ENDLESS TRASH

carmine | 18 | nonbinary | taurus | rad icon is by @sceneclownz B)))

[ghost-ofstarman]

Final decision

I’ve been kinda avoiding making this post for a while now but honestly the last update I posted turned out to be what I really wanted to do. I’m going to leave, but I’m not going to leave the internet overall. I’ll be ditching all my accounts that I’ve linked with this one EXCEPT my YouTube, so if you want to still keep up with me for whatever reason, they’ll still be there. Don’t know when I’ll start coming online to do stuff again, I might not in the near future. I’ve been just getting worse and worse and Tumblr really hasn’t been helping, it got to the point of where I was too nervous to log on most days and was ABSOLUTELY terrified of Discord to where I rewrote the first part of the graphic novel I was working on just because the original passage was in a one-person discord server that I didn’t want to log in to get to. I honestly really hoped I’d never get to the point I’m at right now and now that it’s happened, I think it’d be best if I leave while I still can to try and work on myself. I don’t really think I can become a better person at this point and although I’m still trying, I don’t really feel good having other people around me having to deal with my sorry ass so pretty much all social interaction for me is just riddled with guilt. My productivity has been at an all time low and when I DO manage to finish something, I just think to myself “someone’s going to get mad at me for this” and I don’t post it, sometimes I do post it and feel bad the whole time it’s up. I keep getting those “why don’t you talk to me anymore” messages and I KNOW, I KNOW how fucking awful I am with keeping up with people and not stepping on the few that care about me so I’m just going to move somewhere they don’t have to be constantly reminded that I don’t talk to them, even if it’s not out of malice and moreso guilt and fear. For those of you that supported me, you have my sincere thanks and I’m glad there were some people on here that didn’t want to get nasty with me over headcanons or interpretations of characters and seemed to genuinely enjoy my stuff. For those of you that didn’t, uh, I guess you win? I don’t really hate anyone on here but me for being as shitty as I was. I’m keeping all of this up since I can’t seem to archive it, if you find my future accounts I’m not entirely sure what to tell you. I literally have no life outside of the internet so it’s impossible to expect me to not set up shop somewhere else when I’m graduated but not yet in college and unemployed at the same time, I just hope none of you hold anything against me because I really didn’t want to fuck up as much as I did. There’s a lot of things that I wish I could say to a lot of the people on here but I can’t...really do that right now. I feel horrible but I just can’t. I can’t even text my own grandparents back because I’m so terrified of interaction these days, someday I want to make it up to you guys but for now I’m just going to do my own thing and if I never make another friend in my life I think I’d be okay with that. It’s shitty being lonely but it’s shittier constantly breaking people’s trust and vanishing all the time because I don’t know how to talk to people and can’t be a responsible adult. Thanks for the time I spent on here, and thanks if you actually read this whole long thing. I know I’m not an important figure on here and shouldn’t have to leave a long ass thing just saying I’m leaving when literally everyone can live normally without me but,,, yeah this just sucks and I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this.

[ghost-ofstarman]

I can’t say for sure yet (even though I FEEL sure this is how this is going to go down) so I’m going to think about it a while longer but I kind of...like....really hate social media right now. I haven’t had fun on this site in god knows how long and it just makes me miserable coming on these days which I really don’t need right now, I’m at the lowest point of my life so far and I’m trying to cling to any positivity I can get. Like I said, don’t know for sure yet and I didn’t want it to end this abruptly but I think I’m just gonna leave my main tumblr as-is and trash my discord, sideblogs, deviantart, facebook, reddit, etc. I don’t think I’ll be coming back if I do, I don’t know wtf I’m going to do with myself because I’m at home literally all day every single day with nothing else to do besides computer stuff but I’ll figure that out later

I know no-one cares on a personal level, blah blah blah but I still get notes on my old stuff and follows despite the fact I never upload anymore because SOMEONE out there will complain about me posting art either because they don’t like it or because I’m not talking to them constantly every single day so I felt I should leave with an explanation. I really wanted to continue this and my ask blog (although now there’s a blog with an identical premise so what’s even the point lmao) but DAMN is it getting harder to deal with feeling like no matter where I go, someone is out to get me, I honestly ruined a lot of my actual real life events because of this neverending shitty feeling. If I decide against it, I’ll just delete this and things will continue as normal, will probably feel fuckin stupid afterwards but I have a strooooooooong feeling I won’t be looking back

[ghost-ofstarman]

Hey man sorry about that anon, you dont have to listen to them! Nobody is entitled to your time!

