GettingSlimShady

Just getting through one GW at a time...

[gettingslimshady]

Can you imagine a life without putting every single calorie that enters your mouth into MyFitnessPal?

Yeah, me neither

[gettingslimshady]

My housemate has made our dinner for this evening and it’s the first time I haven’t been present whilst something has been cooked in a LONG time and omg the anxiety that I am feeling right now about it is ridiculous.

She’s put breaded stuff on the top of it that I’m going to try and scrape off and put in the bin.

God I’m so anxious to eat it, I’m going to estimate it may be around 300 cals for the portion but I really don’t know 🥴🥴

[gettingslimshady]

I ate it, don’t think it was AS bad as I thought it was going to be, but Jesus the anxiety I feel right now for eating the breadcrumbs and a small bit of cheese is ridiculous.

Going to workout for longer in the gym tomorrow to make up for them.

God, I have no idea how I’m going to be able to recover from this seeing as how bad I get over a sprinkling of breadcrumbs 😳

[gettingslimshady]

My housemate has made our dinner for this evening and it’s the first time I haven’t been present whilst something has been cooked in a LONG time and omg the anxiety that I am feeling right now about it is ridiculous.

She’s put breaded stuff on the top of it that I’m going to try and scrape off and put in the bin.

God I’m so anxious to eat it, I’m going to estimate it may be around 300 cals for the portion but I really don’t know 🥴🥴

[gettingslimshady]

Currently bloating SO badly 😩

The only thing I’ve eaten differently today is fruits I didn’t even have my normal 100 cal of porridge this morning so why am I so bloated 🥴

And why did it have to do it today of all days?! Ffs

[gettingslimshady]

So today is the day.... Drs appointment day.

I’ve waited a week for this appointment and my anxiety is through the bloody roof 😖

I did weight in at a new low again though which I was SO happy about! I just don’t want to gain weight now or for me then get back to how I was!

It also doesn’t help that today there is SO MUCH FOOD in our office because someone is leaving and the only thing I am eating is the fruit (🫐🍇🍓) that I brought in, so I will just be snacking on those as they aren’t that high in calorie compared to a 100 cal MINI sausage roll 😳😩

I keep thinking about having some of all of the food but then tell myself no, even though I am feeling hungry. I have to wait till lunch as my head keeps telling me which is in 45 mins!

I hope my appointment goes okay later on 🥴

[gettingslimshady]

Will be weighing myself tomorrow morning before my drs appointment in the afternoon.

Still in two minds about doing this because as my head keeps telling me I’m not sick enough or I’m not struggling or strict enough to say that I have an ED and need to ‘recover’ but we shall see what they say tomorrow.

I’m nervous and excited at the same time like?!

I want to be able to lift heavy and strong in the gym, but NOT get back to the gross fat weight I was before I started all of this. I just want to gain muscle weight not fat weight.

[gettingslimshady]

Tomorrow someone is leaving in my office and they are talking about bringing in ‘party food’ for the office to eat.

Fudge I can’t do that 🥴

They’ve said about us bringing in our own stuff and they want to see what I eat as a vegan, but I’m just going to take in some fruit as it’s low cal and I can snack on it and then take the extra home with me.

I won’t be eating anything that they bring in, and I have my drs appointment in the afternoon so need to make sure I don’t mess up tomorrow.

[gettingslimshady]

Annoyed with myself that I had to break my fast this morning and have some instant oats before work. Only 100cals worth so not too bad.

Going to try and get in to see the dr today earlier than Thursday as I’m starting to not feel so great within my body, I’m getting heart palpitations and I am super dizzy when I stand for a long period of time.

To anyone else this would scream eat more, but my brain tells me I can’t because it will just make me put weight back on and that’s what scares me.

Why are ED thoughts so load?

[gettingslimshady]

Weighed in at a new low again today, I’m only 1.5kg away from my UGW now that I’m trying to get too before Thursday, but I REALLY don’t think that will happen 😅

I’ve noticed the past few days that I have been over exercising and pushing my body too much compared to before and it’s starting to take its toll.

I feel spaced out all the time, like I’m not in the room or that I could pass out over the simplest thing and the anxiety, well fuck that’s gotten bad.

I will keep going till Thursday as best I can and then see where I go from there. I want to try and have a healthier relationship with food again, but I’m petrified of gaining all that weight again and undoing all my hard work.

