#lds lgbt

[cosmic-m-b]

Something that has been on my mind...

There is no doctrine in the Church to describe what makes someone male or female. The Family: A Proclamation to the World says that gender is an eternal, spiritual characteristic, but it doesn't give any instructions as to how people are supposed to know what gender they are. The scriptures don't say, "If thou art born with a penis, thou art male and if thou art born not with a penis, thou art female." That was just something people assumed from the beginning. Adam was male because his spirit was male, Eve was female because her spirit was female. They needed bodies that could "multiply and replenish the earth." No one can say that a person with a penis is definitively and permanently male if that person has felt and received personal revelation telling them otherwise. No one can say that a person with a vagina is definitively and permanently female if that person has felt and received personal revelation telling them otherwise. Cisgender people don't get to decide what a transgender person feels. When I think of the premortal life, I like to think that we were told in advance what all of our trials were going to be, since there was going to be a veil of forgetfulness anyway. We all consented to be sent here and given trials.

Now, imagine a female spirit in the premortal life, sitting down in an office with Heavenly Father. He is giving her the rundown of her life.

"You are going to be born in a family that doesn't know about the Plan. But you are going to have parents that love and care about you."

He continues with a list of a number of trials she will have to go through and ends with this:

"You will be born into a male body."

He says this with love in his eyes, and a little bit of sadness because he knows what this will mean in the society she will be born in.

"But Father, I am female." She says, worry painting her features.

"I know you are. This is an extremely difficult trial that has been chosen for you. Are you willing to accept it?"

She thinks for a time.

"Father, I just want a body. I will accept whatever body you are willing to give me."

"I know you will. But I don't want you to accept this trial blindly. There will be ways you can fix it so that it matches your spirit, but there will be people who won't believe you and who will try to prevent you from becoming who you really are."

"I understand."

"Are you still willing to accept this trial?"

"Yes."

I'm sure that the whole exchange was a lot more nuanced than this, there was probably more detail given. But that female was given a male body. And there are males who are given female bodies. If spirits really are eternal, then a person's mortal body can't possibly be the only thing that determines gender.

Anyway, this has been on my mind for the past couple of weeks and I needed a place where I could express it.

[genderdysphoriablues]

2/2/’20

I woke up this morning a lot earlier than I intended to, though I didn’t move for a couple of hours. I was rife with anxiety because today was the day I was suppose to teach Sunday school. I tried to study the lesson, but I couldn't focus, Not to mention the very thought of standing up in front of a bunch of people and drawing their attention to myself while looking like a girl stoked my dysphoria so intensely I froze up. I almost pretended to be sick so I would have an excuse not to go.

But I went anyway. I found a compromise for the dysphoria vs respectful church dress and wore a men’s dress shirt with a plain black skirt. While binding, of course.That helped immensely. As for the anxiety, well, I just had to go and face it.

I got to church late because in spite of waking up early I didn’t get going early. So I sat in the foyer for Sacrament meeting and got to prepping for my lesson. The some lady sat and chatted at me for much longer than I appreciated because she knew my grandparents. I didn’t make some god teaching notes, though.

When It came time ti teach I was calmer that I felt. I informed the class that I wouldn’t be answering my own questions, so if they didn’t want an awkward silence they had to fill it. It worked well and I got a lot more participation than I expected.

I got home and took a nap before super bowl, then watched it with my family. Well, I watched the commercials. My family was rooting for San Francisco, so just to be controversial I cheered for Kansas City. Turned out to be a good idea, it seems. In reality was there for the snacks.

[nerdygaymormon]

“Suffering” from same sex attraction

In October I attended a retreat for LDS men. My friend was one of the organizers and very much wanted me to share this experience with him.

I should make clear this retreat is not in any way recognized by, affiliated with or supported by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Between the attendees and the staff, there were 20 men. At least 9 of the 20 said they experience Same Sex Attraction (SSA).

I’m the only one of the 9 who referred to myself as ‘gay.’ One of the others explained to me that he won’t call himself gay because he doesn’t want to be identified by these feelings and attractions. He desires to be married to a woman, have children, and live a conventional LDS life. That’s why he doesn’t say this is a part of him, instead it’s something he experiences (unwillingly).

