i was in a bigggg writing funk before this and i’m glad i got it done. sorry for making u guys wait so terribly long for it. i love u
warnings: calum hood x she/her reader, lowercase intended, calum's a mess (slight alcohol tw) angst happy ending
—
calum ghosted himself from everybody since that encounter with him, y/n, and his bandmates.
the other three boys tried their absolute hardest to get a word out of him, making endless phone calls, sending texts every ten minutes, and they even tried knocking at his door. calum ignored all of them, and gradually, it all just stopped.
he didn't really know what to do with himself. he had been so used to an environment full of so many people around him, and now? only having, himself, his dog and a few guitars? this felt new to him.
he also hadn't touched a drop of alcohol since him and the boys' fight.
looking back at it, calum knows he might have not reacted in the best way possible. he was angry, he really was. seeing his ex-girlfriend leave michael's house with all three of his bestfriends there was almost the last thing he expected to see, and it took him aback. but he knows he had no right to start yelling at all of them.
he's tried reaching out. in calum's head, luke seems like he would be the easiest to talk to – they've known each other since they were sixteen ; they tell each other everything. so why couldn't calum just muster up some courage and call him? text him, even?
as he sits at his couch with his phone in his hands, he looks at the message he's typed out.
hey guys, i know this is kind of out of the blue but i wanted to say sorry to you guys in person. i did some really fucked up shit and i know you guys were just looking out for me. do you think we could all meet up?
he deletes it before laying on the couch and going to bed.
—
initially, calum's woken up by a ding!, indicating somebody's texted him. slightly suprised, but not awake enough to care, he ignores it and attempts to go back to sleep. that happens to be unsuccessful as his phone starts ringing.
sitting up from the couch slightly annoyed, he picks up the phone and rubs his eyes. "hello?" calum groans.
"calum?" a slurred voice rings through his ears, and that's all it takes for him to jump back into full consciousness. "calum! you answered!" y/n happily exclaims through the phone, and he already knows she's had something to drink.
"are you okay, y/n?" calum softly asks while he walks to his bedroom.
"i'm okay! i'm at the bar alone and i had a few shots, and i started thinking about you. the boys told me that they haven't heard from you in about a week or so, and i didn't contact you because i was scared i was gonna make it worse. but i was thinking about you and i got really worried, so i called you to make sure you're okay," y/n rambles, sighing as she finishes closing her tab, picking up her bag from the table and walking towards the exit.
"you're – you're alone?" calum asks, concern laced in his voice and his face although she can't see it. "yeah, i'm just about to leave. anyways, thanks for answering. i'm glad to hear you're okay-"
"y/n i swear to god if you end this phone call right now," calum sternly tells her in response, picking up his keys and making his way to his front door. "where are you?"
"you know where i am," y/n responds softly. "you have to know where i am."
calum stops in his tracks for a brief moment before fully understanding what she means by that.
"stay there, please. i'm on my way."
—
she's sitting on the side of the pavement, a cig in her hand while she waits for him to get there. she doesn't smoke very often, but when she does, she knows her emotions are taking over.
after y/n heard from michael that calum hasn't spoken to him or the other boys in over a week, she started to feel stressed out. was the slight fallout between all of them her fault? should she have hung out that one day with michael, and maybe everything would have been okay?
she's clouded in her own thoughts, a hand on her head while she takes the last hit of her cigarette before throwing it on the ground and putting it out with the heel of her shoe. headlights start to approach her, and from the car model, she already knows that it's calum.
she gets up and lightly brushes off her body before walking towards his car. calum quickly puts his car in park before rushing over to y/n and helping her into the passengers seat of the car.
"hi calum! good to see you." y/n tells him with a lazy smile on her face, looking up at him. the happy feeling is not reciprocated, as he looks at her with a nonchalant face and nodding to adress her.
he's back in the drivers seat, putting the car back in drive when she starts to speak up again. "are you mad at me?"y/n asks softly, playing with her fingers and not making eye contact.
"i'm not mad," calum starts. "i'm just, a little disappointed. you know better than to go out alone. you know that's not safe. i was just worried about you." he breathes out heavily, focusing on the road.
"that's not what i'm talking about, y/n responds, looking at him with a sad smile. "i'm asking if you're mad at me for seeing michael, luke and ashton. i'm asking you if you're mad at me for.. for leaving you."
"y/n, i don't know if we should be talking about this, at least right now we shouldn't..." calum trails off, closing his eyes for a split second.
"you can tell me the truth, cal. you can hate me."
he looks to his right, just to see her face for just a second, and she sees her looking at him with watery eyes and a small frown. she's on the verge of tears, and he can't let that happen.
taking his right hand off the wheel and reaching for her hand, he grabs it and intertwines it with his, his thumb rubbing against the base of her thumb.
"i don't, y/n. i don't hate you. don't think i ever could."
she nods silently, and the conversation comes to an end before calum reaches her house. he exits his side and opens y/n's car door to walk her to her front door.
“thanks for helping me get home,” y/n whispers to the boy helping her stand up while he takes out her keys from her purse. not saying anything, calum unlocks the door and walks the both of them inside, shutting it behind him and helping her take off her shoes.
she’s in her change of clothes and the two of them are sitting next to each other when calum asks, “why did you go to the bar tonight?” y/n’s still kind of out of it, and she can’t quite yet process the entirety of her situation. so while she’s sitting on the edge of her bed next to calum, she does what she feels is best — pour her heart out.
“i told you earlier, i’ve been thinking about you. i’m worried about you cal.. i have been even before you stopped talking to your best friends. i know how you’ve been acting, partying and all. and i guess… i guess like i feel that it’s my fault? i never gave you a chance? i just, i just kind of got up and left without telling you.. i shouldn’t have done that. and now, the first time we talk to each other in months is a result of me getting too drunk needing help… you hurt me a lot but i didn’t realize how much i hurt you.. and i’m sorry. it’s long overdue but, i’m really sorry. if i could go back and do it over again i would.”
calum’s glassy eyes meet her sad ones as she shoots him a small smile. “please don’t be mad at them,” she finishes, talking about luke, michael and ashton. “they love you so much, and they want what’s best for you. they’re worried about you, just like how i am.” she takes her hand and gently cups calum’s face, leaning her forehead against his.
“you did nothing wrong,” he breathes out, his voice shaky. “nothing was your fault, y/n. i promise.” he can’t have this conversation. not yet. not while the girl in front of him isn’t sober, and not while his thoughts aren’t collected properly. hell, y/n might not even remember this the next day.
“y/n, i have to go. i’ll text you tomorrow to ask how you’re feeling.” calum states, getting up from y/n’s bed and beginning to leave, but she stops him by grabbing his hand. “no, it’s late. i made you pick me up. the least i could do is let you stay here,” she pleads softly, holding her grip on his hand tighter. “please don’t go.”
and while calum knows he shouldn’t do it, he sighs and enters the bed in the empty space that drunk y/n made for him. he makes sure to leave a good amount of space between the two, even if it means he's on the verge of falling of the bed.
calum's doing everything in his power to what felt like for once, to do the right thing. he's hurt her one, two, three many times before and he feels like he's walking on eggshells in this moment.
his back is facing hers and yet he still can't sleep. he can't stop thinking of all the mistakes he's made and how much pain he's caused to the one girl he's only truly loved. he also thinks about his bandmates, his brothers. how could he have acted so recklessly towards them? he knows that he knows better, and yet he still didn't show it.
despite his better judgement, calum turns around to face y/n, out like a light. she looks comfortable – she looks at peace. calum subconsciously forms a small smile, and moves the few hairs out of her face.
and in this moment, he vowed to do better. be better. not only for her, but his bestfriends, and himself.
—
he’s surprised when he sees the caller id pop up on his phone. not only that, but he’s kind of scared as well. after not talking to him for what felt like the longest they’ve ever gone without doing such, how do you approach the conversation?
luke picks up calum’s call on the third ring. “hey, cal,” he begins. “luke, i know i have a lot to explain and i just wanted to say that i’m sorry. but i think it’s better if i come talk to you in person, do you think we could do that today?” calum asks.
“i’ll be at your place in ten minutes.” and with that, luke’s out the door.
—
“you look like you haven’t gotten any sleep.” luke states the second calum opens the door for him. “i haven’t. i also haven’t changed my clothes in 3 days,” he responds, gesturing to the black hoodie and grey sweatpants he has on.
the two take a seat on the couch across from each other before calum cuts right to the chase: “i stayed at y/n’s house last night.”
luke looks shocked when the words leave his mouth, “what? how? why?”
“she called me, and she was at the bar alone. she said she was just leaving and that she called me to tell me she was thinking of me, but i couldn’t just let her get home alone so i drove to her and dropped her off. and she was saying… she was saying how she feels like it’s her fault i acted the way i did after our breakup. and, that if she could ‘do it all over again’ she would. i tried telling her nothing is her fault, but i don’t know if she took it. then she asked me to stay the night, and i did,”
“what’s the matter, cal? why did you not want to talk to us? what’s going on?”
it’s evident that luke’s concerned, and it’s written all over his face. he looks almost scared ; scared for his best friend — his brother who he loves so much.
“luke, i don’t know,” calum’s voice breaks, looking at him. “i saw you guys with y/n and it just - i just raged. i’ve never felt so mad in my life and i can’t blame anyone for it but me. and then seeing y/n act the way i did - do, i realized that the stress and hurt i was feeling was something that you guys were feeling about me, if not even worse. i didn't realize that i was ruining my life. with all the parties i threw and went to, all the fucking alcohol, i saw it as my way only out. but it wasn’t. it changed me, and for the worse. i’m so sorry, luke. i’m so sorry to you, and ash, and mike. i’ll apologize for the rest of my life if that’s what it takes,” tears are running down the both of their faces as luke pulls him in for a hug.
“it’s okay, cal. it’s okay. we know you’re in a tough spot, and we’re here to help you. we were just worried. we all are.” luke reassures calum as he sobs into his arms.
"i need- i need to call ashton and michael. tell them i'm sorry. i need to-" "hey, hey, don't worry. i'll tell them to come here. it's okay cal, we'll all be okay. don't worry." luke cuts him off, pulling away and walking towards the kitchen.
"hey, i know it's kind of early, but somebody's here to see us. and it's important, so you might wanna get here fast."
within 15 minutes both boys opened luke's front door, to be greated by their teary eyed bandmate. they're already struggling to contain their emotions, and they all pull calum into a group hug. countless confessions, apologies, and tears are shared, and at the end of it, all four boys are certain of one thing:
that it's gonna be okay.
–
calum doesn't receive a call from y/n until the evening.
she's nervous, she's so fucking nervous; she could barely click his phone number. she's worried and embarassed and all around scared. she barely even knows what she's going to say to him.
"hello?"
"hi." she simpy responds, breathing in deeply. "sorry for not calling you sooner, i just finished my shift. and, thank you for helping me last night. i know it was out of your way."
"don't apologize, it's alright. and it was no problem, i'm just glad you ended up home safe."
there's silence on both ends before y/n speaks up again. "are you busy right now? do you think, do you- can i come over?"
"oh i- oh yeah totally, for sure." what the fuck. calum feels like a thirteen year old boy talking to his middle school crush for the first time with the way he's stumbling across his words.
"okay, see you." and y/n abruptly ends the phone call before rushing out of her house.
calum's sitting and fidgeting with his hands when y/n knocks on his door. slowly walking towards and opening it, he's greeted by the girl with a small smile on her face, wearing pyjamas and one of his old tour hoodies. "hi."
"hi, come in," he holds the door for her and she walks inside, kicking off her shoes, then following calum into the kitchen where he's grabbing two glasses. "want a drink?" he asks, her nodding in response before filling the glasses with water.
"i know you're probably wondering why i asked to come over," she starts, taking a big gulp from her glass. "and honestly, i'm kind of, uh, scared. nervous. but i know we needed to talk, about a lot of things. about us. about, everything really. and, i don't know if i'll ever be brave enough to say this again."
calum can almost feel the nerves radiating from y/n. to calm her down, he walks towards her and takes a seat next to her on the island, lightly placing his hand on top of hers before gesturing her to continue.
"i.. i know i shouldn't have left the way i did. i left you with nothing. no note, no 'goodbye', no anything. and i've regretted it ever since." she confesses, closing her eyes.
calum turns to face y/n, sadness planted on his face. "i understand why you did. i fucked up, beyond compare.. and, you did what you felt was best." this was gonna be a hard conversation to have. "yesterday.. you said, that if you could do it all over again, you would have. what do you mean by that? our relationship? or?"
"no, i meant, the end of it. we didn't even have a breakup – i just took my shit and left. i should've given you a chance to explain, have a fucking conversation like adults and instead i just, i was a coward! i just fucking left you. how could i have done that?!" y/n's visibly starting to get upset, tears forming from her eyes as she tries to continue. "and then i kept hearing what you were doing, and i couldn't help but feel like i'm the one to blame for that. maybe things would have gone better if i just, let you say something, anything to me. but i didn't. and for that, i am so, so sorry. i'll never be able to apologize enough for that."
calum's about to speak up, to tell her that nothing was her fault, that she shouldn't have to apologize, but she keeps going. "and then, at michael's house. i never meant to hurt you. they were just, looking out for you and they wanted me to try and help you. when you came over and i saw the look on your face, i-i felt even more guilty, and then.. and then mike told me you went m.i.a on them, and i just - it's all my fucking fault, isn't it cal?"
y/n's in hysterics by the end of her sentence, and calum can't stand to see the sight of her in pain because of him again. he pulls her into his arms, stroking her hair while he whispers everything from no, no it's not to it's okay.
