“grades don’t matter” - a double edged sword
Being in quarantine has got me thinking a lot about who I am as a person, why I am the way I am and how I could change for the better. I’ve known for years that I really struggle with motivation and I think I’ve partially figured out why that is so I’m just going to write about that a little bit, sort of like a diary. Maybe some people can relate to this.
Essentially, when I was younger I’d made it into a prestigious high school. It was something that I’d worked towards all through primary school and everyone around me expected me to go there. It’s not that I didn’t want to go, I definitely did, but perhaps the pressure of everyone saying I’ll get into this high school created some issues that I didn’t even realise were there at the time. Fast forward to the end of my first year at this high school and it turned out that my maths grades had dropped considerably. This high school maintained its prestige with a “survival of the fittest” mentality wherein they kicked out the students who didn’t keep up their grades. And so, when summer holidays came around, I was told that I had to leave. Not only did I have to leave, but I had to enter a high school 2 levels below the school I was at (my country works on a level system where depending on your GPA you go to high school 1, 2, 3, 4 etc). I don't think I let it show at the time, but I was completely devastated. It had a huge affect on my mental health because up until this age I had the mindset that my value was entirely dependent on what grades I got and whether or not I could go to this prestigious high school. I felt really lost now that my life’s purpose was gone. So I decided to bury these feelings deep, deep down and pretend everything was okay. I told myself “grades don’t matter”. “Grades don’t define my value”. “Don’t be upset if you get a bad grade”. Now on the one hand, repeating this mantra worked great. I truly didn’t care about grades anymore. I got good grades in subjects that I was naturally good at, and I got bad grades in subjects I didn't like, but it didn't matter because “grades don’t matter anymore”. I really wouldn’t be upset if I got a bad grade.
However, now that I’m an adult at university, I still have this mindset. And it’s really damaging. I used to be so driven when I was younger, but now that “grades don’t matter” I can’t motivate myself to do anything.
“Oh this university assignment is due tomorrow? I’ll start it later, a 5% late penalty doesn’t bother me because grades don’t matter.”
“Ugh I really hate this topic. I’ll just write something quickly, doesn’t matter if it’s good because grades don’t matter.”
This lifestyle has completely taken over and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t want to be the kind of person who gets hung up on grades and creates unnecessary pressure for myself because it is true that grades don’t define you. But I still want to be a productive, motivated individual. I want to be someone who gets assignments done on time and does them with time to spare. I want to be someone who does extra reading because I might find something that interests me. I want to be someone who treats themselves with respect.
But how do I get out of my own way?
