I’ve learned a lot about coping over the last few months. I used to think that coping with bad situations or negative emotions meant that you treat them as if they aren’t impacting your life or day-to-day activities. You just carry on as normal with the feelings in the background. Maybe that’s an effective way of coping in some instances. However, coping with the grief and emotions that have come with the death of my daughter has required a different strategy. The way I feel every day is front and center, so I have learned to actively and deliberately cope.
These days, coping means allowing myself to feel everything, and rearranging my life around those feelings. Coping means prioritizing me. It means that relationships evolve, and endings will be written. Coping means that I respect myself, my triggers, and my own boundaries. To cope, I must draw a line and stay on the right side of it. The wrong side of that line is everything that hinders healing, whether intentional or not. It doesn’t matter what it is. Everything that hurts goes over there, even if it’s not meant to be hurtful. Conversations, images, people, and situations that draw me deeper into my grief hole are on the wrong side of that line. I have to stay on the right side.
The right side has intentional acts of compassion. It’s where I find comfort and validation. It’s where I feel sane, despite my utter lack of control over my emotions. I feel loved on the right side of the line – not just because the word “love” is spoken, but because an act of love is given. It’s where no explanation is necessary, but any explanation is useful. The right side is where I can talk about my emotions, my grief, my trauma, and my experience and not feel judged. I can cry openly and feel safe on the right side of the coping line. I’m free to express myself without the added pressure of trying not to offend anyone. I can be me – the new me – on the right side of the line.
There are very few places I can go that fall on the right side of the line, but those are my favorite places and the only places I will go these days. I use the word “places” figuratively. A place can be a person, a situation, a conversation, a thought, or a literal place. But, they are safe and welcoming. These places may be new. Places that were once on the right side of the line might have migrated over to the wrong side, and vice versa. I cope by taking a step back from time to time and understanding on which side of the line everything and everyone in my life stands. There is no overlapping. Overlap is confusing, and confusion is hurtful.
I’m grateful for this strategy. It’s given me power and control where chaos once lived. The emotional anarchy creeps back in from time to time, but having a coping line is my power, and I always find my way back to the right side.