"it's not your fault, i promise, y/n, it's not," he tries to reassure her. "we both made a mistake. everything i did.. the way i acted, it's on me," calum whispers, holding her tighter, hoping that would help take all her pain away.
"i'm sorry i never realized i was leaving you behind. you're the most important person to me, and the one thing i thought i'd never do was hurt you. but that's exactly what i did. and for that.. i'm not sure i'll ever forgive myself. i lost the one thing i thought that i would have for the rest of my life, and there's nobody to blame for that but myself. not you. it was never you." calum confesses, his throat tightening up as he prepares to cry for what felt like the hundreth time that day.
she pulls away slightly, her broken, tear-stained eyes facing his soft brown ones. "i care, so fucking much about you. and knowing you were upset, and turning to alcohol, i just... i love you calum, okay? i'm not sure i'll ever feel the same way about anyone the way i did with you. i've been so fucking scared because i can't stand the thought of anything bad happening to you and i, i'm sorry cal. i'm sorry i wasn't there for you."
"no, y/n, please stop apologizing. i'm sorry that i wasn't there for you."
the pair let their emotions get the best of them, holding each other as fucking tight as they possibly could while sobs come out from the both of them. there was so many things left unsaid, and letting it all out – they both needed this. they needed each other.
calum thought that he'd never wound up in this position - doing everything in his power to reassure y/n that it's not her fault.
“i’m going to do better, okay y/n?” he quietly says to her, slightly pulling away from the embrace, taking her hand and intertwining it with hers. “i’m done with this shit, i promise. it’s not good for me - it never was. and i’m so sorry. for leaving you in the dust, and for making you worry. it’s not happening again. never again.” calum places a soft kiss to her hand while y/n wipes away her tears with her free hand. she nods in response, closing her eyes and leaning into his shoulder. she’s exhausted, but she’s happy they had the conversation. yeah, it might have resulted in choked sobs bouncing off every wall in the house, but’s it off her chest. it’s off his chest too. they’ve said everything they need to say.
“thank you, for, hearing me out. thank you for your apology, and thank you for.. everything.” y/n says to him, placing a small kiss on his cheek, before beginning to walk towards the door, and calum grabs her wrist lightly to stop her. “wait, you’re going?”
“yeah, what else would i do?”
calum’s so scared to ask this question, and he doesn’t know what answer to expect from her. but if he lets her walk out that door, he’s not sure if he’ll ever get the chance to ask her again.
“where does this leave us?”
“i don’t.. i don’t know,” she replies, as calum grabs her waist. “where do you want it to be?”
“i want it to be you and i.” he confesses. “what about you?”
“i’ve always wanted it to be you and i.” smiles creep up on both their faces, and y/n lets out a sigh. “but, things have changed and, and, i can’t just pretend like the past didn’t happen..” she trails off, a frown forming on her face.
she can leave again. she can leave, and he won’t be upset. but, calum has a chance at making everything right. with his friends, and with her. and quite frankly, y/n knows in her heart, she doesn’t want to leave either.
“sleep on it. stay the night with me. in the morning, if you don’t feel right about this, you can leave and i’ll forever be thankful we had this talk. if we hadn’t, who knows how’d i continue to act. and if you feel even the slightest bit right about this, i promise, i will never let myself hurt you again.”
as y/n looks into calum’s brown eyes, she sees a glimpse of hope lingering in them. and for once, she feels the hope between the two of them as well. relationships are bound to go through rough patches, and it’s safe to say that the two of them didn’t handle them in the best way. she knows calum. and when calum hood is determined to fix something, anything, he’ll do everything in his power to fix it.
so she grabs his hand and the two of them make their way upstairs, climbing into bed and falling asleep almost instantly.
and when calum wakes up to the girl he loves playing with his hair and kissing his forehead, he smiles, and makes another promise to himself: to never let her think she’s anything less than a stupid party.
summary ; after being rescued, emotions are high when jj finally comes to terms with what had happened between him and y/n on the island.
pairing ; jj maybank x fem!reader
notes ; ANGST, possible profanities, eventual fluff. SEASON 3 SPOILERS !! let me know if i missed any !!
i do not consent to having any of my works transferred, translated or copied to any other blog or social media. if you do so, it's stealing, and that's not cute!!
links ; main masterlist , jj maybank masterlist , taglist form
nobody in the entire world had ever made you feel so unapologetically yourself as jj maybank did. from the moment you met him, you knew he would become a constant in your life. just talking to him felt as easy as breathing – it was comfortable and warm, and he made you feel seen – because jj made everything feel easy with you.
and yet, as you stood on the lawn outside his house, you had never been so afraid of doing just that as you did now.
ever since you got back from the island that jj had dubbed ‘poguelandia’, things had been significantly different, like, something had shifted the dynamic among the group. john b was acting weird, sarah was nowhere to be found, kie and pope were on lockdown, cleo with him, and jj… well, jj had been distancing himself, but specifically from you.
it all felt so wrong. you were pogues, you were meant to have each other's backs through everything, so why did you all feel so disconnected?
with each and every step you take, your nerves only seem to intensify, knowing that you were only a few seconds away from seeing jj. making your way around the bend of the house, you're immediately taken when you catch sight of the yellow tape and eviction notice stuck to the front door.
do the other’s know about this? you think to yourself. is this why he’s been so closed off from the rest of us?
you all knew that it was going to be the hardest for jj to come back to kildare. he had no one to welcome him back or tell him how worried they were, and now his home was being taken away. it hurt your heart to know how much he was dealing with, and there was very little you could do to help ease the burden.
sure, he may not like the place as much anymore, but it was all he had left after luke bailed on him. everything other than the pogues, everything other than you - which, at the moment, you weren't so sure about either.
you hear him before you see him, the sound of metal clanging together followed by an array of curse words filling the air, and your heart sinks as you turn to see him over by the marsh, working on his bike. he looked so peaceful, despite the swearing, and in his element, unaware of your presence and the fact that you were only a measly fifteen steps behind him.
had you not already seen the eviction notice, you would've been arguing with yourself to leave, but there was no way you could do that now. you were there to check on jj, and if anything, he was going to need you now more than ever.
a lot had happened on the island, and so many memories had been made – ones that you would cherish forever, while others you wished you could forget altogether – but you never once imagined how different things with jj would be now.
as you slowly approach the blond, you try to think of something to say to break the ice but come up short when you eventually reach him, deciding on, “do you need a hand?”, instead.
jj takes a quick look at you before returning his attention to his bike, “what are you doing here?” he asks in a way that makes you believe he doesn't want you there.
the bluntness of it catches you off guard, immediately setting off a panic inside you, and you fumble over your words for a moment before settling on what to say next. though you were sure from the way he looked at you, that he didn't really care.
"well, we haven't really spoken since we got back and i just... i wanted to make sure that you were okay," you lift your shoulders into a small shrug, hands fiddling with the hem of your shirt as you offer him a friendly smile - a smile that's fast to fade when he finally turns to look at you properly.
“i’m fine,” is all he says.
you thought that after spending an entire month together, he would know better than to lie to you. you could tell that he wasn’t fine, that something had severely changed in jj. the light that once filled his eyes while you were on the island, spending your days in the sun catching fish, going for late-night swims and making coconut bras, had surely vanished. replaced by dark circles that encapsulated his eyes, proving that he hadn't been getting much sleep either.
“are you sure? because i just-”
“i’m fine,” he repeats, cutting you off in the process. “in fact, i’ve never been better.”
you gesture back to the house where the front door was covered in police tape. “what’s going on, j?”
this time when he speaks, he purses his lips with what you can only assume to be irritation as he continues sifting through his tools again, “i said i’m fine, y/n. just leave it.”
you don’t push him any further, knowing just how stubborn the maybank boy was. he wouldn’t let someone help him unless he was tied down and forced to. jj hated handouts, he hated feeling like he owed someone, so he preferred to do things via his own methods.
“okay. i’ll get out of your hair then,” you nod, burying your hands into your pockets now. “just let me know if there’s anything i can do.”
if he hears your words, he doesn’t bother to show or acknowledge it, too busy tinkering with his bike to pay you any mind. though, you don’t make it very far, only a couple of steps, before he’s opening his mouth to speak once more.
“haven’t you already done enough?” he mutters, scoffing as though he couldn’t believe the audacity of you wanting to help him.
a mix of emotions floods over you as you take in his words, the comment setting a pang off in your chest, and you turn back to him with disbelief, “what’s that supposed to mean?”
there was a bitterness to his words that lets you know his attitude towards you was about so much more than just wanting to know if he was okay. he spoke as if he was blaming you for something, and there was only one thing you knew it could’ve been.
one thing that you knew jj would be willing to use against you.
the cool night air nipped at your skin as you and jj lay on the sand, heads resting in your arms, as you stared up at the starry night sky. you didn’t think you would ever get used to this – sharing such a serene moment with jj – but it had quickly become a nightly ritual in your new island life. if you weren’t watching the stars, you were sitting by the fire, or on nights when the water was still a little warm, you’d be sneaking in a late-night swim.
“would you stay here forever if you could?” the question comes from him so abruptly. “i mean, if you had the option to go back to the obx or stay here, what would you choose?”
“it depends, am i staying here alone or are you guys here with me?” you roll onto your side, resting your head in the palm of your hand as your view changes from the night sky to the blond who seemed to hold the entire galaxy in his eyes.
jj chuckles to himself, “we’d be right here with you, always.” he scrunches his nose at the end, though it feels like there’s a secret weight to the question you don’t know about.
“go back, obviously,” you roll your eyes, watching as jj’s face contorts into an expression of faux sadness, and you playfully tap him on the shoulder, before sitting up, “i’m kidding. i’d choose to stay. if it’s where you’ll be, then so am i.”
a small silence ensues as jj thinks over your answer, and just as you had predicted, there was more to the question than he was letting on. he didn’t care so much about whether you would go or stay, he cared about whether or not you would leave him.
“what about you? if i were back in kildare, would you stay, or would you come back?” you twist his question.
his brows meet in the middle as he sits up to join you, and he pouts his lips as he pretends to be thinking really hard about it, “i’d go… wherever you are.”
“yeah?”
“yeah,” he nods, sharing a look that seemed to only be reserved for you. his eyes dancing over your features and his lip tugs up into a smirk, “after all, what’s paradise if you can’t share it with the people you love?”
you knew he didn’t mean it the way you wanted him to, but hearing him say it, and hearing him say that he would follow you back, ignited a feeling in your tummy that no one else ever had before. there was something about the way he spoke with you as if nothing else in the world mattered, and with the way the moon and the stars were shining down on him, you couldn’t help yourself.
you lean forward, but where you expected him to pull away, he meets you in the middle. there’s an urgency to the kiss, like, he had been waiting for it just as long as you had, and the second your lips touch, you feel sparks exploding inside your chest.
if anywhere in the world is worthy of being called ‘paradise’, you think, it must be this moment right here.
he tries to deepen the kiss, pushing into you more, but before he can pull you closer, pope’s voice calling out to you both causes you to pull apart, and you’re left breathless. your chest rises and falls dramatically as you try to regain your breath, while jj coins his fingers through his hair.
“we, uh, we should probably go,” jj swallows hard, but something in him has changed. he refuses to meet your eyes, refuses to show you any sort of emotion. he doesn’t even wait for you to answer before he’s dusting off the back of his pants and heading back to the group, leaving you bewildered by what had just happened.
“wait, jj,” you follow after him, but he doesn’t bother to stop, his mind solely on getting back to the others. “jj, stop, can we just-”
“no, y/n. we can’t… we can’t be doing shit like that,” he looks disappointed as he stops dead in his tracks. “just… it never happened, okay?”
that was your last night on poguelandia and had you known it would be the last, you certainly wouldn’t have let it end the way that it did. you had tried to talk to jj the next morning, but with the events that followed over the next few days, your mind had been elsewhere.
it was hard trying to get used to being back home, to not waking up with your friends, but eventually, the kiss with jj was all that you could think about; consuming your every thought.
it’s jj’s voice that cuts you from your thoughts, filling you with the same guilt that had been riddling you for the past week or so, “look, i really don’t have time for this.”
“just like you don’t have time for me anymore?” you retort, earning yourself a pointed look from the blond. you didn’t mean for it to sound so harsh, but it was the truth.
he snickers, dropping the tool in his hand on the table, before leaning against it, “no. it means, i don’t have time for this. look, you don’t need to worry about me anymore, okay? just… go, y/n. go back to your family, and your home, and let me be.”
the sound of your heart thrumming rapidly in your chest fills your ears as tears prick at the corners of your eyes. this wasn’t the jj you had spent the last month with, he was rigid and cold, and there was a look in his eyes – a twinge in his gaze as he looked at you – that made you believe that this was all your fault.
jj had never been so ruthless with you before, and seeing your best friend in such a way had you sick to your stomach.
“where is all of this coming from, j?” your voice is shaky, and yet, the only answer you’re met with is silence as your biggest fear manifests before your eyes.
you felt so small – small enough that you hoped the world would open up and swallow you whole – while jj busied himself with his tools once again, moving on as if he didn’t have a care in the world. like, everything that had happened that night, and everything he had said, was because of you. as if he hadn’t played a part in it too.
deciding that you weren’t going to take all the blame for this, you walk to the other side of the table so that he has no choice but to look at you, “you can’t just shut me out like this, okay? you’re my best fucking friend, j, and i’m not going to let you push me away.”
for a split second, jj closes his eyes as his head falls between his shoulders. you wondered what was going through his head, if he even cared about how you were feeling, or if he was just thinking of a way to get rid of you. but the words that leave his lips aren’t what you were expecting at all.
