My Quest to Identify

A semi-closeted transgender member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints trying to find a place in the world. It's my personal policy to not ask people to use specific pronouns for me, but if you want to make me really happy he/him will do the trick. This is my journey as I discover who I am with my Heavenly Father's help.

[genderdysphoriablues]

2/2/’20

I woke up this morning a lot earlier than I intended to, though I didn’t move for a couple of hours. I was rife with anxiety because today was the day I was suppose to teach Sunday school. I tried to study the lesson, but I couldn't focus, Not to mention the very thought of standing up in front of a bunch of people and drawing their attention to myself while looking like a girl stoked my dysphoria so intensely I froze up. I almost pretended to be sick so I would have an excuse not to go.

But I went anyway. I found a compromise for the dysphoria vs respectful church dress and wore a men’s dress shirt with a plain black skirt. While binding, of course.That helped immensely. As for the anxiety, well, I just had to go and face it.

I got to church late because in spite of waking up early I didn’t get going early. So I sat in the foyer for Sacrament meeting and got to prepping for my lesson. The some lady sat and chatted at me for much longer than I appreciated because she knew my grandparents. I didn’t make some god teaching notes, though.

When It came time ti teach I was calmer that I felt. I informed the class that I wouldn’t be answering my own questions, so if they didn’t want an awkward silence they had to fill it. It worked well and I got a lot more participation than I expected.

I got home and took a nap before super bowl, then watched it with my family. Well, I watched the commercials. My family was rooting for San Francisco, so just to be controversial I cheered for Kansas City. Turned out to be a good idea, it seems. In reality was there for the snacks.

[genderdysphoriablues]

1/2/’20

It was my mom’s birthday yesterday, and it was Rose Gold’s birthday today. Because Mariah was also invited to he little party she came over to my house for our weekly hangout date. 

We went to Walmart for a quick errand and then got some pizza which was brought back to my place, We enjoyed our lunch and watched the movie Abominable. It was very cute and funny, and I’m really glad we got to see it. Then I knocked over two glasses of orange soda onto the carpet, so there’s that.

After I finished cleaning up we had some time before Rose’s party started so we went to the  mall for a little bit (surprise, surprise).We actually chose the one the net town over, partially to kill time and partially because it has more stores. I almost bought a Kingdom Hearts button up shirt, and Mariah tried valiantly to stop me. She succeeded, but really only because the only one they had in stock was an extra small.

We went back to my house to watch Rose open her resents (I gave her three choker necklaces and a set of earrings). Then we had cake and ice cream. Mariah went home and I did just about nothing productive the rest of the night.

[genderdysphoriablues]

31/1/'20

It's my mom's birthday today. Happy birthday mom!

It wasn't much out of the ordinary today. My mom didn't want a party or anything special, so we mostly acknowledged her and that was about it.

I went to work at 2:30 and got to do my favourite part: the magazines. That and DVD resurfacing. It was a good work day.

I got off at 6:30 and met my friend Silver once I got home. He took me to this place downtown called Two Bit Cafe, where we were supposed to meet up with another person he knows. Don't think I'd go so far as to say friend. The guy did eventually show up, though he was about half an hour late due to some miscommunication. He's an alright dude on the surface, but Silver's known him for years and he can be rather manipulative and possessive. The meeting was quick and cordial, and I was there as a buffer, which worked well.

When the meeting was over Silver came back to my house for a little bit because he'd been drinking and needed a bit to sober up. We watched Ouran High School Host Club because I think it's hilarious and Silver's a sucker for romance. My parents kicked him out at midnight, as is customary at our house.

[genderdysphoriablues]

30/1/'20

Happy Thursday; I was miserable.

I had the day off from the library today which was good because I had cramps from hell. I spent most of my time curled up tight with a heating pad on the bean bag in front of the TV. I think these are the worst cramps I've ever had. Does that happen? Does testosterone make cramps worse, or is this just a coincidence?

To add onto my dilemma of pain I was sick. I suspect it's because I hadn't eaten all day, but honestly every time I even thought about food I felt like throwing up, so you can see my dilemma.

Eventually I made up some Jell-O and tried to eat that, but it just made me feel worse. So I hid back downstairs and took a nap. I missed dinner, which was fine because I wouldn't have eaten it anyway.

Around 9-9:30-ish I made myself eat two peanut butter sandwiches because it was the only thing that didn't make me sick to simply imagine myself eating. I didn't feel better though. I think I'm going to go to sleep and just hope I'll be alright in the morning.

