[gembxxxyk]

Practicing gratitude, it’s my first day I’ve never been more thrilled to be the age I am - thankful, you would say from this moment the chances of having this conversation again are getting smaller and smaller, soon it’ll be a shame I impudently declare my belonging to this generation Although I was fed with very little food, but many words of affirmation My mother never made me starve but guilt-tripping runs this nation Polish pride, there is some truth to every lie Kradniesz samemu, nie ma, że „mama, daj” Dziadek mówił mi zrobić co zrobić i do roboty Trudna młodzież pali szluga, pisze posta, w szkole sprawia kłopoty Do dziś własny bicz nad głowa, a efekt? No wonder I’m high and frustrated as you continue without hesitation Wish it could sooner or later make me entitled I wouldn’t shake till I fall on my knees frightened would actually spread my arms towards the world and grab it But in the most demanding way possible - there is nothing in this offer, dammit What doesn’t kill me makes me spiral The exception proves the rule, as I’m unable to say a world Owning a few apartments could make a better survival But I just called my brother and he is not thankful at all

m.

[gembxxxyk]

It must’ve been at least 4 years of your concealing, but I from time to time I could detect you lurking noticeable in every attention seeking fast typing and screaming I handle the embarrassment as If it’s second-handed, but it’s you I’m looking at Coping with the consequences of you ever being here, Sometimes I feel spiteful when I think of you finding it funny from a side then I remind myself it’s you safely hidden and if anyone said ‘Speak, here’ you would only be able to chose between a homicide and suicide When this unapologetic child you silenced and I formed an alliance I knew you would be the next I think I got a hold of you, of taming your annoyance But If you felt like sobbing, why would I ever desist? Familiarity breeds contempt, but also comfort my own prodigal son, forehead-kissed Connected by default The free one skateboards through timelines, not so cautious, It was you who held them hostage, now you’re imprisoned and nauseous With every inch of my cut hair falling on the ground I can feel your presence more intensely almost like you left I thought you drowned and you popped out like a jump scare the moment I looked in the mirror The great thinker and master of youth theft Sly dog that should be avoided, but I choose to be nearer And we both stare at this one worn out gaze As if I didn’t know that was you crying on the way home As if I didn’t know it was me all along You’re welcome, just please don’t misbehave

Myselves / m.

[gembxxxyk]

That glance made me walk back and forth You seem to be freelancing, so why are your eyes working over time whenever I’m around? To bump into each other so casually as if I’m not always here doesn’t it feel too right for it to be unforeseen? Nonetheless, what are you doing here and why are your eyes following me? I wished for more chances to speak to you Ask questions I haven’t figured what could they be possibly about, Got a chance, but what were the chances of extending the moment? Rush wouldn’t help me think And except for this smile I don’t know anything about you Maybe I’ve made this all up but since I’ve started making up scenarios before going to bed again, possibilities to make them real suddenly appeared Maybe I’m daydreaming and you’re just good natured but when the flash light felt a little too bright, your presence eased my tension Maybe it’s all just a misconception, but at the end of the day, why would it matter? I’ve got a home to go to, what’s wrong with heading there with a smirk? Now As I pace around looking out the windows I find myself once again outstanding when it comes to finding ‘buts’ to ‘maybes‘

Over the years the concept of soulmates only let me down, but I have to find a name for something so rare as circumstances in which I’m calm and collected Thought to myself I could never write anything again if I’m not heartbroken But you make me wanna use up all of my puzzlement I have to use words, I have to spell it out I N V I S I B L E S T R I N G I figured you keep it rather loose hope, either way, it will still lead to me despite this long corridor

/ m.

[gembxxxyk]

You once seemed authentic and bold, now you are mostly just loud Stating your ideas without a shadow of a doubt Feeling attacked the very first second of confrontation, have you been outside lately? Every other pedestrian doesn’t resemble you, not even vaguely Universal truths you made up yourself backfires at every word said in this room Why wouldn’t you shout them from a balcony to make more people gloom? I started to doubt your curiosity, you must seek attention With every unnecessary question and question after question after question Tying to stir one’s focus? I tend to actually listen with precision I’ve heard you repeating the same thing for six times with some ignorant additions I gave you all of this time to make up your mind if you actually should say most of it, And you decided to do so, so tastelessly and obliviously - blindman would notice it! Odd one out, unbearable, unwitty but fragile enough most of us resolves to a pity So out of pocket, you are a little kid forced to attend adult meeting when you try to be heard your voice make it self-defeating Always mind one’s patience, it’s wearing thin Months went by and it’s weaker than it has been I know you reject the norms, but it’s expected to make an effort for once To reassure you are willing to stay around, for better or for worse Everyone chipped in for a gift, yet no one showed up at the party You were dismissively late and ready to aim disagreement at me we pulled out, backed out from getting energy drained and that Mango Sour In other words everyone cared enough to have you take a cold shower ‘Do some fucking reconsiderations’ written on a card - Yours, sincerely Are you sure you are the one treated unfairly?