“please… just go home, y/n.” he lets out an exasperated sigh, but when he sees the determined look in your eyes, he knows that you’re not going anywhere. so he takes matters into his own hands and starts to walk away.
“jj, please stop. if i could take it all back, i would. i would take it all back in a heartbeat, but i can’t,” you feel a weird sense of deja vu as you follow behind him desperately, much like you had that night on the island. “i see the way you look at me, how much you resent me for it, okay? i see it. and i’m sorry. i’m sorry that i ruined everything.”
there’s a falter in jj’s movements as he hears the last bit, knowing damn well what it felt like to be the reckoning of all chaos in your own life; to continue down a path that he knows he shouldn’t, but does anyway.
jj looks sad as he slowly turns back around to you, clearly regretting how he had reacted to everything. he starts toying with his fingers, anxiety and worry written all over his face.
“y’know, i keep trying to tell myself that what happened between us meant nothing, that it shouldn’t have happened,” he pauses, heaving a deep breath. his movements become jittery, one hand slightly balled as the other clenches at the air. “but no matter how hard i try, i can’t stop thinking about it and about how badly i wanted it to happen.”
“so why do you keep pushing me away?”
“because it was wrong, and i knew that it was wrong but i still did it anyway.”
“was it wrong because we’re pogues or was it wrong because it was me?” your question lingers in the air for a moment, the silence almost torturous.
all that could be heard was the gentle rise and fall of the waves in the distance.
jj opens his mouth to speak, but he closes it before he does, giving you the answer you needed. you had tried to brace yourself for his answer, but nothing could possibly have prepared you for the hurt you were now feeling.
“got it,” you nod, drawing in your bottom lip and clamping your teeth down to hold back the tears that were begging to see the daylight.
you knew that being a pogue was important to jj – you were the only family he had – so much so that he would end a friendship over it. you knew that there was no getting through to him now, and after everything you’d heard, you didn’t want to stick around any longer.
turning around, you bury your hands into your pockets and start to walk away, not caring about holding back the tears anymore as they slowly start to roll down your face. your vision blurring and eyes glazing over as you trudge across the overgrown grass.
“it was wrong because we’re pogues,” jj’s voice causes you to turn back. “and being a pogue means that we stick together, but i can’t… i can’t lose anyone else, y/n. especially not you.”
confused, you take a step back in his direction, wiping away at the few tears that had fallen, “jj, i’m not going anywhere. you know that, you know -”
“-no, i’m dead serious. i’m not going to risk losing you or fucking this shit up like i do everything else. i won’t do it,” he grits his teeth, hands reaching behind his head before falling back to his sides out of frustration. “and i don’t know why everyone leaves me, but they do – maybe i’m cursed or something – but i sure as hell am not going to let that happen with you.”
“that’s not going to happen, jj.”
“you don’t…” he pauses, a pained expression on his face before it softens. “...you don’t know that.”
you could see that he was in just as much pain as you were over this, his baby-blue eyes glazing over with a mixture of fear and despair. you take another step towards him and, at first, he moves to take one back but stops when you reach for his hand.
“do you remember what you said to me that night? about staying on the island?” he nods. "you said you'd go..."
"... wherever you are." he heaves a deep breath.
"i meant what i said, j, and i know that you meant it too," you move closer, close enough that you could feel the warmth of his body suffusing through him. "and i mean it when i say i'm not going anywhere."
“you promise?” he feels almost stupid for asking it, but he was craving the reassurance.
and you give it to him, “i promise.”
with delicate movements, he lifts your hands to rest against his chest, his eyes not daring to leave your gaze for even a second. he gives you a warm smile, and you smile back, the pad of his thumb rolling over your knuckles before he drops them to caress the sides of your cheeks.
a seed of fear had awoken in your tummy, but when he raises his brows at you, you know that he was certain about what he was doing. you nod, giving him approval and he meets your lips as everything you had been holding back erupts into a long, passionate kiss. jj’s hands move to the back of your head where he pulls you in closer.
this kiss was nothing like the one you shared on the island, it was full of promise. a promise to each other, that no matter what was to happen between you both, you would never leave the other because you were pogues for life, and pogues stuck together.
summary ; after being rescued, emotions are high when jj finally comes to terms with what had happened between him and y/n on the island.
pairing ; jj maybank x fem!reader
notes ; ANGST, possible profanities, eventual fluff. SEASON 3 SPOILERS !! let me know if i missed any !!
i do not consent to having any of my works transferred, translated or copied to any other blog or social media. if you do so, it's stealing, and that's not cute!!
links ; main masterlist , jj maybank masterlist , taglist form
nobody in the entire world had ever made you feel so unapologetically yourself as jj maybank did. from the moment you met him, you knew he would become a constant in your life. just talking to him felt as easy as breathing – it was comfortable and warm, and he made you feel seen – because jj made everything feel easy with you.
and yet, as you stood on the lawn outside his house, you had never been so afraid of doing just that as you did now.
ever since you got back from the island that jj had dubbed ‘poguelandia’, things had been significantly different, like, something had shifted the dynamic among the group. john b was acting weird, sarah was nowhere to be found, kie and pope were on lockdown, cleo with him, and jj… well, jj had been distancing himself, but specifically from you.
it all felt so wrong. you were pogues, you were meant to have each other's backs through everything, so why did you all feel so disconnected?
with each and every step you take, your nerves only seem to intensify, knowing that you were only a few seconds away from seeing jj. making your way around the bend of the house, you're immediately taken when you catch sight of the yellow tape and eviction notice stuck to the front door.
do the other’s know about this? you think to yourself. is this why he’s been so closed off from the rest of us?
you all knew that it was going to be the hardest for jj to come back to kildare. he had no one to welcome him back or tell him how worried they were, and now his home was being taken away. it hurt your heart to know how much he was dealing with, and there was very little you could do to help ease the burden.
sure, he may not like the place as much anymore, but it was all he had left after luke bailed on him. everything other than the pogues, everything other than you - which, at the moment, you weren't so sure about either.
you hear him before you see him, the sound of metal clanging together followed by an array of curse words filling the air, and your heart sinks as you turn to see him over by the marsh, working on his bike. he looked so peaceful, despite the swearing, and in his element, unaware of your presence and the fact that you were only a measly fifteen steps behind him.
had you not already seen the eviction notice, you would've been arguing with yourself to leave, but there was no way you could do that now. you were there to check on jj, and if anything, he was going to need you now more than ever.
a lot had happened on the island, and so many memories had been made – ones that you would cherish forever, while others you wished you could forget altogether – but you never once imagined how different things with jj would be now.
as you slowly approach the blond, you try to think of something to say to break the ice but come up short when you eventually reach him, deciding on, “do you need a hand?”, instead.
jj takes a quick look at you before returning his attention to his bike, “what are you doing here?” he asks in a way that makes you believe he doesn't want you there.
the bluntness of it catches you off guard, immediately setting off a panic inside you, and you fumble over your words for a moment before settling on what to say next. though you were sure from the way he looked at you, that he didn't really care.
"well, we haven't really spoken since we got back and i just... i wanted to make sure that you were okay," you lift your shoulders into a small shrug, hands fiddling with the hem of your shirt as you offer him a friendly smile - a smile that's fast to fade when he finally turns to look at you properly.
“i’m fine,” is all he says.
you thought that after spending an entire month together, he would know better than to lie to you. you could tell that he wasn’t fine, that something had severely changed in jj. the light that once filled his eyes while you were on the island, spending your days in the sun catching fish, going for late-night swims and making coconut bras, had surely vanished. replaced by dark circles that encapsulated his eyes, proving that he hadn't been getting much sleep either.
“are you sure? because i just-”
“i’m fine,” he repeats, cutting you off in the process. “in fact, i’ve never been better.”
you gesture back to the house where the front door was covered in police tape. “what’s going on, j?”
this time when he speaks, he purses his lips with what you can only assume to be irritation as he continues sifting through his tools again, “i said i’m fine, y/n. just leave it.”
you don’t push him any further, knowing just how stubborn the maybank boy was. he wouldn’t let someone help him unless he was tied down and forced to. jj hated handouts, he hated feeling like he owed someone, so he preferred to do things via his own methods.
“okay. i’ll get out of your hair then,” you nod, burying your hands into your pockets now. “just let me know if there’s anything i can do.”
if he hears your words, he doesn’t bother to show or acknowledge it, too busy tinkering with his bike to pay you any mind. though, you don’t make it very far, only a couple of steps, before he’s opening his mouth to speak once more.
“haven’t you already done enough?” he mutters, scoffing as though he couldn’t believe the audacity of you wanting to help him.
a mix of emotions floods over you as you take in his words, the comment setting a pang off in your chest, and you turn back to him with disbelief, “what’s that supposed to mean?”
there was a bitterness to his words that lets you know his attitude towards you was about so much more than just wanting to know if he was okay. he spoke as if he was blaming you for something, and there was only one thing you knew it could’ve been.
one thing that you knew jj would be willing to use against you.
the cool night air nipped at your skin as you and jj lay on the sand, heads resting in your arms, as you stared up at the starry night sky. you didn’t think you would ever get used to this – sharing such a serene moment with jj – but it had quickly become a nightly ritual in your new island life. if you weren’t watching the stars, you were sitting by the fire, or on nights when the water was still a little warm, you’d be sneaking in a late-night swim.
“would you stay here forever if you could?” the question comes from him so abruptly. “i mean, if you had the option to go back to the obx or stay here, what would you choose?”
“it depends, am i staying here alone or are you guys here with me?” you roll onto your side, resting your head in the palm of your hand as your view changes from the night sky to the blond who seemed to hold the entire galaxy in his eyes.
jj chuckles to himself, “we’d be right here with you, always.” he scrunches his nose at the end, though it feels like there’s a secret weight to the question you don’t know about.
“go back, obviously,” you roll your eyes, watching as jj’s face contorts into an expression of faux sadness, and you playfully tap him on the shoulder, before sitting up, “i’m kidding. i’d choose to stay. if it’s where you’ll be, then so am i.”
a small silence ensues as jj thinks over your answer, and just as you had predicted, there was more to the question than he was letting on. he didn’t care so much about whether you would go or stay, he cared about whether or not you would leave him.
“what about you? if i were back in kildare, would you stay, or would you come back?” you twist his question.
his brows meet in the middle as he sits up to join you, and he pouts his lips as he pretends to be thinking really hard about it, “i’d go… wherever you are.”
“yeah?”
“yeah,” he nods, sharing a look that seemed to only be reserved for you. his eyes dancing over your features and his lip tugs up into a smirk, “after all, what’s paradise if you can’t share it with the people you love?”
you knew he didn’t mean it the way you wanted him to, but hearing him say it, and hearing him say that he would follow you back, ignited a feeling in your tummy that no one else ever had before. there was something about the way he spoke with you as if nothing else in the world mattered, and with the way the moon and the stars were shining down on him, you couldn’t help yourself.
you lean forward, but where you expected him to pull away, he meets you in the middle. there’s an urgency to the kiss, like, he had been waiting for it just as long as you had, and the second your lips touch, you feel sparks exploding inside your chest.
if anywhere in the world is worthy of being called ‘paradise’, you think, it must be this moment right here.
he tries to deepen the kiss, pushing into you more, but before he can pull you closer, pope’s voice calling out to you both causes you to pull apart, and you’re left breathless. your chest rises and falls dramatically as you try to regain your breath, while jj coins his fingers through his hair.
“we, uh, we should probably go,” jj swallows hard, but something in him has changed. he refuses to meet your eyes, refuses to show you any sort of emotion. he doesn’t even wait for you to answer before he’s dusting off the back of his pants and heading back to the group, leaving you bewildered by what had just happened.
“wait, jj,” you follow after him, but he doesn’t bother to stop, his mind solely on getting back to the others. “jj, stop, can we just-”
“no, y/n. we can’t… we can’t be doing shit like that,” he looks disappointed as he stops dead in his tracks. “just… it never happened, okay?”
that was your last night on poguelandia and had you known it would be the last, you certainly wouldn’t have let it end the way that it did. you had tried to talk to jj the next morning, but with the events that followed over the next few days, your mind had been elsewhere.
it was hard trying to get used to being back home, to not waking up with your friends, but eventually, the kiss with jj was all that you could think about; consuming your every thought.
it’s jj’s voice that cuts you from your thoughts, filling you with the same guilt that had been riddling you for the past week or so, “look, i really don’t have time for this.”
“just like you don’t have time for me anymore?” you retort, earning yourself a pointed look from the blond. you didn’t mean for it to sound so harsh, but it was the truth.
he snickers, dropping the tool in his hand on the table, before leaning against it, “no. it means, i don’t have time for this. look, you don’t need to worry about me anymore, okay? just… go, y/n. go back to your family, and your home, and let me be.”
the sound of your heart thrumming rapidly in your chest fills your ears as tears prick at the corners of your eyes. this wasn’t the jj you had spent the last month with, he was rigid and cold, and there was a look in his eyes – a twinge in his gaze as he looked at you – that made you believe that this was all your fault.
jj had never been so ruthless with you before, and seeing your best friend in such a way had you sick to your stomach.