[genderdysphoriablues]

29/1/'20

I went to a meeting for the library this morning. We talked about not sitting to chat with patrons and making sure to be semi sneaky when we do restroom checks (not like, full-on spy mode, but also don't announce at the top of your lungs that what you're there for so people who are, say, washing their feet in the sink or polishing off their vodka (yes, those happen more than they should) don't have time to stop and hide their crimes and we can talk to them about maybe not doing that again ever. Also there were doughnuts at this meeting, so it wasn't too bad.

Other than that, today was pretty standard for the most part: play a lot of Kingdom Hearts, eat a lot of Jell-O, take a nap, etc. I'm getting really eager to have my next shot. I feel like it's been ages, but it's only been a few days. When will Saturday get here?

I went to work and was physically uncomfortable most of the time, as well as emotionally devastated because I felt like my chest was more prominent than it should have been and normally is with a binder and that my voice was too high as well. Turns out it's Hell Week, which explains everything. Can't wait for T to get rid of that. But for now I guess I'll suffer.

[genderdysphoriablues]

28/1/'20

My mother woke me up today to ask if I could help her watch my baby cousin who was coming over for a little bit. My aunt had something come up at work, and while my mom was happy to watch the baby, she was also sick. So I agreed to help out. Besides, I love kids.

She, the baby, was very fussy and upset that her mother wasn't there, but she calmed down enough to watch some Mickey Mouse Club House. She cried every time someone moved. Eventually, though, I got her to smile and laugh by making silly faces. But then I had to "go to work" so I left and she got upset again.

I didn't really go to work, I sent to Kroger and walked around for a bit. I almost bought something for Mariah for Valentine's Day, but I found a different one online that I liked better, so she's getting that one instead. Then, to kill more time, I went to the the mall in Layton and wandered around there. I found several trinkets for Rose Gold for her fast approaching birthday, and also a Kingdom Hearts blanket that is very soft. I almost got a KH umbrella too, with a handle like a Keyblade hilt, but seeing as I never use umbrellas anyway I was able to talk myself out of it.

I got home and had lunch before playing more Kingdom Hearts and making myself some Jell-O. Then I really went to work. Nothing exciting happened there. Well, one patron did put a lot of very graphic graffiti in the bathroom, but I wasn't there for that so I only heard stories.

[genderdysphoriablues]

27/1/'20

Work was good this morning. I spent almost my whole shift doing a paging list again because I still had half of it from yesterday. This time I switched up my routine and started with the children's section to end in the DVDs so that by the time my energy was spent I was on the the easier end of the job. It went so much better.

I got home and snuggled with my dogs and cats (separately) and had some lunch. I also watched the latest dubbed episode of My Hero Academia. My favourite character was finally in this season, and by the way, Chisaki? I love his voice. Oh my gosh, it is just very nice to listen to.

I took Teal to Taco Bell for a fun brothers outing, and grabbed some nachos for Rose Gold, who was at rehearsals. Then we all went to Classic Skating Rink for an extended family birthday party. I spend five dollars at the dimecade with Teal, who scored us a bunch of tickets with the bowling simulator. By the time we r7an out of tokens we had 196 tickets, which we spent on a squishy ice cream keychain (chocolate scented) and 21 Tootsie Rolls. Then we bounced on the bouncy obstacle courses.

[genderdysphoriablues]

26/1/'20

Not a great Sunday, not gonna to lie. I mean, it was alright. I wore my massive trench coat again, and that helped (if I wear boots I can actually pass pretty easily on it alone). I was late, though, so I hung out in the foyer during Sacrament meeting.

After that was over I chatted with Cherry for a little while until she went to Relief Society. I didn't want to go, and the fact that the door was closed by the time I got there sealed the deal; I didn't go in. Instead I hung out in the bathroom and the baptismal font for an hour doing nothing productive. Go me.

I got home and had lunch, and didn't take a nap like I'd planned on. Then I went to work and spent the entire time doing a paging list that had a billion (93) items on it. I actually didn't even finish that because I was hot, dysphoric, tired, and all around miserable. So I took what I'd gotten and did what I needed to with them.

I got home and still didn't nap, but I did melt and colour white chocolate in an attempt to make rainbow chips for the leftover cream cheese icing I'd made. Then we went to my grandparents' house.

I got home, took too long to cut the white chocolate into itty-bitty pieces, and put my dishes away. It was kind of a boring day, all-in-all.

[genderdysphoriablues]

25/1/'20

Today was a very important day. I woke up at 8 and hurriedly threw on some sweatpants and a t-shirt before heading to my sister's house. We chatted, I gave her dog a treat and some playtime, and then got my second shot of testosterone. You guys, I'm stoked! It's been too long, but now they'll finally be consistent. And my sister offered to keep my stuff at her house so I don't have to get creative with hiding them. She's so nice!