It was hard to watch his struggle against himself. He’s in his forties and he’s looking for that one woman somewhere out there that he can be attracted to. That also seemed to be the great hope of the others. They’re attracted to numerous men but surely there must be at least one woman they can feel sexually & romantically attracted to. Once they find her, that’s who they’ll marry.

Clearly these feelings and attractions come from within ourselves, it’s not as though these are temporary symptoms caused by an outside catalyst, like how a runny nose is caused by a flu virus. 

I don’t like when someone asks if I ‘suffer’ or ‘struggle’ from SSA or with being gay. It sounds like I’m sick or have some sort of addiction. I think the ‘struggle’ is being in a society and culture with homophobic rules and misunderstandings.

But these men at this retreat who ‘experience SSA’,  very much ‘suffer’ and ‘struggle’ because they fight against accepting that this an elemental piece of their makeup and they reject the idea that this is how they’re meant to experience life.

It’s made me wonder if others view my struggles living within this church in a similar way. A suffering that doesn’t have to exist. That there’s a more whole, complete way to live, a path where I’m more likely to find happiness in life.

[cosmic-m-b]

I find it really difficult to take my friends in the Church seriously anymore. All of these homophobic and sometimes (usually) racist people posting on facebook about how much God loves them and how blessed they are, bragging about their marriage (okay, maybe I'm including that because I'm bitter), supporting Trump (and even loving his hateful/racist/etc. rhetoric!), and just being so comfortable in their bigotry, not even bothering to consider how what they say can hurt the people that follow them. The hypocrisy is wild, y'all.

What's even more difficult is realizing how close I was to being like them before this year. Aside from being married (I'm single af) and supporting Trump (I have disliked/hated him from the beginning), I myself have been guilty of sharing many ignorant posts, some of which, thankfully, I was called out on, but that doesn't forgive the things that I said that could be seen the way that I now see my friends' stuff.

I rarely stay on facebook for longer than a few minutes nowadays because of the constant casual transphobia, homophobia, etc. that people feel so comfortable talking about. They feel justified because of people like DHO. He makes them feel like they are right to be as bigoted as they are because they are "loving God" by "keeping his commandments." Yes, loving God is keeping the commandments, but that means loving your neighbor. Your gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, asexual, nonbinary, queer neighbor. Your black, Asian, Hispanic, latinx, Muslim, Arab, Jewish, atheist, agnostic, pagan, catholic, Baptist, etc. neighbor! (Sorry for anyone I may have left out, you deserve to be loved too!) And that means loving them as you love yourself! And that means allowing them the same rights that you have as a cisgender heterosexual person! You don't get to decide who is "worthy" of rights and you don't get to decide whether or not someone different than you is oppressed. I think something that members of the Church don't realize is that you can have all of the required ordinances, make all of the right covenants, and still be excluded from the celestial kingdom for not obeying one of the biggest commandments we have ever been given!

"Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?

When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?

Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?

And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me."

You love God by loving your neighbor! It is that simple!

This wasn't intended to turn into a talk or a lecture. I just wanted to express how frustrated I am that so many people can live inside their own heads and never bother to see how what they say affects the people around them. They don't bother to see the negative effects that talks like DHO's have on the people outside their demographic.

"By their fruits, ye shall know them." The Church has an overwhelming amount of good fruit, which is one of the reasons why I stay, but there is an incomprehensible amount of bad fruit as well, among members, ex-members, and marginalized groups. People don't realize the effect that being in the Church can have on people who don't quite fit the "standard" of white, cisgender, and heterosexual.

[cosmic-m-b]

I had a conversation with my mom on sunday on the phone and part of the conversation went something like this:

Mom: Maybe next year you will find a husband!

Me: Maybe!

Mom: Don't you want a husband!?

Me: Not at the moment.

Mom: Why not??

Me: *internally* I CAN'T COME OUT TO HER OVER THE PHONE AND IN FRONT OF THE ONE ROOMMATE WHO DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT ME.