“where is all of this coming from, j?” your voice is shaky, and yet, the only answer you’re met with is silence as your biggest fear manifests before your eyes.
you felt so small – small enough that you hoped the world would open up and swallow you whole – while jj busied himself with his tools once again, moving on as if he didn’t have a care in the world. like, everything that had happened that night, and everything he had said, was because of you. as if he hadn’t played a part in it too.
deciding that you weren’t going to take all the blame for this, you walk to the other side of the table so that he has no choice but to look at you, “you can’t just shut me out like this, okay? you’re my best fucking friend, j, and i’m not going to let you push me away.”
for a split second, jj closes his eyes as his head falls between his shoulders. you wondered what was going through his head, if he even cared about how you were feeling, or if he was just thinking of a way to get rid of you. but the words that leave his lips aren’t what you were expecting at all.
“please… just go home, y/n.” he lets out an exasperated sigh, but when he sees the determined look in your eyes, he knows that you’re not going anywhere. so he takes matters into his own hands and starts to walk away.
“jj, please stop. if i could take it all back, i would. i would take it all back in a heartbeat, but i can’t,” you feel a weird sense of deja vu as you follow behind him desperately, much like you had that night on the island. “i see the way you look at me, how much you resent me for it, okay? i see it. and i’m sorry. i’m sorry that i ruined everything.”
there’s a falter in jj’s movements as he hears the last bit, knowing damn well what it felt like to be the reckoning of all chaos in your own life; to continue down a path that he knows he shouldn’t, but does anyway.
jj looks sad as he slowly turns back around to you, clearly regretting how he had reacted to everything. he starts toying with his fingers, anxiety and worry written all over his face.
“y’know, i keep trying to tell myself that what happened between us meant nothing, that it shouldn’t have happened,” he pauses, heaving a deep breath. his movements become jittery, one hand slightly balled as the other clenches at the air. “but no matter how hard i try, i can’t stop thinking about it and about how badly i wanted it to happen.”
“so why do you keep pushing me away?”
“because it was wrong, and i knew that it was wrong but i still did it anyway.”
“was it wrong because we’re pogues or was it wrong because it was me?” your question lingers in the air for a moment, the silence almost torturous.
all that could be heard was the gentle rise and fall of the waves in the distance.
jj opens his mouth to speak, but he closes it before he does, giving you the answer you needed. you had tried to brace yourself for his answer, but nothing could possibly have prepared you for the hurt you were now feeling.
“got it,” you nod, drawing in your bottom lip and clamping your teeth down to hold back the tears that were begging to see the daylight.
you knew that being a pogue was important to jj – you were the only family he had – so much so that he would end a friendship over it. you knew that there was no getting through to him now, and after everything you’d heard, you didn’t want to stick around any longer.
turning around, you bury your hands into your pockets and start to walk away, not caring about holding back the tears anymore as they slowly start to roll down your face. your vision blurring and eyes glazing over as you trudge across the overgrown grass.
“it was wrong because we’re pogues,” jj’s voice causes you to turn back. “and being a pogue means that we stick together, but i can’t… i can’t lose anyone else, y/n. especially not you.”
confused, you take a step back in his direction, wiping away at the few tears that had fallen, “jj, i’m not going anywhere. you know that, you know -”
“-no, i’m dead serious. i’m not going to risk losing you or fucking this shit up like i do everything else. i won’t do it,” he grits his teeth, hands reaching behind his head before falling back to his sides out of frustration. “and i don’t know why everyone leaves me, but they do – maybe i’m cursed or something – but i sure as hell am not going to let that happen with you.”
“that’s not going to happen, jj.”
“you don’t…” he pauses, a pained expression on his face before it softens. “...you don’t know that.”
you could see that he was in just as much pain as you were over this, his baby-blue eyes glazing over with a mixture of fear and despair. you take another step towards him and, at first, he moves to take one back but stops when you reach for his hand.
“do you remember what you said to me that night? about staying on the island?” he nods. "you said you'd go..."
"... wherever you are." he heaves a deep breath.
"i meant what i said, j, and i know that you meant it too," you move closer, close enough that you could feel the warmth of his body suffusing through him. "and i mean it when i say i'm not going anywhere."
“you promise?” he feels almost stupid for asking it, but he was craving the reassurance.
and you give it to him, “i promise.”
with delicate movements, he lifts your hands to rest against his chest, his eyes not daring to leave your gaze for even a second. he gives you a warm smile, and you smile back, the pad of his thumb rolling over your knuckles before he drops them to caress the sides of your cheeks.
a seed of fear had awoken in your tummy, but when he raises his brows at you, you know that he was certain about what he was doing. you nod, giving him approval and he meets your lips as everything you had been holding back erupts into a long, passionate kiss. jj’s hands move to the back of your head where he pulls you in closer.
this kiss was nothing like the one you shared on the island, it was full of promise. a promise to each other, that no matter what was to happen between you both, you would never leave the other because you were pogues for life, and pogues stuck together.
i wanted to pop on iver, check in to see how youre doing, and to thank you for taking the time to write for those of us who cant put our thoughts into words. i love your writing sm - forever a calum girl and i get so excited when i see youve updated. i hope your day is lovely and i cant wait to see what you have coming up next <3 -k
🥹🥹
hello!!! i’ve been doing well and i hope the same goes for you <3 thank u so so much for your kind words, this is so so sweet and i appreciate it so much!!!
i’m so glad to hear you’re enjoying my writing and i cannot wait to post some more. i wish u the best and i hope u have an amazing day week month year!!! 🤍🤍🤍
Summary: Based on the One Direction song "loved you first" Calum can't help but feel jealous to see you with another man.
Warnings: Angst! Language, mentions of alcohol, smoking. Some grammatical mistakes (English is not my first language, I'm sorry)
Word count: 4.6K
Author's note: I've finally wrote an angst that broke my heart again, and I'm so happy with it. Remember that REBLOGS are very IMPORTANT AND MEAN A LOT as well as COMMENTS AND INTERACTIONS. PLEASE SUPPORT YOUR WRITERS. Hope you like it and happy reading
My masterlist // taglist on bio!
Calum was choking the hell out of his beer can, leaving the imprints of his fingers as evidence for the poor soul that had to clean this mess up later.
It was an unconscious type of thing - he’s been doing a lot of unconscious things lately, none of them his fault, he would argue - but the intent behind it is nothing innocent.
There was a time when he used to be the life of the party. Or at least a bit more vivid than just standing in a far-off corner glaring at someone who barely paid attention to him. He didn’t mean to glare or to even look in their direction, but it was impossible to take his eyes off them. It was almost as if he wanted to hurt so badly he’d find a way out of heartache. Battle fire with fire and those sorts of things.
“Okay, who are we hatin’?”
He didn’t even need to look to his right to know that Ashton was standing there even before he spoke. His friend - the ever more intuitive when it came to talking about heartbreak or breaking hearts - should already know the answer to his question, and Calum knows he knows. Ashton just wants him to admit it.
Still, Ashton followed his gaze till it landed on the target.
“Cal,” He sighed “You can’t keep doing this to yourself. Nor her, for that matter”
“I’m not doing anything” Calum mumbled into his drink.
“You’re overthinking”
“And you should mind your own business” He spat, leaving the poor, abused can on the shelf behind him.
Calum walked outside, trying to get some air before his hands started roaming through his pockets looking for his pack of cigarettes. He tried to quit it, and many times he tried in vain. There was always something that pulled him into the vice again. Tonight was the selfish need of having the power to hurt himself without people noticing. Something he could regret tomorrow. Something that didn’t involve making the mistake of spilling and saying what he should’ve said years ago.
The lighter provided the only gleam of the outsides that night. As Calum inhaled the toxins of his favorite weapon, he closed his eyes and hoped to wake up and let all of this be a dream. But that wish went away with the smoke he pulled out of his lungs, watching it disappear into the night till it merged with the stars above.
He was not a man used to not getting what he wanted. So is this a gut punch to his ego? Yes, of course. But had he not been in love for some time he’d believe that it’ll come to pass, ignoring the heart-wrenching reality of him not being able to lightly caress your hair with the tip of his fingers; or not care about how his body moved him toward your space every time you were around; or claim that the times you were both in a group laughing, he would stare at you, drinking on your reaction and getting drunk of your laugh, while you stared at someone else.
It was just usual for him not getting what he wanted. But this was beyond any desire of his. This, for a lack of better words, was beyond his reach. And he hated it. He hated every moment of it since the first time he realized it, hoping it’ll go away.
But what could he expect from falling for his best friend?
*
Calum always believed in past lives and how you’re meant to reconnect with people that have meant something important to you. Whether it was in the form of a mother, a father, a pet, a friend, a teacher, a lover… Soulmates will find their way.
He also believed that his brothers were his soulmates. He knows deep in his heart that Luke, Michael, Ashton, and himself were meant to meet in every life, making music and sharing their message across the world for other people to hear. He also believed that his dog, Duke, might’ve come to him as a guide. An old teacher who bound his life to appear in the moments he needed most. He believes that his family would always be his family, maybe in different ways, but they’ll always come together one way or another.
Now, there is one thing Calum isn’t sure of, and that is you.
What were you to him before? Why are you here with him? And why does he feel compelled to be your everything?
When you met years ago, Calum didn’t think much of that first encounter. You were just a friend of a friend, a normal acquaintance. But then you kept meeting each other, whether at a party or a concert. And every time you grew closer. Whether it was the jokes you shared, the similar tastes in music and movies, the way you made each other laugh, or the secret codes you accidentally created. He was just eighteen back then, but he knew it had to mean something.
He just couldn’t figure out what role you played in his life. Not yet, at least.
“I don’t think that because you had a bad experience with milk you become lactose intolerant,” You said casually as you applied your mascara in the mirror.
It was not unusual for Calum to find himself pressing the facetime button to call you every day now, especially given that he was on the other side of the country touring with his band. The calls would mostly consist of him telling you about his day and you doing the same as the two of you would go on with your lives as if you were in the same room together even though you’re miles apart.
The two of you would indulge in conversations that could be as deep as a puddle of water - as the one you’re having now - or as deep as the sea. Never once feeling uncomfortable or falling silent. And even in the quiet types of calls, when you only need to feel each other’s presence after a long day, you would embrace the silence as a comfort rather than an inconvenience.
And Calum loved that. He loved these little moments with you. It didn’t matter if they lasted two minutes or three hours. He just knew that talking to you was one of the top best moments of his day.
He just didn’t understand why yet
“I could be, though” He pouted, watching as you applied blush to your cheeks “And the next time you take me for ice cream I might die and it’ll be your fault for playing it down”
You chuckled “I don’t think that’s how it works, babe”
And there it was, that little, weird feeling that made him all warm and fuzzy inside, triggered by a nickname. Calum quickly swallowed it down, just marking it up as the victory that was to make you laugh.
Still, he changed the subject.
“Why are you getting all dolled up?” He asked. Ignoring the way Luke looked at him for a second before going back to playing subway surfers on his phone.
“I’m going out”
“Where?”
“Dinner I guess, probably dancing afterward” You shrugged, trying to decide on which lipstick would suit best with your outfit.
“Girls' night?”
“No, it’s more like a date, I think. Well, he didn’t actually say “date - date” but I mean, he did everything you do when you ask someone for a date and-” You looked at your phone screen “Are you okay?”
Only then did Calum realize he clenched his jaw. He blinked at you and disguised it with a fake yawn.
“I didn’t know you had a date,” He said, trying to sound uninterested, but Luke’s eyes on him told him he was a bullshit actor.
You didn’t seem to catch it, though.
“I told you I was going out with Jessie”
“I thought you meant Jessica”
“Does it matter?” You asked, cornering him to a wall - metaphorically.
Calum sighed “Nope, just be safe and have fun, alright?”
You rolled your eyes and sarcastically said “Yes, dad” as you applied some gloss. Just in time for the doorbell to ring “Oops, that’s him. Wish me luck!”
And it might’ve been your smile and the way your eyes lit up when the doorbell rang knowing it was Jessie on the other side, or it might’ve been the spoiled milk he had in his coffee earlier. But there was an uneasy, foreign feeling in Calum’s chest as you said goodbye. Almost as if he didn’t want you to go at all.
But that was crazy. It’s probably nothing. So he smiled tightly and said “Bye, Y/N/N” and watched as you faded away before the facetime call ended.
Calum closed his eyes for a moment, frowning upon discovering this sunken feeling in his chest.
However, it didn’t last much as Luke was suddenly blasting “Jessie’s girl” through the hotel room’s speakers. Calum - rightfully so - smacked him with a pillow.
“Shut up” He groaned.
“I didn’t say anything!” Luke laughed
“You were going to!”
“How the fuck should you know?!”
A string of grumbled curses left Calum’s lips as he got up from the bed and went through his suitcase.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m going out with Ash, wanna come?” He said, putting on a clean shirt.
“I didn’t know you were going out” Luke commented as he got up and went to find a shirt as well.
“We are now, c’mon”
To say the other two were surprised by Calum’s sudden need to go partying was an understatement given that Michael already was in his pajamas when the bassist went and knocked on their door, but neither of them was opposed to the idea. Soon, the whole band was dancing and drinking out at a club neither of them knew about one hour ago.
And if Calum was seen dancing and making out with a girl that looked like you, it was no one’s business but his own. And when he woke up next to a said girl a few hours later, no one needed to know.
*
The night was turning warmer, though that could be because of the alcohol and the three cigarettes he had since he came outside. The party was still in full swing but he wanted no part of that. Not when you were there with… him.
It’s stupid and he knows it. To have this unsolved grudge against you and every person you date.
You don’t owe him anything, no explanation or justification for any relationship you had or the one you were currently in. But he can’t help it. It’s just that every time he sees you wrapped around your partner’s arms he just wants to rip them off you and shield you from anyone’s eyes. From the moment he first noticed his feelings toward you it was clear that he couldn’t act on them to not ruin the relationship you two have.