I drove to Starbucks to get a hot cocoa and egg bites (the GPS took me to the wrong place, so I was lost for a little bit), and then I went home to eat and rest.

I hung around my house and worked on my chore while watching Too Cute! to help me focus. Then I called in sick to work (even though I wasn't) and my day truly began.

I called in sick because otherwise I wouldn't have been able to get work off to go to the Utah Pride Centre with Grace for a day of transgender focused activities. I noticed that while there were plenty of FTM people there, there were even more MTF, which my statistics-happy brain was pleased about. Not a really significant thing, but just something I noticed.

Anyway, we walked in and wrote our names on some sticker tags. I used my nickname Jack, and Grace used the name Mariah. She'd been considering the name for a while, but before when I asked if she would like to start going by that she declined. Today, however, I repeated the question and got a positive, affirmative answer. I think Mariah is a beautiful name and suits her perfectly.

We went down the stairs first and looked at a bunch of donated clothes. There wasn't really anything for me there, but Mariah found a necklace and a long, denim coat that fit her perfectly. She loves denim and long coats, so I think that's such a tender mercy (I also witnessed someone else's tender mercy. I don't know this lady at all, but she was there at the centre dressed in all leopard print, and she found a pair of leopard print shoes that not only went with her outfit excellently, but fit her. You go, leopard girl).

Then Mariah and I went in to the set-up hair salon and she got her hair curled and styled. Y'all, she looked so pretty and happy. The style suited her perfectly and she loved it so much!

We got on a waiting list to get her nails painted as well and looked at memes in the meantime (haha, meme-time). We also chatted with the lady who was in charge of the activity and were deemed her favourites. I think that's because I live in the city she grew up in and Mariah lives in the city the lady lives in now. She seemed a little put off by the fact that I wasn't actively participating but to be fair most of the stuff to do there was very feminine, and because I can usually present male on a regular basis this was mostly for Mariah anyway.

Mariah got her nails painted (black, with a silver index finger), and she gushed over them several times (as she should). You guys, she was so happy. I'm ecstatic that she got to feel so pretty tonight, if even for only a few hours.

After we left we went to the mall and wandered around. Mariah found an Infinity Stone themed hair clip that she fell in love with. Then we went to Olive Garden, with a quick trip to Walmart afterwards to nail polish remover (she didn't want her parents to know). We went to her house and there we said goodbye. It was a really good day, all around.

[genderdysphoriablues]

24/1/'20

Off day today. I filled the morning with the usual routine of video games (well, one video game) and consuming frightening amounts of Jell-O. I also got to cuddle with my dogs and my cats (separately), so it was a pretty good morning.

Come afternoon it occurred to me that I may now have my testosterone, but there were a few other things that I needed to acquire as well. So I took a trip to Walmart and got Band-Aids, alcohol wipes, and a Sharps container. And two shirts, but those are less relevant.

After my Walmart excursion I took a hop over to Hobby Lobby abd got ahold of some small glass vials, green and purple ink, and a decorative, paper mache book. I'm going to paint it and write a small poem inside, then send it to a friend I haven't seen in a long time. I hope she likes it.

I introduced my mom to Too Cute! as well, and she loves it! Then she said we have to stop watching it because now she wants a puppy. Personally, that sounds like a great reason to watch even more.

At night my friend Silver came by and we went to Chick-fil-A. Unbeknownst to him, his sister was there too, with a couple of friends, so we ate and chatted with them. Then Silver and I went to see Jumanji 2. After that we couldn't find his car for a bit, so we walked around the entire mall until we eventually found it. It was 1:00 am by that time.

He took me home and I played a little more. I have a new file saved where I've stated over. I just missed Roxas so much that I'm going to keep that bit with as little progression as I can that'll still allow me to wander the town. Just so I can go back to it every now and again.

[genderdysphoriablues]

23/1/'20

I didn't even pretend to go anywhere today. How could I? I was tired, I was depressive, I was dysphoric...all I wanted to do was eat some Jell-O and play Kingdom Hearts.

So that's exactly what I did.

Well, I also had some mozzarella sticks (because those are excellent). I also finished up the Roxas bit in KHII, which made me sad. I got weirdly emotional about it. But it's cool that Mulan is part of this now too.

Worry not, I didn't mope around all day. Late in the afternoon I made myself get up and run some very important errands. Well, one very important errand: I got my testosterone prescription filled. It was my first time at the pharmacy so it took a long time, but whatever-I finally got it! Now I only have to wait two more days...

