#mormon lgbt

[genderdysphoriablues]

2/2/’20

I woke up this morning a lot earlier than I intended to, though I didn’t move for a couple of hours. I was rife with anxiety because today was the day I was suppose to teach Sunday school. I tried to study the lesson, but I couldn't focus, Not to mention the very thought of standing up in front of a bunch of people and drawing their attention to myself while looking like a girl stoked my dysphoria so intensely I froze up. I almost pretended to be sick so I would have an excuse not to go.

But I went anyway. I found a compromise for the dysphoria vs respectful church dress and wore a men’s dress shirt with a plain black skirt. While binding, of course.That helped immensely. As for the anxiety, well, I just had to go and face it.

I got to church late because in spite of waking up early I didn’t get going early. So I sat in the foyer for Sacrament meeting and got to prepping for my lesson. The some lady sat and chatted at me for much longer than I appreciated because she knew my grandparents. I didn’t make some god teaching notes, though.

When It came time ti teach I was calmer that I felt. I informed the class that I wouldn’t be answering my own questions, so if they didn’t want an awkward silence they had to fill it. It worked well and I got a lot more participation than I expected.

I got home and took a nap before super bowl, then watched it with my family. Well, I watched the commercials. My family was rooting for San Francisco, so just to be controversial I cheered for Kansas City. Turned out to be a good idea, it seems. In reality was there for the snacks.

[queerldstiger]

I haven't been to church for over a year now expect for the one time for my brother's homecoming but I had an anxiety attack.

I don't really have any plans on returning to church. I don't feel safe. I just have anxiety attacks whenever I go. Why would I go somewhere that's only going to give me anxiety?

My memories of church are mostly unhappy ones. I felt alone majority of the time and leaders didn't take my anxiety disorder seriously. The Mormon bubble I was in was suffocating me and making my anxieties worse.

I don't have many memories of feeling the spirit at church or at the temple. But I liked going to the temple. It was quiet and a break from the world. But even if I return to church, I can't go into the temple anymore.

Just because I'm non-binary which falls under the transgender umbrella. And that makes me sad, that I'd be denied to do something that I had grown up doing.

I don't think the church is for me, as sad it is to say that. It wasn't a healthy environment for me. The only times I've ever really truly felt the spirit was at home. Alone in my room and praying.

I'll keep praying and try to keep my relationship with my Father in Heaven. But I'm making my own choices and opinions based on what I personally want and believe. I'll find my own happiness.

[profeminist]

Imagine Dragons singer debuts new film targeting LGBT discrimination by Mormons

Mormon Dan Reynolds has taken aim at the church's long history of anti-gay attitudes.

“Continuing its long reputation of playing home to films featuring queer content, the Sundance Film Festival will debut a new documentary this week featuring lead singer of Imagine Dragons, Dan Reynolds. A former Mormon, Reynolds uses the new doc to highlight the shaming and persecution of LGBT people—youth in particular.

As directed by Don Argott, Believer follows Reynolds and his close friend, Tyler Glenn, the out-gay singer of Neon Trees, as they plan the LoveLoud Festival, a rock concert to benefit LGBTQ charities. In a peculiar move, the Church of Latter-Day Saints endorsed the concert as a positive step toward ending discrimination against a group of God’s children.

Reynolds contends the church has not done enough to prevent gay teen suicide or homelessness.

“These kids are being told their most innate sense of being is sinful,” Reynolds said. “Shaming is so destructive.”

He claims the documentary is part of a personal campaign to have the church alter its doctrine to allow for same-sex marriages, and for gay sex within relationships.”

Read the full piece here

Believer Movie

[genderdysphoriablues]

25/1/'20

Today was a very important day. I woke up at 8 and hurriedly threw on some sweatpants and a t-shirt before heading to my sister's house. We chatted, I gave her dog a treat and some playtime, and then got my second shot of testosterone. You guys, I'm stoked! It's been too long, but now they'll finally be consistent. And my sister offered to keep my stuff at her house so I don't have to get creative with hiding them. She's so nice!

I drove to Starbucks to get a hot cocoa and egg bites (the GPS took me to the wrong place, so I was lost for a little bit), and then I went home to eat and rest.

I hung around my house and worked on my chore while watching Too Cute! to help me focus. Then I called in sick to work (even though I wasn't) and my day truly began.

