightingales" line. perhaps suggesting that aziraphale ruined everything (which is not true, they're both dumb).
by then, aziraphale was pissed.
how dare YOU do this to US? how dare you say no to the side of good and light? MY side? how dare say no to the better world that we could make?
and then crowley kisses him. ugh. tell me about bad timing...
and this is how you can tell their love for each other is very strong. by aziraphale hugging crowley, by not pulling away, by almost saying "I love you" instead of "i forgive you".
but he probably didn't see his "glitch" as the power of their love, in aziraphale's eyes crowley sinned. period. either by "tempting" him with a kiss that almost worked, or simply by the fact he's a demon that dared to fall in love with an angel and acted on it instead of burying it inside him.
aziraphale forgave crowley for loving him desperately and passionately. for saying no to being good. for choosing desperation, lust and anger over change, light and goodness. for tempting him into something he himself should not want.
aziraphale pretty much denied his human part. he shut it off and forgave crowley and went off to become the supreme archangel because he felt like he sinned as well. maybe he thinks he will redeem himself by doing so. alone. without the sinner.
he's wrong, of course. and im excited for him to grow and understand himself.
just as I'm excited for crowley to do the same, cuz he wasn't right either.
I hope all this makes sense.