Once I got home I decided to make some lemon poppyseed muffins for my mom, because I love her and they're her favourite. She's also going off sugar, so I made them sugar free. I wasn't sure how they'd turn out (especially since there was a cup of sour cream in them), but I got pretty good reviews.

Then I opened the Bark Box I'd gotten for my dogs. It had a three piece snow man (head, bottom, pull-through stick arms) and treats that can be used to make a face on the snow man. They love it so much!

Then I went to work. My dysphoria wasn't as bad as it had been yesterday, but it was still pretty bad. I felt like I was hyper aware of everything on my body that's wrong. That, and I was dying of heat the whole night. I've read a lot that testosterone increases body heat production. Hoo boy.

[genderdysphoriablues]

22/1/'20

Today was another lazy day, so of course I played Kingdom Hearts all day. It's a little different than the first one, but not drastically enough that it irks me. It is nice to have King Mickey come in and save my butt on the Boss battles.

I've noticed a thing. So, today I should be getting my second shot, but I have to wait for Saturday so my sister can administer it. Anyway, I've noticed that my dysphoria is at the strongest it's been these past seven days. That, and I'm not outrageously hungry like I was this past week either. It just...stopped. Gosh, I can't wait for my next dose.

Speaking of dysphoria, it was awful tonight. My binder is really loose and my chest moves too much. I was going to go to a swing dance thing tonight, but my dysphoria is so bad that I don't think I'll be able to handle it. That and my feet hurt, and I'm way to hot for comfort, which would only be enhanced by being in a room full of dancing bodies. So I told my friend I couldn't make it. Maybe another day.

I did discover, however, the Animal Planet show Too Cute. It's about baby animals! I love it, and it's adorable.

[genderdysphoriablues]

21/1/'20

I got up at eight forty five and left the house at nine. I went to Walmart and kind of wandered around until I found a pair of black women's gloves that would work perfectly for my Roxas cosplay. I chose women's gloves specifically because they tend fit tight and therefore aren't as clunky looking as men's gloves. On the flip side, they also accentuate how small and feminine my hands are, so I don't think I'll wear them outside of cosplay.

After that little jaunt I went to therapy. We talked a lot about mindfulness and to attempt to use that to battle dysphoria. I personally don't think it's going to work, but I might as well try. Whenever I use a similar grounding technique to battle my anxiety it only works if it's constant, and that's hard for my ADHD brain to do most of the time.

When I left I went to see a movie, Doctor Doolittle. I really enjoyed it. They're were some dumb parts, definitely, but there were also some good parts. I especially liked the dragon.

I got home and played some more Kingdom Hearts, then I went to work. I starved the entire time. I'm hungry all the time now. I didn't think this was supposed to start until a few weeks in at least, what the heck? And that resulted in going to Walmart again and getting a bunch of food. Dunno how long it'll last me.

[genderdysphoriablues]

20/1/'20

It's Monday y'all. I got up at nine, lounged for a bit, then got dressed just in time to check my schedule and realise that I don't have work today. Heck yeah.

So I got a haircut instead. It's a lot shorter than normal so I could get all my awkward patches evened out. I actually really like it, so I don't think I'll let it get longer anytime soon. I mean, the top still has some length to it. I like having versatile hair so I can change it up every now and again.

Then I stopped by @closetmormon 's house to retrieve my testosterone packet (I brought it to Mini Pride and accidentally left it there). I ended up chatting to him and @mfadonohue about how they met and their first date (is a frickin' cute story), and I shared how Grace and I met. Then we all played Super Smash Bros. I lost every time, but in my defense I never play it.

I got home and ate two sandwiches before going with my family to the aquarium. Funny story: there was a little girl, probably about three years old, who really wanted to see the chameleon. I turned around and asked her father behind me if I could pick her up and show her. He said it was fine, so I asked the little girl if she was okay with that too. She agreed and I lifted her in the air to see the lizard. The plot twist? That wasn't her father. When I set the girl down she ran off to a different group of people and I overheard the guy I'd asked say to someone else that she wasn't his. Her real parents were grateful, though.

We got home and then left again to go eat Burley Burger, which was good but expensive. Then I got home and played Chain of Memories. Not only that... I finished it! FINALLY. Don't get my wrong, I liked it. But I preferred the regular experience of hitting things with a keyblade and not having to compile a different deck of cards every ten minute.

One thing I am salty about, though, is that 358/2 days isn't playable on the PS4. They have a "movie" of sorts that takes you through the storyline, but I was really looking forward to playing it.

I still get to be Roxas in KH II, though, at least for a little bit. That makes me feel better.