Wake up call (answer it) / m.

[gembxxxyk]

No wonder Im still so sure of myself, It doesn’t mean I’m in love with myself when I’m still standing so sure that you are not leaving I’ve had so many ‘lasts’ tonight, I don’t believe in ending something anymore If it was so bearly bearable, why would you just still indulge in even talking about it? and does it seems familiar? you can’t just play with it, but don’t you feel on fire just by the thought of it? I’ve bled sonnets for you, and you wished for something more sophisticated but what’s seemed to be complicated, was there could be more than you the ones patiently waiting in the queue, If you think that’s sad, what’s sadder is that a lover once told me that Since then I make sure to have some wrapped around my finger like a maniac and check on them every once in a while, They always greet me with a smile.

m. 

[gembxxxyk]

I mostly think in black and white, that’s why not being on my knees on a friday night feels so definitive for the rest of my life I’ve used to push to the limits and further, aren’t you glad that not knowing when to stop is the only harm I practice ? breaking my own rules, rather than someone else’s hits different I guess that’s how I imagine being responsible Am I too much or are you less and less? Consider yourself lucky I only break things and not myself, cause you would be fucked if it was my last straw I speak to myself in a voice thats too nasty for anyone else No mistakes allowed, aware the world with test me in unknown ways You gotta be careful, I remember everything I know I yell from time to time and you take it as a weakness, but I’m well aware of every shout during panic I’m strict when it comes to myself, I need some easy fun that somehow always happen to be male I know exactly what you’re all doing and I would love to let the audacity take me like I disappointingly did years ago Be shameless about it, always this way you own the rumors When you’ve got nothing to hide, no one will question it And you seem to know it theoretically, but what about practice? Should I own it or not?

/ m.

[gembxxxyk]

nie ufam sobie czy zamknęłam okno i drzwi, czy wyłączyłam żelazko i toster, płaciłam w sklepie, ale czy nie zostawiłam tam portfela? kupiłam wodę i biorę łyk, gdy ją chowam nie mam żadnej pewności, że butelka jest zakręcona więc sięgam i sprawdzam Wiele lat wychodziłam z domu rano i w momencie odpalania papierosa starałam się pogodzić z myślą, że moja matka umrze, że jestem jej dłużna mnóstwo czasu, że może mnie potrzebować, na pewno mnie potrzebowała, najbardziej od chwili gdy wyszłam z czasem ta sama czynność zaczęła sprawiać, że starałam sie pogodzić z myślą, że gdy wrócę do domu ujrzę zwłoki mojego kota jeżeli nie ucieknie lub nie uwiesi się na oknie które musiałam zostawić otwarte, więc wracam się i sprawdzam dom spłonie ulotni się gaz wyleje pralka ktoś potnie się szkłem po tym jak stłucze się szklanka pozostawiona przeze mnie znowu coś zgniło, przez to podtruwam siebie sama, muszę wyrzucić jedzenie, talerze, śmieci wraz z kubłem tak się brzydzę, ale nie umyłam podłogi drugi raz, bo kot zliże z łap chemię, za to to pewnie kurz wywoła u niej infekcje wypadek samochodowy, tam skąd jestem a ja sprawdzam, czy mój brat był za kierownicą co jeżeli choć raz tamtędy przechodził? ten jeden raz? i gdy nadejdzie znowu zima, to kto z oblodzonego chodnika podniesie mojego dziadka? i czy będą tam jeździć samochody? kiedyś każdy nasz ruch wyjdzie na jaw, muszę być gotowa na myśli samobójcze ktoś już nasłuchuje, nasłuchuje nieuważnych momentów wszyscy będziemy mieć kłopoty przez to, że tyle mówię w obecności telefonu na pewno ktoś tu już jest, wszedł gdy nie zamknęłam drzwi, okrada mnie regularnie, przynajmniej z mojego spokoju więc wracam się znów wracam i sprawdzam okno, szklanki, kontakt, drzwi, portfel, zerknij z dołu, upewnij się wróć się i sprawdź to pewnie ten dzień, w którym wszystko zrobiłam, ale niedokładnie, burza zdemoluje wszystko, wyrwie okna z ram w pracy dowiem się, że wybuchł pożar będę obserwować wszystko w niemożności: płoną lata mojego życia, w pogorzeliskach moje dzieciństwo więc sprawdzam czy ktokolwiek inny ocalał

/ m.