[mysociopathicremedy]

Things I can't stop thinking about

Calories

Burning calories

Exercise

Gaining weight

What should I eat

What shouldn’t I eat

How thin I look

How fat I look

My weight

Should I skip that snack

How I wish I could lose weight

How I hate my body

How other people would react if they knew what I was thinking

ALL DAY EVERY SINGLE DAY

[gettingslimshady]

The past few days I have been feeling so crazily anxious it’s ridiculous, about food, about my appointment on Thursday with the Dr, about everything.

I keep telling myself that I am not sick enough, thin enough or valid enough for them to even take me seriously or that they will just laugh at me and say I’m eating ‘healthily’.

Idk I need to try and not think about it until the day but it’s so hard when you over think and it just takes over your brain and your life 😖

On the other side of it, I don’t want them to make me try and gain weight or too much, I don’t want to go back to where I was before, so I have a few more days to try and get down to my UGW which I will do my Monday weigh in tomorrow and see how I go before Thursday.

I want to become skinny fit and not skinny bones but rn I don’t think I’ll ever be truly satisfied with how I will ever look.

Sorry, that was a bit of a rant I just needed to get some times off my chest.

I hope I get some relief from this on Thursday, because at 26 I can’t keep going like this 😞

[gettingslimshady]

Just sat and said to my mum about the fact that a guy here in the UK promotes eating 800 calories a day for 21 days and then increasing it after that, is not really that healthy and that we should be eating more in the region of 1,400 - 2,000 depending on goals.

All whilst sitting there not being able to eat over 600 cals most days.

Ironic isn’t it?

[gettingslimshady]

Have just had my drs appointment confirmed for next Thursday.

Seems like such a long time away and I already feel myself talking myself out of doing it because

I don’t feel sick enough

I don’t look sick enough (in my eyes)

I see people skinnier then I am and they are fine

I’m not light enough

I don’t feel valid enough, full stop

Yet...

I get constantly anxious about the thought of food that I’m not in control of (like if someone else buys it, ordering out without looking at the menu and working out cals first, or someone else cooking for me)

I have to enter everything into MFP

I can’t eat above 800 calories or I melt down

I am obsessed with getting to my UGW and over exercise, yet my BMI puts me in the bottom end of the underweight category

I can’t walk past a mirror without body checking in it and then hating what I see

I’m cold all the time, I can’t sleep properly, the list goes on and on and on!!

I’m pleased that I will be reaching out, but I want to find a healthier I way of achieving my goal rather than doing it in this such extreme way.

I hope one day I will be happy with how I am, but I really don’t think that will be the case 😞

[gettingslimshady]

Contacted my drs yesterday and waiting to hear back from them about getting an appointment.

My mind is still telling me that I’m not sick or sick enough to need to get help and that I’m just faking this all.

I’ve then spent 20 minutes looking at influencers on IG who have over come ED and trying to compare if I look like they did before. It’s so sad.

But even though this has really taken a hold of me over the past year, I spend every waking minute thinking and calculating food, working out what I’m going to eat for the week and if I’m going out for food in a few weeks time I’m stressing about it for weeks beforehand. My life is consumed by this and I was to be as fit and healthy as I can be... that’s why I do to the gym right?

I was to be ‘skinny fit’ I was to be lean and for my muscles to show not to just be skin and bone. This is what I will work towards and my body can run of 1,200 calories and still do all that if I can’t go fully in.

We shall see, it feels a very uncertain road ahead and I hope I don’t get judged no matter what happens.

💛

[gettingslimshady]

So after this weekend and seeing how upset my family were at seeing how much weight I’ve lost and still lying to them I am stressed with work I think I’ve decided that I’m going to try and get some help.

Although I don’t feel valid enough to say that I have any form of eating disorder I want to try and have a healthy relationship with food again and not worry my family.

I want to be able to keep doing my gym sessions and gain muscle and look ‘gym skinny’ now ‘skin and bone’.

I know it may not be easy and I will look to speak to someone next week giving me a week or so to hit my UGW as I am 2kg’s away now, but I do think I need the help.

It could all god tits up and I end up back on here but I have to try!

[gettingslimshady]

I am so in two minds at the moment as to whether to leave this all behind me and try and recover.

I feel like I’m failing anyway as at the minute I’m eating closer to 800 cals a day than the 600 I had originally set myself, but then my body feels like it needs the fuel with all the exercise I’m doing and I don’t want to have to stop going to the gym because I love it! I still feel super guilty when I eat that much but I feel I just need a bit more sometimes.

I’ve still been loosing the weight which is great and I’m so close to my UGW now I feel like I can’t give up.

Urgh what do I do 😩

[inritum]

[gettingslimshady]

Help meh please