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vent blog .

[gh057b01r0]

but half the time when i say fuck it and decide to dress hyper fem it feels wrong and bad, or it feels rly good but then i feel awkward bc now that ive been on t for years now, presenting fem means im more likely to be seen as gnc and in my brain that means im in mortal danger

[gh057b01r0]

its not even like i feel like my body is too masc, my body is rly androgynous actually, i just fucking hate the way my work uniform looks on me when im feeling more fem

[gh057b01r0]

like i was working under the assumption for the past like 7 years that yeah i might be nonbinary but i can handle operating as a man, im just rounding up to the nearest binary and its not like im not a man

now u tell me my identity actually has consequences and feeling too masc sometimes makes me feel like my soul is rotting?????? this gender shit is a fucking scam

[gh057b01r0]

except for the sake of my mental health i need to pretend that said dysphoria does not exist 🤪

[gh057b01r0]

i think part of it is the dysphoria actually

[gh057b01r0]

like usually im crashing out and being like "WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY" then i remember "oh yeah its saturday, first day this week im nocturnal, my serotonin levels are fucked" and then im relatively fine

this time it just keeps getting worse :))))))))

[gh057b01r0]

yknow me getting depressed at work on a saturday night is abt as predictable as the sun rising in the morning

whats *not* normal abt today is me still feeling like shit even after recognizing that this is just what my brain does the first day of the week i do nightshift

[becherdireinen]

nobody talks about how exhausting it is to live in that space between "things will get better" and "i can't handle this anymore." it's like your emotions are constantly swinging. leaving you both hopeful and defeated in the same day.

[feral-ballad]

Tawanda Mulalu, from Please Make Me Pretty, I Don't Want to Die: Poems; “All we got was autumn. All we got was winter”

[becherdireinen]

at this point i just want to hug someone and tell them how tired and drained i am.

[rabbittongues]

[puppiegracie]

at some point depression is just embarrassing like hey yeah I've wanted to kill myself since I was Seven Years Old idk I guess I'm procrastinating yes I am Still Depressed god just put me down like a sick dog why don't you

[gh057b01r0]

too suicidal to sit alone with my thoughts

too braindead to distract myself

just maladjusted enough to liveblog my anguish

[gh057b01r0]

just went on a walk and i still feel suicidal, yall some mfin LIARS

[thoughtxxs]

i’m sorry i’m so sensitive and get mad over every little thing, but i’m really pretty if you look beyond that

[bruzum]

[gh057b01r0]

god every time i talk abt how masking i feel like im fuckin humblebragging bc because i need to emphasize how convincing i can be initially to illustrate how cracks in the facade later down the line cause ppl to view it as intentional malice

ex. when im masking im extremely smiley and affable bc it gets ppl to lower their guard and be nicer to u very quickly, but when im not masking im predominantly straight faced. for ppl who know me as that guy whos always smiling, to see me stonefaced is such a large departure that they assume something must be wrong, and/or i must be angry and refusing to tell them why

but im literally not i just look like that