I wish I knew why. I wish I knew why you come into my head at one in the morning
I wish I knew why you had such a big impact on me without even touching my skin. I wish I knew why you drove me so crazy, why your voice felt like velvet and what about you was so fascinating. I haven’t cried in awhile. The feeling has gon kindve numb and it’s just adding on to the weight my heart feels everyday, a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. I don’t understand why things workout the way they do. I know their for reasons unknown and the universe has some weird way of planning out our lives before we can even predict them. But I just wonder why. I wonder why I wasn’t enough for you. How you can say I love you to someone like a broken record player but when that love gets tested it shatters. You can say my mind played tricks and nothing you sent out was received the right way And you can say it’s not real, you can say you were blind and you couldn’t see what you’re doing to me. You can say it wasn’t that I wasn’t enough. You can say it’s you and that you’re the bad one and you could never hate me even in a thousand year life . I just don’t understand I don’t understand why.i knew you, you knew me, it was effortless, everything finally connected.. Did you push me away cause you got feelings and it freaked you out, or is it because you’re incapable of feeling in general.
. But you see I don’t know. I don’t know if you ever cared. Or if you ever really loved me
Maybe I was just someone you kept around because you were lonely and when you weren’t lonely anymore forgot about. I don’t know, I’ve realized I’m never going to get the true answers I long for. I’ve realized I’m better than to chase you.
But along this path of realizations I’ve come to the conclusion I cannot just let you go. I can’t forget. I can’t see you or hear your voice without instant little movies playing in my head.
Everyday it hits me. It hits me that you don’t really want anything to do with me anymore and that whatever we had was just a “not the right time” type of situation. But that sucks because I really did care. I was your ride or die girl. I was someone you could count on for anything. But now I can’t think. I got bad habits and my heads fucked up.
Maybe I was in love with a sociopath. Maybe I was in love with you but it doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing matters anymore. My life’s on pause I don’t feel a fucking thing. My one source of feeling isn’t here and maybe that’s why I’m a walking freak out. I can’t stop thinking. I can’t stop typing. But this is what I mean. It does not stop.
I wish it would
Because I know it stopped for you a long time ago.
Someone @ her