[gembxxxyk]

The anger always find its way out, Trust me, I would know. That grim looks like it weights a ton These tense muscles really wears you down ‘That is just my face!’ Don’t you think it should offend me if it was true that daily smiles were all sham? I usually try to keep my cool, try to stay calm You however seem to try your best to not try at all I’ve been in pain for so many years, that my mouth is now constantly stitched, rather than with grimace so what’s with the long face? It must be so tiring to keep! Remember, I’m revengeful and with a great memory. I think I got bruised way too many times, to now be the one to fight the miserable giving up however makes me spiral into the indifference, so I pound around, making myself comfortable Yet your gurn is one of a kind and it makes me furious In consequence it gets serious expectations are always there, as well as in these situations and before you spit out an explanation: trust me, I’m harder on myself. It’s ugly crying that usually makes me pity the weak, but standing still with all of your force is twice as hysterical I appreciate that you’re now way too dignified to shriek but mind your tone as I’m trying to save your name, even hypothetical This is your last warning.

Only for when you are in space / m.

[gembxxxyk]

I only need space when I’m about to do some mischief but seeing you on your tippy toes, sneaking as if I’m just a cringe memory, here for a remembrance’s sake following you to your sacred peace of mind and a cigarette break Makes me feel bad for not being either mischievous or invisible If I was one of these, would you feel at least miserable? When I’m back from work, I feel like I could burst into bubbles my enthusiasm lands on your thorns and it stumbles I’m digital-made myself, but you seem to digital-fugitive inactive, passive, defensive and negative with your eyes glued to whatever is silent,   I suddenly seem to be all over the place and blindingly vibrant My roots are where one speaks their mind, when sharing every inch of space and thought is declined it's like playing hide and seek with my stream of consciousness and you seem to have nowhere to hide, despite this place’s spaciousness I never meant to smother you with my personality, but I seem to flow through every canal I can see I bother your stagnation Bear in mind I could spoil my morale and let go all of that frustration

m.

[gembxxxyk]

It’s been hours, days, months and years and I’ve never truly stopped writing Now I wish for an unexpected turn of the events so surprising, so thrilling, so absorbing that would finally leave me speechless I desperately polish my ability to name every ounce of a feeling and describe every occurrence I even once thought I had no words for Once again I caught myself not asking questions, in no need for definitions but knowing what most of it may mean overshadows me with boredom I miss the times when curiosity at least punched the damn cat! When I die, remember that what couldn’t be said, has been written You cannot scare me half to death, if I’m only half present so I actually may be already fully gone, yet not surprised I’m aware of the value of action, but I long for unexpected turn of the events If there is anybody out there - please, surprise me, for crying out loud! My own decisions are poorly made and even dignity-crushing consequences lead to a fatal calmness in which my expanding vocabulary does not fit

Unexpected turn of the events / m.

[gembxxxyk]

Did you forget how fast I can make up a lie? You played it very nicely, I must admit Impressive; must’ve counted all your steps to keep it this classy some do it casually in honest disinterest but you put too much work into building that distinguish persona and make it believable! Yet I recognize dishonesty, when I see one. Did you forget that to put an end to something you’ve got to properly start it? Who’s playing it safe now? I know you’re hard on yourself and like to be in control of your strong will but since you don’t test yourself, how can you be so sure of it? Did you forget I’m mostly shameless? I’ve been in this game for too long. I always mind you looking and it always makes me starstruck, yet I’m so impatient, it makes me blunt, abrupt and foolish, but aren’t you happy to hear that? Doesn’t it makes you feel exalted? I’m already reconciled with my eagerness of having a cake and eating it too, so it doesn’t embarrass me anymore Did you forget it always takes two? Don’t hate the player, hate the game especially when the rules can be changed at any time We were both poorly positioned, but not making a move leaves you far behind Did you forget that if a gentleman never tells… then he dies unheard? Isn’t that fair played?

m.