He hates them. Every single one of them, every bloke that broke your heart or made you cry. He hates the ones you fell in love with, the ones that loved you back. The one that’s sitting on the couch next to you with his arms around your shoulder and the one that makes you laugh. He hates him the most and he’s not above showing it.
It’s not healthy but he doesn’t know how to stop.
“Why are you so protective of me?” You asked him once and he didn’t know how to tell you, so he made his heart quiet as his mind gave him a logical reason.
There were so many times when he could’ve fessed up and just tell you as it is. To make him the one that you would share your nights with instead of useless men who are not worthy of you.
Was he worthy of you?
Time for another cigarette.
*
Calum opened the door to find you there with a friendly smile; a pint of ice cream; a skin-care kit; and a bottle of wine. He couldn’t help but laugh as he stepped back so you could enter his house.
“I told you I’m fine,” He said, shaking his head as you made yourself comfortable on his couch, settling all the post-break-up necessities on the table.
“And I believe you,” You shrugged. “But I also know you, Cal. And you say you’re okay now but in a week it’ll all crash down as it always does because you bottle up your feelings. So let’s get them out of the way while we avoid the wreckage”
“I thought you didn’t even like her,” He said, sitting down next to you.
“I never said that!”
Calum gave you a look.
“I just didn’t think you were a good fit… that’s all” You confessed sheepishly.
Calum sighed “Well, you were right”
“I didn’t want to be” You scooted closer to him “I’m sorry, Cal. You truly seemed happy with her. And I liked seeing you happy”
He nodded but didn’t say anything. The break-up happened just a couple of days ago, and you were right when it came to talking about feelings now rather than later. But it was all so very new to him.
“I just- I never had a relationship like this before” He confessed.
“You really liked her, didn’t you?”
And yes, he did. For the first time in years, Calum could actually focus on a relationship. He had met his ex at a party, they talked all night and then he went home with her number saved on his phone. What followed were almost two years of amazing moments and memories filled with love but… something wasn’t right.
It wasn’t something any of them did, it just sort of happened. Blame the routine and the lack of effort from both parties, but they didn’t feel as if the relationship should continue. Yes, he would always feel something for her and would treasure those memories with care. Yet, he can’t say he’s sad and broken.
All his past relationships ended in heartbreak because his partners felt like a third wheel in their own relationships. And they had every right to break up with him. For all he knew, Calum just jumped into those relationships to get over you or to distract himself into loving another person that wasn’t you, all for nothing. Yet this relationship seemed like the real deal, the one that could actually sweep him off his feet and take his mind off of you, truly making him feel alive. And it worked until it didn’t. Until she called things off saying
“I don’t know if it’s me or if it’s you, but this is not working. We haven’t been working for a while now, have we?”
All he could do was agree and let her go. He loved her enough to do that without a fight. Or didn’t love her as he should. And maybe all she wanted was for him to fight for them, guess he let themselves down on that one.
But if all these break-ups had something in common, is that you would always be there by his side to cheer him up.
“She deserves someone that can provide her with what she needs,” He said as you both sit with face masks and two glasses of wine filled to the brim “I guess it was not meant to be me”
“I’m sorry, Cal” You gave him a small, apologetic smile, while your hand went to his shoulder and squeezed it. His hand soon fell on top of yours “I’m proud of your decision, though, you and hers. It’s not healthy to be hung up in a relationship that’s just not going anywhere”
“Yeah, I know” He sighed, hiding the small smile that popped up when you didn’t retrieve your hand from his “It’s not like I’m heartbroken or anything, it’s just- I guess I’m just frustrated that we couldn’t make it work. None of my relationships seem to last because of that”
“Well, have you wondered why?” You sat up with interest, turning toward him and moving your hand to his thigh. Something completely innocent on your part, but that still made Calum’s heart beat a little bit faster.
“Of course I have”
“So what is keeping you from going after what you want in a relationship? Is it a previous heartbreak?”
“No… I don’t think I had one of those before” He said like a liar.
He knew that his heart was in perpetual mourning because of you, he was just too proud to admit it. All his past attempts at love were only meant to get over you and forget about the person you were currently hung up with.
Whenever you would tell him about a date or a new partner he’d made sure he’d have another story for you. Some of them made up on the spot, some taking inspiration from one of his friend’s dates, some of them real but without the same, genuine excitement you showed for your love life. A love life that didn’t include him.
Unconsciously, he made it a competition. Did you go on a date? He went on two. Did you kiss someone? He spent the night in another bed. All just so you could give him some type of reaction. Any indication that you were mad or uncomfortable about it. About him dating someone that isn't you. But every time you were supportive, feeling happy for him, and even encouraging him to call girls he didn’t even want to know more than just a one-night stand.
Calum only ever wanted for you to feel like he feels whenever he has to hear about the new guy that brought you flowers; the one that took you on a spontaneous trip to the Grand Canyon; or the one that cooked you a homemade meal for your first date. All the things that were killing him, he hoped you could feel at least a small amount of it. Waiting for you to realize it sooner rather than later.
“What?” You chuckled, nudging him with your elbow “The great Calum Hood never had his heart broken, he just breaks all the hearts along the way”
He laughed, pushing you slightly “Not all the hearts”
“Oh yeah, the other ones are Ashton’s job”
Calum just shook his head, quieting the voice in his head telling him that he didn’t break all the hearts because he was not going to break yours if given the chance to have it.
“Laugh all you want, you little gremlin,” He said
“Aww, Cal, I’m sorry” You pouted “I didn’t mean to upset you. I just really want you to be happy, you know? Find your person and all of that”
“I am happy, Y/N” He stated matter-of-factly “I have the band, the fans, Duke… I have you”
“I know, and I’m also so happy to have you” You smiled, lacing your fingers with his “But I’m talking about “the one”. You know, the one that makes your heart go crazy and the world spin around slower. The one that occupies your mind and every time you think about them you can’t help but smile. Someone that you can actually fall in love with. I’m not talking about marriage or things that we don’t believe in most of the time. But the one that makes the heartbreaks and disappointments all worth it because it led you to them”
Calum stared at you with an unreadable look in his eyes. How could you describe exactly what he was feeling but still have no idea that he has those feelings for you?
It has been a long time since he accepted you as being more than friends, or at least in his heart he knows you could be more. You were just perfect in every way, made just for him. And he loves you, he loves you so much without a hint of fear or doubt. But you just can’t see it.
“Maybe there is someone…” He mumbled, ready to spill his heart out to you on a silver platter.
But before you could register his words, your phone started ringing.
“Shit, wait a second,” You said, grabbing your phone from the table. Calum saw the small smile that formed on your lips before you declined the call “Sorry, what did you say?”
“Y/N, I-” He started again, and once again your phone interrupted him. He sighed “You should get that”
“What?” You asked, already silencing the phone again “No, it’s nothing, I promise”
“Who is it, though?”
“Oh, it’s just Matt”
“Matt?”
“Yeah, I told you about him, remember?” And he wished he didn’t.
You told him you were going on a date with someone called Matt a couple of weeks ago. He didn’t know you were still talking, let alone that you moved on to the “call” phase of the relationship. And now he couldn’t help but notice the gleam in your eyes when you said his name, a gleam that he knew would never be reserved for him.
“I forgot to tell him that he needn’t call me tonight” You sighed, already texting him. Calum could see the disappointment in your eyes.
“You should call him”
“What? No, Cal, I’m here for you and nothing is going to change that”
“I know, and thank you for that,” He said, faking his smile as much as he could “But I know you, and I know you want to call him so go ahead. I don’t mind”
You sighed “Thanks, babe. I’m just going to tell him tonight is off limits, it’ll take five minutes and then I’m all yours”
Oh and how it hurt him hearing you laugh from the kitchen as those five minutes went on. You sounded so happy and full of joy… he couldn’t take that from you now and, plus, would you even believe him?
Matt… what does he have that Calum doesn’t? Apparently, all the necessary to make you come back all giddy and blushing.
And when you sat up next to him and changed the topic back to Calum, his glass was already half empty.
*
“Hey, mate” Calum heard after the door slid open. Ashton soon stood next to him “Ready to go back in there?”
“Would Michael miss me if I don’t sing happy birthday to him?”
“You will break his heart” Ashton chuckled, trying to make him laugh as well but to no avail “You can’t avoid her forever, you know? She’s starting to notice”
“Well about fucking time” Calum spat, throwing the last of his cigarette to the floor.
Ashton sighed “Cal, c’mon… It’s not fair on her”
“It’s not fair to me either! What do you think, Ash? Do you think it’s funny for me to see her with him? To know every fucking detail of her happy life with Matt as if it didn’t kill me inside? It’s been years! Years where I have been so fucking close to telling her how I feel but there’s always him in the middle!”
He wasn’t crying, and he would not cry either. But he stopped hiding the rage he felt as his true feelings came spilling out of his mouth like a fountain of truth. He’d never said any of this out loud but now it seemed impossible to stop it.
“I’m just so fucking tired of seeing her with him. Seeing her kissing him, holding his hand, going on dates… All the things I should be doing with her”
“Cal…”
“No, fuck it! It’s true! It should be me! It always should’ve been me” His voice broke a little in the end “I should be the one in his place. I should’ve told her everything that night years ago, then I could be the one sitting on the couch with her, laughing and sharing those touches she thinks no one sees. But I do. All the fucking time those moments play on a loop inside my head and it’s making me want to scream.
She’s the first girl I ever loved, the one that breaks my heart every single day because I keep letting her. She’s the one that’s making me feel like this without her knowing and it’s not fair! I could go in there right now and tell her how I feel but that won’t change a thing! She’ll still choose him! But I loved her first, Ash. I loved her first!”
Suddenly, all the air in his lungs was being crushed as Ashton brought him closer for a bone-wrenching hug.
For the first time that night, Calum relaxed. He let his body fall against Ashton’s frame as he hugged him back, hiding his face in his neck as the high of his confession wore off.
“I know it hurts,” Ashton said, lowly “But you can’t keep doing this to yourself, Cal”
“I know,” He sighed, pulling himself from the hug and patting Ashton’s arms “I don’t want to feel this way but I just can’t- I can’t let her go”
“Then try. You love her, do that for her”
“But what if-”
“If she feels the same and realizes that someday, then she’ll come to you. Don’t keep on waiting for an “if” Cal, you deserve more than that and so does Y/N”
Calum sighed and nodded, shaking his head a minute later from the overload of feelings. It wasn’t normal for him to snap like that, but it has been years since he kept it all in. It was bound to come out sooner or later, but he’d hope for a better outcome.
“Knock-knock!” Someone said behind them “Am I interrupting something?”
The two of them turn around to find you standing at the door, smiling at them as if nothing happened.
Immediately Calum started to panic, fearing that you’d heard everything. He said he hated your boyfriend, that he wishes he’d take his place, that he loved you… And you might’ve heard all of it while he was on a rant.
“H-hey, Y/N! Not at all, what’s up?” Ashton played the calm one, giving Calum time to freak out internally.
You were still smiling at them as you pointed back inside “We’re about to sing happy birthday, didn’t think you wanted to miss out”
You were acting so calm, with a big, kind smile on your face. Maybe you didn’t hear anything and just watched them hug awkwardly for a minute there. Calum could only hope. But then you smiled at him and nudged your head toward the party, and all he could do was breathe out and smile back, calming his nerves a little bit.
The three of you went back inside, quickly surrounding Michael as Luke brought out the cake and you all started to sing.
Calum looked back at you, standing next to Matt and leaning your head on his shoulder as your hands laced together. You looked briefly at your boyfriend and smiled, looking as happy as ever.
“Happy birthday dear Michael…”
And then it happened. For just one moment you looked back at Calum when he was already looking at you and his heart stopped.
You gave him a small, sad smile and shook your head no.
“Happy birthday to you!”
And all his hopes went away with the blow of the candles.
*
*
tags: @iknowyouthinkimbulletproof @mystic-232 @talksoprettyjjx @theshyspy @hoodhoran @hoodharlow @littledrummeraussie @bubblegum183 @irwin-fletcher-ash @wiiildflowerrr @in-a-world-of-fandoms @another-lonely-heart @aabc5sauce @in-superbloom @sadcupofcoffee @personalmuyverypersonal @himbohood @sofiaaraee @irwindoll @weasleytwinscumslut @fairytrice @colourfulcal @nibin0912 @hfkait @savagejane1 @youneedtocalumdown @heyitskelseaj @ashtonsunflower @nicebasscalum @calumspupils @secretsicanthideanymore @alltimesos @wontlastimokwiththat @whywontyoulovemecami @theimpossiblehologramtree @perriexed @abiancajg @rewmuslupin @icelily13 @bookthingz @gracieboogirl @fastandtheformula1 @fckingpernico @multistann @averageantichrist @a-darneddarling @plaidshirtyears @ihavenoideawhattodowithyou @bittersweetb4by @aria-grace-scott @thestarsandtheircoffee @bvbygxrl @luisa180206 @xxxlaura @iamdayanaz @flyingburrito123 @drugerlime
Summary: Based on the One Direction song "loved you first" Calum can't help but feel jealous to see you with another man.
Warnings: Angst! Language, mentions of alcohol, smoking. Some grammatical mistakes (English is not my first language, I'm sorry)
Word count: 4.6K
Author's note: I've finally wrote an angst that broke my heart again, and I'm so happy with it. Remember that REBLOGS are very IMPORTANT AND MEAN A LOT as well as COMMENTS AND INTERACTIONS. PLEASE SUPPORT YOUR WRITERS. Hope you like it and happy reading
My masterlist // taglist on bio!