I called in sick because otherwise I wouldn't have been able to get work off to go to the Utah Pride Centre with Grace for a day of transgender focused activities. I noticed that while there were plenty of FTM people there, there were even more MTF, which my statistics-happy brain was pleased about. Not a really significant thing, but just something I noticed.

Anyway, we walked in and wrote our names on some sticker tags. I used my nickname Jack, and Grace used the name Mariah. She'd been considering the name for a while, but before when I asked if she would like to start going by that she declined. Today, however, I repeated the question and got a positive, affirmative answer. I think Mariah is a beautiful name and suits her perfectly.

We went down the stairs first and looked at a bunch of donated clothes. There wasn't really anything for me there, but Mariah found a necklace and a long, denim coat that fit her perfectly. She loves denim and long coats, so I think that's such a tender mercy (I also witnessed someone else's tender mercy. I don't know this lady at all, but she was there at the centre dressed in all leopard print, and she found a pair of leopard print shoes that not only went with her outfit excellently, but fit her. You go, leopard girl).

Then Mariah and I went in to the set-up hair salon and she got her hair curled and styled. Y'all, she looked so pretty and happy. The style suited her perfectly and she loved it so much!

We got on a waiting list to get her nails painted as well and looked at memes in the meantime (haha, meme-time). We also chatted with the lady who was in charge of the activity and were deemed her favourites. I think that's because I live in the city she grew up in and Mariah lives in the city the lady lives in now. She seemed a little put off by the fact that I wasn't actively participating but to be fair most of the stuff to do there was very feminine, and because I can usually present male on a regular basis this was mostly for Mariah anyway.

Mariah got her nails painted (black, with a silver index finger), and she gushed over them several times (as she should). You guys, she was so happy. I'm ecstatic that she got to feel so pretty tonight, if even for only a few hours.

After we left we went to the mall and wandered around. Mariah found an Infinity Stone themed hair clip that she fell in love with. Then we went to Olive Garden, with a quick trip to Walmart afterwards to nail polish remover (she didn't want her parents to know). We went to her house and there we said goodbye. It was a really good day, all around.

[genderdysphoriablues]

20/1/'20

It's Monday y'all. I got up at nine, lounged for a bit, then got dressed just in time to check my schedule and realise that I don't have work today. Heck yeah.

So I got a haircut instead. It's a lot shorter than normal so I could get all my awkward patches evened out. I actually really like it, so I don't think I'll let it get longer anytime soon. I mean, the top still has some length to it. I like having versatile hair so I can change it up every now and again.

Then I stopped by @closetmormon 's house to retrieve my testosterone packet (I brought it to Mini Pride and accidentally left it there). I ended up chatting to him and @mfadonohue about how they met and their first date (is a frickin' cute story), and I shared how Grace and I met. Then we all played Super Smash Bros. I lost every time, but in my defense I never play it.

I got home and ate two sandwiches before going with my family to the aquarium. Funny story: there was a little girl, probably about three years old, who really wanted to see the chameleon. I turned around and asked her father behind me if I could pick her up and show her. He said it was fine, so I asked the little girl if she was okay with that too. She agreed and I lifted her in the air to see the lizard. The plot twist? That wasn't her father. When I set the girl down she ran off to a different group of people and I overheard the guy I'd asked say to someone else that she wasn't his. Her real parents were grateful, though.

We got home and then left again to go eat Burley Burger, which was good but expensive. Then I got home and played Chain of Memories. Not only that... I finished it! FINALLY. Don't get my wrong, I liked it. But I preferred the regular experience of hitting things with a keyblade and not having to compile a different deck of cards every ten minute.

One thing I am salty about, though, is that 358/2 days isn't playable on the PS4. They have a "movie" of sorts that takes you through the storyline, but I was really looking forward to playing it.

I still get to be Roxas in KH II, though, at least for a little bit. That makes me feel better.

[genderdysphoriablues]

2/12/'19

I went to work today at the library and I even wore my packer again. Not to sound weird, but I was crouching to shelve some books and when I stood up I had the feeling that all was right with the world. Because of a simple packer.

After work I popped by the Savers to get a new shirt. I ended up getting three, all button ups plaid pattern. I like button ups. I think I look handsome in them, and the way they fall on my body makes my chest look very flat. I love them.

I got home with just enough time to play some Kingdom Hearts before my siblings came home. But then they left to go to rehearsals so I got to play some more. I'm working on the Pegasus Cup, but so far I haven't been able to get past Leon and Yuffie.