[genderdysphoriablues]

19/1/'20

Today I was awoken at 9:3 7 concerned parents asking if I was okay. I had shut off my alarm, I guess, or slept through it. Either way, I'd missed Sacrament meeting. So I got dressed and hurting to second hour, which was thankfully Sunday school so I didn't feel too weird. I've also taken to wearing a massive trench coat that hides most of me and helps make me look flat (a chance to give my chest a rest and not have outrageous dysphoria). After Sunday school we had Linger Longer, which was pancakes and berries. Then I got set apart for my new calling (Sunday school teacher) and briefly met with my bishop about why I'm in therapy. He doesn't know any details yet (definitely not that I'm on T), but he's aware that I'm dysphoric (though I doubt he really has a grasp on what that entails) and now my therapist can work with him to help me.

After that I went home and we had FHE, which I spontaneously taught (I'd forgotten it was my turn, but I did well). Then I went to see @closetmormon and friends. Instead of our regular study session we had a miniature Pride celebration to commemorate when he came out to himself and to celebrate my first shot of testosterone. There were more people there than we normally get, and Grace and @starmin-marmin were able to come as well. We had pizza, a lot of soda, and cookies with a rainbow of M&M's. It l awesome! I watched everyone play Smash the last bit, and had a lot of fun.

I got home and slept for a while. Actually, a big chunk of my "sleeping" was just me pretending to be asleep when my brothers came downstairs and made the most noise ever. But it was a good rest anyway.

Side note: my parents did my seem to notice my hair, which actually really surprised me. In still going to get it evened out tomorrow.

[genderdysphoriablues]

18/1/'20

I slept until 9:45 this morning, which was not as long as I would've liked, because I was up until about 4:30 previously. Hooray...

I kind of lounged around until about 10:45, when I hurriedly cleaned a corner of my room. Then I lounged a bit (and showered [with inevitable dysphoria ]) more until Grace came by. We chatted for a minute and then went to lunch at Chuck-a-rama. You'd think by now we'd know not to go to that place on a Saturday, but alas we ignored all common sense and suffered instead. At least the food was good.

Then because it was close we went to the mall and wandered. We were actually about to leave even I remembered that my friend (I'll call her Auburn) works at Icing, so we stopped by there to see her and ended up chatting for a couple of hours. I also got a keychain with sparkly bits and pink fuzzy balls, and I love it so much.

Grace and I left and went to a couple of other stores really quick to check and see if they had specific things, and then we went to Texas Roadhouse. You'd think by now we'd know not to go to that place on a Saturday, but alas we ignored all common sense and suffered instead. At least the rolls were excellent.

After we ate we went back to my house to prepare some Jell-O for later, and then we went to the theatre to see a youth production of Les Miserables. My little sister Rose Gold and my brother Teal were both in it (Rose was little Eponine, Teal was ensemble). They were both awesome, and I was particularly impressed with Jean Valjean and Enjolras. Grace also (understandably) cried. Then we went home and ate the Jello. Yes, we live in Utah. Yes, it was lime.

I also trimmed my own hair today, and it didn't turn out too bad. That is, until I attempted to trim down the shaved sides as well. It's really choppy and uneven, so I'm going to get that fixed on Monday. My parents will be thrilled.

[genderdysphoriablues]

17/1/'20

I had most of the day to myself because my siblings were at school, so of course I played Chain of Memories. I finally beat Larxene for the second time (it took a couple days) and made it to the thirteenth floor. I'm so excited to be done with this card bull crap and get back to regular attacks (I hope with my entire being that Days is going to be normal in that sense). Although, Axel gives me life, so it's kinda worth it, especially now near the end.

I forced myself eat some cereal around lunch time, because even though I felt like I would waste away if I didn't eat everything in the house, I couldn't really get myself to want to eat anything. Hardly anything sounded appealing except for Jell-O, which I was out of. The next best thing was original Special K with some sugar, which is what I ate. Then I went back to playing.

I popped out to work au 2:30, and it ended at 6:30,so I immediately went to Smith's to stock up on Jell-O (I've been craving it a lot, lately). I made it out of the store without getting too much extra stuff (just white chocolate chips and some food colouring). Personal victory.

I got home and watched my brother play Call of Duty, and when he abandoned that I went back to Chain of Memories. I Defeated Axel (that only took a couple of tries, once I remembered that I can't use Firaga on him), and now I just need to take out Marluxia. I'm pretty excited.

My dysphoria has been present, but different today. Rather than a debilitating depressive feeling, it was more like an intense irritation at the fact that I have a female chest and no penis. Not something I haven't experienced previously, but it doesn't manifest that way very often. Though I did end up having to wear my binder for a few extra hours to ease it.