Calum was choking the hell out of his beer can, leaving the imprints of his fingers as evidence for the poor soul that had to clean this mess up later.
It was an unconscious type of thing - he’s been doing a lot of unconscious things lately, none of them his fault, he would argue - but the intent behind it is nothing innocent.
There was a time when he used to be the life of the party. Or at least a bit more vivid than just standing in a far-off corner glaring at someone who barely paid attention to him. He didn’t mean to glare or to even look in their direction, but it was impossible to take his eyes off them. It was almost as if he wanted to hurt so badly he’d find a way out of heartache. Battle fire with fire and those sorts of things.
“Okay, who are we hatin’?”
He didn’t even need to look to his right to know that Ashton was standing there even before he spoke. His friend - the ever more intuitive when it came to talking about heartbreak or breaking hearts - should already know the answer to his question, and Calum knows he knows. Ashton just wants him to admit it.
Still, Ashton followed his gaze till it landed on the target.
“Cal,” He sighed “You can’t keep doing this to yourself. Nor her, for that matter”
“I’m not doing anything” Calum mumbled into his drink.
“You’re overthinking”
“And you should mind your own business” He spat, leaving the poor, abused can on the shelf behind him.
Calum walked outside, trying to get some air before his hands started roaming through his pockets looking for his pack of cigarettes. He tried to quit it, and many times he tried in vain. There was always something that pulled him into the vice again. Tonight was the selfish need of having the power to hurt himself without people noticing. Something he could regret tomorrow. Something that didn’t involve making the mistake of spilling and saying what he should’ve said years ago.
The lighter provided the only gleam of the outsides that night. As Calum inhaled the toxins of his favorite weapon, he closed his eyes and hoped to wake up and let all of this be a dream. But that wish went away with the smoke he pulled out of his lungs, watching it disappear into the night till it merged with the stars above.
He was not a man used to not getting what he wanted. So is this a gut punch to his ego? Yes, of course. But had he not been in love for some time he’d believe that it’ll come to pass, ignoring the heart-wrenching reality of him not being able to lightly caress your hair with the tip of his fingers; or not care about how his body moved him toward your space every time you were around; or claim that the times you were both in a group laughing, he would stare at you, drinking on your reaction and getting drunk of your laugh, while you stared at someone else.
It was just usual for him not getting what he wanted. But this was beyond any desire of his. This, for a lack of better words, was beyond his reach. And he hated it. He hated every moment of it since the first time he realized it, hoping it’ll go away.
But what could he expect from falling for his best friend?
*
Calum always believed in past lives and how you’re meant to reconnect with people that have meant something important to you. Whether it was in the form of a mother, a father, a pet, a friend, a teacher, a lover… Soulmates will find their way.
He also believed that his brothers were his soulmates. He knows deep in his heart that Luke, Michael, Ashton, and himself were meant to meet in every life, making music and sharing their message across the world for other people to hear. He also believed that his dog, Duke, might’ve come to him as a guide. An old teacher who bound his life to appear in the moments he needed most. He believes that his family would always be his family, maybe in different ways, but they’ll always come together one way or another.
Now, there is one thing Calum isn’t sure of, and that is you.
What were you to him before? Why are you here with him? And why does he feel compelled to be your everything?
When you met years ago, Calum didn’t think much of that first encounter. You were just a friend of a friend, a normal acquaintance. But then you kept meeting each other, whether at a party or a concert. And every time you grew closer. Whether it was the jokes you shared, the similar tastes in music and movies, the way you made each other laugh, or the secret codes you accidentally created. He was just eighteen back then, but he knew it had to mean something.
He just couldn’t figure out what role you played in his life. Not yet, at least.
“I don’t think that because you had a bad experience with milk you become lactose intolerant,” You said casually as you applied your mascara in the mirror.
It was not unusual for Calum to find himself pressing the facetime button to call you every day now, especially given that he was on the other side of the country touring with his band. The calls would mostly consist of him telling you about his day and you doing the same as the two of you would go on with your lives as if you were in the same room together even though you’re miles apart.
The two of you would indulge in conversations that could be as deep as a puddle of water - as the one you’re having now - or as deep as the sea. Never once feeling uncomfortable or falling silent. And even in the quiet types of calls, when you only need to feel each other’s presence after a long day, you would embrace the silence as a comfort rather than an inconvenience.
And Calum loved that. He loved these little moments with you. It didn’t matter if they lasted two minutes or three hours. He just knew that talking to you was one of the top best moments of his day.
He just didn’t understand why yet
“I could be, though” He pouted, watching as you applied blush to your cheeks “And the next time you take me for ice cream I might die and it’ll be your fault for playing it down”
You chuckled “I don’t think that’s how it works, babe”
And there it was, that little, weird feeling that made him all warm and fuzzy inside, triggered by a nickname. Calum quickly swallowed it down, just marking it up as the victory that was to make you laugh.
Still, he changed the subject.
“Why are you getting all dolled up?” He asked. Ignoring the way Luke looked at him for a second before going back to playing subway surfers on his phone.
“I’m going out”
“Where?”
“Dinner I guess, probably dancing afterward” You shrugged, trying to decide on which lipstick would suit best with your outfit.
“Girls' night?”
“No, it’s more like a date, I think. Well, he didn’t actually say “date - date” but I mean, he did everything you do when you ask someone for a date and-” You looked at your phone screen “Are you okay?”
Only then did Calum realize he clenched his jaw. He blinked at you and disguised it with a fake yawn.
“I didn’t know you had a date,” He said, trying to sound uninterested, but Luke’s eyes on him told him he was a bullshit actor.
You didn’t seem to catch it, though.
“I told you I was going out with Jessie”
“I thought you meant Jessica”
“Does it matter?” You asked, cornering him to a wall - metaphorically.
Calum sighed “Nope, just be safe and have fun, alright?”
You rolled your eyes and sarcastically said “Yes, dad” as you applied some gloss. Just in time for the doorbell to ring “Oops, that’s him. Wish me luck!”
And it might’ve been your smile and the way your eyes lit up when the doorbell rang knowing it was Jessie on the other side, or it might’ve been the spoiled milk he had in his coffee earlier. But there was an uneasy, foreign feeling in Calum’s chest as you said goodbye. Almost as if he didn’t want you to go at all.
But that was crazy. It’s probably nothing. So he smiled tightly and said “Bye, Y/N/N” and watched as you faded away before the facetime call ended.
Calum closed his eyes for a moment, frowning upon discovering this sunken feeling in his chest.
However, it didn’t last much as Luke was suddenly blasting “Jessie’s girl” through the hotel room’s speakers. Calum - rightfully so - smacked him with a pillow.
“Shut up” He groaned.
“I didn’t say anything!” Luke laughed
“You were going to!”
“How the fuck should you know?!”
A string of grumbled curses left Calum’s lips as he got up from the bed and went through his suitcase.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m going out with Ash, wanna come?” He said, putting on a clean shirt.
“I didn’t know you were going out” Luke commented as he got up and went to find a shirt as well.
“We are now, c’mon”
To say the other two were surprised by Calum’s sudden need to go partying was an understatement given that Michael already was in his pajamas when the bassist went and knocked on their door, but neither of them was opposed to the idea. Soon, the whole band was dancing and drinking out at a club neither of them knew about one hour ago.
And if Calum was seen dancing and making out with a girl that looked like you, it was no one’s business but his own. And when he woke up next to a said girl a few hours later, no one needed to know.
*
The night was turning warmer, though that could be because of the alcohol and the three cigarettes he had since he came outside. The party was still in full swing but he wanted no part of that. Not when you were there with… him.
It’s stupid and he knows it. To have this unsolved grudge against you and every person you date.
You don’t owe him anything, no explanation or justification for any relationship you had or the one you were currently in. But he can’t help it. It’s just that every time he sees you wrapped around your partner’s arms he just wants to rip them off you and shield you from anyone’s eyes. From the moment he first noticed his feelings toward you it was clear that he couldn’t act on them to not ruin the relationship you two have.
He hates them. Every single one of them, every bloke that broke your heart or made you cry. He hates the ones you fell in love with, the ones that loved you back. The one that’s sitting on the couch next to you with his arms around your shoulder and the one that makes you laugh. He hates him the most and he’s not above showing it.
It’s not healthy but he doesn’t know how to stop.
“Why are you so protective of me?” You asked him once and he didn’t know how to tell you, so he made his heart quiet as his mind gave him a logical reason.
There were so many times when he could’ve fessed up and just tell you as it is. To make him the one that you would share your nights with instead of useless men who are not worthy of you.
Was he worthy of you?
Time for another cigarette.
*
Calum opened the door to find you there with a friendly smile; a pint of ice cream; a skin-care kit; and a bottle of wine. He couldn’t help but laugh as he stepped back so you could enter his house.
“I told you I’m fine,” He said, shaking his head as you made yourself comfortable on his couch, settling all the post-break-up necessities on the table.
“And I believe you,” You shrugged. “But I also know you, Cal. And you say you’re okay now but in a week it’ll all crash down as it always does because you bottle up your feelings. So let’s get them out of the way while we avoid the wreckage”
“I thought you didn’t even like her,” He said, sitting down next to you.
“I never said that!”
Calum gave you a look.
“I just didn’t think you were a good fit… that’s all” You confessed sheepishly.
Calum sighed “Well, you were right”
“I didn’t want to be” You scooted closer to him “I’m sorry, Cal. You truly seemed happy with her. And I liked seeing you happy”
He nodded but didn’t say anything. The break-up happened just a couple of days ago, and you were right when it came to talking about feelings now rather than later. But it was all so very new to him.
“I just- I never had a relationship like this before” He confessed.
“You really liked her, didn’t you?”
And yes, he did. For the first time in years, Calum could actually focus on a relationship. He had met his ex at a party, they talked all night and then he went home with her number saved on his phone. What followed were almost two years of amazing moments and memories filled with love but… something wasn’t right.
It wasn’t something any of them did, it just sort of happened. Blame the routine and the lack of effort from both parties, but they didn’t feel as if the relationship should continue. Yes, he would always feel something for her and would treasure those memories with care. Yet, he can’t say he’s sad and broken.
All his past relationships ended in heartbreak because his partners felt like a third wheel in their own relationships. And they had every right to break up with him. For all he knew, Calum just jumped into those relationships to get over you or to distract himself into loving another person that wasn’t you, all for nothing. Yet this relationship seemed like the real deal, the one that could actually sweep him off his feet and take his mind off of you, truly making him feel alive. And it worked until it didn’t. Until she called things off saying
“I don’t know if it’s me or if it’s you, but this is not working. We haven’t been working for a while now, have we?”
All he could do was agree and let her go. He loved her enough to do that without a fight. Or didn’t love her as he should. And maybe all she wanted was for him to fight for them, guess he let themselves down on that one.
But if all these break-ups had something in common, is that you would always be there by his side to cheer him up.
“She deserves someone that can provide her with what she needs,” He said as you both sit with face masks and two glasses of wine filled to the brim “I guess it was not meant to be me”
“I’m sorry, Cal” You gave him a small, apologetic smile, while your hand went to his shoulder and squeezed it. His hand soon fell on top of yours “I’m proud of your decision, though, you and hers. It’s not healthy to be hung up in a relationship that’s just not going anywhere”
“Yeah, I know” He sighed, hiding the small smile that popped up when you didn’t retrieve your hand from his “It’s not like I’m heartbroken or anything, it’s just- I guess I’m just frustrated that we couldn’t make it work. None of my relationships seem to last because of that”
“Well, have you wondered why?” You sat up with interest, turning toward him and moving your hand to his thigh. Something completely innocent on your part, but that still made Calum’s heart beat a little bit faster.
“Of course I have”
“So what is keeping you from going after what you want in a relationship? Is it a previous heartbreak?”
“No… I don’t think I had one of those before” He said like a liar.
He knew that his heart was in perpetual mourning because of you, he was just too proud to admit it. All his past attempts at love were only meant to get over you and forget about the person you were currently hung up with.
Whenever you would tell him about a date or a new partner he’d made sure he’d have another story for you. Some of them made up on the spot, some taking inspiration from one of his friend’s dates, some of them real but without the same, genuine excitement you showed for your love life. A love life that didn’t include him.
Unconsciously, he made it a competition. Did you go on a date? He went on two. Did you kiss someone? He spent the night in another bed. All just so you could give him some type of reaction. Any indication that you were mad or uncomfortable about it. About him dating someone that isn't you. But every time you were supportive, feeling happy for him, and even encouraging him to call girls he didn’t even want to know more than just a one-night stand.
Calum only ever wanted for you to feel like he feels whenever he has to hear about the new guy that brought you flowers; the one that took you on a spontaneous trip to the Grand Canyon; or the one that cooked you a homemade meal for your first date. All the things that were killing him, he hoped you could feel at least a small amount of it. Waiting for you to realize it sooner rather than later.
“What?” You chuckled, nudging him with your elbow “The great Calum Hood never had his heart broken, he just breaks all the hearts along the way”
He laughed, pushing you slightly “Not all the hearts”
“Oh yeah, the other ones are Ashton’s job”
Calum just shook his head, quieting the voice in his head telling him that he didn’t break all the hearts because he was not going to break yours if given the chance to have it.