[gembxxxyk]

Oh, how things have changed yet in a retrospective it all makes sense, comes full circle, series of events maybe my younger self knew best that nothing good comes from being good, and when I’ve thought I matured I’m somehow at peace with carelessly losing bits of my memory and blurring the line between what’s real and what’s illusory Sometimes when I think about how we will remember it all, it worries me that being sat down is the most I can recall but this morning I love the way it feels to not give a damn about it cause even though I highly doubt it, In worst case scenario, I still have the rest of eternity to nerve-wrack, so why would I hurry? Once in a lifetime I got to be laid back Oh, how things have stayed the same My mouth is open so I can still breathe and I’m thinking nothing of how I was the one suffocating myself and I’m the one to let myself go now No matter how much I tried to convince myself I’m scared of losing my mind, my younger self knew I would fit in the lunatic kind I must’ve been always eager to feel and not experience but sometime got it twisted, and on being consistent I insisted as if staying like this forever would never be my wish in the morning, with my arms spread out and itchy nose I’m mourning every single second that is yet to come in which I forget how it feels to be almost gone I’m still too desirous to consider my inner child, I’m just blissfully cohesive enjoying what would be called under-performing, as long as adrenaline increases If tomorrow never comes ‘I have a feeling of a clear conscience’ I’ve heard it many times in similar moments and written it down knowing it’s nonsense my younger self would be stunned, if it wasn’t us - I would be alarmed

m. 

[gembxxxyk]

I haven’t been this pathetic in years, hoping it would feel like your lips when I  smash my face against the pavement, throwing up grossly I haven’t been this pathetic in years, deliberately choosing a different way home to bump into you and pretend I’m bold enough, to even make your head turn How pathetic one can be for a thrill? I believe we are even, fifty-fifty as you surely wouldn’t be there last week if you didn’t hope to see me! You should know to not play with me like that I’m desperate when impatient, and most likely to go off my limits Give it all, don’t dose yourself For how long will we call each other soulmates and not lovers? Cause I used to say that soulmates never die and now it leaves a bad taste in my mouth every time I say it as all of you are still not around I remember when you said ‘You’re all talk’ Yeah, but male figures in my life tend to not show up And you continue to be one of them I’m actually angry, Cause as you said, I’m all talk Until I truly wanna do it and you setting boundaries makes me look pathetic Is it you having the courage or do you actually want me dead? I wish I was doing it only for the hell of it at this point however it got so out of hand, I got to be serious How humbling! Taking advantage of the soft spot I have for you as I'm thinking about it, I imagine you shrieking that I should've stayed on my knees and of course that's how I'd preferred to spend the night, but damn - you look fucking pathetic.  Makes sense you would toil in this profession So used to having people addicted, Leaving early morning texts that rely on your mercy always seemed pathetic to me, so I’m raging you left me with no response this time, but honestly, dosing yourself as if sharing openly was illegal; Isn’t that pathetic?

I haven’t been this pathetic in years / m.

[gembxxxyk]

‘This fever will have me in tears’ - the thought strikes with drops of sweat. God, I have changed! I started to list the things I would do to not be pushed away now, when I can’t move freely in these sheets tonight. To kill was one of them, but how can a murderer just lay down? I used to be furious at the idea of someone coming close enough to catch whatever it is that makes me shake, but now I’m hoping for you to read my mind - come and save me from losing my voice in this cold mirage. Maybe my mind wants me executed by electro shock, even though I’m still yet to have my last meal This will end in tears, but I’m desperate to not be the only one crying I promise myself to stand up on both of my feet every morning and go on with my day, as if I haven’t just had 8 hours long trauma session I’ll do that, right after I shake off whatever it is that crushes my chest But before the alarm, there is a metallic sound and I’m shrinking I was just about to say at least no one goes after me, but here I am, again, paralyzed petrified And oh my God, did you hear this?!

This will end in tears / m.