Siblings came home, video games shut down, and I chose not to go to FHE. I can sense a depressive episode coming on, and I'm not looking forward to it.

[genderdysphoriablues]

15/1/'20

Hey y'all, it's been a while. Here's a summary what happened in the past month:

I talked about my really bad dysphoria, and that mingled with a depressive episode made it difficult to update my blog, and then I just kind of got lazy. But during that time I made two very important appointments.

The first is that I planned to go see my therapist again because I was in such a bad place. I didn't get to that appointment until January (it was set from December), but that'll come up later. The second was something I'd like to say was an impulse decision, but that would be lying because it actually took weeks to plan out. I set up an appointment with an endocrinologist at an informed consent clinic.

In the meantime: Christmas and New Years. I got Christmas off this year, and took some time that day to visit and exchange gifts with Grace (she got me two books: Starsight by Brandon Sanderson, and The Joker Psychology).

I did work on New Year's, but that was my choice. I was at a house for Day Program, and I was literally almost in tears because the bunny they have there was licking and nuzzling me. I also visited Grace again.

Not too long after, I had my last day at Day Program. I'm going to take some time before I start looking at another job so I can do some theatre or combat training. Maybe both.

I auditioned for Sister Act at a local community theatre, and got callbacks for TJ (a male character, mind you). I'm stoked! I really hope I get in.

I also saw my therapist, finally. We talked about the endocrinologist appointment and if I was okay letting my bishop know why I'm meeting with a therapist. Then I went to see Jumanji 2 (I loved it) and had some Chick-fil-A.

Recently my atheist friend Silver came to church with me out of the blue, went to the library with me to check out A Satanic Bible, and then came to Study group with me to discuss atheism vs Mormonism with @closetmormon and another friend. He can be Jasper. It was a nice discussion and we all felt very enlightened afterward.

This brings us to today.

I woke up and played some Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories (I finally finished the first one! Not really as fond of CoM, to be honest). Then my mom started to do stuff on the treadmill, and I left the house. Not because of that, though.

I drove an hour to an ObGyn and checked in to the appointment I had set over a month ago. I was there for a long time as they did blood tests (I didn't pass out this time!) and gave me a juice box. I waited as the doctor dealt with an emergency in another room. I filled out a blue packet that said I probably didn't have depression (I don't), and that I probably have anxiety (I do). I initialed and signed a long form detailing all of the changes that testosterone would make on my body.

The doctor finally came in and we chatted for a little bit, making sure I knew what I was getting in to, and insuring that I have a strong support system I could turn to. I do.

And then finally, finally, finally, the nurse gave me my first shot of testosterone. I have very mixed feelings about it.

I want this so badly, but this could directly interfere with my full participation in a gospel that I love so much. Of course I won't stop going to church and all, but I'm 100% sure that I won't be able to go to the temple anymore. I'm going to talk to my bishop this upcoming Sunday.

But of course, I'm finally on testosterone!!!

Anyway, I went to work (at the library) and moved movies from place to place all night (yesterday I got to destroy old magazines, which is my favourite job).

Mostly, though, I'm ecstatic that I'll finally have the body I need to.

[genderdysphoriablues]

9/11/'19

What a nice day today. I woke up with plenty of time to play a little Assassin's Creed and do some stuff (like shower) before Grace came over.

We went to the aquarium again. It's become a favourite place of ours (Grace loves the rays), and because of the credit union I'm with I get insane discounts. We also planned to feed their kinkajou today, but apparently there's designated times and they were already booked for that day. So we fed the rays instead.

After that we wandered around the mall for a little bit, and went into Entertainment Mart and I got a physical copy of The Nightmare Before Christmas (finally) and Assassin's Creed Unity.

Then we went to Cracker Barrel. We had the sweetest waitress and I made sure to tip her well. She also called me sir several times, so that made me happy!

After Cracker Barrel we went back to my house and watched several YouTube videos, and then some My Little Pony. Then Grace left.

I watched some YouTube with my little sister Rose Gold, and then we kicked my brother (I haven't named him yet, so he can be Magenta) off of the nice TV downstairs to watch the rest of Les Miserables. After we finished that Magenta introduced us to the new Netflix original, Green Eggs and Ham. It's so nice funny! Definitely worth a try, for those who haven't seen it yet.