I mean like........I'm not SURPRISED I get messages like those since I really really should stop avoiding talking with people I like, it's always been an issue for me but lately it's just like. Whoa. This is like...a THING with me now, isn't it?? I'm not mad about it even if I'm right about who it is, I'm mostly just bummed out that they/someone else thinks I dislike them when I try really hard to show I'm grateful for those who do take the time to message me, I just......am not really in a good enough place to regularly message them back asdkfjhasdkfh idk if that response was good enough to convince them otherwise but it’s the best I could doI don’t even go on tumblr much in the first place these days, I only pop on to post art and leave. Same with discord, don’t remember the last time I checked it because I just FREEZE every time I see that goddamn notification thing even when I know it’s probably not bad kjdfhgsdhfjkIt was definitely a relief seeing a less cONCERNING ask in my inbox that quickly after my response, thanks so much for checking in although I do acknowledge I should get my shit together and stop holing myself up so much haha

[ghost-ofstarman]

Interesting you seem so comfortable posting to hundreds of strangers, yet ghost the few people who try to talk to you

Just logged on for the first time since I posted my last photoset and gotta say I’m not surprised with this being the ask I got ksdfkasdjIf I don’t respond to your messages, I don’t have something against you or hate you, I’m not a very social person to begin with and these recent months have been the worst of my life in terms of trying to NOT freak out every single time someone talks to me. Not trying to excuse anything shitty I’ve done as “wELL i’M noT NEUROTYPICAL so lAY OFf” but like....not all mental illness shows itself in an “acceptable” or “quirky” way, it’s fucking terrifying living in constant fear of stupid tiny things that shouldn’t scare me such as someone messaging me for instance. Posting a picture I drew is different than initiating conversation for me, I can just type a description and click a few buttons and it’s done but conversation is more like...me trying to sound normal while internally just trying not to COMBUST at any second. It’s rough when people /say/ they support me despite my issues but when shit gets Really Bad for me they send me passive aggressive messages after I told them before why I can’t keep up with stuff like this anymoreI’ve made it pretty clear in my posts that I’m not in a good place right now (on top of outright TELLING people about my antisocial habits to no fault of theirs) and yet again, I’m not trying to say I’m right and you’re wrong since I completely understand where you’re coming from (kinda lame that you did it on anon but I think I know who you are so it’s okay I guess) but I’m trying to kind of get you to understand that I’m not mad at you, I don’t think you’re a shitty person and I don’t WANT to leave my messages unchecked, it’s just personal stuff going on right now that I’m losing the fight with so I’m trying to put my needs first for once in my life as it’s getting more and more dangerous trying to just.....EXIST.God that got long but long story short, I don’t know FOR SURE who you are but I know if you sent me something like this I care about you and I don’t want you to think I’m “ghosting” you because I’m mad or don’t give a shit, I probably think about you more than you think about me even if it may seem hard to believe.

[ghost-ofstarman]

refs for the main characters of the graphic novel I’m working on + what animal they’re supposed to be for comparison

ngl it was REALLY weird not making everything pink and I kinda messed up the last ref and made it slightly reddish but,, ehhh I don’t care these are just for me anyway, I’m only posting these because I have nothing else to post these days

[ghost-ofstarman]

so I didn’t end up finishing my animation I said I’d do a week or two ago BUT I DID MAKE THIS

[ghost-ofstarman]

Who do you look up to for your art inspiration?? Your art is lovely and i would love to see where you get your ideas from, or is it all from that head of yours?

