how to apologize in 4 easy steps (with examples)
TL;DR:
DO: Take accountability.
DO: Show empathy.
DO: Offer an actionable plan for repair.
DO NOT: Make an excuse.
More thoughts and details below!
1, DO: Take accountability.
I'll start with an important distinction. You are not responsible for how the other person feels, but you ARE responsible for your behavior. Behavior invites context-dependent interpretation, which in turn can spark a variety of emotions. For example, let's say you elbow the person next to you. If you're on a crowded dance floor, it's probably easier for the other person to understand that it was an accident. On the other hand, if you have a months-long history of elbowing this specific person and also giving them stank eye, it's more likely that your elbow will be interpreted as intentional and malicious. In both cases though, the person in control of your elbow was you, and that's what I'm asking you to take accountability for. There was some behavior upstream of an interpretation, and you are responsible for that behavior.
2, DO: Show empathy.
Empathy says, "I understand that you feel X and also why you feel X." You do not need to agree with the other person's reason for feeling X in order to show empathy. Empathy is NOT: "I'm sorry you feel that way," or, "You're wrong to feel X because that wasn't my intention."
3, DO: Offer an actionable plan for repair.
This can and should be something achievable. It does not need to be a grand gesture! The goal here is to show that you are genuine in your apology, committed to making sure this doesn't happen again, and will grow from here. It can be a collaborative exercise, it can be a compromise, and you do not need to feel like you are being a doormat. For example, does your coworker feel disrespected by your pattern of interrupting them? You can commit to letting them finish, and/or collaboratively agreeing on a signal to ask to speak in turn.
4, DO NOT: Make an excuse.
In my experience, many people find this tricky to understand. Of course you had your reasons. Of course you weren't doing this out of malice. Of course you hope for understanding and grace in return. But that's not the point here. Someone has come to you and trusted you enough to say, "I felt hurt when you did that thing AND our relationship is important enough for me to give you a second chance, starting with a genuine apology." Making an excuse moves the focus off the damaged relationship and onto the individual/you. It says, "I don't care about you or us. My top priority is me."
Pop quiz time!
For each of the following examples, answer these questions:
Is this an example of a correct or incorrect apology?
If incorrect, what makes it incorrect? How could it be said/written differently as a correct apology?
Example 1:
Employee A asks Employee B if they know about a workplace policy. B says they don't know. B has a meeting with their supervisor first, and asks about the policy. After the meeting, B shares the policy with A. A says, "I wish you had let me ask for myself." B apologizes: "Thank you for trusting me with your concern. I'm sorry for taking away your voice. Next time I will let you speak for yourself, or ask for your permission first."
Example 2:
Friend C oversleeps and is late to a brunch date with Friend D. Upon arriving, C apologizes to D: "I'm sorry for my lateness! I value our friendship and want to respect your time, so I will set my alarm for earlier next time!"
Example 3:
Restroom User E pulls on the door of the stall that Restroom User F is in. It is locked. E tries again. It is still locked. E goes away. E comes back 10 seconds later and pulls on the door again. It is still locked. F finally says, "Occupied!" E goes away and finds another unoccupied stall. When F is washing their hands, E appears and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't know if anyone was in there because you didn't latch the door fully so the red/green occupancy indicator wasn't fully red."
Example 4:
Employee G says to Employee H, as part of a a mediated conversation with two supervisors: "When you yelled at the employee from another department, I felt embarrassed and unsafe." Employee H says, "I'm sorry you felt that way, but I was justified in blowing up at that employee because they were being disrespectful to me, and I would do it again."