Me: I'm just... not... in a place, emotionally, where I feel like... I'm ready for marriage.

Mom: What do you mean??

Me: Well, I have a lot going on and I feel like I should just focus on my schoolwork.

Mom: But I want grandchildren!!! 😭 (obviously she can't say the emoji, but it captures the vibe she was giving off)

Me: If someone comes along, I will give them a chance, but right now I am not actively trying to meet anyone. You still have the others to give you grandchildren!

Mom: I guess. Just so you know, I pray every day that you'll find a husband.

Me: I know, thanks mom.

Mom: I pray for your schoolwork too. It's not just for a husband.

Me: I know. I appreciate it. 😂

How do I break it to her that it's because I'm just not attracted to men right now? 🙃

[cosmic-m-b]

I didn't want to post this... I worry I'm being annoying. (Scroll down past the pics for my commentary.)

These are screenshots of a post made by @lesblob​ (credit where credit is due) that talks about “compulsory heterosexuality.” (Mostly for lesbians, but can apply to any wlw.) I was searching for insight because of my current confusion about my attraction to men (or lack thereof?). I would have shared the original post, but I wanted to be able to circle the ones that I have experience with. 

My intent with this post is not to convince myself that I am a lesbian (I will address my thoughts on this) but to help me recognize when/if I ever had a real crush on a guy.

On the screenshots, I circled the bullet points in either red or orange. The red ones are ones for which I have a specific example, the orange are either semi-true or only became true recently. I will explain as I go along.

“Analyzing every guy...” I probably should have circled this one in orange, but in general, once I have established that I am physically attracted to a guy (i.e. I think he is handsome enough or whatever) I will look for reasons to justify letting it blow up into a full-on crush.

“Logical reasons...” This kind of mixes with the first point a bit, but things like, “he can take me to the temple,” “he is good with money,” “my mom would think he’s cute,” etc.

“Fantasies about men revolve around the future...” This one is interesting because I had never realized that this was what I was doing. All of my ideas of the future, me being a stay-at-home mom, possibly working from home... I have never been able to imagine any kind of comfortable domesticity with a male partner. I actually didn’t realize this until this past week. There was a moment where I saw myself, sometime in the future, in a relationship with a woman... and I was able to see my place, how I would fit in that kind of partnership... It felt so good and comforting.

“The thought of doing anything sexual with a man grosses you out.” I’m gonna be real with you... male genitalia grosses me out. It always has. It is literally the reason why I didn’t go into nursing. (So maybe I should have made this one red?) I always told myself that I would be okay once I’m married and I accepted that. But now that I know that I have other options... It’s looking less and less appealing. I put this one on orange because I feel like everything else would be fine. (I think. I’ve never even kissed anyone, so it’s hard to say.)

“Sexual fantasies...” This one is hard to give a specific answer/explanation for because I try so hard to avoid thinking about sex and it is ingrained in me to do so. I will just leave this as is, but know that this one is somewhat true. 

“Emotional support...” Yeah, sometimes I just want some manly arms to hold me when I’m upset, but idk how deep that relationship would be. 

“Lonely...” I also get lonely sometimes. Most of the time I’m happy to be single. It doesn’t bother me to be alone. But when I do get lonely, I want a spouse (before, a man, specifically) to hold me and make me not feel super lonely.

“Approval...” Being a returned missionary has its pressures, and one of them is that of getting married super fast. Not only that, but I always hoped to have a really hot husband so that people from my mission would tell me how well I picked, not necessarily because I wanted one.

“Believing those reports that every woman finds other women attractive...” ‘Nuff said.

“Female friends...” This one has been hard to realize. The last friend I had like this was in middle school and she really broke my heart. I haven’t been able to get that close with anyone since, and since it’s been over ten years, I don’t remember what my actual feelings towards her were or what my daily thoughts were for me to be able to confirm this. 