I DON’T KNOW WHEN I GOT THIS ASK BUT I APPARENTLY HAVE SOME UNCHECKED STUFF IN HERE I HAVEN’T GOTTEN TO???? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SORRYI’ve answered an ask about my favourite artists on this site before (don’t remember what the list is but I’ve found some new artists so off the top of my head, my big faves are nzap64, hocopoko, chickenwithtie, axotl and sceneclownz who actually did my icon, all of which I HIGHLY recommend y’all check out) I don’t really have like…a DIRECT inspiration? I kinda just draw and it comes naturally but I’m positive I’ve subconsciously inherited some drawing traits from the artists I’ve mentioned which is why I feel the need to list them

Thanks for the ask though!!

[ghost-ofstarman]

I made some extremely bad pikmin valentine things because an hour ago I remembered “oh it’s a holiday I guess”. Enjoy(???)

[ghost-ofstarman]

guess who’s supposed to be taking time off to better themselves and instead is holing themselves away from absolutely everyone and everything, drawing the lowest effort art possible and doesn’t feel like a real human being anymore but yet apparently isn’t too ashamed to share it with the world   🙌 🙌 🙌

[ghost-ofstarman]

I may be sad and doing nothing with my life rn but at least I’ve got some SICK LITTLE DUDES in my aquariums rn who are keeping me company B))) 

(don’t worry, the bettas aren’t combined and neither them nor the frog are anywhere near my shrimp tank, I just drew them together to pretend they can all get along and won’t fight/eat each other.......)

[ghost-ofstarman]

Me irl after immediately losing my motivation to do anything productive after getting hyped to finally work on something for the first time this year - (colorized 2019)

[ghost-ofstarman]

here’s a handful of somewhat lgbt hc-themed doodles for my two faves????? idk man I wasn’t gonna post this at first because I’m a baby who hates the possibility of rude asks but I’ve drawn dozens of doodles this year and posted NOTHING so far so--

what do you mean there’s no evidence anywhere in-game that alph could even remotely be nonbinary, why ELSE would I have this huge headcanon about him being nb that I’ve latched onto the two or three years I’ve been in the fandom??????? No WAY it’s just more self projection (although let’s be real, I know I go against charlie’s “macho” personality trait enough as-is but you cannot tell me someone THAT DESPERATE to be a manly man isn’t horribly questioning himself about the whole thing)

[ghost-ofstarman]

self-care is drawing your comfort character for the 10000000000th time with nothing different about the drawing but the colours scheme. I’ll draw something original someday I promise

[ghost-ofstarman]

your oc designs are gorgeous and your art is very like... if i had to describe it it would be like fundip powder or pixy stix idk, its GOOD

oHHHHHHHHH HECK YEAH BAYBEY THANK YOU!!!!!!!This is honestly my favourite kind of compliment to get, like, I wouldn’t expect it to make sense out of context but then I get an ask about it and I’m like “WHOA REALLY?? THAT’S REALLY NEAT ACTUALLY”I’m super glad you think that way of my art and am even gladder you sent me an ask about it, thank you so much!!! This year so far has been really bad for my art but I’m hoping to start posting more often if my mood improves woOOOOO ((and also start checking my messages more often in case my unchecked notifs are also stuff like this))

[ghost-ofstarman]

sad aesthetic boards of the characters in my book except most of the pictures are screenshots of despair that I edited to be more visually appealing and also I gave up by the time I was drawing the last two

I....really...really need to check my messages and asks on here

I’m sorry

[ghost-ofstarman]

had a somehow shittier than usual day yesterday and today so I drew my big faves also having to suffer with me and my stupid racing intrusive thoughts while playing the same 2 lcd soundsystem songs over and over. That bottom right charlie is more directly talking to me though because I need to stay away from that shit HFKDJHSAJDFHASDJ

((although making appearance-hating vent art with alph will never work because he’s too goddamn cute imo))

[ghost-ofstarman]

I wanna work on my pikmin ask blog again but FIRST. 

PINK DIAMOND JUGGLING AND ALSO SHE HAS JESTER SHOES