“Laugh all you want, you little gremlin,” He said
“Aww, Cal, I’m sorry” You pouted “I didn’t mean to upset you. I just really want you to be happy, you know? Find your person and all of that”
“I am happy, Y/N” He stated matter-of-factly “I have the band, the fans, Duke… I have you”
“I know, and I’m also so happy to have you” You smiled, lacing your fingers with his “But I’m talking about “the one”. You know, the one that makes your heart go crazy and the world spin around slower. The one that occupies your mind and every time you think about them you can’t help but smile. Someone that you can actually fall in love with. I’m not talking about marriage or things that we don’t believe in most of the time. But the one that makes the heartbreaks and disappointments all worth it because it led you to them”
Calum stared at you with an unreadable look in his eyes. How could you describe exactly what he was feeling but still have no idea that he has those feelings for you?
It has been a long time since he accepted you as being more than friends, or at least in his heart he knows you could be more. You were just perfect in every way, made just for him. And he loves you, he loves you so much without a hint of fear or doubt. But you just can’t see it.
“Maybe there is someone…” He mumbled, ready to spill his heart out to you on a silver platter.
But before you could register his words, your phone started ringing.
“Shit, wait a second,” You said, grabbing your phone from the table. Calum saw the small smile that formed on your lips before you declined the call “Sorry, what did you say?”
“Y/N, I-” He started again, and once again your phone interrupted him. He sighed “You should get that”
“What?” You asked, already silencing the phone again “No, it’s nothing, I promise”
“Who is it, though?”
“Oh, it’s just Matt”
“Matt?”
“Yeah, I told you about him, remember?” And he wished he didn’t.
You told him you were going on a date with someone called Matt a couple of weeks ago. He didn’t know you were still talking, let alone that you moved on to the “call” phase of the relationship. And now he couldn’t help but notice the gleam in your eyes when you said his name, a gleam that he knew would never be reserved for him.
“I forgot to tell him that he needn’t call me tonight” You sighed, already texting him. Calum could see the disappointment in your eyes.
“You should call him”
“What? No, Cal, I’m here for you and nothing is going to change that”
“I know, and thank you for that,” He said, faking his smile as much as he could “But I know you, and I know you want to call him so go ahead. I don’t mind”
You sighed “Thanks, babe. I’m just going to tell him tonight is off limits, it’ll take five minutes and then I’m all yours”
Oh and how it hurt him hearing you laugh from the kitchen as those five minutes went on. You sounded so happy and full of joy… he couldn’t take that from you now and, plus, would you even believe him?
Matt… what does he have that Calum doesn’t? Apparently, all the necessary to make you come back all giddy and blushing.
And when you sat up next to him and changed the topic back to Calum, his glass was already half empty.
*
“Hey, mate” Calum heard after the door slid open. Ashton soon stood next to him “Ready to go back in there?”
“Would Michael miss me if I don’t sing happy birthday to him?”
“You will break his heart” Ashton chuckled, trying to make him laugh as well but to no avail “You can’t avoid her forever, you know? She’s starting to notice”
“Well about fucking time” Calum spat, throwing the last of his cigarette to the floor.
Ashton sighed “Cal, c’mon… It’s not fair on her”
“It’s not fair to me either! What do you think, Ash? Do you think it’s funny for me to see her with him? To know every fucking detail of her happy life with Matt as if it didn’t kill me inside? It’s been years! Years where I have been so fucking close to telling her how I feel but there’s always him in the middle!”
He wasn’t crying, and he would not cry either. But he stopped hiding the rage he felt as his true feelings came spilling out of his mouth like a fountain of truth. He’d never said any of this out loud but now it seemed impossible to stop it.
“I’m just so fucking tired of seeing her with him. Seeing her kissing him, holding his hand, going on dates… All the things I should be doing with her”
“Cal…”
“No, fuck it! It’s true! It should be me! It always should’ve been me” His voice broke a little in the end “I should be the one in his place. I should’ve told her everything that night years ago, then I could be the one sitting on the couch with her, laughing and sharing those touches she thinks no one sees. But I do. All the fucking time those moments play on a loop inside my head and it’s making me want to scream.
She’s the first girl I ever loved, the one that breaks my heart every single day because I keep letting her. She’s the one that’s making me feel like this without her knowing and it’s not fair! I could go in there right now and tell her how I feel but that won’t change a thing! She’ll still choose him! But I loved her first, Ash. I loved her first!”
Suddenly, all the air in his lungs was being crushed as Ashton brought him closer for a bone-wrenching hug.
For the first time that night, Calum relaxed. He let his body fall against Ashton’s frame as he hugged him back, hiding his face in his neck as the high of his confession wore off.
“I know it hurts,” Ashton said, lowly “But you can’t keep doing this to yourself, Cal”
“I know,” He sighed, pulling himself from the hug and patting Ashton’s arms “I don’t want to feel this way but I just can’t- I can’t let her go”
“Then try. You love her, do that for her”
“But what if-”
“If she feels the same and realizes that someday, then she’ll come to you. Don’t keep on waiting for an “if” Cal, you deserve more than that and so does Y/N”
Calum sighed and nodded, shaking his head a minute later from the overload of feelings. It wasn’t normal for him to snap like that, but it has been years since he kept it all in. It was bound to come out sooner or later, but he’d hope for a better outcome.
“Knock-knock!” Someone said behind them “Am I interrupting something?”
The two of them turn around to find you standing at the door, smiling at them as if nothing happened.
Immediately Calum started to panic, fearing that you’d heard everything. He said he hated your boyfriend, that he wishes he’d take his place, that he loved you… And you might’ve heard all of it while he was on a rant.
“H-hey, Y/N! Not at all, what’s up?” Ashton played the calm one, giving Calum time to freak out internally.
You were still smiling at them as you pointed back inside “We’re about to sing happy birthday, didn’t think you wanted to miss out”
You were acting so calm, with a big, kind smile on your face. Maybe you didn’t hear anything and just watched them hug awkwardly for a minute there. Calum could only hope. But then you smiled at him and nudged your head toward the party, and all he could do was breathe out and smile back, calming his nerves a little bit.
The three of you went back inside, quickly surrounding Michael as Luke brought out the cake and you all started to sing.
Calum looked back at you, standing next to Matt and leaning your head on his shoulder as your hands laced together. You looked briefly at your boyfriend and smiled, looking as happy as ever.
“Happy birthday dear Michael…”
And then it happened. For just one moment you looked back at Calum when he was already looking at you and his heart stopped.
You gave him a small, sad smile and shook your head no.
“Happy birthday to you!”
And all his hopes went away with the blow of the candles.
*
*
tags: @iknowyouthinkimbulletproof @mystic-232 @talksoprettyjjx @theshyspy @hoodhoran @hoodharlow @littledrummeraussie @bubblegum183 @irwin-fletcher-ash @wiiildflowerrr @in-a-world-of-fandoms @another-lonely-heart @aabc5sauce @in-superbloom @sadcupofcoffee @personalmuyverypersonal @himbohood @sofiaaraee @irwindoll @weasleytwinscumslut @fairytrice @colourfulcal @nibin0912 @hfkait @savagejane1 @youneedtocalumdown @heyitskelseaj @ashtonsunflower @nicebasscalum @calumspupils @secretsicanthideanymore @alltimesos @wontlastimokwiththat @whywontyoulovemecami @theimpossiblehologramtree @perriexed @abiancajg @rewmuslupin @icelily13 @bookthingz @gracieboogirl @fastandtheformula1 @fckingpernico @multistann @averageantichrist @a-darneddarling @plaidshirtyears @ihavenoideawhattodowithyou @bittersweetb4by @aria-grace-scott @thestarsandtheircoffee @bvbygxrl @luisa180206 @xxxlaura @iamdayanaz @flyingburrito123 @drugerlime
Author's note: Okay, so, I've had this written as bullet points but with nothing really concrete since I first outlined the series, but it didn't really fit with what i posted, so i just let it be, until a few days ago when @getsojaded said a few nice things about this series that had me thinking about it again. Then this was born. It's just domestic fluff. The angst writer in me didn't know I could write something that's just fluffy, but here we are.
If you just came across this, I don't think you need to read the whole series to think this is cute so if you just wanna read some fluff maybe go for it oskaoskaoksoaks.
The title for this one is from sweet nothings by Taylor Swift
read it on ao3
Series Masterlist
playlist
_________
You're in the kitchen humming...
Emma follows the noise more than anything else. She’s not really used to waking up alone anymore so when she rolled over in bed to find Calum’s side empty, she was confused. Then she heard the clanking coming from the kitchen, so she sleepily moves to their closet, grabbing the first of Calum’s hoodies she could get her hands on, before walking through the house, leaning against the doorway to the kitchen, watching Calum's back as he reads something in his phone while leaning against the counter and humming a melody she doesn’t really recognize, the band was back in the studio, so for all she knows it could be something new he’s working on, before walking up behind him and wrapping her arms around his middle.
“Hi,” she says, leaning against his back, her head on his arm.
“Morning,” Calum says, turning his head to kiss the top of her head, and she giggles.
“What are you doing?” She asks, leaning her head to the side a bit more, glancing around all the ingredients around the counter before looking at his phone so she could see what he was reading, finding a brownie recipe.
“Woke up feeling like baking,” he shrugs and she giggles.
“Okay, you need help?” She asks, moving to sit on the chair next to them.
“Not unless you’re ready to tell me the secret to your brownies,” he teases, glancing at her with pleading eyes and a grin, making her laugh.
“Okay,” she agrees, folding her sleeves so she could use her hands, pulling her hair up, and the bowl next to her closer and he turns to her, looking surprised.
“Wait, really?” He asks, face lighting up, making her heart flutter as she nods.
“Yeah.” The nod becomes a giggle when he leans forward, kissing her, then becomes a laughing fit when she almost falls off the chair as she chases his lips when he pulls away, making him have to catch her so she wouldn’t end up face first on the floor, laughing too.
“You okay?” Calum asks when he finally stops laughing, and she nods.
“You’re gonna be disappointed though,” she scrunches her nose, looking at him.
“Why?”
“It’s just chocolate,” she explains, pressing her lips together and turning to the counter, pulling the bag of flour and a measuring cup.
“What is just chocolate?” He frowns as he watches her pour the flour into the bowl.
“I add melted chocolate and cocoa powder to the batter, then I put some chips in it just for good measure,” she laughs, glancing at him while motioning for him to get the sugar for her.
“So it’s just an insane amount of chocolate?” He asks when he hands her the bag, and she nods.
“Sorry to disappoint you,” she giggles as she adds the sugar and he slides the cocoa powder to her.
“Not disappointed, I should’ve guessed it was something like that,” he chuckles and she smiles at him as she mixes, “so you just put the chips in the microwave, or do you need to melt it in some fancy way?”
“Microwave is fine,” she says and he nods, kissing the side of her head as he moves to the microwave, “did you melt the butter?”
“Yeah, it’s in the other bowl, you mix wet and dry separately, right? So I already mixed it with the eggs,” he tells her, making her laugh, “wait does the chocolate go with the wet or the dry?” He asks when he moves back and she raises an eyebrow at him, “never mind, stupid question,” he laughs, mixing the chocolate in.
“I’m gonna get a tray,” she says as he finishes the batter and he grins at her.
“You think they’re gonna turn out as good as yours?” Calum asks once the brownies are in the oven, sitting on the chair by the counter and pulling her to him so she's standing between his legs.
“I don’t see why they wouldn’t,” she says, leaning into his chest and hiding her face in his neck when he wraps his arms around her.
“We’ll see,” he says to her hair, and she nods.
“In a few minutes, yeah."
"I'm gonna let Duke out," he says, letting go of her and she pouts at him, making him laugh and kiss her, earning him a giggle.
"I'll make coffee and clean then."
The counter is clean, the dishes are washed and Emma is checking to see if the brownies are done when Calum comes back.
"Love?" He calls from somewhere behind her as she looks around for the oven mitts and she hums in acknowledgment, "do you remember the first time I had your brownies?"
"Yeah," she laughs, opening the oven door and pulling the tray out, "you joked I was your favorite person and that I should marry you, hard to forget," she adds, setting the tray on top of the oven, "why?"
"You are my favorite person," Calum says, and she chuckles, turning to him, finding him down on one knee, her eyes widening as she looks at him, "would you please marry me?" He asks, opening the ring box, but she's answering before he's quite finished speaking.
"Yes," she says, her voice sounding way too high as she drops to her knees too, "oh my god, yes," she repeats, throwing her arms around him, almost making them fall back and he laughs as he holds them up and her tightly against him, before she pulls away and starts kissing him.
"Can you let me give you the ring now?" He asks against her lips and she can't stop smiling as she nods and pulls back, giving him her hand.
"I love you," she says once the ring is on her finger and she throws herself at him again.
"I love you too, so much," he says, cupping her cheeks and kissing her, before pulling them up.
"Did you plan this?" She asks, looking at the brownies and back to his face and he shakes his head.
"Not really. I've been trying to find the right moment and this felt right, so I just went for it. I was right to assume you would prefer something like that, right?" He asks, studying her face and she nods.
"Yeah, that was perfect actually, if you tried to pull something too elaborate I would've freaked out."
"I know."
"This is just," she breathes, looking at the ring, "I love you so much."
"Me or the ring?" Calum teases and she rolls her eyes.
"You know I would marry you in a parking lot with a ring pop."
"Yeah?" He asks, pulling her to him and she shakes her head, wrapping her arms around his neck.
"No, I'm only with you for the money," Emma jokes and he laughs.
"Damnit," he complains looking away, but he’s still laughing.
"Babe, I've been in love with you for a decade," she says, cupping his cheeks to get him to look at her again.
"It's a long-term investment," he jokes and she gives him an unimpressed look.
"Idiot."