“Thinking a guy being nice to you means you should date him.” This happened with my last big “crush.” I literally didn’t care for him before, but all of a sudden he was giving me attention and being nice to me and I was like, “This is my chance!” I crushed hard, and then I was crushed hard. He was just being nice like a friend would. (We are friends now and his girlfriend is chill.) It was actually this that made me realize (well before I knew I was attracted to women) that I tended to start to like guys that liked me first. I don’t generally like guys for no reason.

“Thinking guys are cute from afar...” This one I actually thought everyone did? I feel like this one is pretty self-explanatory. (I don’t think I have ever met a man that I thought smelled good...)

“Liking guys until they reciprocate interest...” I thought I just had commitment issues, but maybe I just don’t want to commit to a guy? I feel like my standards for men are so high that at this point, I will never find one that I actually want to be with. Even if there is initial attraction, there is always something that makes me feel like I’m settling, so I break it off because of fear and because I feel that they deserve better than someone who doesn’t think the world of them.

“Testing whether or not you’re attracted to men...” I included this one because I have always felt that I could control whether or not I fell for a guy. Like, if he’s too young or if he is a student in the class I TA. Doesn’t matter if he’s cute or not, I can easily just... not let myself like him. And recently... I haven’t wanted to like any guys. So I just... haven’t. It’s really weird.

“Assuming you have to like men...” Anyone who has grown up in the Church has grown up with the assumption that they will one day fall in love with and marry someone of the opposite gender. I am no different. I never even knew there were women who like women until I was in middle school. Thinking back on my young (5 yr old) self, who thought that guys were dumb and icky, I probably would have LOVED to have a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend, but I didn’t know it was an option.

“Misinterpreting anxiety...” This should have been orange, but yeah. When going on a date with a guy that is conventionally attractive, I have felt anxious and more so hoped that it was butterflies.

“Convincing yourself that you like men because being a lesbian seems too hard to deal with.” This one is where I am at right now. Is that what I am doing now with all of this? I circled more than half of the bullet points. Truthfully, I fear the inflexibility of calling myself a lesbian. Like, I don’t want to discount the still existing possibility of ending up with a man, but then again... that could just be the heteronormativity talking. Or the not-wanting-to-disappoint-my-mother. (Truth be told, I have recently accidentally referred to myself as a lesbian on more than one occasion, but only in my own mind.) Do I even want to end up with a man anymore? The only motivations I have are: being able to remain in the Church, having my own biological children, and not disappointing my mother. 

Idk what all of this accomplished, but I am still afraid of labeling myself as a lesbian. What if I wake up tomorrow, no longer attracted to women and I end up meeting the man of my dreams? Honestly, I would be kind of disappointed. I think this is so difficult for me because I never before this year ever anticipated finding myself attracted to women at all. I have been “straight” my whole life, so I am having a hard time letting go of that. I don’t know how to interpret my feelings and I don’t know how to label myself. (I realize I don’t have to, I just feel like I will be able to relax more once I do.) 

I was hoping to be able to come out to my mom during Christmas time, but idk what to tell her. Idk if I want to say I’m bi because then she will still maintain the hope that I will marry a guy, which, right now, I don’t really want. But I also don’t want to say I’m lesbian because I don’t know that I feel that I am. But I also don’t think she will understand what I mean if I just tell her I’m queer. 

And then I have some severe impostor syndrome like, “my attraction to women probably isn’t even real and one day everyone will realize that I am just a Straight™, infiltrating the LGBT community just so I can feel oppressed.”

Okay I am done for now, but if you read through all of this BLESS YOU you are amazing. 

If any of you has input, feel free to comment, I will read them ALL, but I can’t promise to respond to everyone.

[cosmic-m-b]

That awkward moment when someone from your mission asks how your romantic life is going and you're queer now. 🙃🙃🙃

[cosmic-m-b]

I question my sexuality every day, but I find it interesting that lately I only have two modes; either I am non-stop thinking about dating women or I lose all desire to date at all. But I find it frustrating that when I am feeling the latter, my brain decides that, by default, that means I am attracted to men and puts me into panic mode because "maybe I'm faking it." I really need to find a way to delete that protocol because it's causing me way more distress than I need right now.