[gembxxxyk]

‘Whenever we see each other, there’s a tension’ ‘Whenever I’m near you If I happen to be too close I feel like something bad would happen’ ‘You are the one of the few people I can say that since the day one I’ve felt like I’ve know for years, you see right through me and as I’m saying it I feel it in my chest’ ‘Whenever I walk into the room and our eyes meet, I get this sharp feeling inside’ ‘We haven’t seen each other in a year and it’s not gone’ ‘This could be so beautiful but if you come closer I feel like the worst will happen. ‘This could be so beautiful, but we never actually had a chance to try it ourselves’ ‘I hate you so much.’ I’m only writing it down, so I can cherish what you said, but I realized you also said you cannot bring yourself to tell lies anymore and that makes me furious, that I want it so bad I’m mad about the fact we are responsible now… or? are we only trying to be, just to hate each other? There are still so many things that we left unsaid, but it’s seems like you are gonna try to leave it as it is again I am so mad at it and it’s not something I can wait out this time I’ve always hoped you could see the warmth I see in you and quote me on this, cause you’re aware I can see deeper than the fences digged around you but when you compared yourself to the one that is present today, I said it flatters me, but God damn, it’s a feeling from hell I’m sorry for now using your words, not mine but I want to be well armed for the next time, Until then I will try to collect myself, in case you try to show up and make a mess out of me again Right now I hate you too! that’s the lust I know we both thrive for, I can’t help it, but wish for you to give an end to the stress I’ve felt about you for these years, You do it first, cause I can’t bring myself to do anything against your will To be honest with you, as per usual I hope our paths will always cross, cause if you’ve felt like forever since forever then who are we to decide to call it quits at 24?

Everything you said that one night (that I’m eager to remember) / m.

[gembxxxyk]

I need to see a companion in this screen Like I did years before but as long as I hear you laughing out of pity I’m feeling lonely like never before, This couch may be the real distance between us but the difference is that I’m the only one present I need to see comfort in this screen Like I did years before ‘Are you sure these are the real colors of the world?’ What an unfortunate question to ask over a lightbulb you chose to bright up a shared place It’s been months, yet I only feel like I’m going back in time I need to see the light in this screen Like I did years before but it’s so dark I started to question my vision and you still haven’t responded. I need to move forward, Like I did years before I’m worried I’m not interested enough to participate, but in fact I’m only worried I’ll stay this tired This screen is not fun anymore, It’s nothing like years before. I used to think I loved solitude, but actually there always was someone who would turn their head around to listen me speak, I’m running out of topics and willingness to continue Aren’t you aware that everything I know I must have heard before? So, whatever leaves my mouth is not surprising for any of us It’s not only dull, but also a waste of my time Time that I’ve been running out of since years ago. This screen got to calm me down! Like it did years before! What shows up on the screen is a smiley youthful person adored by a few, pictures from years ago but I may not see correctly as I’m on the verge of tears Doing time makes me anxious, This screen must’ve been given in moderation as it felt safe years before, and now I’m crumbling. From the day I was born, I’m counting down the days I have left I’m not good with numbers so I’m scratching some off in advance And the nights I’ve got to spend with my screen reassure me that I’m not getting any younger

m. 

[gembxxxyk]

Right person, wrong time I am not a hopeful person, but that makes me hold on to the idea you can still be mine. When you hear this, who comes to your mind? Is it me or do you still have it strongly defined that I was exploitative? If so, I can only assure you it was a right time to made me realize that I was blind. You know back then love and trust were not the only things I used to abuse and I’m not trying to come off clean now, but would ask you to come back again if I didn’t know already you would refuse; We could make it work again and one day I will show you how. Whatever happens, I will do as I promised say a word and I’m back at your door kneeling I am aware that what we had I completely demolished, I’m ready whenever you are, to welcome this feeling this time - fully polished. Back in the place I grew up in I haven’t had anything to riot against yet when you made me want to slam the door, punch a wall, scream at the top of lungs, you felt like home I never had. Maybe that’s why kids are running away from their homes, you were so young and maybe that’s why you ran away from me. Many times you’ve heard ‘She’s a player, isn’t she?’ And yes - four years have passed and we still on the same team! communicating in language only we are fluent in, I still cant believe how much you didn’t know about the world I try to convince myself it was a reason you didn’t know you meant the world to me To be completely honest, for the first time in years: Sometimes I buy this little cheap lip balm, so I remember how you tasted back then, and this red men’s deodorant smells like that certain summer and I’m only now ready to listen your favorite songs without crying my eyes out If once a liar, always a liar Just remember that calling it the best time of my life may be one of the few truths that left my mouth right after confessing my love for you.

Right person, wrong time / m.