"Your idiot," he grins at her, leaning in so he could kiss her, and she giggles against his lips.
“I can live with that,” she grins, kissing his cheek and moving away from his hold, opening a drawer to look for a knife for the brownies.
"Wait," she stops, closing the drawers without pulling anything out, turning back to Calum, "who gets M on the ceremony?"
downtown lovers i — it won’t always be like this || calum hood
a/n: ok so. i originally wrote this out of my ass while listening to inhaler (shout-out inhalersos fans) and as i kept writing i decided to make this like an open series where i just write abt little downtown adventures and honestly i don’t know how this is gonna play out LMFAO cause it’s like not exactly a series but at the same time it kind of is??? like those stand alone books that you don’t have to read in order to understand but you still can for the experience???? dude idk what im saying anymore just roll w it i hope u guys like it
—
the cool, evening breeze of downtown seattle brushed against melanie's legs as she stood in the queue of the music venue alongside many others, waiting until the doors opened for the band that would be performing that night, inhaler.
she switched between scrolling through different apps on her phone and eavesdropping on various conversations made by people surrounding her, hearing "i'm so excited to see josh jenkinson!" one too many times, trying to find ways to make the time pass a little bit faster.
this was her first concert that she'd be attending alone, and needless to say, the social anxiety was catching up to her. she'd been so used to having at least one friend accompany her to the hundreds of concerts she'd gone to, and she was under the impression that she wouldn't be attending this one alone...
until her friend cancelled last minute on her. which, was bummed her out an extreme amount.
however, the show was the next day and she absolutely did not want to scramble around on twitter and instagram, trying to find people who would want to buy her ticket last minute. so here she was, standing alone in a crowd of grouped-together people. and god, was she feeling anxious.
lost in her own intrusive thoughts, she even failed to realize that the man lining up behind here in the queue was alone as well.
she turned to her side, leaning her back against the brick wall of the venue and closing her eyes, taking a deep sigh as an attempt to calm herself down.
"hey, you okay?" a deep, accent-laced voice filled her ears. her eyes opened and she looked to her left side, making eye contact with a tall, tan skinned man. her eyes quickly scanned him, immediately noticing how fucking attractive he was. dark, curly hair that was on the verge of forming a mullet, a black supreme tee-shirt that exposed his multiple tattoos on his arms and accentuated his muscles, straight black leg dress pants and black docs. with a leather jacket in one hand, his phone and an unlit cigarette in the other.
god, he was hot. really fucking hot.
"oh yeah, i'm alright. just getting tired, 's all," she responds, trying to sound as collected as possible. "you're lookin' a little stressed there, love." he responds, assuming that the rosy shade appearing on her cheeks was from the cold air and not the use of his pet name, to which that assumption was flat out wrong.
"i'm okay. was just a bad choice of footwear for a concert. did it to myself," she fibs, letting out a light laugh as he takes notice of her black boots, then analyzing the rest of her outfit. a basic, black silk dress that was underneath an oversized leather jacket. "at least you look beautiful," he tells her. "you here alone?"
"thank you," she sheepishly smiles up at him. "yeah, i'm here alone, my first one, too."
"ahh, that's why you're lookin' so shaken up." he replies, letting out a light laugh. "don't worry, going to these by yourself are a piece of cake. definitely needs some getting used to, but afterwards it feels like nothin'." he reassures her, reaching in his jacket pocket for a lighter. "what's your name?"
"my name is melanie, and yours?"
"beautiful name for a beautiful girl. i'm calum."
"pretty name for a pretty boy. by the way, are you always this flirty?" she asks him, resulting in light chuckles from the both of them. "no, not always. only when pretty girls are lined up alone in front of me for inhaler." he says, melanie rolling her eyes and smiling in response.
"well, calum, i'm not lining up alone anymore. i'm lining up with you, now." she states, a big grin appearing on calum's face afterwards. "glad to be waiting with you."
they're standing in line for a little over 45 minutes, the conversation flowing exceptionally easily as they got to know each other. melanie's found out that he had also been in a band for a brief amount of time when he was younger, ultimately deciding to part ways but staying best friends with his bandmates. calum found out that melanie had just moved to the city as a result of a new job opportunity, originally living on the east coast just a few months before. with all the free time on calum's hands, he decided to spend some time in the city, having always admired how beautiful it is, yet never having enough time to adventure around it while he was around on tour.
"you're gonna have to play me some songs of yours, wanna compare you to bobby now," she jokes around at that last bit, referring to inhaler's bassist, robert keating, after finding out that calum was the bassist in his band as well. "i'd rock his shit, just saying." he responds, melanie laughing at his sudden defensiveness.
more giggles and continuing of conversations let the time pass by so much quicker than melanie had felt that they did before, and the next thing you know, the pair were standing beside each other while the general admission crowd were waiting for the anticipated band to come out.
despite choosing comfort and deciding not to camp out for long hours outside of the venue for the show, they had still made it to the second row on bobby's side of the stage. "looks like i'll be comparing you two for the entirety of the show," melanie giggles, calum nudging her slightly in response to her joke, "shut up. i'm showing you our songs the minute we get out of this place."
next thing you know, the lights dim and the four band members appear on stage, instruments, opening the show with it won't always be like this. the crowd roars and cheers, singing along to the band in front of them, hands waving around and feet jumping in all sorts of directions.
though melanie has some extra height with her uncomfortable leather boots on, her petite hight is on her bad side today, coming to the realization that she can't see very much due to the tall people standing in front of her.
halfway during the second song, calum takes notice of the way she's attempting to crane her neck up, still having a smile on her face as she enjoys the show. he breaks the touch barrier between them, softly grabbing her by the waist. melanie jumps slightly at the initial touch, but then loosens up at the realization of calum gesturing her to stand in front of him so that she could see better. it would benefit her anyways, and since cal was at least a foot taller than her, it wouldn't affect him that much – at all, really.
calum’s hands don’t leave melanie’s sides for the entirety of the concert. and as they’re exiting the venue and walking down the crowded streets at midnight, his arm is still wrapped around her as they stroll together.
“you know, you made this concert a lot more enjoyable,” she says softly, smiling up at the tall man beside her. “glad to hear. the exact same goes for you as well.” calum responds. “are you doing anything now?”
“if i would, i still wouldn’t be walking with you to no destination in particular,” she giggles, turning to him and stopping them from walking. “why? what did you have in mind?”
“i’m not entirely sure if this is too forward considering we met maybe 3 hours ago,” he starts, grinning. “but i’d love to get to know you better. preferably not in a concert queue. if you were willing to, would you wanna grab a drink or two with me?”
“hmmm, i’m gonna have to think about it,” melanie puts her hand on her chin, walking away from a calum with his jaw to the ground, laughing as he chases after her.
once he’s within reach of her shoulders, he turns her around, big smiles planted on both their faces.
“yes calum. i’d love to spend more time with you.”
a/n: hello & happy new year!! wishing you all the best for 2023. this part is a tad short but i know i kind of left the last little bit on a cliffhanger(-ish) and it’s been a whiiiileee since i updated this so i hope u guys enjoy :)) mwah xo
—
Unlocking the door to their shared hotel room, he’s expecting a sleeping Y/N in their bed. But his heart drops once he realizes that there’s nobody in there but their suitcases.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck, where did she go?” He whispers to himself, checking the closets and washroom just in case she was hiding. Nobody there. He starts to panic, and runs out of the hotel room and into the elevator, violently pressing the main lobby’s button.
“Can’t this shit go any faster?!” He exclaims, banging his fist on one of the walls of the elevator. After what felt like centuries, the elevator doors opened. Running out and towards the front desk, the workers are quite confused and scared as to why the six foot man with fear written all over his face is rushing to them.
“Have you seen a girl about this tall, wearing glasses? She’s not in our hotel room and I have no idea where she went.” He asks the two women at the desk, out of breath.
“I saw a girl in a green hoodie with glasses leave about an hour ago. She was crying, and I asked her what was wrong and if she needed any help. She said that she got into an argument with her boyfriend, and that she’s going to go look for him. I was going to ask her for her number in case he - I mean - you - came back but she ran off before I could say anything.” She responds.
Green hoodie. Empathy hoodie. That’s his Y/N she’s describing. “Do you have any idea where she went?!” He asks, extremely stressed out, running his fingers through his hair. “No sir, I’m sorry.” And that’s all it takes for Calum to run out of the hotel lobby, into the crisp Japan air.
He has no idea where to start looking for her, but then comes to the realization that he had never turned on his phone.
from m’girl x
calum where are you
it’s late and ur wandering in a city that ur not from at 2 am
im freaking out
baby please
im sorry
i love you too i love you so fucking much i’m sorry just please come back to the hotel
i’m so sorry
His shaking hands click on her contact, bringing his phone up to his ear. The rings are deafening as she doesn’t pick up with each ring. He’s about to end the call and try again, but she picks up on the last ring. “C-Cal?”
He feels a weight come off his shoulders once he hears her voice. “Y/N, baby, where are you?!” His voice cracks, trying to keep his tears at bay. “I-I’m lost. I went to go look for you, b-but I went too far and I d-don’t know where I am. I’m sitting at, I’m sitting at a bench at a p-park, I was waiting here in c-case you’d pass by,” She chokes out in between her sobs, and with each cry, she cuts out a little piece of Calum’s heart. “I love you, Cal. I’m s-so sorry. Please come get me.”
“Send your location, my love. I’m coming, okay? Stay right there, I’m on my way,” His shaky breath responds as he receives a notification from Y/N, sending her current location. “M-my phone’s about to die, Cal please hurr-” and the line cuts off, indicating that her phone is now dead. “FUCK!” he yells out, about to make a run to the location she was currently at. But he stops in his tracks once he hears a petite voice call out for him. “Sir, sir!” He turns around to see one of the ladies at the front desk, holding up a pair of car keys. “I’m not supposed to do this, but it’s really late and you need to find your girlfriend. Take this car, and just park it back where it was before when you get back.” He runs over to the small employee, giving her a hug and thanking her for her help, before getting into the driver's seat and flooring it to her location.
What’s supposed to be a ten minute drive turns into a three minute drive from the speed Calum’s going at, beating every red light he can and not bothering to stop at stop signs. Once he arrives at the park, he doesn’t bother to turn off the car as he puts it in park and runs towards the benches.
“Y/N?!” his broken voice calls out, eyeing each bench with no girl in sight. But there she was, at the last bench, in the green empathy hoodie, knees tucked into her chest, her head looking down.
Her head peeks up at the sound of her name, and sees Calum running towards her. She gets up from her seat and runs as fast as her legs can take her, collapsing into his arms as he holds her as tightly as he can. “I’m so sorry, Calum.” She sobs out, her small body shaking against his as he sways their bodies back and forth. “It’s okay, it’s okay. I love you, it’s okay. Let’s go back, it’s okay.”
The drive back to the hotel was silent, aside from their breaths from crying. Once he had parked the car in its designated spot, the two of them walk back into the hotel lobby hand in hand. Both eyes bloodshot red, with tears staining their whole faces and tired bodies. Calum walks towards the two workers, giving back the car keys. “Thank you so much,” He whispers to them, the two ladies nodding in response. “We’re glad you found her. Take it easy tonight, you two.”
Although Y/N’s confused, she gives the workers a nod and a smile before they both walk into the elevator. She’s clutching onto his arm, leaning her head on his shoulder. She’s afraid if she loosens her grip anymore, he’ll be out of her reach, for good this time.
Calum and Y/N are throwing their arms around each other the moment they unlock the door and kick their shoes off. Just when Y/N thought her tears were over for the night, her uncontrollable sobs are the only thing you hear in their room.
They’re tired, they’re in pain, and they’re in love. As the heavy breathing and sniffles arise, they can’t do anything else but hold each other tighter, making up for the months they weren’t able to have each other close.
“I love you, Cal. I’m so sorry.” She whispers. “I didn’t mean to get lost. I just wanted to find you because I was so worried and you weren’t responding and-“
“Hey, none of that. I’m sorry I even left in the first place. I should’ve let you know where I am and that I was okay. You were just looking out for me, and I love you so much for that.” Calum cuts off Y/N’s rambling. She looks up at him, and he wonders how she still manages to be the most beautiful girl he’s ever laid his eyes on — even when there’s tears streaming down her face.
She takes his face in her hands and presses her lips into his, giving him the long awaited kiss he’s been dying for since the moment they arrived. He immediately deepens the kiss, nostalgia, love, and everything in between hitting the both of them all at once. Calum can’t help but slip his tongue in her mouth, and his knees almost buckle at her little whimper of a reaction.
They’ve missed this, God they’ve missed this so much and they’ve never wanted anything more than to be in this moment — holding one another after months of yearning for each other.
Y/N pulls away to catch her breath, Calum’s grip tightening on her waist. She can’t help but giggle at the sudden grabs at her hips, Calum pecking her lips once more. “Can’t let you walk out again, baby.” He jokes, moving his hands up to her face to wipe away her tears.
As Y/N’s about to speak, she lets out a big yawn, and looks at the time right after. “Holy shit, 3 am,” she sighs, walking towards the bed and getting under the covers. “You gonna come join me?” She asks, resulting in Calum immediately jumping into the empty spot next to her, as she snuggles into his side. He wraps his arm around her body, giving her a soft kiss on the forehead.
“It’s been a long day, we need sleep,” she groans, placing her hand on his chest. “Talk tomorrow?”
She feels Calum’s head nod against her body. “A lot to unpack tomorrow. We need all the rest we can get.” He responds, her humming in response. “Goodnight, Cal.” she softly says.
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